Twenty08 for Real

Dear Quiet World and Beloved Love,
It's 10 to 1am when I started this entry. Everyone's out there having fun, being with the people they love, just coming down from a high of embracing a new year. It's actually twenty08, can anyone like believe that? I mean, I've been here on this Earth, a part of this mortality coil for 22 wicked years. Why do you think that is?

I'm not celebrating or doing any of the countdown thing, obviously, even if I had a television. I'm not like that. I don't like crowds; I specially enjoy the comfort of my chair and sitting in front of the computer burning my eye sockets and brain away, working on some proposals that I have been procrastinating. The only major countdown that I was remotely a part of was for Millenium and that is like what, 8 years ago?

Everything I do, I do alone, so the fun's all burnt out. It's no more life when it's without Tara. I will say that even if you would point a gun at me. I might even actually for a spilt second welcome it. Everyone around me just wants me to move on, to liking guys, to being heterosexual, to getting married and giving birth the right way. I appreciate it, truly but it's not going to happen anytime soon, guys.

Lord J was supposed to be this ever-forgiving sunshine guy, as long as the child showed true repentence for whatever wrongs he/she did and possessed a desire to spread good. My brother and a couple of good friends think I will burn in hell, maybe I'll make that my new year resolution - note to self: stray from hell. Well, if I am going to burn in hell, make it a quick one.

May the Good in This World Spread like Wild Fire...Happy New Year, Kids

Chef/Chair?

I hate this, this whole getting stuck at a crossroad that is your life and with a whole shitload of baggages, mental and physical and without a fucking clue what to do to move on. I had a 2 weeks holiday from school and I took that opportunity to working in the kitchen at my first hotel, the Four Seasons Hotel, Singapore. Initially I was excitied and anticipative, the way I always seemed to start off by but by the end of the stint, which was officially today at 6pm, I'm left with questions that I do not have any fucking answers for.

I always know how inadequate I am, in terms of competencies, knowledge and skills about the culinary world. I am just playing whatever hands I'm dealt with by J himself. I know that if I wanna get a headstart, now's a good time for I have an endless stretch of road to be embarking on. During one of my Wine and Beverage tutorials, the tutor was shooting questions regarding the previous chapters and with most of us not having the answers for, you could see how despondent he was. And quickly with a rebut that I pretty much just shoot off from my mouth, I told him we'll be armed with whatever vital knowledge by the time we're his age. And as quickly, he found hope and I saw it reflected in his eyes. It's amazing what I can do.

I don't know if I'm on the right track, I don't know if i'm a chef by career and by life. I like to cook, I just don't like being told to cook, the way I don't write for competitions. I am still lacking in my fundamentals and I really need the whole 'practice makes perfect' biblical crap. I am willing to do it, I just need space. I didn't have a good time there at the hotel because I am still so new and well, incompetent. I kept getting into people's way and I can't get myself in the usual rthym for things to naturally happen and progress like I could in school. And that is one of those things that I couldn't get around and it haunts me. I wanted to be happy with what I do so I have to be good. Right now I am not happy nor in any way good. And that's when the thought of quitting culinary and getting into psychology came in majorly. It's almost as if a ram has ran into me and not by accident. I've been thinking about it for days and I am still looking at the cons and not weighing the pros as yet. My school is offering a Diploma in Pyschology and I took the fundamentals of pyschology at the end of my first year and I have loved it like a second nature. I was kinda mad when I realized the school was offering a new dipolma and by some wicked twist of fate, I would have been otherwise eligible and I could be doing what I really like. It's no longer 'I'm doing this because I have to', you know? And the cons weigh heavily on my frail heart.

Taking on a new semester meant retaking every bloody module I've so narrowly passed in my freshman years and I'm not looking forward to doing Economics, Marketing, and Fundamentals of Whatnots again. Right now where I stand, I'm left with until March where I would start my 5 month attachment and then be graduating in 2009. And I would be officially working then. I would then earn whatever I have to pay for my degree course in whatever it would be, or if that doesn't happen, I would working in a restaurant that is privately owned by some risk-taking individual who happened to have some dough to spare. I don't like dealing with corporate politics and degressions in ranks at international hotels or restaurants i've just worked at. If I am cooking, I am only cooking for pleasure, in monetary units and spiritual. And then I'll travel, take off into a new world I know nothing about.

On the other hand, I think I like pyschology and a lot. I'll get all researchy-mode to remember and understand all the theories and hypothesises and such. I'll talk to a person whose life's temporarily or permanently derailed in a chair. I really don't know. I hate to think I'm just feeling these shit because of a temporary setback...that I know I can overcome with time and
practice.

It shook me up badly when people would call me Chef Ashley, because I wouldn't have a clue if they are calling me.

Lots to Get Off Of

"When I was young and knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice now
I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of Valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says
We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken, sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say"

"因为还是会
窗前站好一会儿
月色明媚所以舍不得睡
不久前她还在我周围
寂寞的气味不去
在空气里头流动
这个房间闹哄哄一些时候
回忆有她多(就)生动
有时候觉得没什么不同
可能从来没忘过
那快乐生活
拥有比遗憾的事件来得多
有时候想放手向现实低头
以后就重新来过
却没有把握
因为还是会
有想她的一股冲动"

I once told a person that things, relationships between people do not break; they are merely changed. Everyone has been through break-ups, boyfriends/girlfriends/partners/group mates etc and some has been through what I would call the ultimate break up, a loved one separated by death and only kept alive through memories. And the two song lyrics kinda symbolized that and how I feel with what I feel and how I could deal with it. And I wish I am writing this with a heart that has felt calm.


I've got tons in my head that I needed to get out from so it is going to be long update. You don't have to read if you don't want to. I know nobody who reads about me.

The world lost Tara when I was like almost 16, now I'm 21. It has been only been 5 years or rather, it has ALREADY been 5 years, whichever way it's up to you to decide and who you ask. I was in my last year in high school obviously and I was a darn bad grader. I couldn't do any of my 9 subjects except for languages which I didn't have to put in effort for. Now I wish I have taken like Japanese or French or Italian then, since it looked like I've a knack for languages or something. Anyway, I couldn't tell you how I even got through those 4 years in school being so horribly inadequate. My self-confidence was at its lowest, and personally I looked nothing short of crap. And I didn't even know the term 'homosexual'. I was that ignorant but somehow happy with odd reasons. Some say their time in high school were their happiest, I can't say I felt the same. It's a never-ending nightmare that is still rearing its head once in a while.

Her name was Liesl Tara Oppenheim and it took me a while to remember and to spell. (I'm glad I finally got it :P) She's, obviously of some quite complicated heritage which I can never imagine and never got figured out but I think it's cool and pleasantly wonderful. Liesl's an Austrian name, that I learnt from watching the musical 'Sound of Music' and I can't decide if Oppenheim's a German last name but it is the name of a German city. But you know what, the name doesn't matter. I called her Tara because nobody knows exactly how to pronounce her other names correctly at first glance and that nobody being me, decided on the easiest one. Her friends called her Lis. The Britons would called her TA-RA while me being more of an American influence called her "TEAR-RA", which I think I loved more. She's born 16 October 1984 in Germany so she would have been 24 by now. She had a older brother with a goatee called so very uncharacteristically Donny which I think was short for Donald. It's so weird and darn comical. Who could live with the name Donald, I know I couldn't. Her mom passed away when she was 17 from brain cancer and life has been shit then on, what with her abusive father and crazy brother and a crazier clan of relatives. Tara was brought up brainwashed by her bastard of a father that all women in the family would be submissive and be at their absolute beck and call and that anything else like education was just plain redundant. And Tara bought the whole work indeed. The girl has got so much talent and good in her that that shit her men would feed her couldn't even dream to be on par.

Anyway, after her mother passed, by the way the only good soul in the entire tree, Tara applied for scholarship to leave Germany, or rather, to leave her family. I couldn't remember the details of the scholarship but it brought her to me or Singapore. She took Greek Art, Literature, Sociology, Psychology, Maths, a whole shitload lessons of English, and I didn't think she could ever succeed in Sciences but she was incredibly naturally talented when it came to remembering names of strange herbs and stuff which always seemed to be in ancient Latin. God knows where she found those information but she did, all right. She had this collection of jars and bottles filled with the most exotic plants and powders and whatnot. And she could never get me to remember their names and what they could do. But they were meant to do good, I don't know.

I would normally just tell people that I met Tara in school and that she's my senior and such because I didn't wanna have to explain the why and how and whatever. That how we met, of course doesn't matter. I can't quite frankly remember and that is my wrong. The part where she and I were still alive is fading away, and I have said umpteen times how frightening that is for me. I don't wanna forget but I can't remember either and it made me feel like a selfish person. If ever comes a day where I would forget about Tara, I would really just die.

There are times where I thought 'ok, she's died, I should move on because that's what normal people do' and many a time I would say to myself 'ok, we've talked this out, you've promised, there is no way you could ever go on without her and you know that in your very core.' I used to be really furious about finding out the why and how, about getting resolutions. Why she died was due simply to human means, which to me is as ironic as it can get but absolutely sense-ful as well. I don't know how to move on without light, without love, without guide, without feeling so much of the warmth of Tara at night. Her voice, the color of her intense blue eyes, her long honey blond hair which she inherited from her mother no doubt and her flawless pale skin and savory lips. I don't know how to deal with it. I am just this stupid. That deadly reliance is still in play today, and it is still hurting me badly, cutting me up like a loaf of bread and while I absolutely adore baguettes. All these years, I still don't know how to shake it away, to find my own direction and light to follow. I must have been born blind.

I can't sleep quite right at night, I stop smiling but I'm always happy for someone else, and I cry a shitload, (I don't anymore) and half the time, I don't know what I'm looking at. I wanted to escape, to break away but I was often just abandoned and left behind once people are done with me. I'm only left out to lick my own bleeding wounds and to find some way to stand and walk again...

