I am so pissed right now so pardon the language.
I just checked out my semester result and GPA. I wasn't like expecting good grades but it didn't make it any easier when I saw it. I got a C for my Culinary Practicum instead of a B+ like I've imagined, while my GPA's a mere 2.2 over 4 points. I never knew how much I had to do or what I have to do in this fucking school! I never knew what the standards were. I've never skip a day of school for no reasons, I sat for each and every darn fucking paper and prepared myself for presentations no one is going to give a fuck after they leave the room. I'm not happy. Haven't been for a long while now.
People tell me, "you have to stop thinking about your oh-so-glamorous ITE past. You are not going to score 3.5 over 4 points anymore!" I am convinced of that fact. I just don't believe it yet. It's true, I can't think about what I can do before, but instead focus on what I'm capable of right now. Blah, blah, blah, that's what everyone says. But right now, I'm no way even close to being capable. I'm not sure why I'm still so stressed up over grades and stuff like that, especially when I'm already at my 2nd year and I know I'm not going to be straying off the wrong path any time soon. I'm just so...what's the word,............disappointed with myself.
I remembered the first week or month in school, I was giving myself like a whole fucking ton of stress, if anyone ever found a way to measure stress, it would be it. Growing up, I was never a good student, I was never the outdoor-y one, the one the teachers loved and hardly the one with good grades and wow personal achievements. I was just there. In fact, I was so quiet everyone thought I was a mute. Or autistic or whatever, I really could not give a fuck. I was an Express student in high school, and that fact still surprises me sometimes. For some crazy reasons, I sailed through 4 years of High School instead of 5. I took my Os and I scored only 2 credits and they were my languages. Surprise, surprise! (ok, that was indeed pure sarcasm and mocking, if you miss it!) I couldn't fucking do Math, Accounts, Combined Sciences, Humanities, even Arts! I think I only passed Math like once, when I was in primary 2! And nobody remembers what happen when they were in primary 2 but I do!! I eventually went to ITE, it was the only school that would take me, the only school I could afford. My parents wanted me to work instead, since I can't obviously study and that was when I started using school as an excuse to not grow up and assume adulthood and its responsibilities.
Temasek Polytechnic was the only polytechnic I swore I'll get in, at any cost. I wasn't even thinking about other polytechnics. I sent in the application form as soon as I could to apply for poly through my course manager. I weren't given a variety of courses to choose from, as supposed to a fresh out of high school kid would. So I chose Leisure and Resort Management out of the 3 hospitality course but got Culinary and Catering Management instead. It was my third choice and usually the applicant has to go through an interview and all that. Fortunately I didn't have to. Like my ITE mates, I thought I didn't get into poly because they didn't. I was just waiting for a phone call or a letter to tell me what I already knew. I even went to color my hair for the first time in 20 years because I thought I wasn't eligible. And 2 weeks later, I got a phone call at the 11th hour to ask me to go down to register. Man, I really dig this whole unpredictable shit. And so after missing 2 days of orientation and 1 day of class and 3 years later, I was officially a poly student. But that's also when the shit started.
I was 20 when I joined my class of 17, 18 year old. I didn't exactly portray a good first impression (and even now) and I was just sitting alone with myself at the far end of the table while everyone's clustered together in the center rows like squirrels who have known each other for eons of years, hoping somehow I was back in ITE so I could do the same squirrel thing. I didn't talk to anyone nor was I approached by anyone. Fast forward a couple of months, people know me and there were actually interactions going along, albeit certain misconceptions..like my tattoos for example and especially the fact they think I can't understand mandarin. Those kids didn't even think it was a big deal that I wasn't hetereosexual so it was cool. What's not cool is my grades.
I am so fucking pissed at myself, about not being able to reach the standards, whatever the hell they are. And my mother, she just never shut up! She couldn't stop comparing me with herself when she was younger, or with some fucking classmates I used to have or with some kids of her own friends. I don't even know who I fucking am anymore....and all these years, I'm trying so so fucking hard so they would look at me and I'll see pride in their eyes but no...apparently, whatever i do means nothing to them.
I'm just so tired....
But as all things that have happened in my life, especially good things, this will pass too and I promise I'll give you the Ashley Tara before she knew about her grades and before her mom started nagging at her back again.
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