隐形人

无论你肯或不肯
我都选择等
等到你结束好久 探险的旅程
要是没有寂寞陪衬
没有途中的灰尘
你怎会向往家门
你越是想要诚恳 其实越残忍
伪装不了你对我 漠视的眼神
你不许我听信永恒
不许我迷信我们
不许我奋不顾身

多想化成隐形的人 掩饰我伤痕
给你我的体温 好帮你驱走寒冷
看不见也能感受心疼
我想化成隐形的人 隐藏我的泪在翻滚
我在你凌乱世界 留下的指纹
对你是没心跳的一个吻

朋友都于心不忍 责备我愚蠢
但他们都回避我 执着的眼神
可知我对爱的虔诚
可知我迷信我们
可知我难得放任

多想化成隐形的人 掩饰我伤痕
给你我的体温 好帮你驱走寒冷
看不见也能感受心疼
我想化成隐形的人 隐藏我的泪在翻滚
我在你凌乱世界 留下的指纹
对你是没心跳的一个吻

多想化成隐形的人 掩饰我伤痕
给你我的体温 好帮你驱走寒冷
看不见也能感受心疼
我想化成隐形的人 隐藏我的泪在翻滚
我在你凌乱世界
留下的指纹 对你是没心跳的一个吻

©孙燕姿, 完美的一天 ~ Track 3, 隐形人 ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HybzJsSuGe4

17 Reasons Why

I hope that some of you out there watches Showtime's The L Word. It's in her 5th season now; whether she'd be picked for a 6th is still a mystery. For you guys who have watched it and probably are loyal fans, I wouldn't have to explain the storyline or provide a blurb of some sorts. Anyway, they introduced this new character into the show in Season 4 named Jodi Lerner. She was portrayed by Marlee Matlin, an Oscar award winning actress who is profoundly deaf, a mother of 4 kids, a proud author of 3 books and she just starred in American's ABC's Dancing with the Stars, Season 6 in which she lasted for 6 weeks. She is possibly one of the most inspiring person I know but unfortunately, not personally (OK, this is not bordering perversion). Ok, I am obviously extremely into her right now.

I've just watched a film she starred in, and it also starred Jeff Daniels, another talented actor as her hearing husband and the story depicts a struggle within a very close-knitted family, whether to get their only son, Adam who developed deafness at 4 year old cochlear implants which would then allow him to hear sounds and maybe have a better chance in life. Marlee was Lauren Miller, Adam's mother and Dan, Jeff's character's loving wife. Lauren taught in a deaf school and was brought up by deaf parents who were really proud of what they called 'deaf culture' which coincidently I did a simple tutorial on for my Design in Culture class (I only watched the film after I handed in the tutorial so...) Dan wanted the implants for Adam because he wanted his kid all the opportunities life presented to a hearing person and especially because Adam was still young and remembered sounds. Lauren on the other hand was absolutely torn and struggling with that concept and the pressure her folks gave her. She didn't perceive deafness as an obstacle or a disability. A deaf person can still achieve anything and do whatever as desired except hear. (Marlee evidently believes in the same thing in reality) The couple eventually separated and was on trial for Adam's custody. The story ended, as far as I'm concerned, on a good note. Dan figured out that they didn't need a panel of judges/strangers to tell them who Adam goes home with or if being deaf or hearing is worth debating their pants off about...Dan loves Lauren and Adam, no matter what. So they got back together and the family leads a life just as they were supposed to, hearing AND not hearing. The film is called Sweet Nothing In My Ear. If you are interested, I could get you the link to the movie.

Back to The L Word, Jodi, Marlee's character is an awesomely talented and hot gay sculptor who was invited to guest-spot at Bette Porter's school where she is the Dean. Bette is played by Jennifer Beals, equally charming and very intellectual. In real life, the two have been best friends for 20 years. In the show, they met because of work and they eventually got into sort of a relationship that didn't quite work out in Season 5. Bette loved Jodi and Jodi loved her even more but Bette was more in love with her ex and the mother of her daughter, Tina. Before meeting Bette, Jodi didn't remotely believe in monogamy and kids but because of Bette, she happily changed herself and accepted that commitment to which Bette would come to fail her. The two characters were just fundamentally different.

I know everyone is just waiting for Bette and Tina to be reunited and ideally stay that way and for a long time as I was watching the show, I wanted the same thing too because they truly belong together. The couple was like an anchor and the safe place where fans can go to in the show. But the introduction of Jodi...it completely altered and wiped out my perception of Bette and Tina's reunion. I wanted Jodi for Bette. I am sure that the whole deafness thing has a lot to do with it because I just adored this particular culture and people. And Marlee, she is such a great, great, great actress. To derail a little, I've always wanted to pick up sign language because Liesl, my girlfriend, she was about 80% deaf and I really wanted to pick up her language like she picked up lip-reading and speaking. And finding out information about Marlee reignited that passionate spark in me. Anyway, this is just what I feel regarding the progress and direction of the show which I'm sure no one from the production will know. They aren't going to change the plot for me...perhaps that's why I'm not in a hurry to watch Season 5 because that's when the ugliest breakup of the century happens.

It sometimes amazes me how almost none of the core cast members are even homosexual or bisexual yet they portrayed the characters with such conviction. They are such talented bunch of women, very creative, and quick with their thinkings. I live for their dialogues, the words are always poignant and humorous and really just drives home, you know. Not to mention, they are pretty nice to look at, asthetically. You guys should watch the show, even if you aren't gay or whatever. To some people, the show will do very little if not, adversely affect their somehow already etched-in-stone (and wrong) perceptions of the gay people. To others, the show is almost like an answer to the prayers for more portrayals of gay people and topics and stuff. Personally, I find the show to be so incredibly fucked up and twisted that I didn't think I could bear watching but at the same time, those are the things that are really happening here, in this world and not just confined to Hollywood. People need other people to be honest so they could learn to do the same and this is what The L Word is all about. Honesty, integrity, love, hatred, and stuff...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnllvFZMCDo

每到夜晚, 我就习惯性失眠

脑海里模糊记忆就让它盘旋

只要是白天我就会沉睡

直到身边的一切不再继续

偶尔流下的眼泪

其实不必由谁来拭去

也不需任何人来加以安慰鼓励

因为我不相信奇迹

不相信童话里快乐生活一辈子的情节

更不相信自己复愈能力。。。

爱上写作、音乐的我
让我相信爱是对的
爱上文化、语言的你
让我知道爱是真的
有你爱上从前的我
让我明白到爱是无逻辑、没理由的

现在早已离开的你
让我深深体会到藏在内心顽固的任性
也让我体会到全宇宙的寂寞

我觉得自己真的好傻
付出不一定会结果
曾经拥有的也可能会消失

你没用的电话号码是时候删除了
你的旧地址也该忘了
把过去的照片、小贴纸、信件、礼物通通丢掉烧掉。。。
是不是就能当一切没有发生过
或许吧。。。

People just leave now, don't they?Just walking away, turning that tiny corner and vanishing into thin airBecause that's what they do bestAnd no one knows where they goI am nobody's businessThey don't leave nothing but a bunch of griefNot a single syallable on a piece of crushed paper or money burntAnd you are just here, waitingHow does anyone do this?Wake up and go to sleep, Don't they ever make a sound, maybe cry at night, yell a little?Look for their true faces in the mirror, never finding itPretend it's not all over because it's really isPretend it's all over when you are still cryingWhat is real and what is dream?What keeps you moving when everything else stops?Can you please tell me a story?
The one in which nobody dies in.
Please, just hear and lead me,
Down that very long aisle.
I will be happy.
Could you sing me a line, a familiar one, so I’ll know why.
Why she left,
Me here.

你望着已被世人遗忘的怀表在等待着回忆着什么?
你背上沉重却柔软的翅膀都僵硬了，无法挥动飞行带你环游世界了。
你不觉可惜、后悔吗?
被染红的丝带毫不留情缠绕着的脚踝也无法逃脱走开了吧?
被自己的倔强困在伤痛与绝望的悬崖上是不是太傻了?

她是你极度孤独与寂寞的隐形分隔线。
只有她的离开才能让你体会到真正失去自己的滋味。
是谁告诉你这愚蠢可笑的传说，什么说了再见就会再见?
我不能相信，却也不忍怀疑。
一旦怀疑了，我们所有的一切就会消失。
可如果我相信了，你又在哪里?
心虽然早已停止跳动，却还血流不止。
早只是个空罐子的脑袋就像个没知觉、过得醉生梦死的活死人，冷血地过着无趣的生活，不知在期待着什么。
我不想怨天尤人，可是心真的好痛，好痛。
装着若无其事的样子继续欺骗、背叛自己，那又怎样?
这世上再也不会出现第二你，也不会有我。。。
隐隐作痛的伤口似乎这辈子都无法愈合了。

在某个星期二的夜晚里，她对我说，能活着就是幸福，就是在这星球上所有答案、道理和理由。 痛也只是个微小的提醒。
她说每个人都背负着一个任务，手里心里藏着一份神秘的礼物。
她要我带着那份礼物和她曾给过我的爱感动下一个遇到的女孩， 让她了解活着、爱着的好。
我不知道做不做的到，可是我不能让她失望。
因为我爱她。
因为总有一天我会再见到她。

OK, so I don't generally do this, not in Mandarin anyway. But I thought I give it a try. This is a picture I took with my cellphone the last time I dropped by Kinokuniya. It's a cover page of some kind of graphic collection or comic book collection. I love it the moment I saw it and I kept it as my cellphone wallpaper. It didn't really try to convey anything to me when I first looked at it but as time goes, as I looked at the picture more, words finally came...

hey, it's your birthday, right?