I am born gay and would go on to die tattooed and still gay. A week ago, it struck me that I might be getting tattooed because it's a way to deal with insecurities and stuff that is life. It's always great to feel nice about yourself, to feel happy with choices you have made and crazy things you've said. It's not always nice when I don't feel that. I wanted to get tattoos when I was like 12 and way before and after that. I've always been seen with Ash-made masterpieces on my left hand because I'm a right-hander. And I only use this particular Pilot brand black ink pen. I think it's great. Getting tattoos isn't an impulsive thing for me. I believed in the various properties of tattoos as much as I know I'm gay. Tattoos help to deal, to heal, to move on, to remember things/people, to forget some other not so good things/people, an open statement that life can and should be darn well better and that you rock. There are of course people who are drunk and decided on a bad tattoo on a bad night out but I'm not like those people. I would never get myself drunk, much less get a horrible horrible tattoo. Walking on the streets with tattoos made me a walking exhibition and dartboard. People look and stare, people make remarks and ask silly questions just so they could make more remarks and it's so human. I enjoy being lavished with that kind of attention, even if the word seems such a big word, I think most tattooed people do. But sometimes, I'm tired of that kind of awkward attention and I would go out all covered up and just blend in with other non-tattooed people. It's less exhausting that way and since most of the time, I'm by myself on the streets.

Coming back to insecurities, I think having tattooed imbued me with some kind of superiority and that I'm different. And that actually compensated for some degree, my rock-bottom self-confidence. People might diss me for it, some people may think that it's great and whatever it is, I'm special. No one is going to take that away from me.

Perhaps

Been up the entire nightWondering if I would better off without you Just stay here with me, won't you? Lie to me just so I could feel the morning light beaming downStay the night just so I would sleep sound Restless days and nights I've walked aimlesslyTears in my eyes, without lightAnd I'm so tired, to my bones, I'm down on my broken knees, strippedAnd I don't know where else to go, what else to do anymoreStay here with me, darling just so I could breathe and singSpin me a story just so I would dance till the lights go outTake me along a bloody rideI can't be left behind
Maybe there is another life out thereMaybe we were together then and you not deadMaybe I've stopped living my life
It's like I can't breathe, It's like I'm blindI'm addicted to you, to your eyes, to your smile(I'm hooked on you I need a fix I can't take it Just one more hit I promise I can deal with it I'll handle it, quit it Just one more time, then that's it Just a little bit more to get me through this) And I've given up on this lifeWith no glory, with no beliefs
Perhaps another soul like you's out therePerhaps it's meant that I remained so lostPerhaps fate just wannna pull a fast one Perhaps, it wouldn't be so cold
I've been thinking if there is a reason for thisA rhyme to make good senseIf I've done something bad, if I'm never good enoughIf I should just vanish into thin air
Am I supposed to just get over this shit?Am I supposed to just forget and get it out of my head?I am just me...and you made me

Ha, Expectations.

[And I wanna believe you, When you tell me that it'll be ok, Ya I try to believe you, But I don't When you say that it's gonna be, It always turns out to be a different way, I try to believe you, Not today, today, today, today, today...I don't know how I'll feel,tomorrow, tomorrow, I don't know what to say,tomorrow, tomorrow Is a different day It's always been up to you,I t's turning around, It's up to me, I'm gonna do what I have to do, just don't Give me a little time, Leave me alone a little while, Maybe it's not too late, not today, today, today, today, today...I don't know how I'll feel, tomorrow, tomorrow, I don't know what to say, tomorrow, tomorrow Is a different day Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready, Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow And I wanna believe you, When you tell me that it'll be ok, Yeah I try to believe you, Not today, today, today, today, today...Tomorrow it may change]

It’s a funny thing really, expectations and beliefs that totally get to people and be that of a wicked wicked wreck. Growing up, I had a lot of expectations and beliefs. No doubt I still hold them true to my heart and stood firmly my ground but I've covered myself with self-inflicted wounds inflicted mostly by broken promises and these so-called wonderful expectations. All cut up inside because I didn't wanna give up. I just wanna feel alive but yet I've never felt more vulnerable in my life. And it is so so painful. I can't even put it in words (so obviously I took someone else's).

After years of just feeling numb, I now have a wonderful person E, constantly feeding me with huge unattainable dreams, at least by my standards and to believe in them. 'They may be unrealistic but they are still 'realize-able', if only you would believe in them.' Well, these dreams are only realistic because they are for you. I thought I found salvation. Lies, were the words she has spoken with such steely faith. Faith that is now burning fiery holes inside of me, rendering me ashes as I fall so swiftly from great heights. And she doesn't even have to try. Ain't it all pretty and gray? She has her own right to life and for some reasons, she brings people along with the ride. She just do, whether she knows it or not and right now, this tall, charming guy hailing all the way from Spain has fallen deeply under her spell. And don't get me wrong, I've got no complaints about that, it's their lives, no way near mine. I'm merely an audience who got suck into the whole shit.

With expectations comes even greater disappointments, that I've learnt so well. And while I'm not the only person in this world who has lost the light of their world and existence, I sure seemed to be the only idiot who can't snap out of it. Instead, all this pain and sorrow and grieving has become of the mainstay of who I am. If I were ever human, the wonderful bundle of pain is oxygen and blood. I might have actually invited the bundle to stay. I am neither genuinely happy nor devastated about anything. I have never found the reason to smile anymore but lots to cry about. I gave in into the enthralling allure of silence without a fight yet on a good day I sometimes cling to whatever light that was offered, a thread of hope. And E gave me that thread of hope. That of course meant she could leave me out to bleed in cold darkness whenever she feels like. That why I can never blame her.

If she decides to move to Spain, i'll let her. I'll even visit her.

Words are just such patronizing bullshit...

You tried to show me the good things in life
But you are also the one who took it away

Dear Fucking Santa...

I don't feel a fucking 100% right now.

So maybe a pre-Christmas wish list could do me some good.

I wish I could cry, even if I don't know why
I wish I could run, so far that even if I fall, even if I'm lost
I wish I could scream and shout and yell at everyone and anyone because I wanna
I want Tara alive and breathing in front of me, telling me it’s ok, that she’s back
I want to have tattoos all over my body because that's how I live
I want to be gay til' the day I die
And then I want the fucking world to fucking shut up about it
Can Santa do that for me?

Time Heals but Also Takes Away

These days I've been on a search, a lookout for certain things. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for but I know it's important. It could be a moment, a very short one to remind me of things, to remind me to feel things and say things, intelligent things.

I keep thinking that time is running out and that I'm not doing anything productive to justify that. Maybe it has something to do with my age, and what I've been through and is going through now. I want the good in things which I can't have, most of the time, I wasn't allowed. I don't even know what I'm writing about but I just feel like writing.

I wanted to write about her but there are things that are beginning to fade and I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid I wouldn't remember. And if I really forget, I forget. And I'll be alone. And she'll be gone. For good. I don't want her to go but I don't wanna be selfish. I can't talk about her to anyone because I can't. I have to get her back..

I shall never rush into the secret room

"I shall never rush into the secret room, not for her, and only because of her..."

It's a phrase taken from one of Shakespeare's works, I'm not quite sure which, was hardly the Literature person but I added a lil' more me in there. But anyway, the act of rushing into the secret room implied taking things in your own hands, committing suicide. And for a whole second some couple years ago, it felt like the only sensible thing to do. But I didn't. It was because of her that I quickly snapped out of it. I can't die, not because she did. I have to live, for the both of us, for what she believed in and wanted to do, for doing right for this cruel world.

I don't know how I got through or if I could continue. There were moments of good and not so good and really bad times. There were ways 've tried to express myself but only to futility. I would write long letters sending to an address long gone. I would imagine tracing the name of my dead lover with my finger on her tombstone and saying hi, sharing with her my day. I would smile, or cry and often say things no one gets. I could never stand another with the same name. And I would kill anyone who said I should just move on. I was stubborn and quite stupid I would say but no one's me. No one will ever go through what has happened in my shoes, as me. I know how tragedies struck everyone everyday, I know a mother who loses her kid to a drunk driver, I know shit. But no one has gotten to know her like I did and then feel her slowly slipping away in your arms. No one has to cry late at night, at a song, or while watching television, or be locking themselves in the darn toilet just so you could find a moment of peace and to vent. No one has to keep a secret and live life like nothing has happened.

Pain, it comes in huge doses and for free. For the swells of happiness I used to feel in my heart, I now trade for pain. It has become a part of me. And I think it's a good thing.

221186 - ??

Ok, so today's the day when I finally have to go out into the world and be like 'ok, I'm all grown, hit me, only not...'

I've always liked birthdays. Birth is a present thing, so it has to be a good thing. I used to have little parties when people I know and I didn't came and ate food and drank and laughed about something I'm quite certain isn't as amusing anymore. My mom would put me in dresses that I absolutely detested simply because the material was too annoying. But I smiled, I would, in most of the photos taken then. These days, I've stopped doing that and for whatever reasons.
As I got older, like 7 year old kinda older, people went away, my parents buried underneath work, obligations and insecurities and my own brother doing something entirely different on his own etc...birthday parties are the past.

I don't know if I like birthdays anymore. It gets so alone and it brings pain. It forces a reason or rather an obligation upon you to be happy and celebratory, even when you don't necessary feel like it. I'm not saying I wasn't happy that people remembered and that I actually received tangible gifts that I know I didn't deserve. I was elated, in ecstacy. Really. But something is terribly missing. And things will always be so, for as long as I live and she's not. I know, I know, people are going to be like 'oh come on, fucking shut up about her already, she's freaking dust but you're still here!"

