Looking For Me

A kid who has replaced cartoons for bloody veageances and flayings
A kid who sees only red and felt shards of clear white glass cut into her feets
A kid who has abandoned sleep and teddy bears for nightmares and tattoos
A kid who writes in her head poetic suicide notes but never really quite fulfill them
A kid who never calculate her losses for she never knew what she had and lost.
A kid who knew all the words to a wordless lullaby sung to her each night
A kid who gladly leaves her blood kins for a colder and harder world knowing she will only come home to regrets...and solitude

I am looking for me, at least who I used to be. Please tell me if you have seen her. I think I've lost her along the highway of Growing Up. It's one tough treacherous ride, they say. I think I buy it now. Sometimes, I wish I could walk backwards, then maybe I'll find her, and I'll keep her close this time. I promise. I promise I would see light again and bear no selfish desires beyond the next birthday.



A broken heart, indeed, all tangible. Am I lying, to say I have forgotten when actually none of that has happened? I knew her name, right from the start. The color of her eyes even when she sleeps. Every word of that song she sings. She's incredibly funny and a real piece of work. One who knew no boundaries, to love, to life, to everything. And one who taught me. Why, I ask, one day, why did you leave? So you would grow, she said. I didn't, I'm really didn't. I am still that same gal you left in the rain that night on that road. I am still 16. I am still incredibly stupid and useless and childish. I am still yours. But you are not mine anymore. You are of this Earth and her soil and greens and flowers. And I should have let you go, a long time before this...all this.

You must hate me now, for I've failed you. And now, my mother. I see the disappointments in her eyes. Will she ever look at me the way she sees my brother and other strangers? You told me she would, one day, just one good day. She will learn me and see me, that I should have patience. I worry the day she might leave me. I worry about the kind of things I might do to myself and others. Will I go insane? I don't think I have enough parts of myself to die along with her. I'm already pretty much invisible.

I love my mother and I will give her the world, if only she ask and listen. I will easily give up my life just for her. Will she understand? Doesn't she want me to be happy? Right now, I'm not. I don't know how.