Yesterday, it's a get-yourself-really-drunk-and-delirious day. Well, for me anyway. It was crazy, the amount I drank. I didn't even know I could do that. I didn't even know where the line's at. Drank for 6 hours straight, just babbling, taking in oxygen, breathing it out. Thinking about the past and fretting about an assignment due the next day. It's amazing.

I've not been holding up at all. If I did, it was a false front. I'm so tired, so uninspired. Nothing in me flows. Nobody's singing and dancing in joy.

I was happy, I was sad. I was nervous and I was so glad.

Birthdays, who cares about birthdays?

Grades, projects, tutorials and classes, that's what topped my list. And I'm not even like, doing anything about it. A zombie, part of the walking dead. Blue, and torn. Red and burning.

Vacant.

Open Addiction

The open addiction I don’t wanna fix
So many things to keep me breathing
So much more to keep me wanting
But this is the last place I wanna find myself in
No more giving up, no more white towels thrown in

The open addiction I can’t quit
The painful hook swinging in my face
And I ran, if I could but don’t wanna
Where will I turn to?
Where will I rest my body in?
Will I fly?

Her face is fading, so is my identity
She, my open addiction
Tattoos, my salvation
Hollow, when I am finally filled

Fuck the world, they say
But I don’t wanna
I’m keeping it right here
I am not a traitor
I am only a girl
Only baffled
Laid broken each night
Quiet, tears, quiet, blood

The open addiction I carry around like pretty jewellery
Promise one fine day to redeem me.

I wanna put my heart on the table here, to show the world what it's made of, and its various manifestations.

Go...do, satisfy.

I'm on the other side of where our lives used to be And I can feel alright about whatever's good for me Baby I want to go backYou were supposed to come with me All I ever wanted was to be with you YeahSupposed to come with me Anything I've started now we'll never do

612星球

满园玫瑰我以为找到我那一朵
认真爱了却狠狠刺伤我的双手
责备什麼人也没有用
玫瑰都红 难免看错

望著天空爱是否活在童话裏头
小王子说有些事流浪过才会懂
原来每颗心都有个洞
找不到真爱 会一直寂寞 Oh
我但愿有一个人在等我 在属於我的612星球
好让我忍著痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱著我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

擦乾眼泪一个人漂流在这宇宙
小王子说爱一定开在某个角落
路上相爱的人那麼多 我会幸福吗 在什麼时候 Oh

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属於我的612星球
好让我忍著痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱著我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

©S. H. E., 我的电台 FM S.H.E (未来电台版) ~ Track 11, 612星球 ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quT1IIhSmpU

I'll Always Find You

Everyone lies, and willingly everyone believes in those lies. How far would a lie take you? How much would a lie heal and/or hurt? And just how much would a lie cost you? You believe in fairy tales and faith in God and beautiful things, just so they could fade away. You believe because, you do and why not, right? These things get you by each day, remind you to breath and to sleep and smile and talk nicely. Even when it's dark and you're alone, you are no longer in fear. For she'll always find you.

Sometimes when I'm just walking on the streets and I stop to take a bearing, I watched these people and their life stories unfold. You know, like what's it like? To be them, to be doing what they are doing, going where they are heading, and losing what they had. And what is it like, to know them?

Oh Lover...

Oh lover,
Would you keep longin'?
For me to come home
'Cause this road I'm on...
For good, I'm lost.

Oh lover,
Would you say no?
Turn your head and walk on
Never to look me in the eye
Deepen the blow
'Cause I can't fight no more
Happiness' wages such a wicked war
Drive me home, why don't you?

Take me home
Hang me up against your wall, our headboard
Do you remember what we have done and talked about?
The dark streets, the filling of bloody holes
Have you always looked this peaceful?
Lying in our bed, in between these sheets...

I am looking in, from outside these windows
Looking in as I have once promised in my sleep
Are those tears flowing?
How dare they stain your pale cheeks!
Would you have blamed me?
If you know I left before sunlight creeps in,
Would you have made a sound?

Please don't tell me what I should otherwise think!
The day's not here to please
Oh God, I'm so sorry
Please just smile, my darling
I am not here to save you,
Someone else, someday will do
I am only here to love you

Trace my name softly on my grave, why don't you?
On that cool morning...

What Wishfulness...

I wish that first night with e n n a e J never ended..I wish I know where things went wrong and fix it right. It was something I said, I swear or something she misunderstood but kept it. Way to go with the fucking up, Ashleige Tara. You aren't even breaking a sweat now.

I'm drawing blood and cutting skin through a sharp mould to be who she wanted me to be. What she assumed she sees...I can't blame her, I'm sure for I wanted to be that same thing. In her eyes, she shall see light and only light. And it's high time I hide, to go back into the bloody darkness, where I revel. But there is nothing I could do to take me back to before, before I met her. Before I feel her. Before my desires and yearns...

I see her running away from me now, putting greater distance between us as she moves. Like in my dream, she's moving away, faster now, the blurry water color painting in my poor head is never taking shape. I would never break this cycle. I would never learn. I hope she hears this. Manifestations of my confusion, and my helplessness and my careful tip toeing around her. Careful now, don't break me. I am fragile from all the death and coming back and cold cruel honesty. Don't know if I can deal now.

A brush and a tiny stirring in my soul has resulted in all these words. Why am I still here?

Reasons, practicality and deliberate ignorance, these defences will soon cease effective protection. She will have nowhere to run but back to her 'contentment'. Disappointments...would leave a bloody trail, leading straight from my heart but that trail too, shall end in time. And all will be done. No pain, only silence.

Playground schoolbell rings, againRain clouds come to play, againHas no one told you she's not breathing? Hello, I'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to...Hello...If I smile and don't believeSoon I know I'll wake from this dreamDon't try to fix meI'm not brokenHello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide...*Don't cry...*Suddenly I know I'm not sleepingHello, I'm still here, all that's leftOf yesterday...

©Evanescence, Fallen ~ Track 9, Hello ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leEoglhCuOQ

The Waking Up Part What?

I drank today, Duvel and Westmalle Triple and I gotta realize that alcohol's no longer my pal no more for it has learn to agitate. I know, I know, doctor's orders. No caffeine, no alcohol and nothing too agitating like a dead girlfriend and a deader me. I get that. It's in my fucking head. Sometimes, for example, tonight, I just wanna sleep the life of me away and really just, forget about the whole waking up deal. I could dream, I could cry in my dream, not having to worry about holding it all up together like a normal human being. I could sing so loud I would never sing any other song. Trust me not, for I am not yet crazy.

I also make a comprehension that a pint of ice cream might just do the trick of waking me up, not completely but still. Oh yeah, Haagen Daz, baby. Could have been my first easy. It's such a fragile line, you see, to care for someone, anyone and I would hate to break that. I am supposed to see things in the light but it's so hard. I see darkness and I am comfortable with that. No questions asked, no answers ever needed. I just dwell and linger for the last decade. But I can't do that anymore. I can't keep myself in my head. I have to free fall into the fucking realm of changes and be ok with that. So I will. There is nothing I cannot do.

Come to me now And lay your hands over me Even if it's a lie Say it will be alright And I shall believe I'm broken in two And I know you're on to me That I only come home When I'm so all alone But I do believe That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say honestly you won't give up on me And I shall believe And I shall believe Open the door And show me your face tonight I know it's true No one heals me like you And you hold the key Never again would I turn away from you I'm so heavy tonight But your love is alright And I do believe That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say honestly You won't give up on me And I shall believe I shall believe And I shall believe

©Sheryl Crow ~ I Shall Believe ~

'Til I Get Over You

Every time I feel alone
I can blame it on you
And I do
Oh you got me like a loaded gun, golden sun and sky's so blue
Oh We both know
That we want it
But we both know
You left me no choice
(Chaque fois que tu ton va)
You just bring me down
(Je pretend que tu fais bien)
So I'm counting my tears
'Til I get over you

Sometimes I watch the world go by
I wonder what it is like
Oh
To wake up every single day
Smile on your face
You never tried
We both know
We can't change it
But we both know
We'll just have to face it
(Chaque fois que tu ton va)
You just bring me down
(Je pretend que tu fais bien)
So I'm counting my tears
'Til I get over you

If only I could give you up
Would I want to let you off of this soapbox lately?
We both know that we want it
But we both know
You left me no choice
(Chaque fois que tu ton va)
You just bring me down
(Je pretend que tu fais bien)
Oh so I'm counting my tears
'Til I get over you....
(Chaque fois que tu ton va)
(Je pretend que to fais bien)
We both knowI am not over you

[Chaque fois que tu ton va - Everytime You Walk Away
Je pretend que tu fais bien - I Pretend That I'm Ok]

©Michelle Branch, Hotel Paper ~Track 12, 'Til I Get Over You ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-VcrpB5NTQ

I'm never a weapon person but I relate to guns and pistols and revolvers and the likes in my own way. When a gun's fully loaded and just ready for some blood, you feel so completed and invincible. The moment you let out a bullet and the deafening sound and the gunpower and repercussions and everything fall into nothingness in the background, you lose a hint of that completeness and it's quickly replaced by vulnerability and doubts. And it spelled a no turning back. You are left completely on your own to decide whether or not you fire the next one, or keep it. I used to have nightmares in my head about a fired pistol. The very sounds it made, its very destination it stopped, life all slipped out, blood all over, and then silence. I would have goosebumps lining the span of my body and in my heart, it's like something's torn and shredded apart. And I will close my eyes shut so tight I feel like screaming my head off. I don't know why I'm writing this but I think I have just compared the raptured relationships that made up a good part of my life to a fired pistol.