For a long while, she wasn't the first and last thing on my mind, which I guess an indication of my still intact. sane and sound mind. At first, I felt guilt and then sort of a relief; that things could still be ok. Yeah, it was exactly how I felt, that I'm getting better, moving on to wherever. School was doing an excellent job at keeping my mind off things, it still is, with tests and projects and whatnots. As a matter of fact, I should be sleeping right about now for a test in the morning which I'm sure half the class might fail. And then when I had to write something about today (22 Nov, Thursday), I saw her face again. I didn't lose her, I'm glad. I didn't kill her.

It wasn't the most pleasant half a day. It was the first day of operation, 42 pax and as the captain, i've made an absolutely stupid mistake and it implicated the whole of the restaurant and I was terribly apologetic about it and if guilt were a tangible thing, I would have been crushed to death. But I did so much better on Friday albiet rooms for improvement so I think it's a good thing...I would continue to do better, I promise.


Happy 21st to me.

let's Eavesdrop to God's Plans

It was said, that languages and words are created just so human beings could shed the burden of having to tell what's really they are feeling and wanted to say but can't or don't want to. When a person stops talking, that's when a conversation really begins, that's when a picture or rather body language paints a thousand muted words.

Human beings lie, human beings distract, human beings create, break and then mend with words but sometimes, shutting up says so much more. And sometimes, one should not speak anymore but do.

It might just change the world.

I'm sitting right here and now and I don't know what to do. I wanna do something, before time runs out, before my bones turn all gray and no one remembers my name. I have a proficiency test up and coming, and I can't be sure if I were prepared. We never really had a chance to practice and we never really had to be in that situation. But we will pass, because we had to and we will. Service Bootcamp actually made me wanna be in the kitchen, for good, like a long-term occupation for life kinda for good. Maybe it's the way I'll go.

I'm reading about Japanese Etiquette & Ethics in Business (the book's exact name) now for a project and it dawned on me just how long I've stopped reading anything. It is extremely uplifting for me to pull out a book which previously I have zero juice for and started reading, even if it's for school. Right now, I'm understanding. It's a good thing, especially when the psychological and romanji elements came into play. I'm understanding a particular race of human I never did before.

If I wanna write, I have got to reflect and read and experience things. I'm not, don't think so. I lead a boring life, that of a student who's not involved in anything except being stuck in early and sometimes rainy mornings in buses, a post-teenager girl who's nowhere near the passing chart of 'hey, i think you're pretty and really interesting, wanna fuck?', and subconsciously, adopting a 2nd or even 3rd personae whenever I'm placed in a different and often tedious situation. The Service Bootcamp is one such apt example. I wanna learn so bad I'm not anymore. I'm just filled with contempt at times, for myself, for the way things have to be. Am I just this worthless? How could I have lost all my common sense, all the answers? I knew the answers. I knew I know. I'm not stupid, I've got a brain, I've got conscience and I've got both hands.

I blacked out all the time, in classes, in life. I lose my concentration to something unknown and I've wanted to change it with sleep and attitude. What something I could do become something I can't. And I hated that. I hated that me. Where is my comfort zone? I don't know. Where is me, the better part of me? It's nowhere to be seen, nowhere to be located and keep.

My 21st is coming and all I wish for is that I'd wake up from this life, to perk with excitment and anticipation. I'd not make mistakes again. I'd try to keep everyone happy with sincere love, with my jokes and sarcasm. And maybe I will find someone, among the stars, in the crowds, to love me before my time's up. And I'll die for her. I want a fresh start is all. Will anyone grant me that?

So far, I'm never quite prespicuous but I've worked with that. I'll repeat myself as many times as it'd take. And I think the people are secretly glad I'm bilingual. When I'm only talking to me, it was so easy. I might have a problem, otherwise. I love people, I've moved out of isolation but I'm not mingling with the right people enough. I'm not mingling period. See why I needed a birthday wish now?

Lost and Delirious. I enjoy the ring of it, somewhat of reality, somewhat contradicting and somewhat dangerously dark that can be so luring and engross-y.

LostandDelirious,thelatestfilmI'vewatchedtookmeacoupleofdays. Andmyverdictwasanextremelypositiveone. Icouldalmosttasteit. Thepainandwhy. Andofcourse,criedaboutandforit. I'llgotosleepwhenmidnightstrikeandbepissedaboutitbecauseIwannafinishwatchingthefilmandIcouldn'tforsimplereasons. Ireadabitaboutit,possiblywrittenbyafanwhoreallyreallyknewwhatshe'swritingaboutandsothankGodforthatbeforeIactuallycaughtit. IwasgladIunderstoodtheplotanddirectionandthenot-so-lovelybut strangelytheonlywaytogokindaendingofthefilm. IthinkI'vealwayswantedtowatchit. Ijustneverdid.

'Shall I abide in this DULL world which in THY absence is no better than a sty?
I'd fight for you with blood in my veins, my Queen, with air I breathe, and words I'd say, when eyes of blue meets green.
I’d call upon my soul within this crimson confine of glass; I’d call upon anything just so thy remains mine.
Your life is mine as mine is yours… So don’t leave.
Not this moment, not me.
Not out of my would-be-wrecked life if you leave, not for one second, I’d even lie.

I’ll keep thee, in safety, in light
I’ll keep thee brimming, with love for life
There are so little I could say and do to describe what I feel for you,
With so much wrong I’ll hate to undo, with roads and paths this arduous
With just your voice in my ear; your wish shall be my command
So shall thy death be my demise.'

I'vebeensober,ifIsaidsomyself. Notsomuchpainandyearning, notsomuchsleeplessnightsandcrying. I'mproudactually. Iunderstoodwhy. Whyithadtoend,whyithadtoendthewayitdid,wheresomeonehastosaynoandbreakheartsandkissforthatlasttime, wheresomeoneleapsoverabuildingafterdeclaringherloveandlookingatherex-loverforthelasttime. Itmadesense. Loveis. Itjustis.

"Paulie, listen to me ok? because I'm gonna say this once and never, ever again. I will never love anybody the way I love you. Never! You know that, and I know that, and I will die knowing that, ok? But it just can never, it just can never, ever, forever be. Do you understand? It just can never, ever, forever be..."

Embarkement

Ok, it has been a long long while now and I thought it's time changes come into play. Believe it or otherwise, this is the 5th time I'm trying to update my blog and I hope something good would come out of it. I had to satiate the burning desire inside of me to write somehow.

The first couple weeks of the new semester has started and ended. I am officially going into the last semester of my junior year in TP as a Culinary and Catering student and you can give me money and free tattoos and still I wouldn't believe how fast time has actually passed. I still have no clue why I'm even part of this whole adventurous and downright fucked up but merticulously planned plot of churning the cream of the crop of the absolutely booming hospitality and tourism industries that are going to last for God knows how long. I'm already working towards my end of the 2nd semester of my 2nd year and next semester, it's but the 3 to 4 months SIP (There are already 3 overseas companies expressing their interests in us!) and it's good bye to poly life. And it's high chance I'll go right back to that particularly hazy crossroad that I had been 4 years ago, having to make the right choice for my future, where to go, where else to be, what else to get my hands dirty for and if I afford to. I mean, I still think I'm that worried 18 year old kid who wouldn't stand a chance to go to a polytechnic because it was just so damn unpredictable then. Now I'm on my merry path ending exactly that journey and hopefully a new exciting one would commence.

I've been trying and learning to adapt and that including sleeping in a little bit earlier. Well, for one thing, a good 8 to 10 hours of sleep quickens the metabolism rate and makes me look thinner and two, it takes me like 2 hours just to fall asleep. This semester, unlike the last, I'm no longer a chef. I am but a staff who needs authorization to enter the kitchens. I am now the headwaiter, assistant headwaiter, captain, bartender, waiter, runner, cashier and the steward for a 80-pax/cover casual café and a 69-pax/cover formal dining restaurant 2 days out of 5. And on top of that, I had to think in a triangle; as the Boss of the restaurant who just wanna cut losses and make profit, the Staff who is just surviving, getting along and the Patrons who wanna have a good time because apparently they had money. I would literally be running the 2 outlets on my own. That's hardly even register. Nonetheless I was freaked out and tired out. There are so many things my fingertips and brain have to hold and yes, literally. I have a near-broken last finger on my left because we have to hold everything with our left hands. You name it, we hold it. And like most people on the planet, I'm a right-hander and I have often neglected my left. We will be having 2 proficiency tests next week and the week or weeks after respectively and I don't think I'm prepared. I hope I am then. I'll get through this. I have to, I'm designed to.

And not forgetting I'm taking Accounting. Again and again and again and again, because I took it for 4 years. For the last 4 years, I have taken the subject in 2 different schools and I've managed to get a C in my last year simply because I had to. I wouldn't be able to graduate if otherwise. Right now, I'm starting a new slate. I wouldn't know anything about Accounts except for the 4 Accounting Assumptions and Balance Sheet because those were what I've learnt so far in 2 lectures. The pretending came like a breeze; I didn't even have to try. The other subject include Wine and Beverages which got the attention of a couple real affluent entrepreneurs offering scholarships. One of them being a Mr. Keith Mugford of Moss Wood Vineyard, Margaret River, Western Australia. The Aussie flew here and gave us a sensory workshop which is extremely rare and a honored experience according to our moody lecturer. We tasted his wines, white and red all of at least of a 5 years vintage and using our senses, scored them according to its color, its aroma, and the palate. Those bottles of wines are really of some quality, a bottle easily costing S$135. Maybe it was really an honor. Someone so experienced this willing and enthusiatic to share and all expenses paid for the lucky 2 who gets the scholarship. Spending 2 to 3 weeks just being where it all would start and perhaps ends although hearing that we would be spending that amout of time with the lecturer I've just mentioned probably just kill it. Everyone's less enthusiatic and driven somehow. I wonder why :P.

