Dear World of the Happy and Relieved,
Why have you allowed myself to do wrong? I have not done good for myself today. I was horribly incompetent and it showed. I allowed panic and fear and unwanted thoughts of failure to set in and overwhelm me. My heart was pounding so fast I wish it to stop. Oh yes, I am a coward who rather die then sit there a humiliation and going through rounds and rounds of absurd questions that have got no good for me. This has happened before, as I walked out of the room before anyone did, as I handed in the answer sheet filled with nothing but shameful scribbling of futile attempts.
"How could I not do this?" My brain and everyone asked. And I said, "how could I?" Inconceivable thoughts crossed my stupid brain as I sat there, my hand no longer trying to pick up the pen. Scenarios of retaking the subject and not graduating or simply quiting the fucking course and all I've done for the last 2 years...It was the nightmare come true and mine only. And right that moment, I've not the slightest bit of an excuse or a clue of the fucked up person I am. I hate to know me for me. I shouldn't even be here; someone more eligible should. Whatever I wanted to do, accouting's not one of them. But if I could do something different, I would give up anything and believe me, I will.
My head was spinning as I tried to breathe, to make a noise to say that I'm ok. And I've failed.
Yes, I've failed.
Am I even fit to feel such overwhelming and surging emotions? Have I not do this to myself? Have I not give it my best just to stop that beating heart and fainting spells? Am I to fail, after staying the night to do what I can, with that fear tearing me apart? I suppose it didn't cut it, whatever I try to pull. Hours I've stayed up for the crazy breathless moments I've been avoiding all these years. Hiding and dodging my past self just so I don't have to face failure. I have never been so frightened before, of the known, of unthinkable consequences. And they will come back to haunt me, for they aren't shadows that disappear when the light no longer shine.

It amazed me how freaking easy it is to screw up, to see the light in a person's eyes disappear and that person actually cared for you more than you ever would yourself. I'm sorry. Please forgive me and see me for who I truly am; how incredibly fucked up I've let myself become. It was fear I can't comprehend, fear of numbers and logic, of what I can't see immediately. I looked around and nobody was like me. Everyone has got something to do, has their lives, at least for that 2 hours all figured out...everyone but me. I don't know what exactly happened but it happened as soon as I flipped open the paper and all I see and felt was coldness and pain. I hate me! I will fail that next paper again and I am so scared...and helpless...and nobody can help me.