221186 - ??

Ok, so today's the day when I finally have to go out into the world and be like 'ok, I'm all grown, hit me, only not...'

I've always liked birthdays. Birth is a present thing, so it has to be a good thing. I used to have little parties when people I know and I didn't came and ate food and drank and laughed about something I'm quite certain isn't as amusing anymore. My mom would put me in dresses that I absolutely detested simply because the material was too annoying. But I smiled, I would, in most of the photos taken then. These days, I've stopped doing that and for whatever reasons.
As I got older, like 7 year old kinda older, people went away, my parents buried underneath work, obligations and insecurities and my own brother doing something entirely different on his own etc...birthday parties are the past.

I don't know if I like birthdays anymore. It gets so alone and it brings pain. It forces a reason or rather an obligation upon you to be happy and celebratory, even when you don't necessary feel like it. I'm not saying I wasn't happy that people remembered and that I actually received tangible gifts that I know I didn't deserve. I was elated, in ecstacy. Really. But something is terribly missing. And things will always be so, for as long as I live and she's not. I know, I know, people are going to be like 'oh come on, fucking shut up about her already, she's freaking dust but you're still here!"

For a long while, she wasn't the first and last thing on my mind, which I guess an indication of my still intact. sane and sound mind. At first, I felt guilt and then sort of a relief; that things could still be ok. Yeah, it was exactly how I felt, that I'm getting better, moving on to wherever. School was doing an excellent job at keeping my mind off things, it still is, with tests and projects and whatnots. As a matter of fact, I should be sleeping right about now for a test in the morning which I'm sure half the class might fail. And then when I had to write something about today (22 Nov, Thursday), I saw her face again. I didn't lose her, I'm glad. I didn't kill her.

It wasn't the most pleasant half a day. It was the first day of operation, 42 pax and as the captain, i've made an absolutely stupid mistake and it implicated the whole of the restaurant and I was terribly apologetic about it and if guilt were a tangible thing, I would have been crushed to death. But I did so much better on Friday albiet rooms for improvement so I think it's a good thing...I would continue to do better, I promise.


Happy 21st to me.