I've jotted some recipes and I really hope I'll get to try them out somehow because God, do I miss being in the kitchens or what?! Perhaps I could give you guys the recipes.

Ok. I've written, all right. And I didn't expect it to turn out the way it did. It has been all about school which I've portrayed in an almost perfectly positive light. Rare, some would say. Rare indeed.

To Be or Not To Be?

Wow, overwhelming couple of days and nights. I just had what I would think was the longest and hardest conversation with my brother. My only brother is Christian, having accepted God into his life and heart some 3 years ago. And a minute ago, he was trying his hardest to convince me to do the same; to pray in forgiveness with him for I have sinned, to join him under the wing of the Lord and be granted eternity life up in heaven with him. I had to say no. I had to break up the party. My brother told me that if I said yes, it would be the happiest night of his life and that of those angels up above. There is supposedly going to be a party because one soul that is me has escaped the clutches of dear Satan and into the arms of Lord J. A huge huge part of me had wanted to say yes, because it made my brother happy. And then a larger part of me realized that if I said yes, I would be the world's greatest liar and I've always been an advocate of honesty.

My brother told me he knew I was gay and I was no longer trying to hide my tattoos. (My mom still thinks it's just a sticker :P and I'm not complaining). And yesterday I was brought to the Accident and Emergency Department of the nearest hospital because well, the doctors still couldn't tell me what's wrong with me 'cept I had a heartbeat faster than most people. I was put on the IV drip and now I know how much it hurt. I have bruisings on both my hands from the drip and blood tests as I typed now. I also went through 1 X-ray screening and 2 ECGs, like a heart scan to check your heartbeat. It was uncomfortable lying on the bed and I scratched my thigh pretty badly against the sharp corner of the clipped file beside my bed when I tried to get off to go to the ladies. The doctor could only refer me to a cardiologist and the appointment is set this coming Wednesday. We'll see what happens. I'm kinda tired from spending every weekend the past month at the doctors just so they could tell me they don't know what's wrong with me. And of course, the money spent out of own pocket. Anyway, my brother got news and he and his chapel mates got together and sent out a prayer to God for me. They prayed with all their hearts that God will be there with me and for me by my bedside and that I survived. My brother realized that it's time I join him, to find meaning in my life, to ask for forgiveness, to have a chance to convince others to do the same, etc. I can't. I was really touched.

It was the first time in 17 years he sat me down, and in his hand, the bible and in his heart, an open door that welcomed God. He was willing to spend time with me to help me out of this apparently one-way road to destruction. I never would have asked anything like that from him. We were never close, I was always jealous of him because my parents were proud of him. He was the better looking one and well, very much straight and healthly. And tonight, he posed me the most difficult 'to be or not to be'. I couldn't deny him only for the fact that he is my blood brother and he meant well. But I have to deny him because of who I am. I am gay and tattooed and I've violated 2 of God's not-to-do. My brother even read me the lines or whatever you called it from the bible to let me know my mistakes. He knows, he actually knows. All these years, I've tried to hide it, hide who I am from him, my only family. My parents don't know yet and I could only imagine their reactions.

I don't know if things will ever be the same. I know I'm heading straight to hell and be tortured for the rest of all eternity just because I'm honest and being myself. I could have easily said yes and tonight would mark my salvation. I really don't know. I love my brother and if whatever he said was true, I've just lost that right.

"I wish I'll die tonight so I'll be freed from tomorrow
Of all pain and sorrow, from words and judgement of God's
I hate to think I'm meant to die for who I am, of what I feel
Why? Why give me life when you just want me to lie?
I'll really have an easier time to just die
Everyone will get on just fine
And Time shall just heal things right
Why, a fiery death, an eternity of hell and torment?
What have I done wrong?
The only time it felt right was the only time I didn't breathe and it was the only truth.
I had quiet and peace.
Silence and ease.
And no more pain, and no more."

Jinxed with a capital J

Ok, so I started the fucking day on a fucking bad note. But this one comes with a disclaimer so here goes. When I was writing this entry in my cell phone, I was just fucked up, exhausted and sick. When I finally got home and post it up here, I'm just fucked and sick. So...I knew disclaimers have their worth. But of course, pardon the language. This is just me. Or rather Was.

First I had to wake up 6.20 am for work while everyone goes away to celebrate, then I had to be a fucking idiot who dropped her cell on the the darn fucking road, completed with asphalt, carbon and stones and whatever they throw in to make roads. And I might have really lost the soft outer layer of the left side of my earpiece for good when the cell tangled and hit the ground. Oh My Fucking God! I've not been able to listen to my mp3 player either because the fucking headphones died on me weeks ago. Music was and still is the only non-judgemental-y salvation and now I'm left with nothing. And I also realized I can't make nor answer phone calls. Something has absolutely gone busted in the little gadget. While I've literally turned into an unpredictable land mine and totally pissed at the universe, I still had to go through 12 hours of whatever crap at work. The world and its little equally fucked up people are pitting against me. Hell, I AM pitting against myself, for that matter. Being broke, finding the absolutely fucked up job for the month, met and worked with some of the worst people, the darn pain-inflicting wisdom tooth and my glorious health condition I'm tryin' to salvage with vitamins and herbs the doctors prescribed. I still have to make appointments with specialists which I know for a fact I would have neither time and money for. I know I've just been a lousy person these days full of grudges and feeling just deprived. But I'm sure the less deprived me will come back in no time. Till then, whoever reads my entries has to bear with me. I'm really sorry.

I always assumed that I can be kind and generous about almost everything like allowing my fucked up self to do whatever stupid things I've done and whatever happened with the cell. I'm just really exhausted, you know. I know I've made some really stupid mistakes, the road along my life this far. I'm digging my own grave. Well, at least I didn't do things that would guarantee me a certain death, like cigarettes and drugs and fucking strangers. Ah, comfort....

2 nights ago, I was waiting for my dad near the train station and there was my high school, just sitting there quietly in the dark of night for as long as I knew it had been. I've not gone back to visit 2, 3 years now and as I stood there, looking at its trademark blues and white exterior, I felt the weight of memories heavy on my heart. It wasn't something I was looking for and it got so heavy I had to sit down. One thing I've noticed was a color pattern - blue. Tara had the most gorgeous stories-telling eyes of azure, the color of the long sleeved shirt she died in and how blue was always my favorite comfort color. I felt the literal surge of colors and emotions and memories that has hitched a ride into me. I am living in a place I had 5 years ago, the high school and those who vaguely knew Tara are still alive...etc. I'm still living where I was, albiet going through different experiences, fighting different battles. Am I even here anymore?

Ever strike you how some people are there to offer you the world and how some just wanna take it away from you? We are really just talking about random incidents that have happened to me and well, if you counted God in. Ha! But it's difficult talking about some guy who's rather non-existent and I'm hardly ever friends with. You can't say aloud that things in your life were going perfect because that's when you jinxed it and The Powers That Be hear you and they go out of their way to completely wreck your life, turn it inside out and yes, pun intended, it's exactly how i feel like. Just read on. I mean, it's not a secret that everyone has a jealous streak, especially that guy who lives above with the stars. I was just reminded. Just when I thought my cardio and digestive conditions have taken a laying low strategy, they came back full strength, with a vengeance. It could very well been the lunch, I don't know. I spent the day and now night pretty much feeling ultra-nauseous and breathless. The perfect ending to a fucked up day I ventured.

"Problems are like the volcanic mountains in the far distant.
You see them, you know they are coming.
But they might just always be sitting in that far distant.
So don't sweat it.
Walk in light steps your destiny and find whatever you need.
Let things unfold and work their senseless logic at their own pace
No need to fret."

See, even I can come up with something a little of the more sunny variety. Changes, I appreciated them. Countdown 4 days.

"It's purely a coincidence,

If otherwise an accident, a mix-up

Nothing to worry about

Everyone's bound to err, right?

I made them that way.

So I had to make you gay." - God's words to me

Finding and Fucking

Maybe I'll learn to fly
Out of this place, out of me and my head
Perhaps I'll dive
So I'll learn how not to die, without a smile
Or, I could just walk away with my legs, they're all I've got
Away from it all, away from what's Life
Healing is about Living and Lying
Living is Finding and Fucking
So as long as you're lucky
You should find whatever it is.

Countdown to 17th of October, I would seriously open a bottle of champagne or something on that particulary day or rather late evening or I could just be too tired to even get up to say hi. It'd be a Wednesday, it'd be the last day. It'd be euphoric.

I've seen the draft but it's incomplete so we'll see. It's a little bigger than my palm and it's going to be on my right side where the TARA tattoo already is. He's combining the 2 together to make them look like 1 which I hope it looks great cause I just love the TARA tattoo so darn much! This would be a gift to myself, considering I'd be 21 soon. Ha, the perfect excuse. But of course, I was giving it away; whoever knew me knew I would get a tattoo with or without an excuse.

And also I'm doing something. I would posting stuff, like writings mostly. It just helps pass the time, you know. Feel free to comment.

"Fortune Favors The Brave"

I was so depressed I killed Patience
Stuck in a place I rarely got out of
Stuck in a vicious cycle that is myself and the world
I held on to my end of the bargain but it wasn't enough
No, it was never enough
I did what I did. Faith, Love and honesty but each time I fell harder than before
Why, I'd ask but no answer. No Light
I'm just back to square one but I'm not back

I just wanna be Ash again. Me. Human.
We should have been forever, girl
We were inseparable
But God, HE was so jealous
HE had to personally write my end
Tore me slowly apart, and forget to put me back
So I'm off the beaten path
Just waiting for hell
Till then, denial.

Where are you now?
Are you well and free, even better when you were with me?
I sure as hell wish you were, lover
Is it all light fluffy clouds and heavy golden harps with a bird eye's view of your past, my present?
I wish you'd smile.