One tiny metal...the end of a world

Gonna Get Myself Out From Underneath

"For Ashleige Tara, this I char

Let Lethe's Bramble do its chore

Purge her memories of grim, of pains from recent slights and sins

When the fire goes out, when the crystal turns black, the spell will be cast

Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa"



A spell to purge memories grim, to be relieved of all pains and sins...after all these years I'm supposed it's high time I learn how to live. To move on with no burden and without my past. And God, no more tears!



I'm sorting out my life. School reopens well, yesterday of next month and I wanna be able to get by the last semester without too much of a bloody scratch. I'm thinking of making my willingness and availability known to my potential employers out there, you know, sending of my resumé, and arranging interviews and the likes. CA*California has unofficially offered me a full-time position. It might look good on my resumé, secure a façade some sort that resembled a working experience before I go out or it could be just something that's kinda just stopping the inevitable - that I'm better for something else. Neither way, I'm not losing out.


I have always wondered if I should stay in the kitchen. I mean, what kind of person would willingly fit that kind of insanity into their lives, to never ever be around for anything. I never wanted my life to be revolving around working. Working isn't what my life is. Living is. Packing as much living into my body is what I was meant to do. A day job is merely a tool to do that. And you have to be real blessed to really enjoy what you do.

And doing what I do now, it takes you to a place where you just don't feel anymore. You just kept doing the same thing over and over again, with no real feelings attached to it. It's like moving on to the next thing, you have to finish what's now and you really wouldn't give a fuck. Maybe it's Sunday.

Revelation in Pieces II

As the night darkens, and the day writhed away in rightful death, I’ve never been clearer. The things I yearn, I could almost taste my desires, you know if I weren’t already dead tired or at least working hard at it…I wanted to start anew. I’ve already begged for my forgiveness and that green light has lit for me to move on. I’ve given her everything, every fiber of me.

I had an addiction, perhaps I still have it. It’s sort of semi-open one and not enough to be a secret. And everyone has seen it in my eyes and reasons why I cry, the object of desire in the Gods’ eyes. I can’t quite remember enough to go back anyway. She wouldn’t take me back anymore.

Today, a friend asked me a question, if I was feeling alright. He understands I've been spending too much 'me time' and he and I know what happen when that happens. And it was surprising, to me anyway. The words that came out from my head was "grounded", "normal" and the likes. No one would usually put me along with those words in the same sentence. Nor would I. Maybe all of this is slipping away, slowly.

The imaginary better half of me must leave now. I watched her, walkin' out in stride the confines of my mind, freed from a selfish burden, freed from me, her ex-lover, her ex-world. She bid goodbye and smiled, turning her head at me for the last time. She looked so happy. And I look at her disappear. Freedom's the new kind of happiness I gave her and it was for her to keep. What is the real world anyway? What is us? All living things simply decay and die away. The only truth lies in our hearts.

Time to Move On, Me

Dear fond readers,
I thought I shared this with you. I've gotten a key, a golden one Monday afternooon, 8/9/08. It took like 3 hours. It's healing, and the ink is kinda like bleeding through the skin now and my wrist hurts. I'll put another photo up when it heals completely. Do feel free to comment on it if you like in the little box on your right but not too harshly, please and nothing too negative.

It meant to guide, to help me remember things. Reasons are of my own and personal and some of you might think it stupid but you also realize that I don't quite give a fuck what you think so...This is my 4th tattoo or rather my 3½th tattoo if you wanna get technical. I have a thing for perpetuality and images, pictures, symbols, letters, alphabets etc. Sometimes, words fail me and so I turn to images. Hopefully the healing goes fine because this is the first tattoo that I did at a different shop so we'll just have to wait and see. I've never quite experience color bleeding this intense before but I have good faith and so will you guys.

Would You Please?

Would you please let me slide a few words under your door
And would you please let me slide a few words under your door

The first 3 say "I Love You"
The last 5 "But I can't no more"
I don't believe in miracles
Not like I did before

And would you please
Let me slide a few words under your door
And would you please try to understand

There's a paragraph or two
devoted to the memories that we shared
in the dramatized songs about how there'll be no more memories
No more memories
And if you'll notice in the corner
there's a tiny little heart I've enclosed
Like a little surprise (Oh Yes I did)
And if you'll please ignore the smeared smudged writing
It came from the tears in my eyes

You're probably gonna get it
After a long day
You may not even believe it's true
I know you know, you know, you know my crazy ways
Yeah, but Sleeping Beauty is going to bed
She put a little tiny hole in her own head
Gotta find her own way home
Before she's dead

©Rachael Yamagata EP ~Track 5, Would You Please~

No Questions Asked

I walked alone the darkened crowded streets, and I see the world through colored panes, dodging baffled glances as I travelled from one story to the next.

I barely acknowledge.

Do you speak my name and the sound of my voice etched in your brain?

I got fatigue and misery, the perfect company as we walked, powerful as three, impregnable like a warship.

I can’t walk no further from me, from the memories, for the truth and what’s drenched, in blood, in tears, unspoken words.

I can’t even begin to remember.

I’ve forgotten to forget, to erase what built me, dismissing the hand that supported me.

Hunger and thirst became a chore, communication with words an obligation, and waking up to each day a liability.

I’ve tried, to shed my glasses, to walk among the happy, to breathe easy.

And not lie or put up a front because things just ain’t that breezy walk in the park.

I am guilty, for grabbing every chance to let my mind wander, to let my soul burn

It gave me pleasure

It shared with me things that needed confirmation.

I hear laughters now, I'm sure you guys are laughing at me, poking fun

Hear me now, Silence.

You will obey me.

Quiet down, you contagious humanity, don't you all have an elsewhere to be?

I never ever wanna explain my actions or words I've said.

No one, no one should ever ask.

No one should ever be given an answer.

I am me, I am her, I am we.

Go away people, there is nothing to see.

Revelation in Pieces

I
am
so
very
happy
for
her.

I mean,
new car
new perspectives
and the whole big 'hey, i'm moving on' thing.

What can
come close?

Time
is borrowed
before
another apocalypse hits.

I don't know
how I'll deal
but I'm sure I will.

I mean, it's not the first.

Fresh crimson
on my white
taunted relentlessly,
cruel words, laughing hysterically
Reminding me
Of your untimely absence. Of your undeserving death.
You said it was ok,
the way to go if the Gods said so.
Because I'm still here,
breathing and dealing, growing.
And so will you, in my heart, immortalized.
I wish I've never forgotten.
That image of you, sitting in my room, half-asleep and dreaming about pretty things
, patience, and love, beaming through your very being
That blue...
That you...
I wish I've apologized
for all that I've done wrong.
I wish I've never made you cry
and question why
You know, I'm not bright.
Can't quite shine alone
without your light
Can't quite tell my left from right.
Could you ever forget me,
forget this life?
Will time make this right by erasing what's ours, mine?
I sure hope not, for hey, this can't be right.

I beg your forgiveness, love, for I harbored desires, to sleep at night
to dream lovely thoughts and not of screeching tires and broken glass
and not red
I wanna see the world, and you'll be right beside
I wanna touch lives, so your eyes shall shine with pride
And I wanna die, not alone, and with a loud sigh.
Would you,
allow me that?
I can't tell you who the person is yet.
That piece of good news, that new surge of emotions and life
On which my blood drives
She's not arrived.

She might never.
And I might cry a little
But it's ok
I can't push for what's not mine
Can't rush
Perhaps it's just not yet time.

the Pencil theory

some guy told my friend on a train ride that life is like a pencil.

(12:51 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
we can do a lot of things when someone would hold our hands and guide us
(12:51 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
life is a collection of memories, remembered and forgotten, hence the eraser at the end
(12:51 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
and once in a while, when we get down or blunt or a little too conceited, we get a rude awakening and painful sharpening
(12:52 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
and the more we learn and grow, the shorter our lives are left with, the pencil get shorter and shorter
(12:52 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
but if we were to do just one good thing, something that made an impact on a person's life, we will still be remembered even if the pencil's gone

Looking For Me

A kid who has replaced cartoons for bloody veageances and flayings
A kid who sees only red and felt shards of clear white glass cut into her feets
A kid who has abandoned sleep and teddy bears for nightmares and tattoos
A kid who writes in her head poetic suicide notes but never really quite fulfill them
A kid who never calculate her losses for she never knew what she had and lost.
A kid who knew all the words to a wordless lullaby sung to her each night
A kid who gladly leaves her blood kins for a colder and harder world knowing she will only come home to regrets...and solitude

I am looking for me, at least who I used to be. Please tell me if you have seen her. I think I've lost her along the highway of Growing Up. It's one tough treacherous ride, they say. I think I buy it now. Sometimes, I wish I could walk backwards, then maybe I'll find her, and I'll keep her close this time. I promise. I promise I would see light again and bear no selfish desires beyond the next birthday.



A broken heart, indeed, all tangible. Am I lying, to say I have forgotten when actually none of that has happened? I knew her name, right from the start. The color of her eyes even when she sleeps. Every word of that song she sings. She's incredibly funny and a real piece of work. One who knew no boundaries, to love, to life, to everything. And one who taught me. Why, I ask, one day, why did you leave? So you would grow, she said. I didn't, I'm really didn't. I am still that same gal you left in the rain that night on that road. I am still 16. I am still incredibly stupid and useless and childish. I am still yours. But you are not mine anymore. You are of this Earth and her soil and greens and flowers. And I should have let you go, a long time before this...all this.

