What Wishfulness...

I wish that first night with e n n a e J never ended..I wish I know where things went wrong and fix it right. It was something I said, I swear or something she misunderstood but kept it. Way to go with the fucking up, Ashleige Tara. You aren't even breaking a sweat now.

I'm drawing blood and cutting skin through a sharp mould to be who she wanted me to be. What she assumed she sees...I can't blame her, I'm sure for I wanted to be that same thing. In her eyes, she shall see light and only light. And it's high time I hide, to go back into the bloody darkness, where I revel. But there is nothing I could do to take me back to before, before I met her. Before I feel her. Before my desires and yearns...

I see her running away from me now, putting greater distance between us as she moves. Like in my dream, she's moving away, faster now, the blurry water color painting in my poor head is never taking shape. I would never break this cycle. I would never learn. I hope she hears this. Manifestations of my confusion, and my helplessness and my careful tip toeing around her. Careful now, don't break me. I am fragile from all the death and coming back and cold cruel honesty. Don't know if I can deal now.

A brush and a tiny stirring in my soul has resulted in all these words. Why am I still here?

Reasons, practicality and deliberate ignorance, these defences will soon cease effective protection. She will have nowhere to run but back to her 'contentment'. Disappointments...would leave a bloody trail, leading straight from my heart but that trail too, shall end in time. And all will be done. No pain, only silence.