Well, I've not been updating like a good girl for a couple of days now. I could start with my glorious health condition. It's a little complicated, I'm no doctor so let's see if I could make it easier. The doctor said it has been a viral infection when I was really really little, like when I was 7 or something. And it wasn't dealt with but if it did, it has been a terribly slow process. My immune system is currently under siege so the doctor hooked me up on vitamins and chinese herbs and stuff to build up my immune system again. It's the only way to fight viruses so we'll see. And also she told me i have to get myself back on the right track before I turn 25 because then, it would be very difficult to get my health back. And it's 4 Novembers from now. She also suggested massaging certain acupoints of my body so I could breathe a little easier. I could sleep better, I could concentrate better and not be under the impression that I suffer ADD and whatnots. But I wasn't really doing the massages so like I said, we'll see.

I'm left with a week at work and that made me really happy. It meant a sort of victory and perserverance for me although I was just full of crap and shit when I get home, complaining about virtually everything. The 2nd job dropped me so I'm not very happy about that. I need to look for another really really extremely flexible part time job to fit into my school schedule. And I don't know what I'm looking for, for someone who needs so much of rest and personal time for things to sink, it's just best not to work. At All. But I can't, I don't think. These days at work, I try to write, bits and pieces of lines here and there on little pieces of rough paper. I wish I could play the guitar or something so I could put these lines to good use, like write them into songs.

I'm thinking of getting a new mp3 player when I can. The one that I have now, well, it'd be made to work a little bit harder. A friend of mine has gotten herself attached to an old acquaintance she coincidently bumped into a month ago. I think she referred to her as a stepping stone. Hmm, a very cruel but real phrase to use and rather apt, 'stepping stone'. I could never just get a 'stepping stone' although, truth be told, I wouldn't mind not being single now. But no thank you.

Sometimes the world doesn't make a fucking sense
With no rhyme nor reason, no less.
After a while, you accept it and you'd learn to deal
After a while, you said, "what the hell, screw it! It hurts my brain!"
And so the pain never goes away
It stays to sting
It stays to bring
You to a new level, and often with tears
Abusing and violating its visitation rights, late at night, just when you wish you'd sleep

An emotional outburst at times
A relevation and a given chance
Living takes guts and blood
Living in reality after death takes courage and time
And I don't have any.
I had to hide, I have gotten lie, just to keep myself alive
This is my life, this is who I am
She was my life, she made me who I am

I kind of don't give a fuck if I ever heal
But what if I just want to feel her warm hands on my cheeks, her ruby luscious lips on my lips?
What if I just want us to last, and time to halt?
What if I just wanna heal?

I won't give her up if this is what it is
You gave her me, and you took her me
You gave me life and air but took her quicker than I could say
And you want me to say it's cool, I'll deal. I'll just get on on my merry way
Good God! You've got to be pulling my leg!

I've lived and survived,
Bleed and got on by
With reality and life
But I am still hardly alive...

Evanescence - My Immortal (Band Version)
Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You (Spirit Room CD Version)
Pink - Who Knew

You took my handYou showed me howYou promised me you'd be aroundUh huhThat's rightI took your wordsAnd I believedIn everythingYou said to meYeah huhThat's rightIf someone said three years from nowYou'd be long goneI'd stand up and punch them upCause they're all wrongI know betterCause you said foreverAnd everWho knewRemember when we were such foolsAnd so convinced and just too coolOh noNo noI wish I could touch you againI wish I could still call you friendI'd give anythingWhen someone said count your blessings nowFor they're long goneI guess I just didn't know howI was all wrongThey knew betterStill you said foreverAnd everWho knewYeah yeahI'll keep you locked in my headUntil we meet againUntil weUntil we meet againAnd I won't forget you my friendWhat happenedIf someone said three years from nowYou'd be long goneI'd stand up and punch them outCause they're all wrong andThat last kissI'll cherishUntil we meet againAnd time makesIt harderI wish I could rememberBut I keepYour memoryYou visit me in my sleepMy darlingWho knewMy darlingMy darlingWho knewMy darlingI miss youMy darlingWho knew

Of all the things I've believed inI just want to get it over withTears form behind my eyesBut I do not cryCounting the days that pass me byI've been searching deep down in my soulWords that I'm hearing are starting to get oldIt feels like I'm starting all over againThe last three years were just pretendAnd I said,Goodbye to youGoodbye to everything I thought I knewYou were the one I lovedThe one thing that I tried to hold on toThe one thing that I tried to hold on toI still get lost in your eyesAnd it seems that I can't live a day without youClosing my eyes and you chase my thoughts awayTo a place where I am blinded by the lightBut it's not right[Chorus]And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same timeI want what's yours and I want what's mineI want youBut I'm not giving in this timeAnd when the stars fallI will lie awakeYou're my shooting star

Feelings & Machines

It's frightening to see fatigue and frustration evolving into temporary elation, dread and helplessness in matter of hours. And also frightening on the count that it's me who's going through the shit every fucking day.

Every day at work, I'm trying to do something different and slower so I could at least catch a glimpse of time crawling by. I'm not usually like this, at work or in school. I'm always almost eager to wanna do something. But working for 12 fucking hours, 6 days a week, can and has taken its fucking toil. I am just so tired and so pressed for personal time and privacy that I'm not looking forward to anything but sleep and I'm not even getting any!! I wanna get out of this cycle where I curse and complain and wanting my own personal time to stop so I'll live it over and over again. I'm simply not spending time wisely or at least the way I would have wanted it spent. I want the three weeks to go. The relevation 'living is sounding like hard work' is sinking in and weighing me down.

I'm depressed everyday. I wore the same clothes and I've prematurely outworn my new shoes which have been a personal favorite since its collection a few months ago. And I'm eating dinner 9 every night. That is just unhealthy. And I have to prioritize stuff I didn't have to a month ago. Plus there are those weird guys with their smiles and attention, one of them being my colleague. I'm just so glad we're not of the same shift so far. But he got me into thinking about PDA cell phones because they are just such versatile and wonderful things. I'm really digging the Microsoft Word application and the huge screen for my videos and if I could get Internet connection running with a 3G sim card, I'll have MSN on the go!! How awesome is that? This guy could get the phones at relatively low price...he just got one for his daughter today...but we'll see.

For people who knew me, and know that I'm working 2 jobs, probably figured it out. Oh yeah, another tattoo to my collection. Girl has got to feed her passion somehow. Right now, I'm just waiting for The call to tell me that the draft is done and if I'm happy with it, we could get on with it. It's like the first time. It is not the wisest way to be spending money, even I could tell you that but it's not everyday that you could fulfill a want. My passion for tattoos brought with it problems. To feed it, I have to keep a job for a steady income and that's what I'm trying to do now, juggling 2 jobs. I pray they would take me in even after they don't need extra helpers for the sale anymore. Fingers crossed. And school is going to be such a bitch. Just to add on, I can't wait to leave that other job. I know I've said it and cursed it a thousand times since I got it a week ago but that's only because it's true. I'll stop if it's not. The people there are generally nice, so that's a good thing. Huh.

I'm trying to get back on writing but I've got zero juice. I don't have a specific way to write, to start and to end. I just knew I wanted it good. Once in a while, a potentially great and worthy scenerio would pop in my head, and I'll kill if I could just happen to find stationery and large spaces on white papers, preferrably with lines lying around and that I have time. My colleague suggested I bring the laptop to work so I don't have update my blog on a damn piece of recycled paper and then copy it when I get home. It would have been super cool if I'm allowed and a great Internet connection running.

Avril Lavigne - Innocence, When You're Gone
James Morrison - One Last Chance, Pieces Don't Fit Anymore
Michelle Branch - Goodbye to You

永远不会有任何人能代替你

I've not cried for a long time now so the last couple of days, including last night had been a little overwhelming and very unexpected. But I've also believe it might have just easily been a bleeding-through from the last couple of days. It was my first day off after a week of working and God can only tell you how much I wanted time to stop so I'll keep having that day off.

Let's just break it down. I was listening to a song on Friday at work and tears were brimming. I'm just glad nobody saw it. On Saturday morning, I've spent a could-have-been more pleasant morning at the polyclinic and did my 4th blood test and the hormonal test results back and apparently my thypoid level was a little too high, whatever that meant. (I'm having difficulties between 'hormones' and 'hormonal'). While the doctor was incredibly grouchy, he could not figure out what's wrong with me. And for the first time in my life, the blood test thing hurt, badly and that's just weird to me. Anyway he did what other sound person probably would and referred me to specialists instead. I'm not sure if I'm swinging by though...And I think I know why he's just a doctor in a polyclinic instead of a specialist or something. Ok, I hate to be all judgemental-y but really, there is a good reason why that dude with the horrible accent doesn't belong with the big boys. I was referred to TTSH, and now the world knows, a race to 'save' my life officially begun.

Then there was the work, the 2nd one; hordes of people and no lunch until 6pm. My colleague thought I should join him and his girlfriend for dinner or rather dessert after work and it's a willing obligation. We talked a lot about stuff we didn't before like school, people, memorial tattoos and spilt tongues. And of course, it was the talk about memorial tattoos that triggered and snapped. Memorial tattoos are stuff of extreme pain and or pleasure that every individual feels differently about. Some people simply dissed it while curiosity and sympathy invoked in others. Every single night for the last few years, there is only one thing I wanted to do, and that is to kiss her. I mean, It's what I do but couldn't anymore. The emotional outburst was akin to that of a balloon, expanding and contracting in size in sync with my very own heartbeat which by the way, can be rather erratic on most occasions.

It's rather helpless and unexpected, albiet the signs and one of them being that of a company bus with the name 'Tara Technologies' written loud and clear. Now that's what I call cool!


