Life takes on different forms and one being a mundane chore, not filled with amazing extraordinary things like mine was. And then something happened. You're not sure if it's meant to be but somehow somewhere along the line it's the only comfort. You're not sure if you could walk away from it, changed, better. And you're not sure if it's the thing that would eventually take over your life, killing dinner plans and rare elation, hopes and dreams. Isn't life supposed to just be mundane?
As I sat typing, I'm not sure if I've lived today or the days before, for the last 2 weeks, now going into its 3rd. I'm such a loser, livin' off and on borrowed time. Everyone has got something to do, everyone but me. Everyone has something to look forward to, 'cept me. Ok, now I see where this is going - it's one of those entries where I could complain and then come back a couple weeks later realizing, 'oh fuck no, that wasn't me at all.' Unfortunately, it's kinda the routine. I just needed to vent and no one reads it anyway which would so justify it.
I think I'll come back.
E's back, after almost 2 months, she's back. A little jet-lag but back. She came back to me, and to J. And J.
I don't wanna be sounding bitter or god forbids it, jealous or whatever but I thought I've got it under control, my feelings and how I would feel and react to certain things. I thought I got it all figured out and covered nicely. Apparently not so much. There are still things that needed figuring out and more feelings that I have to deny ever having.
God, what is wrong with me?! Do I not understand? Do I not get it at all? She's never going to love you, you moron who possibly had Delusional Paranoia. She's in love with another, and my money's on J who made her happy and should in turn make me happy because she's happy. But I'm not. And I hated it. I hated myself for thinking and behaving the way I have. It'll all go away I'm sure. It had to.
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