J July 28 2008

J was her name
That's all I needed and what a gorgeous name
There are things I've yet to understand
There are things I'll learn to grasp
Who is she really?
A rose in the rain?
A word in my lullaby
Or is she the woman in my dream, a blurry watercolor painting?
I don't know yet
Wouldn't have the answer until later
For now, I'll sit still
And watch her...

I hear her now, in the dark
Her voice, her sincerity
If it wasn't for her
I don't know how I've gotten so far today
Life is a flame burnt anew
Life is a path with fresh budding flowers along its edges
And life is about embarking on a self-discovery journey
With you, my guide, my light
You, my mentor and latest find

I saw clean lines
And I saw my footprints, hesitating to move forward because I know i'll die
I'm terrified, yet all along willingly on this ride
Where is she going to take me?
Where am I taking her?

What have I been doing?
What shouldn't I have done and said?
She's one hell of a tricky mystery
I'm not ready to unravel
But I am not a fking idiot either
I am just an ordinary girl who knows nothing outside of her world
I am only someone with words and with them, paint an universe

Have I hurt her?
Have I used words I shouldn't?
Have I gone so bizarrely out of my mind when I think about her?

I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable

I saw the color of your eyes today
And I heard your laughter with my own ears
It was music, it was real
You are indeed as practical as you said you were, all mapped out.

While all I had are words
And words and languages are cold
I've been hurt before, everyone has been before
But this is all I have and can give

I taste your comfort in my mouth now
You taught me well
It sets my heart on a rhythmic rhythm even at 170

You are ever swiftly moving, evasive about most everything
I can't get close, you know but I wouldn't push
You needed faith so it will all come at its own time

Maybe that first night would return to fill my heart with joy
Maybe I'll have the pleasure again to listen to your voice
Maybe
Maybe it's already forever lost.

Your words bounded me
lead me to believe
and compel me to forget everything we have shared.
Is this fair? I don't ask
Do I want more? Sure I do.
Will you give me it? I seriously doubt so.

The third day. That's all it takes.

I now watched with easy gratitude, flowers blooming.
Such fragile comfort...
The rain might come at times, and erosions too
But I suppose the will to wanna make things work prevailed and brought life
Mundane.