You must hate me now, for I've failed you. And now, my mother. I see the disappointments in her eyes. Will she ever look at me the way she sees my brother and other strangers? You told me she would, one day, just one good day. She will learn me and see me, that I should have patience. I worry the day she might leave me. I worry about the kind of things I might do to myself and others. Will I go insane? I don't think I have enough parts of myself to die along with her. I'm already pretty much invisible.

I love my mother and I will give her the world, if only she ask and listen. I will easily give up my life just for her. Will she understand? Doesn't she want me to be happy? Right now, I'm not. I don't know how.

"i'm sorry, mdm but her heart has stop
breathing cut short
please don't cry...there was nothing you could have done."
i beg my anger be no more and my love spread like fire
i can't read
i can't speak
i can't think
i can't explain just what the fuck is going on with me, inside of me, this useless unproductive body
and i want everyone to shut the fuck up and leave me alone
just me, and my music in my player
i need a pen and a book, to write, to remember
i have a disease tormenting me
i hope it wins and i'll go out without a sound, a note
perhaps dying and lying in a elaborately fucked up coffin isn't that bad
at least i get to choose the color and music and the kind of people i wanted there
would anyone mourn for my passing?
i doubt it
but it'd be a party!
everyone's invited as long as you bring money
just let go, won't you?
let me rest my weary head and close my eyes?
and stop punishing me, please
i just wanna at least love for the last time
to do one good thing, so maybe, just maybe, i'll come to you in your dreams and you will speak my name
to look into some girl's beautiful eyes and tell her how i feel about life, about her, how i could delight her for the rest of her life if she would only believe
no, day wouldn't come
i've lost that right
"You Are Beneath Me", they would say as they turned their backs, walking away
what flows in abundance through me is negativity, that you can get nowhere else
it is so hard to say no to
what i offer in hand is your worst day, a parade of tears and goodbyes
and still, i couldn't see what's wrong with me
though life and her little people disagree
beg to differ, coming up with their own theories
to judge and label me and lastly,
putting me in my place, the coffin
and i'll be happy
you see, ignorance, i don't believe in a life after death or God
we are bits made out from recycled matters floating around aimlessly in space
there is no man who should judge me and burn me
there is no conscience i would answer for but my own and even that would pass when i die
and it would be my heart
that i'll follow without hesitations or doubts
then i should die if it say so...

fatigue lures and tempts with a lullaby

yet she would never look me in the eye

am i not good enough?

am i not right?

or is she the one bearing the sin?

she's evasive now, turning her head and gaze away

don't walk away, please

don't leave, i beg

i have tears in my bloodshot eyes now

looking at her walk away with such resolution

am i damaged beyond repair?

am i not following?

or am i simply plain stupid?

i must be.

i'm pissed, very much at myselfi want things i can't have and i want these things because i wanted them they probably wouldn't carry any significance further than thati think i'm wrongand i'm reckless in making choicesi wanna do what's rightwhat's in the scheduleto type, to make things right this is no goodwhat this mortality is doing to me, my bodyhow all this would end in pain and fireeveryone is talking at me nowin my ears, in my head, screaming they are echoing their miseryand wish i could save them i just wanna resti just wanna to not speak a word and lay in beduntil the sun sets, until next sunrisemy passions are heftycaused me pain, and money caused me to be distant, from even my own blood familywill they understand, why i'm doing this?will they remember me, the true me?is this how it will end?with my death?with denial and more deceit? will my blood cleanses and bring happiness?i've got work to do now souls to savebroken to fixpeople to lovereturn wings to those who has fallenso hardso hard on themselves..i watched, i wept and i carried on on that little walk into the darkwhere i will feel homewhy can't i just be happy about stuffi'm real lucky, you knownot trapped by some mechanical or physical boundariesnot abused by my folks who drink and gamble and fucki'm not walking on glass shards everyday like some of them doit should be nicebut people worrythey are built that way and so i worry too choices i made, words i've used and saidill intentions and motives i may harbori've failed them all with truthwith my perceptioni think it's the one thing i've scoredflying colors, they sayand stickers and fake golden starsi am not aligned with myself with second thoughts i am not believing one word i say it's like a dream, and i'm watching with my weary eyesand no one, no one would ask why the light goneall tapped outflowers and greens writhed awaythe train wouldn't stopjust carrying on on its wilful waysi am leaving nowwith fatigueshe says she's taking me to some new placesshe says i'll enjoy myself tremedouslybecause she's with me, you know?always with me.we are forever.




yes, we were supposed to be foreverbut i forgot all about herthe way she sounded, and touched and lovedi am deeply ashamedbut tears, i can no longer shed in her namei will place blamei will kill a man and end this cruel gameto stop the rain to stop myself from hurting again i found some stuff of hers the other daysomething warm to wear on a cold bitter daysomething poetic to read and seek solace from on a real fucked up daythey were things of hersthings that would everyday remind me of herabsencethe living part of me has leftfollowed her out that doorwith devotion, a loyal partner sitting here on the floormy hands grasped for something invisibleit's called 'stability'and sometimes 'courage'i could almost hear her voice nowtelling me to be strong, like the amazonher blue eyes would shine with pride...

J July 28 2008

J was her name
That's all I needed and what a gorgeous name
There are things I've yet to understand
There are things I'll learn to grasp
Who is she really?
A rose in the rain?
A word in my lullaby
Or is she the woman in my dream, a blurry watercolor painting?
I don't know yet
Wouldn't have the answer until later
For now, I'll sit still
And watch her...

I hear her now, in the dark
Her voice, her sincerity
If it wasn't for her
I don't know how I've gotten so far today
Life is a flame burnt anew
Life is a path with fresh budding flowers along its edges
And life is about embarking on a self-discovery journey
With you, my guide, my light
You, my mentor and latest find

I saw clean lines
And I saw my footprints, hesitating to move forward because I know i'll die
I'm terrified, yet all along willingly on this ride
Where is she going to take me?
Where am I taking her?

What have I been doing?
What shouldn't I have done and said?
She's one hell of a tricky mystery
I'm not ready to unravel
But I am not a fking idiot either
I am just an ordinary girl who knows nothing outside of her world
I am only someone with words and with them, paint an universe

Have I hurt her?
Have I used words I shouldn't?
Have I gone so bizarrely out of my mind when I think about her?

I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable

I saw the color of your eyes today
And I heard your laughter with my own ears
It was music, it was real
You are indeed as practical as you said you were, all mapped out.

While all I had are words
And words and languages are cold
I've been hurt before, everyone has been before
But this is all I have and can give

I taste your comfort in my mouth now
You taught me well
It sets my heart on a rhythmic rhythm even at 170

You are ever swiftly moving, evasive about most everything
I can't get close, you know but I wouldn't push
You needed faith so it will all come at its own time

Maybe that first night would return to fill my heart with joy
Maybe I'll have the pleasure again to listen to your voice
Maybe
Maybe it's already forever lost.

Your words bounded me
lead me to believe
and compel me to forget everything we have shared.
Is this fair? I don't ask
Do I want more? Sure I do.
Will you give me it? I seriously doubt so.

The third day. That's all it takes.

I now watched with easy gratitude, flowers blooming.
Such fragile comfort...
The rain might come at times, and erosions too
But I suppose the will to wanna make things work prevailed and brought life
Mundane.

The Lake House

OK, I've just wrapped up watching The Lake House, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock last night. It gave me that familiar feeling that I would only get when I'm reading letters Tara used to write to me when she was alive. That feeling prompted me in anticipation to finish watching the DVD. It was the end of another crazy week at work and I'm barely recovering from my various flu and cough and whatnots bugs and I would love to get some rest. But I bought the DVD some time ago and I decided to do it justice by playing it. I've always been a Sandra Bullock fan and I knew that whatever projects she decided to embark on, it can't be too bad and The Lake House proved that point rather poignantly, I would say.

For gentle readers of my blog who have yet catch the film, I'm telling you you should. And beware for possible spoilers. 2 persons, existing in different time frames altogether exchanged correspondences through a mailbox. They realized they were living in the same house a.k.a the Lake House and rearing the exact same dog named Jack or Jac, I wouldn't know. Anyway, they tried desperately to meet up but a fatal car accident prevented that meeting. Alex, played by Keanu was dead before he could meet Kate, Sandra's character. Just one wrong reckless move, and the 2 of them would have been separated forever. The mind-boggling time travel thing aside, it's about 2 people finding themselves in themselves and then falling in love with each other and realizing just how significant they could be to each other and to everyone else.

I didn't think I would like the film so much. It could be because it's the very first time I was watchin' it and I had no clue to knowing how it would develop and its twists and ending. So it's all fresh and my heart ready to be taken for a spectacular and romantic ride. I was so terrified that Alex would die and they would never be reunited. I was in pain when I watched as Kate tried her hardest to save his life. And I think the tones of their voices have got a lot to do with it. How soft their voices were...

Tara used to write letters for me. I think she did that while I was asleep. She would later place the letters in a bundle and put them in a box. I also found a jacket. It wasn't really the most necessary piece of clothing in a tropical island like Singapore but I kept it anyway in my closet. There will come a day when I know I'll need it. Needless to say, the car accident in the film reminded me of her. In the film, Kate couldn't save that man's life and she was really affected by it. She thought about the life of that man, the people who were waiting for him to come home and how they would never know...and yes, I thought about that too. I never got over that accident. I never got over how incredibly stupid I must have been to let it happened. Maybe that's why I ain't in such a hurry to get a driver's license. A door would close and another one would open. At least that's what everyone says. I don't know if I believe it.

