I just wanna say something right here, right now. I just want to me to be happy about stuff that nobody is. 6 fucking years ago, I fucking died and nobody in hell fucking cares and gives a shit and it fucking upsets me. Everyone is still fucking telling me that I have to be with a fucking man who fucks me and doesn't remotely and necessarily know the meaning of love and respect and sensitivity and what else that I fucking align myself with. All I am is me. I have got a name I'm still fucking trying to figure out. I am not sure if Ashley or Alexandria would cut it but you know, I already know what you guys fucking thinks. I can't tell my mother who I am. It is fucking eating me up and you know what guys, I don't fucking deserve this. I am only who you are, and perhaps better o....or lesser I don't care. I wanna fucking date and fucking fuck with that one person I love and spend my life with her. I don't need a marriage certificate. Hell, I might even pass on the whole ceremony and flowers and beaches and nice gowns.
I am just so fucking tired and I just wanna see how many I could use the word 'fuck' because it's apparently the only fucking entertainment I've got on my fucking hand and it's really fun. So sue me if you must but I think everyone should really fucking see things from my fucking perspective. Through my weary bloodshot eyes, you will see this life.
My dearest love,
I have wrote to you in my brain sitting in my father's car. It was beyond my capacity to think, so early in the morning and sitting with a man I don't quite know. I was looking across a huge body of water and staring at it, my emotions surged. I could see where my mother has spent her childhood, miserable and perhaps very happy too. It struck me as the most gorgeous place to be. We could really just be sitting down against the steel barricade things with one another and not speak. I could lose myself in your blue eyes and watched intently as stories unfold like water to quench a person's perpetual thirst. And I have not drunk since. To remember the colors and to have them etched into our memories when the sun rises and sets, how the rays matched the dark, almost black water somehow. It wouldn't quite make sense I'll grant you but it's beautiful and I think that counts for a lot.
Baby, you do understand that without you, even good ol' heaven pales in comparison and I will definitely burn in hell for wanting you so much I am not feeling anything for anything now. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible for me to be overly escstatic about something or be really upset about something because I am an asshole. And a selfish one at that so...please don't bring it down on me.
Everyday I would wake up and I will not see your face. I am no longer in your bed, the kinda squeaky one yes, and I don't have my hand in your pants, not that we actually had the chance...still. We so have to kiss, girl...
You know, maybe that's what it is; that I am denied of all things good because I 've done something so wrong and terrible. I am not motivated and I suck at pretty much everything you can think about. I am so god damn indecisive at times and sometimes I actually lie. Forgive me please, whoever you are, if you are out there. I didn't mean what I do and say. I just want things to be ok, and my way.
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