If I die today, please give this to whom I have loved so much and let down. If I die, it is only because of what I've done. I am trying to do what's right, in another's eyes. To go to that school, to study for that subject I have no absolute comprehension and desire for, to make that move because that is politically and logically the correct one. And to have failed so miserably, over and over again. I hate looking forward to fear, to waste precious time and space to such unhappiness. I may truly have a mental problem, sir. A phobia I can't overcome, the first step I have refused to take; operating life with not a brain or the fire of passion to learn and win. I am afraid of repetition of patterns and being the odd one out. I am a coward who couldn't see the value of this existence. I'm petrified with committments, and examinations simply because they are like mirrors reflecting flaws. My own.

The above entry almost came off as a suicide note. Almost, being the operative word, I guess. I've been depressed as of 2 days ago. It was my last paper and I thought I could at least pass it. But on the great contrary, I handed it in blank answer sheet. I sat there for a hour, struggling to find a way round it, to feel the light somehow, to magically be able to remember what I've learnt the day before, to start writing remotely. I just want to get through the paper, the day. To have that dinner in peace and relief like everyone would be. To be braced for that wicked internship to come and save up for that trip. But all was shattered. I realized I do not know one thing about the particular subject. I didn't attempt any past years papers because I was too fucking scared and of something I can't understand.

There has always been a fear, almost innate, just waiting to rip me apart if I let it. I have never been diligent or motivated enough to overcome that fear. Hell, I was never motivated to do anything but watch time pass and see where my grave fits in the bigger picture of gravestones. I have a hidden phobia to numbers and logic, things I can't see in my head without actually seeing it on a piece of tangible paper. I still can't remember table and seat numbers in the restaurant I've had the Service Practicum for the past months. I have never ever pass Math and Science.

Today, as I was sitting on the floor, thinking about ways and methods to pass the supplementary paper, I could. I've gotten past years papers from my classmate who by the way, thought the paper was super easy. I could work on them immediately if I don't vomit and die of a sort of a heart condition first. I could picture myself at lunch after the supplementary paper and being happy and relieved about passing it. And I will do it, just so I didn't have to kill myself. Now I know fear.