I'm graduating soon. I don't have a sustantial job offer yet. I'm thinking of applying for a job in Adelaide. It would be very scary. I would be on my own. I would have to be an adult. And I have to be strong. Right now, all I've got are words and plans. Nothing concrete yet. And if I've decided to go for it, I would need money so I suppose I would still be working in Singapore for a while more before embarking on my journey. We will see what happens and where I will go.

I've tried your every pair of shoes but none of them would have fit
I am unfit to walk this world like you did, with such grace and glory
Am I just so sick that...that I couldn't tell reality from deceit?
Have I forced my eyes shut just so I don't see?
Have I crippled myself so I don't have to seek?
I don't know, I can't tell for sure
I know you're gone, for good.
And I know I have too, long before you said 'all things will be good'

I think I've failed, and all so desperately to satisfy you

detnuah dna dehcraes ev'I, tsriht detaitasnu ekiL

detnaw ev'I

suonitnoc, denraey ev'I

dednilb ylbirret os neeb evah I dnA

mothaf t'nac I elpoep dna sgniht yB

ereh srehtaew suoegrog yllufrednow eht, seman, slebaL

ylsseltser os gnitser, evol, ereht nwod gniog ti si woH

rednu teef xiS

,demalb eb ot I mA

?tekcar drusba na hcus gnisuac roF

taews dedaeb dloc ni dehcnerd dna enola, deb ni yal oT

?eman cinamreG teews, teews ruoy tuo gnimaercs eb llits oT

...oN ?ereht reve neve uoy erA

lla meht devarc ev'I, ytilaer dna seiromeM

erom dna thgirb si taht lla dehs ev'I

klaw siht no no yrrac dluoc I os tusJ

?og uoy yhw, ksa I naC

?erom ecno tusj, uoy, evah I naC

?esromer dna niap siht, pots I naC

?araT em tnarg uoy dluow, droL"

?hcuot reh, seye reh fo roloc taht dna elims reh, eciov reh em tnarg uoy dluoW

?doolb gnimmirb eht pots uoy dluoW

su nI

"...os esoppus t'nod I...oN

最近的你都去了哪里
我笑着却无法控制的回忆不停在脑海里继续
颜色声音清晰
望着天空的我耐心等待着奇迹

你我将来是否还会相遇
没人能预知
没人能肯定

你在的天堂离我是否远近
好想寄张明信片给你
倾谈今天天气
细数夜晚星星

无法控制的眼泪复习着过去
睡梦里隐约听见你哼的旋律诗句
像是想提醒我要坚强努力

你我将来是否还会相遇
没人能预知
没人能肯定

你在的天堂离我是否远近
好想寄张明信片给你
倾谈今天天气
细数夜晚星星

如果能回到过去
我一定将你双手牢牢握紧

Silence and bright lights, my eyes opened wide
Words unspoken, distant melodies to my ears
Legs, unbeaten by fatigue, only driven by the lure of sweet memories, walk
And hands, what weary hands, wrote
Will she still be there, by the river waiting?
Why can't you hear that?
Why can't you just walk away?
Why do memories haunt like blurry moving pictures?
I sat alone in a dark corner
I sat alone, holding on, to things gone
If I shut my eyes, I'll see none
None of that color crimson, and none that I fear
There were stars and laughter
There was the air, and her voice so clear.

I made it for breakfast 4 in the morning too.

Last Kiss

Where, oh where, can my baby be?
The lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world
We were out on a date in my daddy's car
We hadn't driven very far
There in the road, straight ahead
a car was stalled, the engine was dead
I couldnt stop, so I swerved to the right
I'll never forget the sound that night
The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass
The painful scream that I heard last
Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?
The lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I've got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world
When I woke up the rain was pourin' down
There were people standin' all around
Something warm flowing through my eyes
But somehow I found my baby that night
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said. "hold me darling, just a little while."
I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew I had missed
Well now she's gone, even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life, that night
Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?
the lord took her away from me
She's gone to heaven, so I've got to be good
so I can see my baby when I leave this world

©Pearl Jam ~~Last Kiss
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBGfoOVn4o4

so this is goodbye
pain at its perfection
the sound you made, walking away
made me cringed
made me cried, eyes of red

I'm missing the darkness now
in your eyes, of your skin, of that smile
and the nights we've kissed all so many times
I'm hearing voices now
you walking away, not coming back
my heart breaking, blood brimming

Did you always wanted to leave?
have i made it easy?
all the memories good and bad, laughters in my head
you erased them away just like that

I'm missing that darkness now
color of your eyes, of your skin, of that geniuine smile
I'm hearing voices now
you walking away and not coming back
my heart breaking
my blood brimming

i wanna remember, every last everything we did
i wanna remember, every last syllabus we exchanged
i wanna never forget that it was me you loved, me you would die for

I'm missing that darkness now
in your eyes, of your skin
of that smile...
so this is goodbye

"Would you?, " Tara asked.

Would you still love me if you can't see me?
Would you still hold me close in the night and sing me to sleep?
Would you tell me jokes, funny or not, just so you could listen to me laugh?
Would you still hold my hand as we wandered the streets, day and night as shallow people stared and pointed fingers?
Would you ever get tired hanging out with me and me alone in that little rented room?
Would you have stopped me touching and kissing you?
Would you say no?
Would you still watch with intent when I eat and ask if it was any good?
Would you continue to lose yourself in the color of my eyes so blue, and smile when I talk?
Would you yell out my name when you'd wake in the middle of the night, sweating and in tears, sitting on the cold floor?
Would you leave me after I'm gone?

have i made it so easy for you to walk in and out of my life?
have i made you happy when you were here and alive?
i suppose i will never not make you cry again, huh, love?
i suppose you wouldn't have to stare into black again, when you looked into my eyes, lying in our bed
there wouldn't be no light...
i've always wanted happiness for you
how you deserved it
because you loved
because it was me you loved.
because it was me you gave.
what would you have said if i found another?
how would you have reacted if i did?
am i stupid?
am i just being stubborn?
i don't know and i don't really give a shit.
i would never love anyone like i loved you.
and because you were gone,
so have I, a long time ago.

Shamelessly overwhelmed with fatigue and fear, I grabbed at invisible straws last night and I've done and said things I am not entirely proud of. I let loose my demons and insecurities, its impact like aggressive water droplets hitting against the hard and torn pavement in a stormy night. I am guilty as charged, Sir.

I've pulled the plug, putting it off, for now anyway. The Greek trip that has got into my poor head, steering me like a ghostly possession. I've always wanted what I call 'good changes' but these changes come hefty, in the literal sense and not...I need to get myself back together. I am not sick, I am not frightening and I won't be compared with anyone else either.

I love her. I used to love her. She has hurt me. She used to hurt me. I never quite understood our relationship. Sometimes, you would scream to get her just to look at you for you are. You know you can't live without her, even though she doesn't feel the same for you. You would jumped in to block an incoming bullet in your heart, but she doesn't quite give a fuck about it. And sometimes, it's ok for her to be who and how she is. On most times, none of us really don't have the slightest fucking clue what you want.

I am not J and I will never be him. You have long disappeared round that bend a long time ago. I make it that way so the voice would stop, the pain would go away. I do not desire you with an undying flame ignited by passion and love. The color is a freezing blue now. I just need to be near you, to be of some significance to you, however small. I am putting myself in your path so you can kill me. Or lift me, depending on how things panned out. I will see you one day.

车走走停停路人潮拥挤
过往画面让心在下雨
我不会刻意回避还爱你
念着念着却想哭泣
这世界有没有地方能永远都晴朗
没有倔强爱不再让谁受伤
身旁没你地球失去重量
我多想能朝你方向飞吧飞吧
你没对我说再见
所以我没有走远
等待你等得忘了时间
快乐却早已跟随着你
leave~ leave~ leave~
曾一起努力
曾一起相信
甜的苦的剩各自回忆
用我最大的决心要自己
爱了放了没有恐惧
这世界有没有地方能永远都晴朗
没有倔强爱不再让谁受伤
身旁没你地球失去重量
我多想能朝你方向飞吧飞吧
你没对我说再见
所以我没有走远
等待你等得忘了时间
快乐却早已跟随着你
leave~ leave~ leave~

In is good

Hey, do you guys think the constant rain is a sign, that the world is fucking ending? You know how the rain is keeping everyone indoor and most probably with their loved ones, and how everyone, includin' myself has came down with something and ill and stuck in bed with a hot honey drink and the tissue box? The cold water is an imminent sign that we should start loving our loved ones more because just how easily they will just slipped because it's just so well, slippery.

I like the rain. I'm totally domesticated and I wouldn't step up unless I have to and the rainy weather just validated that. I probably have caught a bad cold and a couple of days ago, I had a bad sore throat so I really haven't been sleeping for a long time. And I have this sucky voice right now. It's not sexy. And the attachment is up and coming and it scares me. My incompetence scared me. I don't know how to shed it, this real fucked up skin of mine. And mentality. There is nothing wrong with me the same time there is. I wanna be confident about stuff because there is no reason not to and I've yet to even discover me.

The water is so cold and it jerks you right back into reality, an even much colder place, unfortunately. I wanna remember things that would happen on such a persistent rainy weather when Tara was around but nothing specific came up. I would imagine just curling up to her in her bed, fighting for whatever warmth we'll get from each other's bodies and I see mugs on the table. We would most probably be drinking Milo and oh yeah, I've successfully corrupted the Germanic mind with our local chocolatey products. Now that I could cook, I would cook her something nice and warm and soft. Yes I would. There is this tiny nagging thing at the back of my mind. Why didn't I fucking kiss her? I mean, we're dating and we were totally into each other and all couple-y and we should kiss! Yes, for the Book of Love said so. We are totally allowed to make out if we are geniunely into each other and have dreamt of babies names. Ok, so I made up the book...but anyway, that was it. I should have kissed her. Even just once.

