To Be or Not To Be?

Wow, overwhelming couple of days and nights. I just had what I would think was the longest and hardest conversation with my brother. My only brother is Christian, having accepted God into his life and heart some 3 years ago. And a minute ago, he was trying his hardest to convince me to do the same; to pray in forgiveness with him for I have sinned, to join him under the wing of the Lord and be granted eternity life up in heaven with him. I had to say no. I had to break up the party. My brother told me that if I said yes, it would be the happiest night of his life and that of those angels up above. There is supposedly going to be a party because one soul that is me has escaped the clutches of dear Satan and into the arms of Lord J. A huge huge part of me had wanted to say yes, because it made my brother happy. And then a larger part of me realized that if I said yes, I would be the world's greatest liar and I've always been an advocate of honesty.

My brother told me he knew I was gay and I was no longer trying to hide my tattoos. (My mom still thinks it's just a sticker :P and I'm not complaining). And yesterday I was brought to the Accident and Emergency Department of the nearest hospital because well, the doctors still couldn't tell me what's wrong with me 'cept I had a heartbeat faster than most people. I was put on the IV drip and now I know how much it hurt. I have bruisings on both my hands from the drip and blood tests as I typed now. I also went through 1 X-ray screening and 2 ECGs, like a heart scan to check your heartbeat. It was uncomfortable lying on the bed and I scratched my thigh pretty badly against the sharp corner of the clipped file beside my bed when I tried to get off to go to the ladies. The doctor could only refer me to a cardiologist and the appointment is set this coming Wednesday. We'll see what happens. I'm kinda tired from spending every weekend the past month at the doctors just so they could tell me they don't know what's wrong with me. And of course, the money spent out of own pocket. Anyway, my brother got news and he and his chapel mates got together and sent out a prayer to God for me. They prayed with all their hearts that God will be there with me and for me by my bedside and that I survived. My brother realized that it's time I join him, to find meaning in my life, to ask for forgiveness, to have a chance to convince others to do the same, etc. I can't. I was really touched.

It was the first time in 17 years he sat me down, and in his hand, the bible and in his heart, an open door that welcomed God. He was willing to spend time with me to help me out of this apparently one-way road to destruction. I never would have asked anything like that from him. We were never close, I was always jealous of him because my parents were proud of him. He was the better looking one and well, very much straight and healthly. And tonight, he posed me the most difficult 'to be or not to be'. I couldn't deny him only for the fact that he is my blood brother and he meant well. But I have to deny him because of who I am. I am gay and tattooed and I've violated 2 of God's not-to-do. My brother even read me the lines or whatever you called it from the bible to let me know my mistakes. He knows, he actually knows. All these years, I've tried to hide it, hide who I am from him, my only family. My parents don't know yet and I could only imagine their reactions.

I don't know if things will ever be the same. I know I'm heading straight to hell and be tortured for the rest of all eternity just because I'm honest and being myself. I could have easily said yes and tonight would mark my salvation. I really don't know. I love my brother and if whatever he said was true, I've just lost that right.

"I wish I'll die tonight so I'll be freed from tomorrow
Of all pain and sorrow, from words and judgement of God's
I hate to think I'm meant to die for who I am, of what I feel
Why? Why give me life when you just want me to lie?
I'll really have an easier time to just die
Everyone will get on just fine
And Time shall just heal things right
Why, a fiery death, an eternity of hell and torment?
What have I done wrong?
The only time it felt right was the only time I didn't breathe and it was the only truth.
I had quiet and peace.
Silence and ease.
And no more pain, and no more."