星期六晚上
哪儿都不想去
也无法入睡
看着电视机
持续在发呆
喝了七分醉
闭上了眼睛
试着不想你
但已来不及
忘了如何让眼泪停止流下
还好没人看见， 没人会说话
星期六深夜
我想起了你
没什么特别， 只是回忆
你让我自由我很感激
星期六深夜
永远不会有任何人能代替你
这就是遗憾的滋味
陪着我形影不离
明天我会面带微笑
但无法忘记你

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDnORne35l8&feature=related

Perceptions Personalized

Humans are known to have a million perceptions about a million different things, paving a way to more 'in my humble opinion...' and 'no, you see, I beg to differ.'

Almost 21 years ago, I was born and 5 years ago, I died. A month ago, my semester ended and now I'm left with a month more to do whatever I can before school reopens again, namely working and working. There are other tons of things to do and time to pass. When I was fretting over unemployment only a week ago, I had to find a way to pass time and do something and there were the lovely Internet, and my parents' and friends' desperation for me to get a job. Now that I have a job or rather 2, (I'm still trying to work it out), I believe time has froze, at least for me. It's a selfish and very human perception in itself of course; perceiving entirely differently, if not opposite of the same matter. Time, abstract and heavily shrouded aids survival and accomplishments but time has also made living impatient.

2 out of 4 lifts at work broke down while the remaining 2 took a year to drop a level. The lobby where my desk was, instantly filled itself with people, and impatience taking a corporate form. Taking time out of a hectic schedule to wait for faulty machines was not part of the plan and naturally in an instant, time and efficency defined differently and negatively. And I sat watching and waiting, more impatient than anyone else for the clock to strike 8. As soon as I got home, showered and really sat down, time's an Olympic runner, its eyes on the time breaking record and pride. Sometimes I understood that one minute is actually a very very long time and sometimes I don't. Intriguing, isn't it, how the same thing could meant a different time every time.

While it took me nothing to forget the most trivial stuff like Tara's middle and last name and lunch, it took me a fucking long while to remember what I wanted to update on, only to not wanna write about it no more because it's simply someone else's deal and hardly mine and I just know too little to write anything smart about it. And you know me, I breathe only for irony. And of course the f word. Oh yeah, good times, people, good times.

To Adore Or Not To? That is the Question,

Ok, I couldn't, for the short and now ignorant life of me understand how people get by with a job that require them to do nothing for an entire length of 12 hours. I wish I know, considering I'm now, also stuck in the same plight. It's absolutely horrible, made my head hurt and reduced me a kid who suffered from a series of mental traumas. I know, I know, I have to stick with me and the job, however bad it is. No one needed the dough more than I do. More work needs to be done, a debt to return, a birthday gig I could do without...and my parents. I am broke even before I got the money and it never change.

You could never guess who came to me last night - J. Yeap, the ever charming prince of Spain, whom I now know a little bit more about. Last night, however short it was, made me heave a tiny sense of relief, only because I'm not the one he so very much ADORED. He likes that word a lot, used it whenever he could. It's like that word have turned salvation for him. It's something that helps him express stuff, I guess. And at the same time, I know how much he's doing to NOT be as aggressive as a man who so strongly believes that he has finally found The One but still, I was taken aback.

The One that he so adored, more than his own benefits, is one born with insatiated thirst for knowledge and freedom and much more. One only temporarily restrained by the invisible depths of imagination, vivid brain activity and a vigorously pounding heart of a human, it's an understatement to say she needs someone at least on par with her. Now I think I know why she thinks she couldn't be in a committed relationship. It was really selfishness but not the wrong kind. As far as I know, J wants to be that person, that person who no longer has a place to live but to stay, and dealing with impossible surges of emotions til' he became numb. J will do it for love. J will do it for life, his own and E's.

I don't really know a lot about him but he came across, in an instant, incredibly fragile and vulnerable and kinda stuck in a hole that he had willingly and very aggressively dug for himself. It's called Love. And if Love ever needed a fresh pair of cornea(s), this would be a perfect time. I worry about him a lot. He's doing too much not for himself, although it looks like it is on the superficial surface and I don't know, I wish he would have seen the whole thing differently...and who knows, things might just flow a little easier, and on everyone else.

S.H.E's Rendition of 情人, originally by Beyond
刘德华 - 爱如此神奇
Pink - Leave Me Alone
Stefanie Sun - E-Lover
王力宏 - 星期六的深夜

Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa. And It's For Real This Time.

I have a couple hours left. I am starting work for this security company starting tomorrow at 8am. Although technically, my day would start 5.30am every single morning for the next month. I'm never one to look forward to working, especially 12 hours of work, non-stop and alone. I don't know what I'll be looking at at work tomorrow. It could be a slack gig, like what the guy who interviewed me said, almost dismissively or it could be a challenging, time-fulfilled one. All I asked for is money and satisfaction and I'll bail. I know it's a lot to ask for but it's how anything starts for me, at least the satisfaction and the bailing part. Right now, I could use a little pick-me-up as Tara once told me.

She was just overwhelmed with fatigue from school stuff when she came home one day and without a word, she sat me down and looked into my eyes with hers, both hands on either side of my shoulders. I was getting antsy by the second but I kept my eyes with hers because I believe she's trying to tell me something. She just couldn't do it just yet. And then she spoke. "Baby, I think I need a little pick-me-up. " All I could say then was 'Huh, ok. What can I do?" "You're doing it." And then she smiled the brightest smile you wouldn't ask as much from someone who had just been slogging her guts over a dumb project and making home from a dull meeting at the school prefectorial board. I swore to God I fell in love with her all over again. "You're my pick-me-up, darling, all I need."

So right this minute, I too, demanded a pick-me-up. I wanna Want to go work, I wanna Want to be able to wanna do something like checking the building's temperature which strangely enough, is part of my job scope. I wanna Want to feel that I'm underpaid, which really I still think I am, because I've tried my best and done everything the way I could possibly manage. And then get ready for school. Tara's not here anymore so I'll be my own pick-me-up.

I'm sure I'll be updating my blog more often unless work is really just a slack gig and it's main agenda's to aggravate my already irreversible sleep deprivation problem.

Keep swinging by, people

Titles.

I did a little adjustment. I added appropriate and apt titles for each and every entry I've posted up so far. I think it's a committment. People and friends might not get the titles at all; what it meant and why but they didn't have to. Memories, of the past are things that prompted the titles. If you guys really wanna know, I'm not dead so please, feel free to ask. And I'll try to be patient.

Sometimes you do things, things you regret 12 minutes later. And when that happens, your head hurts and cursing became a relatively natural course of action. I have these feelings for a particular person, a girl person and this particular person, let's just call her Person.

So I met said person, almost 10 months ago and I can't, for the life of me, remember how but we did anyway. She wasn't the person I thought she would be. For starters, I didn't think I'll befriend someone who lives a zillion million miles away from Singapore. Person's so committed and driven it made Santa Claus blush redder than his coat. And she's like nobody I've ever met and it could have been the language barrier or it could have been the raw and usually bloody truth OR it could be what I wanted it to be even when it's hardly so. I love her, I think. Like a friend, like true family. And there is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

She made me the happiest person on Earth with just words, that may or may not come true while sometimes what she does, usually unintentionally gave me the VIP card and infinite vistation rights to Hell. I can't know if I like it or I don't. It's always a blurry water color, abstract with her. At times you thought you know what you are looking at, but most times, you don't see what your heart wants you to see. You chose denial, you choose trashing about it to a poor stranger 4 in the morning who didn't have any obligation to listen to you. You get upset or sad or something when Person talks about a particular someone who's not you. You blame yourself countless times for being childish but you do the same thing over and over again. Words hurt, words encourage, words bring people down and words replay like a bad song in your head. I hated the person I've become. I didn't know this side of me before and I'm putting my rational foot down and says this part of Ash is no good at all. I'll change, as hard as it is...and having this blog thing is not helping either.

It's Like The Stars.

I was done with my friend's blog and wow. It made mine so insignificant and childish. She talked about her day, and her opinions about stuff that was happening to her and around her, while I have a whole new different way to expressing what I feel, usually I just vent and complain and curse whenever I can. But I do believe that everyone's different and I think I love that!

This morning, I went for a job interview at the weirdest places. My mom called the guy a couple of days ago when I refused to wake up and she refused to shut up! She lied to the guy, telling him I have a couple more months to go before I go back to college which hello, when I was even a freaking college student and somehow my mom was convinced that i'll get at least $1,300 a month from working as a receptionist for the security company. It's just odd. Work officially starts on Monday and god, I have to wake up 6.30 in the freaking morning so I could squeeze with other people who suffered the same fate as I do in the train. And it's like almost 45 minute train ride alone. Hmm...something to ponder about. And then grumble. And if I really have to look at the bright side of things, at least I'm waking an hour later than when I had to for school.

And then I met my ITE mate after the interview and we went swimming, like we planned to even if the weather seemed like it could come down on us mere humans any freaking moment. Least to say, the water was darn cold! We swam a couple laps and ending up talking more than swimming. And the lifeguard was actually like, "hey you girls are just here to talk huh?" And we said, "Hell yeah! We missed each other even though we've just met 4 days ago!!" We've been good classmates and friends, me and her, for almost 4 years now and we talked about everything, things about family, things about being single, things about work etc...we never shut up!! Which is a good thing, I supposed. I might only be meeting her again after this freaking month filled with work. Who knows?

And also because of work, I can't chat with Eva and Bianca and that really bummed me out big time! I could like curse right now! I miss them and it's only right that we talk and share our day and what we had for lunch and stuff like that. God, why do they have to be so darn far away???

Oh Disclaimer?! (and hands up in the air)

I am so pissed right now so pardon the language.

I just checked out my semester result and GPA. I wasn't like expecting good grades but it didn't make it any easier when I saw it. I got a C for my Culinary Practicum instead of a B+ like I've imagined, while my GPA's a mere 2.2 over 4 points. I never knew how much I had to do or what I have to do in this fucking school! I never knew what the standards were. I've never skip a day of school for no reasons, I sat for each and every darn fucking paper and prepared myself for presentations no one is going to give a fuck after they leave the room. I'm not happy. Haven't been for a long while now.