The weather is changing, and things are dying, writhing away in agony, physically or otherwise. I am writhing away in my chair right this moment as the first line of this new entry hit me. I'm happy to say that my computer's on and I have an internet connection running (i don't wanna jinx it by saying that my internet connection totally rocks!) so I could update this. Right now, I am waiting. Maybe E will come online and we can talk about the trip. Maybe S will reply me and maybe The L Word would load faster because I just watched both Bette and Tine cried their guts out because they lost their baby and amidst such pressures. I have also related on a very personal level the fear of Dana coming out to her parents. I'm not sure if she and Lara will get back together but I thought Lara's super hot. Yes guys, I'm only at my first season but I'll take my time with it.

I've not been able to write anything for the story lately so I'll apologize if anyone of you is remotely waiting for it. The intellectual, creative fluid was cut short, prematurely and I've run dry. Alexandria and Victoria are no longer talking to me in my head. I am not seeing the sun of Miami or hearing the waves crashed along the coast line at night. I don't see pretty young things on skates and in those hot beach wears...but I promise, if I do get them back, I will give you something that's worth the wait.

It's really hard taking the first step to doing anything. I have a supplementary paper to work on but everytime I retrieve my files, I wish my heart would stop. I wish the guilt and fear aren't carrying any extra weigh with them. "I don't like company, guys. I'm good." But I know I have to find a way to get started on it. This is one of those things that is not up for procrastination now...

Si Te Hace Feliz...

I just wanna say something right here, right now. I just want to me to be happy about stuff that nobody is. 6 fucking years ago, I fucking died and nobody in hell fucking cares and gives a shit and it fucking upsets me. Everyone is still fucking telling me that I have to be with a fucking man who fucks me and doesn't remotely and necessarily know the meaning of love and respect and sensitivity and what else that I fucking align myself with. All I am is me. I have got a name I'm still fucking trying to figure out. I am not sure if Ashley or Alexandria would cut it but you know, I already know what you guys fucking thinks. I can't tell my mother who I am. It is fucking eating me up and you know what guys, I don't fucking deserve this. I am only who you are, and perhaps better o....or lesser I don't care. I wanna fucking date and fucking fuck with that one person I love and spend my life with her. I don't need a marriage certificate. Hell, I might even pass on the whole ceremony and flowers and beaches and nice gowns.

I am just so fucking tired and I just wanna see how many I could use the word 'fuck' because it's apparently the only fucking entertainment I've got on my fucking hand and it's really fun. So sue me if you must but I think everyone should really fucking see things from my fucking perspective. Through my weary bloodshot eyes, you will see this life.

My dearest love,
I have wrote to you in my brain sitting in my father's car. It was beyond my capacity to think, so early in the morning and sitting with a man I don't quite know. I was looking across a huge body of water and staring at it, my emotions surged. I could see where my mother has spent her childhood, miserable and perhaps very happy too. It struck me as the most gorgeous place to be. We could really just be sitting down against the steel barricade things with one another and not speak. I could lose myself in your blue eyes and watched intently as stories unfold like water to quench a person's perpetual thirst. And I have not drunk since. To remember the colors and to have them etched into our memories when the sun rises and sets, how the rays matched the dark, almost black water somehow. It wouldn't quite make sense I'll grant you but it's beautiful and I think that counts for a lot.


Baby, you do understand that without you, even good ol' heaven pales in comparison and I will definitely burn in hell for wanting you so much I am not feeling anything for anything now. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible for me to be overly escstatic about something or be really upset about something because I am an asshole. And a selfish one at that so...please don't bring it down on me.


Everyday I would wake up and I will not see your face. I am no longer in your bed, the kinda squeaky one yes, and I don't have my hand in your pants, not that we actually had the chance...still. We so have to kiss, girl...


You know, maybe that's what it is; that I am denied of all things good because I 've done something so wrong and terrible. I am not motivated and I suck at pretty much everything you can think about. I am so god damn indecisive at times and sometimes I actually lie. Forgive me please, whoever you are, if you are out there. I didn't mean what I do and say. I just want things to be ok, and my way.

That spreading crimson is such a bad color on the vibrate blue and light.
Time stop, I stop.

Quiet

"Baby says I can't come with him
And I had read all of this in his eyes
Long before he even said so
Why go, I asked
You know and I know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
Take care
I've been hurt before
Too much time spent on closing doors
You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you
Goodbye
Don't cry
You know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal your best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history?
Would you feel the same
As I walk out the door
Never to see your face again
Never to see your face again
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
It'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything to change when I leave"

Apparently I love this song, shed a tear for it even and in a public place. I feel like it's kinda what Tara would have said anyway, to me, at the door, with a suitcase of her earthly possessions ready to be trashed. I might not know why she died, but I kinda knew that it was the only one thing she must do and as the person who swored her life for her, would therefore, theoritically support her and let her go. And like what the chorus said, it'd be as quiet as when she leaves, the way it was when she first came. And after she's gone, she would like nothing changed, and that includes me. I am supposed to still be that fucked up lousy grader who can't achieve no shit and could stand in front of no mirrors and be proud of what looked back. Guess nothing has changed after all...Go if you must, my love, for I shall stay and live this world for you. You would never have to be tainted again.

or so a different wishing star falls, with stunning acceleration bursting into flames
flames that were born out of passion and love
i was once a witness of that birth
i was once the person who didn't want it to happen
i thought, 'friends, a friendship would have been better for you have to know him better'
They went ahead anyway, and with my blessings.
They have been together for the last years, i can't remember for how long
And as time passes, everyone around them has figured out what's wrong
Everyone offered help, a listening ear and they rejected them so
And so everyone watched, hoping to see the light again, of their undying passion of one another
or so a different wishing star falls, into darkness
they will each find another again, i'm sure
i know
and it was nothing ugly, it was only time
it was something awaiting
something both of them and maybe us were almost waiting for
it'd be a good thing.

If I die today, please give this to whom I have loved so much and let down. If I die, it is only because of what I've done. I am trying to do what's right, in another's eyes. To go to that school, to study for that subject I have no absolute comprehension and desire for, to make that move because that is politically and logically the correct one. And to have failed so miserably, over and over again. I hate looking forward to fear, to waste precious time and space to such unhappiness. I may truly have a mental problem, sir. A phobia I can't overcome, the first step I have refused to take; operating life with not a brain or the fire of passion to learn and win. I am afraid of repetition of patterns and being the odd one out. I am a coward who couldn't see the value of this existence. I'm petrified with committments, and examinations simply because they are like mirrors reflecting flaws. My own.

The above entry almost came off as a suicide note. Almost, being the operative word, I guess. I've been depressed as of 2 days ago. It was my last paper and I thought I could at least pass it. But on the great contrary, I handed it in blank answer sheet. I sat there for a hour, struggling to find a way round it, to feel the light somehow, to magically be able to remember what I've learnt the day before, to start writing remotely. I just want to get through the paper, the day. To have that dinner in peace and relief like everyone would be. To be braced for that wicked internship to come and save up for that trip. But all was shattered. I realized I do not know one thing about the particular subject. I didn't attempt any past years papers because I was too fucking scared and of something I can't understand.

There has always been a fear, almost innate, just waiting to rip me apart if I let it. I have never been diligent or motivated enough to overcome that fear. Hell, I was never motivated to do anything but watch time pass and see where my grave fits in the bigger picture of gravestones. I have a hidden phobia to numbers and logic, things I can't see in my head without actually seeing it on a piece of tangible paper. I still can't remember table and seat numbers in the restaurant I've had the Service Practicum for the past months. I have never ever pass Math and Science.

Today, as I was sitting on the floor, thinking about ways and methods to pass the supplementary paper, I could. I've gotten past years papers from my classmate who by the way, thought the paper was super easy. I could work on them immediately if I don't vomit and die of a sort of a heart condition first. I could picture myself at lunch after the supplementary paper and being happy and relieved about passing it. And I will do it, just so I didn't have to kill myself. Now I know fear.

Dear World of the Happy and Relieved,
Why have you allowed myself to do wrong? I have not done good for myself today. I was horribly incompetent and it showed. I allowed panic and fear and unwanted thoughts of failure to set in and overwhelm me. My heart was pounding so fast I wish it to stop. Oh yes, I am a coward who rather die then sit there a humiliation and going through rounds and rounds of absurd questions that have got no good for me. This has happened before, as I walked out of the room before anyone did, as I handed in the answer sheet filled with nothing but shameful scribbling of futile attempts.
"How could I not do this?" My brain and everyone asked. And I said, "how could I?" Inconceivable thoughts crossed my stupid brain as I sat there, my hand no longer trying to pick up the pen. Scenarios of retaking the subject and not graduating or simply quiting the fucking course and all I've done for the last 2 years...It was the nightmare come true and mine only. And right that moment, I've not the slightest bit of an excuse or a clue of the fucked up person I am. I hate to know me for me. I shouldn't even be here; someone more eligible should. Whatever I wanted to do, accouting's not one of them. But if I could do something different, I would give up anything and believe me, I will.
My head was spinning as I tried to breathe, to make a noise to say that I'm ok. And I've failed.
Yes, I've failed.
Am I even fit to feel such overwhelming and surging emotions? Have I not do this to myself? Have I not give it my best just to stop that beating heart and fainting spells? Am I to fail, after staying the night to do what I can, with that fear tearing me apart? I suppose it didn't cut it, whatever I try to pull. Hours I've stayed up for the crazy breathless moments I've been avoiding all these years. Hiding and dodging my past self just so I don't have to face failure. I have never been so frightened before, of the known, of unthinkable consequences. And they will come back to haunt me, for they aren't shadows that disappear when the light no longer shine.

