Ok, so I started the fucking day on a fucking bad note. But this one comes with a disclaimer so here goes. When I was writing this entry in my cell phone, I was just fucked up, exhausted and sick. When I finally got home and post it up here, I'm just fucked and sick. So...I knew disclaimers have their worth. But of course, pardon the language. This is just me. Or rather Was.
First I had to wake up 6.20 am for work while everyone goes away to celebrate, then I had to be a fucking idiot who dropped her cell on the the darn fucking road, completed with asphalt, carbon and stones and whatever they throw in to make roads. And I might have really lost the soft outer layer of the left side of my earpiece for good when the cell tangled and hit the ground. Oh My Fucking God! I've not been able to listen to my mp3 player either because the fucking headphones died on me weeks ago. Music was and still is the only non-judgemental-y salvation and now I'm left with nothing. And I also realized I can't make nor answer phone calls. Something has absolutely gone busted in the little gadget. While I've literally turned into an unpredictable land mine and totally pissed at the universe, I still had to go through 12 hours of whatever crap at work. The world and its little equally fucked up people are pitting against me. Hell, I AM pitting against myself, for that matter. Being broke, finding the absolutely fucked up job for the month, met and worked with some of the worst people, the darn pain-inflicting wisdom tooth and my glorious health condition I'm tryin' to salvage with vitamins and herbs the doctors prescribed. I still have to make appointments with specialists which I know for a fact I would have neither time and money for. I know I've just been a lousy person these days full of grudges and feeling just deprived. But I'm sure the less deprived me will come back in no time. Till then, whoever reads my entries has to bear with me. I'm really sorry.
I always assumed that I can be kind and generous about almost everything like allowing my fucked up self to do whatever stupid things I've done and whatever happened with the cell. I'm just really exhausted, you know. I know I've made some really stupid mistakes, the road along my life this far. I'm digging my own grave. Well, at least I didn't do things that would guarantee me a certain death, like cigarettes and drugs and fucking strangers. Ah, comfort....
2 nights ago, I was waiting for my dad near the train station and there was my high school, just sitting there quietly in the dark of night for as long as I knew it had been. I've not gone back to visit 2, 3 years now and as I stood there, looking at its trademark blues and white exterior, I felt the weight of memories heavy on my heart. It wasn't something I was looking for and it got so heavy I had to sit down. One thing I've noticed was a color pattern - blue. Tara had the most gorgeous stories-telling eyes of azure, the color of the long sleeved shirt she died in and how blue was always my favorite comfort color. I felt the literal surge of colors and emotions and memories that has hitched a ride into me. I am living in a place I had 5 years ago, the high school and those who vaguely knew Tara are still alive...etc. I'm still living where I was, albiet going through different experiences, fighting different battles. Am I even here anymore?
Ever strike you how some people are there to offer you the world and how some just wanna take it away from you? We are really just talking about random incidents that have happened to me and well, if you counted God in. Ha! But it's difficult talking about some guy who's rather non-existent and I'm hardly ever friends with. You can't say aloud that things in your life were going perfect because that's when you jinxed it and The Powers That Be hear you and they go out of their way to completely wreck your life, turn it inside out and yes, pun intended, it's exactly how i feel like. Just read on. I mean, it's not a secret that everyone has a jealous streak, especially that guy who lives above with the stars. I was just reminded. Just when I thought my cardio and digestive conditions have taken a laying low strategy, they came back full strength, with a vengeance. It could very well been the lunch, I don't know. I spent the day and now night pretty much feeling ultra-nauseous and breathless. The perfect ending to a fucked up day I ventured.
"Problems are like the volcanic mountains in the far distant.
You see them, you know they are coming.
But they might just always be sitting in that far distant.
So don't sweat it.
Walk in light steps your destiny and find whatever you need.
Let things unfold and work their senseless logic at their own pace
No need to fret."
See, even I can come up with something a little of the more sunny variety. Changes, I appreciated them. Countdown 4 days.
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