People tell me, "you have to stop thinking about your oh-so-glamorous ITE past. You are not going to score 3.5 over 4 points anymore!" I am convinced of that fact. I just don't believe it yet. It's true, I can't think about what I can do before, but instead focus on what I'm capable of right now. Blah, blah, blah, that's what everyone says. But right now, I'm no way even close to being capable. I'm not sure why I'm still so stressed up over grades and stuff like that, especially when I'm already at my 2nd year and I know I'm not going to be straying off the wrong path any time soon. I'm just so...what's the word,............disappointed with myself.

I remembered the first week or month in school, I was giving myself like a whole fucking ton of stress, if anyone ever found a way to measure stress, it would be it. Growing up, I was never a good student, I was never the outdoor-y one, the one the teachers loved and hardly the one with good grades and wow personal achievements. I was just there. In fact, I was so quiet everyone thought I was a mute. Or autistic or whatever, I really could not give a fuck. I was an Express student in high school, and that fact still surprises me sometimes. For some crazy reasons, I sailed through 4 years of High School instead of 5. I took my Os and I scored only 2 credits and they were my languages. Surprise, surprise! (ok, that was indeed pure sarcasm and mocking, if you miss it!) I couldn't fucking do Math, Accounts, Combined Sciences, Humanities, even Arts! I think I only passed Math like once, when I was in primary 2! And nobody remembers what happen when they were in primary 2 but I do!! I eventually went to ITE, it was the only school that would take me, the only school I could afford. My parents wanted me to work instead, since I can't obviously study and that was when I started using school as an excuse to not grow up and assume adulthood and its responsibilities.

Temasek Polytechnic was the only polytechnic I swore I'll get in, at any cost. I wasn't even thinking about other polytechnics. I sent in the application form as soon as I could to apply for poly through my course manager. I weren't given a variety of courses to choose from, as supposed to a fresh out of high school kid would. So I chose Leisure and Resort Management out of the 3 hospitality course but got Culinary and Catering Management instead. It was my third choice and usually the applicant has to go through an interview and all that. Fortunately I didn't have to. Like my ITE mates, I thought I didn't get into poly because they didn't. I was just waiting for a phone call or a letter to tell me what I already knew. I even went to color my hair for the first time in 20 years because I thought I wasn't eligible. And 2 weeks later, I got a phone call at the 11th hour to ask me to go down to register. Man, I really dig this whole unpredictable shit. And so after missing 2 days of orientation and 1 day of class and 3 years later, I was officially a poly student. But that's also when the shit started.

I was 20 when I joined my class of 17, 18 year old. I didn't exactly portray a good first impression (and even now) and I was just sitting alone with myself at the far end of the table while everyone's clustered together in the center rows like squirrels who have known each other for eons of years, hoping somehow I was back in ITE so I could do the same squirrel thing. I didn't talk to anyone nor was I approached by anyone. Fast forward a couple of months, people know me and there were actually interactions going along, albeit certain misconceptions..like my tattoos for example and especially the fact they think I can't understand mandarin. Those kids didn't even think it was a big deal that I wasn't hetereosexual so it was cool. What's not cool is my grades.

I am so fucking pissed at myself, about not being able to reach the standards, whatever the hell they are. And my mother, she just never shut up! She couldn't stop comparing me with herself when she was younger, or with some fucking classmates I used to have or with some kids of her own friends. I don't even know who I fucking am anymore....and all these years, I'm trying so so fucking hard so they would look at me and I'll see pride in their eyes but no...apparently, whatever i do means nothing to them.

I'm just so tired....

But as all things that have happened in my life, especially good things, this will pass too and I promise I'll give you the Ashley Tara before she knew about her grades and before her mom started nagging at her back again.

Officially Rendered...

God, I've exhausted more pairs of headphones a nobody could possibly have and within months!! I don't get it, I so do not fucking get it! And this...this recent pair made my ears hurt! So now I'm officially rendered handicapped with half a life and the bad half of it at that! And I didn't even abused it! Would somebody tell me please?

Ok, so I tried to calm my absolutely exasperated self down and who knows, I might have to wait until October to get a new IPOD and along with it, brand new headphones. It just felt like something is missing, you know. Music is life, it is feelings and some pent up frustrations or joy. It's an outlet for many. And if only my brother could return me my guitar, I might just be able to embark on something cool...like writing music cool.

So MUSIC of the week.
Now, this is different. I want you guys to check out this girl. She can sing and write songs and plays the guitar. You can listen to her songs on her official website http://www.kimdivine.com/ or check her out on youtube (mostly acoustic). Just type in the name kim divine. And her lyrics and her thoughts are posted on her blog on her official website so people, please, knock yourself out. Her works are of realism and pure emotions, I guaranteed.

Another new kid I wanna recommend is Aselin Debison. She's like 15 but she's singing and writing her own songs. Do give her a shot.

What else have I been listening to....hmm, let's see...ok, right now, I'm trying to remember the lyrics of Alexander Wang Lee Hom's 唯一 . Not the mandarin version cause that I can do; its the japanese version of the song. And how did I not know that his English name was Alexander?

You guys could also check out Aslyn and Avril's and Maroon 5's latest CDs if you weren't already a fan like I am. Sarah McLachlan and John Mayer, you guys must be insane to have not listen to them...there are couple of songs and singer(s) that stucked with me through the years like The Verve Pipe's The Freshman, Vertical Horizon's Best I Ever Had, Chemical Romance's The Ghost Of You, James Morrison's Pieces Don't Fit Anymore and this one Spanish song; Alejandro Sanz feat. Shakira - Te Lo Agradezco Pero No...it's one of the first spanish song I've really ever listened to and it's great. These days, I put on repeat Arash's Boro Boro...god knows what it meant but it rocked!

It has been pointed out to me that I listened to a lot of different genres...and I like it :P

God, what is wrong with you?

2 weeks now and I'm starting to feel the toil. The toil of not doing nothing at all. I've just been sitting alone and waiting. For something to struck, for something to make or break. Whatever works for me.

Life takes on different forms and one being a mundane chore, not filled with amazing extraordinary things like mine was. And then something happened. You're not sure if it's meant to be but somehow somewhere along the line it's the only comfort. You're not sure if you could walk away from it, changed, better. And you're not sure if it's the thing that would eventually take over your life, killing dinner plans and rare elation, hopes and dreams. Isn't life supposed to just be mundane?

As I sat typing, I'm not sure if I've lived today or the days before, for the last 2 weeks, now going into its 3rd. I'm such a loser, livin' off and on borrowed time. Everyone has got something to do, everyone but me. Everyone has something to look forward to, 'cept me. Ok, now I see where this is going - it's one of those entries where I could complain and then come back a couple weeks later realizing, 'oh fuck no, that wasn't me at all.' Unfortunately, it's kinda the routine. I just needed to vent and no one reads it anyway which would so justify it.

I think I'll come back.

E's back, after almost 2 months, she's back. A little jet-lag but back. She came back to me, and to J. And J.

I don't wanna be sounding bitter or god forbids it, jealous or whatever but I thought I've got it under control, my feelings and how I would feel and react to certain things. I thought I got it all figured out and covered nicely. Apparently not so much. There are still things that needed figuring out and more feelings that I have to deny ever having.

God, what is wrong with me?! Do I not understand? Do I not get it at all? She's never going to love you, you moron who possibly had Delusional Paranoia. She's in love with another, and my money's on J who made her happy and should in turn make me happy because she's happy. But I'm not. And I hated it. I hated myself for thinking and behaving the way I have. It'll all go away I'm sure. It had to.

Chair, and Me In It

Hi, I think I'm sick. Like emotionally sick. 3 hours ago I was a crazy person sitting in front of my computer just typing and typing and reorganizing thoughts in my head as bits and pieces of my story fall into place. Fast forward 3 hours, I'm feeling like my heart is going to break into pieces and not going to fall into places. Ever. And it was the same kind I feel whenver I would look down on my wrist.

I know I should have known. That it's merely a fabrication. Something to keep me in my chair until everything blows away. I should be happy that she wrote to me today, telling about menses cramps, nice beautiful parcels and then there was also that possible trip to do volunteer work in Colombia.

I'm such a bad person and selfish too. My best friend wants to go do volunteer work for a couple of months and I should be happy and be supportive of her. But all I ever could think about is the distance between us. There is so much going on in her life and I couldn't be there for her and with her, to share, to laugh with or even to be angry about or cry over with. I never believe I could miss someone as bad, but I did. I keep thinkin' that she's moving away faster than I can possibly handle and maybe, just maybe we were never close to start with. No, that last thought would have been so wrong...we were close, before and now and in the future....God!

A long time ago, she sort of almost made me a promise that she would come to Singapore to visit me and she would rent an apartment so I could go stay with her for however long...and now she's telling that 'no, it's cancelled. i never made any such plans with you.' I know even if her parents allow her the trip to Columbia which she and I highly doubt so, it would only be a few months and maybe after that I can actually see her but.....she's just too fast and too far away from me....and I miss her...I really do...but I'm proud of her for doing the things she does, the dreams she has.

A few months ago I started wearing the wrist band around my wrist religiously, as if my life depended on it. It was her first gift for me and the Greeks believed that it would ward evil spirits and keep the wearer protected and blessed. As the time without her grows, I found myself at two ends. A part of me wanted to wear the wrist band or at least be able to see it all the time and a part of me just wanna put it away so it doesn't hurt as bad. Just so you know, people, I am wearing the wrist band as I typed. I have mixed feelings for her and I don't want her to know.