It amazed me how freaking easy it is to screw up, to see the light in a person's eyes disappear and that person actually cared for you more than you ever would yourself. I'm sorry. Please forgive me and see me for who I truly am; how incredibly fucked up I've let myself become. It was fear I can't comprehend, fear of numbers and logic, of what I can't see immediately. I looked around and nobody was like me. Everyone has got something to do, has their lives, at least for that 2 hours all figured out...everyone but me. I don't know what exactly happened but it happened as soon as I flipped open the paper and all I see and felt was coldness and pain. I hate me! I will fail that next paper again and I am so scared...and helpless...and nobody can help me.

I'm envious, all what I can't have, because it's just the way it is. I'm watching the Oscars now and I'm like, 'how come I'm not part of that?' I wanted to be a screenwriter, to be the gal to write a film so people can fork out a few bucks and 2 hours of their time to see what I can tell them. I've always like that but I'm sure I can't deal with it all...the money, the temptation to forget your primary goals and the women...yes, never forget the women. Assuming I'm at the same time, hot.

I like the glamorous to life, I believe, how surreal it can be sometimes. How fake, everyone's faces...and in their eyes. Hollywood, baby. But even if I were there, I could just be the screwed up asshole by the roadside too, and nobody can tell, really. I might not be able to speak English, for all I know. Maybe I'm happy here, right where I am, where I can be or cannot be.

I have always written and I always had trouble because everything is going on in my head. It played out, with sound and unsound conversations, rational and irrational sex, and nobody ever smokes in my head. They always had other kinds of addictions and nope, smoke is not one of them, kid. I wanna write and see it panned out on screen, or on the stage, whatever. I wanna see real people bringing their own interpretations and personalities through my writings and direction, talking and smiling and cursing and fucking. I'm already seeing the whole R-21 all over it but really who the hell cares? It's all I want...It's what I want.

You know, if it doesn't pan out, me and her, and the plans. This might just happen.

I think about how it might have beenWe'd spend our days travelin'It's not that I don't understand youIt's not that I don't want to be with youBut you only wanted meThe way you wanted meSo, I will head out alone and hope for the bestAnd we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyesYou can tell the world what you want them to hearI've got nothing left to lose, my dearSo, I'm up for the little white liesBut you and I know the reason whyI'm gone, and you're still thereI'll buy a magazine searching for your faceFrom coast to coast, or wherever I find my placeI'll track you on the radioAnd I'll sign your list in a different nameBut as close as I get to youIt's not the sameSo, I will head out alone and hope for the bestWe can pat ourselves on the back and say that we triedAnd if one of us makes it bigWe can spill our regretsAnd talk about how the love never diesBut you and I know the reason whyI'm gone, and you're still thereSo, steal the showAnd do your best to cover the tracks that I have leftI wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking forThe way I might've changed my mindBut you only showed me the doorSo, I will head out alone and hope for the bestWe can pat ourselves on the back and say that we triedAnd if one of us makes it bigWe can spill our regretsAnd talk about how the love never diesBut you and I know the reason why

Ok, it's the last day of the week and I am so tired but it was ok. I always am when the week would come to a close. Typically, I would have had Service today and would not have otherwise been crying. It was an all-new today. I caught 2 movies in a row. The first one was PS: I Love You starring Hilary Swank, Gerald Butler, James Marster and Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe in Friends) and the other one was Ah Long Pte Ltd starring Fann Wong and Mark Lee. I watched the first one first. It wasn't a total full score from the book itself with the same name written by Cecila Ahern, an Irish author, when she was still in school and book published when she was 21. There were parts added in and parts not added in. It's a new thing away from the book, if you have read the book, that is. I would recommend Kleenex and no popcorn for this. You wanna avoid the mess.

Ah Long, on the other hand, didn't quite do it for me. I was totally just watching for Fann Wong because I really like her, no matter what anyone would say. I didn't go in knowing the plot or the ending or the comments and reviews. I was just along for the ride. It is supposed to reflect life as some of us would know it. How money can change a person's life, how power can devour. I personally can't live without knowing I have money in my wallet and in the bank account. I've yet achieved that level of security. My family isn't exactly well-to-do and we are owning money, corporations and banks and maybe people, I wouldn't know. And it's a good feeling that I have some money to do what I want. And I could go out anytime, like today, on a Friday for movies, which I never ever do. And I would like to keep that feeling.

I spent my last 20 bucks on a piece of CD. I was very excited. I've not bought a CD in ages and I was trying my luck in the store, reading on the R's because I was looking for her.


Her name's Rachael Yamagata, she's 30 and well, god bless her. She writes and plays the piano and the guitar and she has actually came to Singapore for one of the Mosaic Festivals thing. She has cats and a wicked sense of humor which I liked a lot. Her mother is of Italian and German heritage, is a painter/artist while her father's American Japanese. She's really good so please, people, if you know what's good, look her up! But if you are already friends with me, you know what to do.

It's the exams next week and I've been trying to kill myself over it, with lecture notes and my own notes and throwing questions from the year-end papers but I am still not doing enough. This is me, it's how I deal, and not ideally. I would never study for anything. I suck as a student and probably as a person but come on, life's shorter than the expressway. I don't wanna live reading from books, studying for exams, even though I really should...but really, who I am kidding here?

Last evening before I turned in, I asked myself a question, one I obviously did not get an answer. But I might just be writing up a story about it.

So the plot or rather the crazy bits and pieces in my head goes: Alexandria Kaede, a schizophrenic chef in her early 20s was diagnosed with mild depression a year after her fiancee, Adrianna Gallagher was shot by a mugger in Central Park, New York. She refused to give up her wedding ring and amidst the struggling, she was fatally wounded in the heart. It was apparent Alex's grasping and trying very hard to come to terms with Adrianna's death when her mother realized that she has stopped medication for her schizophrenia. She was so caught up in her grief that she couldn't go to work or get out of the house. Alexandria begun having severe hallucinations. She believed Adrianna has came back to her and that everything was normal and couldn't be better. The wedding will go on as planned, if only the caterers and flower people would just listen to her, the adoption documents would pass and their new home by the beach will be ready by the end of summer. As far as her mother and friends are concerned, Alexandria's terribly disturbed and in danger. So her mother had no choice but to spike her drink with her medication (apparently the duo was doing cake and champagne tastings). Alexandria regained herself and she broke down. It was the first time she allowed any display of emotions since Ad's funeral. She decided to go for a trip while her mother cancelled all wedding preparations on her behalf. Alexandria told her mother that she will return the daughter she knew and the woman Adrianna loved. She didn't exactly know where she was going but she knew it was a trip to heal and to forget and move on. She knew she had to continue her medication and re-ignite her passion for cooking. That would be what Adrianna would have wanted.

Weeks passed and Alexandria found herself in Miami, Florida where she has gotten her first tattoo. It was Adrianna's middle name and Alexandria has always loved it and nobody calls Adrianna by her middle name 'cept her so it was very special. She begun seeking solace in tattoos and taking long walks. On one of her long walks by the beach, she lost her medication. And whenever she stops her medication, Adrianna returns to her. Alexandria is caught between choosing reality and her only love. Apart from the fact that she sees her lover and feels her, Alexandria is pretty much ok. She could still cook, if not better. She sees things, beautiful things and colors. And so for a while, she stopped medication for good, just so Adrianna would continue to be at her side. She met a freelance English photographer, Victoria McLaren when she brought Adrianna along for one of her usual long walks. Tori was simply stunned at how beautiful Alexandria is, when she would lift her head and look into space with her lips slightly open or the way she would smile, the michevious glint in her blue eyes. She was completely mesmerized. (Tori'll come to realize that Alexandria was not looking into space but at Adrianna, a figment of her imagination) She thought Alexandria to be the perfect subject for her exhibition and she followed her. Victoria never knew love, growing up in an abusive family and living on food coupons until her father died and she's adopted by a family she never knew and understood. She wants to capture love and true human emotions with her camera. Victoria was drifting from one relationship to the next, from one stranger to another. As Victoria learns and realizes the source of Alexandria's love and inner struggles, she found herself falling in love with the mysterious woman and what she could give and offer. Victoria too, has to choose between convincing Alexandria to continue on her medication or to keep that innocent, in-love side of Alexandria, the woman she has fallen in love with.

How does one tell reality from what's not? How does one choose to live in a painful and cold world? That was my question. Do not worry, I'm hardly schizophrenic. The question came to me after I've watched Dirt, starring Courtney Cox and Ian Hart. Ian's character, Don's schizophrenic and he went off his medication after his only partner, Tristan, i think the name was, died of cancer. It was a cat but it was all he had and he begun having this really cool hallucination that helped ease any grief and loneliness that was devoring him. Eventually he went back to his medication and he woke up the next morning to find a box/litter of kitties just outside his door. He found love and company again. I'm probably driven mad but I don't really care. I don't know what else to do anymore but think and write.

Going through life's motions is exactly what it has been for my last years. Only turning in the break of dawn and never waking up when the sun rises. And wakin' up in tears, desperate for any hint of salvation, of her scent. I reckon a rude awakening is in order now, don't you think, kind souls? I could die right now and she would refuse to see me. Her death, a drug that has put me away for good. I looked at this fucked up world and I see her face. I looked at its even more fucked up insignificant hordes of humans, I see her face.

For just one time,
I wanna write something.
Something that is yet abstract, yet forgotten.
mynamewas something i can't quite remember
her name was quite something i can't forget ever
am i living?
for another, gone?
am i breathing?
for another, stopped?
am i in pain?
for another, numb?
will i ever get on with life, i'll ask
will i ever see the sun, i'll ask
will i ever see you again, my love, my last?
things were simple
love was all that is
us were what mattered
but you left
and rendered me blind and insignificant...

It must be Tuesday.

I am not sure if I'm any good, when I wake in the mornin'. It was Tuesday and I liked the ring of it. It meant I could get myself half-drunk, just screwed up enough to be not here and I didn't even have to pay for it. Right this moment I am sowing what I've exactly reaped. It's midnight and I should be sleeping now but I am still feeling a lil' on the high side. I'm not going to be doing this anymore; it was already the last tutorial and so yeah, no more free wine for the 22 year old kid no more. I am no alcoholic, so no big. Light, maybe, light.

It has been a hard morning to wake up to. For some reasons, I wanted to cry my heart out and then, be hitting a guy or anyone, no one in particular right in their faces so bad that I wouldn't even know why. It was hard to grip, I couldn't do neither. I am impossible to grip. I don't know how many fucking times I've said this and if I'm even exhausted. I miss her like crazy, I wanted to hold her so bad, to kiss her so hard that I could die. That I wish I died. And I'm only just recovering from a drunken stupor one way or another. I wish I could lose this feeling. This feeling of loss, of having lost, of being lost. Constantly. It's scary and frustrating, when you are just standing on your own there and emotions surged right through your every fibre and you don't know what to do about it.

You wake up every mornin', first thing you wanna do is to put your fist through the bathroom mirror and you wanna put your heavy head back down in your bloodied hands and pretend nothing has happened. If you could hear my voice, you could tell just how much I wanted to die but not literally, just a voice that yelled 'i've had enough'. I wouldn't die even if I kill myself. It's a silly thought to even be contemplating.

It's another morning, and I still wanna cry but it's like you're so ready to jump, off a building but you can't move and time is still moving forward and it's fucking irritating, if one must insist. It's just like a screencap, a particular scene stuck in time and motion, just remembering it all and never gettin' out of it.

If I could take you awayPretend I was queenWhat would you sayWould you think I'm unreal'Cause everybody's got their way I should feelEverybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your loveBut I want, want, want to be your loveWant to be your love, for realEverybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your loveBut I want, want, want to be your loveWant to be your love for realWant to be your everythingEverything...Everything's falling, and I am included in thatOh, how I try to be just okayYeah, but all I ever really wantedWas a little piece of youAnd everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your loveBut I want, want, want to be your loveWant to be your love, for realEverybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your loveBut I want, want, want to be your loveWant to be your love for realEverything will be alrightIf you just stay the nightPlease, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk awayPlease, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk awayAnd everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your loveBut I want, want, want to be your loveWant to be your love, for realEverybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your loveBut I want, want, want to be your loveWant to be your love for realAnd everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your loveBut I want, want, want to be your loveWant to be your love, for realEverybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your loveBut I want, want, want to be your loveWant to be your love for realI want to be your love, love, love

why can't i change the past?

It was not meant to be. I could come back a thousand times and watch her die a thousand ways. I could never save her, not now, not ever, not this lifetime. It’s strange how a revelation should hit you and so many times over. I was just showering and remembered singing along to Justin Timberlake in the bathroom and my world changed as soon as I turned on the television and watched a poor but devoted man spent 4 years of his useful life inventing a time machine just so he could go back to saving his wife-to-be who died right after she said yes to his marriage proposal. Warm tears flowed without restraints down my cheek, not that I am any gorgeous and with a distinctive jaw line but they flow anyhow. The film is called The Time Machine, perhaps produced by the States as they always have such imaginative creative mind filled with agony and a desire to attempt the impossible, like bringing back the dead. And failing but always learning.

I used to ask, if I was any capable, if I could save her. I realized I probably couldn’t. And I hated it. I hated how I couldn’t do the slightest bit for her, after what she has given me. To think I yearned the power to resurrect but only her. She who gave me light and darkness, she who gave me black and white is not non-existent anymore. Memories of the past are as good as knifes if they were any tangible. It is astonishing how one could live like I did. Everything she once liked surged through my broken head. She has fancied roses, and specifically that of red and she was kind. Too kind for her own benefit some might say. And a coward like me is trying to fill her shoes just to fill my own soul. I don’t know what and who I am, if I am anything good. All I know is I am nothing without her and I know what people are going to say about that but nobody’s me. I can say and feel whatever I want because it’s just the way it is. And it’s foolishly hilarious; some time later I am not going to remember all this shit because I would have been dust by then. But till then.

I am still watching the film as I am typing this and it’s beginning to seem to be gravitating towards a more ‘the guy character has to save the world now’. And it is beginning to lose its meaning, for me anyway. It has become rather of the bigger picture which the selfish part of me refused to give a shit about. I am so not caring at all. Monsters are appearing, grabbing boys and girls and into sand pits. Maybe I should just turn off the darn TV and go to sleep. I’ll be waking in time to romaine lettuce and deciding between homemade mayonnaise and commercial.

All these years, I’ve refused to let go, of what is now a faint shadow of how things were. And I have fallen quite sick, I believe, relating to problems of the heart and breathing literally. In fact I am hardly breathing well at all. Sometimes when it happens, it was really unbearable. I mean, one should expect that when one can’t breathe.

I bear not the slightest idea how I've lasted so long, walked this far. I lacked greatly in every department possible and I am still lost. And I will die alone. Perhaps it is such blessing that I should bear this alone. I miss her.

I've been writing, seemingly ridiculous entries these past weeks and I'm sure I will eventually come back and delete them in time to come. But that time's not now, I guess. I'm keeping 'em, people, but who the fuck really cares anyway?

I've been making plans all my life, hoping I'll have to do something about them, like school for instance. I am quite delirious now as I'm writing this so please, pardon me. My mom and I were having this conversation about nothing at all and I told her I wanted to get a motorcycle license and of course, she wouldn't let me. She said no one in our family has ever done it and so I should conform to that fucking tradition. I was so totally rolling my eyes and shaking my poor head and I told her, ''there is no fucking way in this fucking world that I would ever fucking do what others did just so I could be the same." We've been at it for ages now and I really didn't wanna talk about it anymore. Of course I shut up and walked away really really pissed, it wasn't even about the motorcycle license anymore when the conversation ended but about who I am. My mom and family would never take me for who I am. I can't even say more about that. All these while, I knew I've not accepted it, the fact that I am given the death sentence because I'm different. I was really angry, still am maybe but I can't show it to no one.

I am not feeling so well and I wanted to study for my tests but I couldn't concentrate. I just feel like running away, really fast in a direction I can't tell. I wanna jump in joy about something that isn't even happy and I wanna scream so loud I would go deaf. And if I had my acoustic guitar with me, I would be staring at what little debris and wood it would be rendered at the floor right about now. I'm not sure the source of my energy. I feel faint-y, I am extremely bored and I still wanna break something (been thinking about it all day...)

I wanna be everyone for everyone. I wanna be there in the nick of time, to save someone, a friend, perhaps. But I can never save myself. I refused so.

God, I fucking hate my dad and I guess it counted, that for some odd reasons, I actually loved him or at least, tried to. He fathered me but he was never my dad and I wouldn't find out years after he's dead. What's wrong with me and this world? Why can't I love? Am I that bad? Can no one get near? Am I to die alone and quiet? No, this is unfair! Why can't I have him? Was it all because of what he had done? Or didn't bother to do? I wanted to love my father...I really do...I just....
I wanted to sought comfort from no one but me.

This is pretty much seething hatred for a man who fathered me. It's something that's fleeting, that comes and goes when something happens. And I'm just sitting with it, not knowing what to do but knowing exactly that this is how I feel and that there is nothing ashamed about it. But that doesn't mean I enjoyed it at all. I'm tired, and I have so many other things that I have to face alone and sometimes I don't know what to do. It's just that simple, a question but with no answer...

This is not supposed to be an angry entry, I'm not angry when I'm typing this entry. In fact I am just so tired from another project marathon. I think I should sleep.

Tonight I met up with my pals, Drew and Adeline and I didn't think I could have had a happier time. We went dinner, nothing too special about it and we talked. It was quality time well-spent. And I really love having them around and Drew's this really i don't know, persistent guy and I'm not sure if it's a good thing...



I'm gay, he's certainly not, in fact he's rather Christian. We would always be arguing about it from our own perspectives and POV and he would never in his life, this life anyway agree to what I say and we were like having a little debate competition going on earlier hanging out at Macdonald's and everyone around us seemed to be eavesdropping. It was a little mad that he can't see my orientation the way I see it and it frustrated me. He was and still is a very kind friend, a good man even. I mean he wanted happiness for me and I wanted happiness for myself and it wasn't even about winning or losing the argument but more of bringing across his points and make me see that I am indeed wrong. I get it. He and my brother would make a perfect pair. He would say this like all the freaking time and it's so funny what Adeline said about it. He would say this " 两个鸡蛋不会生出小鸡!" and Adeline said I should write it on my New Year couplet and hang it round. It was so funny when she said that. We were laughing like absolute crazy. I really love those guys.



We don't get to hang out a lot, Drew's in camp, Adeline's working and doing a part-time degree course and I have my own stuff to do but every time we meet out, we had the most fun. We may stand polar opposite on some issues but at the end of the day, we will always be good friends and I think Adeline knows that and I hope Drew too. I think it is really important. I wish we had taken photos but we are really not the camera-loving crew...