I used to harbor this gigantic crush on her when I first met her last December. (God, I think she is so going to kill me with a knife if she could right now) I remembered the first time I saw her, or rather her display picture on MSN, it was a girl standing with her elbows on the tabletop behind her in what looks like a kitchen to me. She wasn't smiling at all. And thank god, I eventually change that fact. I wonder if anyone told her how beautiful she was when she smiled. But anyway, we talked more and we knew about each other more and we fully embraced the next person for who they truly are and might become. And then there was first email from her and it pretty much set the tone for the rest of the months, at least for me. As the days and weeks and months go, the more I feel I'm attracted to her. Initially I brushed it off as an infatuation, something that will pass sooner or later. Then we started chatting and I told her about this dream that I had, regarding her. If only I knew I was setting myself up for a big heartbreak...but anyway, it was a crazy 2 weeks for me after that. I couldn't eat nor sleep. It was a first for me. It was like I'm at my lowest, 24/7 and I couldn't help it...it's something that has to work itself out on its own and thankfully, it did, after 2 weeks. I was almost myself again. There were still a hurdle or 2 that I had to cross, of course and silly stupid jealousy to get over with but I did so it was cool. I actually worked around the fact that there was never any way in hell she would fall for me. (Funny how it's one of those memorable things that got stuck) Then there was Javier, the Spanish prince charming standing at 180cm with broad shoulders, a decent-looking face and charming words. We have never really spoken so I don't really know him at all but I knew his love for her. And I thought that was enough.

He was a man who made her happy, the person who sort of took my place to make her happy. Then there was the crazy and stupid and very uncalled for riots and whatnots in her school and whatever that was going on in school was put on halt, exams and classes...it was crazy but i guess it's how people there and around the world settle problems. And because of the riots, exams and classes were all squeezed into matters of weeks and months. She was probably driven crazy with non-stop revisions and exam schedules. I know I was. But thank god, salvation came in the light of Summer. She was finally able to rest and breath easy again. It was the holiday and she was going home.

And she was gone...for months. And sometimes, it sucked not having her around...who am i kidding, it always suck since she has returned home. I was ecstatic she was home, no more school, no more ridiculous exam schedules. I don't know, maybe I'm just reading too much into it..I must have been crazy. Though truth be told, i still wish somehow, just somehow she might just visit me one of these days....And also, I didn't write this entry just so I could make our lives difficult...I just wanna have some right to stick around in her life, whatever role I might play.

What Breaks, Mend Too

A couple hours ago, not sure if I were any more awake than I am as I write this entry now, I was stoked that I got an email from my best friend, E. But it wasn't so pretty as soon as I started reading, realizing why I got an email from her. She told me that she has decided to call it off with her Spanish boyfriend, J. I'm not sure how I feel. I just know I have to be there for her, for whatever she needs, whenever it is. J loves her, that even I can tell. They met online, in a forum kinda thing on the internet and eventually charming J won E over. He made her feel like she's the most important person, with voicemails, phone calls and emails and online conversations. I wish I knew the guy better. They were supposed to meet for the first time in Athens this October and J had already even bought the ticket as a surprise. He just wanna spend some real time with his girl is all.

If I assume correctly, I would probably think that what made E decided what she did, it was because of what she cannot do or promise and support and what J has been doing. There has apparently been a tilt in balance. Now E and J are brokenhearted.

I love this girl to bits and pieces ever since I known her and all I could ever ask for is that she's happy, with a good man, with a good job and a family that I know would always be behind her, supporting and loving her. She would always paint me a beautiful picture of what our future would be like, all full of faith, all full of beliefs and all full of anticipation. We are going to take over the world, with our eyes, with our legs and hands and me, a reason to be covered in tattoos, the way I wanted it to be. She's my angel, important person. And now I can't do shit to help her get through this decision. J could very well be the man she needed, nobody has the answer, nobody could possibly. And all these time that I've known her, she has been this fiercely driven, and highly independent girl that needed no one and somehow a part of her thinks that she's not worth of a good man, a good love, a wedding that is worth mentioning even after 70 long years. She thinks she's selfish when it comes to relationships with boys. And meeting J would have changed that thought, or so I thought. And I always hate how she would think that. I would think that I'm the one that isn't worth loving.

I don't know exactly what has went down between those 2. I would never really ask about him or them. I just have to know that she enjoyed his company, his love and his affection. It's between them anyway. A shared affection, a shared happiness. Not mine. I wish I could do more...but I kinda promise her that I wouldn't talk about it.

Looking back on things, and gladly looking past that crush, I was there when she realized her affection to J, the first time she answered J's phone call, his first voice mail, his first gift that had her name on it etc....maybe, just maybe, things will work out...I just have to there for her.

Re: 170807

29 April 2007

Well, it just didn't feel right. Now it does. The first week of the new term has come and gone. And god, it was more than merely adjustments but a complete 360 degree change. My sleeping pattern gradually changed, there was a whole lot of discipline and punctuality and precison and team spirit thrown into the mix that is me, Ashley Tara. All 3 classes were pretty much going through the same shit, a.k.a the Culinary Hell (as aptly dubbed by our wonderful Chef H. ). Everyone's waking 5 a.m. every morning and probably wouldn't get home until late evening just to suffer the onslaught of backaches and cuts and bruises and fatigue that was the after effects of spending 8 hours, racing against time and brain cells in the newly built but yet completed demo theatre and kitchens. Not to mention the numerous bags and stuff we had to carry while struggling up the bus or the train and when it does rain in the morning, it's just really really bad. But also because of that, yes the silver lining of whatever cloud, the 3 classes were more bonded together and it was, to me one of the most important and beautiful thing in trying times to have resulted. Everyone was helpful and understanding and kept that sense of light-ness and humor, knowing whatever they have to go through, that other guy from the other class at that other station they didn't realize previously of their existence is experiencing the same thing too..this is really just human nature, I would say...but beautiful. The other beautiful thing is that, we've learnt. And we still are. Stuff about stuff that we didn't previously figure out or knew about cooking and food and mentality towards cooking. And most of them, just kind of common sense.

There were 3 chefs flying in from CIA, Culinary Institute of America that is this pretigious and star-studded institute. They were Chef Ken James W., Chef Marc Something Haymon (can't remember the middle name for there isn't much interaction with the great Pastry man/master yet) and lastly, Chef Hinnerk Winhelm Von Bargen. As most people would have already noticed by his last name, Chef H's German and he has worked in many countries, Beijing for example, and he met his wife of almost a decade there and had a beautiful 8 year old daughter. He's this 1.90cm or more guy who I kept visualizing would poke his eyes and forehead against the sharp corners of the plasma tv and the cupboard whenever he would walk too near...Anyway, I've met them, his wife and daughter twice so I know...you know, just in case you're wondering. Chef Ken and Chef Marc on the other hand, are typical native Americans with Chef K possessing more than 30 years of experience in the culinary world. It was a total blast and honor to learn from these chefs who thank God, didn't lose their quirky sense of humor and humanity to the merciless hell of toiling and cooking.

This is how a typical day would go and warning: could be rather stale. Grooming inspection starts at around 7.50, for by then, anyone who's sane would already have been there, in full U and with whatever that was going through their minds at the time standing in a line. Sometimes, the tutor, Mr. Sarcastic-and-always-missing-the-mark J Sim would come round or Chef Ken, or Ms B Wilson, the other tutor, telling us what we've done correctly so far in the morning or in the kitchen the previous evening or if any, something we might have screwed up that morning. So far we have been great; punctual, perfectly dressed and having done a wonderful beef consomme etc...I guess everyone's pretty much adapted to the routine of waking up before dawn and going home after sunset. For the next couple of hours, there will be a demostration by Chef H, (so far it was him) demostrating what we have to do later in the kitchen. Along the way, questions were thrown between both directions and it was very interesting how inquistive some people are. To better faciliate teaching and interacting, there are 3 cameras and plasma tvs basically showing the demostration so we could really see if the color of the food changes, or if it's boiling or simmering etc...Ms Wilson, she's one messed up person when it comes to operating those cameras, zooming in and out at the exact wrong timing...we could never understand her. The class of 59, separated into Group A and B with A going into the kitchen and cooking right after whatever they have just sat through and B out for an hour lunch. After lunch, B comes back for the lecture covering topics for the next day before going into the kitchen. Group A, of course comes back in and sit through the same lecture after cooking wraps....School mostly ends around 4 to 5pm, that is, if we didn't have classes after that, which would then be ending around 6pm... Told you it could get a little stale..but I gotten do what I had to.

We've been practising knife skills and I tell you, no one suck at it more than I do. And I'm not even going to be talking about my various deep cuts (on my fingers). You'll know how precision really comes in when it comes to cutting stuff and really, I think I didn't put in any effort to doing it, otherwise it wouldn't have turned up shit. Anyway, it's the only thing so far that has made me not enjoy this thing as much..I'm having another knife skills practice tomorrow, we'll see what happens...

Ok, the previous part of this entry was written a week after my first week in TCA. Now that I'm nearing the end, I should perhaps give it an update of what have gone down. And I think I would love to keep a detailed update as possible because then, I can forget about it. After the 3 weeks spent in Skills Hot where we picked up fundamental stuff, we were broken up and piled neatly into different departments, namely Skills Hot, Skills Cold aka Garde Manger which pretty much meant 'Protect to Eat' in French, Western, Asian and Baking and Pastry departments. Each kitchen is ran by different chefs or instructors. Chef Joyce, Chef Phua and Chef Hinnerk, Chef Desmond, Chef Derrick and Chef Ken for both kitchens and lastly, Chef Fum & Chef Lillian for Pastry and Chef Marc for Barkery as respectively. As for me, I started out in Pastry, Bakery, Asian, Garde Manger, Western and lastly, Skills Hot. Spent 2 weeks in every kitchen except Asian, Pastry and Bakery, I think. But anyway, I might just come back to this entry if I could remember anything else....