I'm sitting right here and now and I don't know what to do. I wanna do something, before time runs out, before my bones turn all gray and no one remembers my name. I have a proficiency test up and coming, and I can't be sure if I were prepared. We never really had a chance to practice and we never really had to be in that situation. But we will pass, because we had to and we will. Service Bootcamp actually made me wanna be in the kitchen, for good, like a long-term occupation for life kinda for good. Maybe it's the way I'll go.

I'm reading about Japanese Etiquette & Ethics in Business (the book's exact name) now for a project and it dawned on me just how long I've stopped reading anything. It is extremely uplifting for me to pull out a book which previously I have zero juice for and started reading, even if it's for school. Right now, I'm understanding. It's a good thing, especially when the psychological and romanji elements came into play. I'm understanding a particular race of human I never did before.

If I wanna write, I have got to reflect and read and experience things. I'm not, don't think so. I lead a boring life, that of a student who's not involved in anything except being stuck in early and sometimes rainy mornings in buses, a post-teenager girl who's nowhere near the passing chart of 'hey, i think you're pretty and really interesting, wanna fuck?', and subconsciously, adopting a 2nd or even 3rd personae whenever I'm placed in a different and often tedious situation. The Service Bootcamp is one such apt example. I wanna learn so bad I'm not anymore. I'm just filled with contempt at times, for myself, for the way things have to be. Am I just this worthless? How could I have lost all my common sense, all the answers? I knew the answers. I knew I know. I'm not stupid, I've got a brain, I've got conscience and I've got both hands.

I blacked out all the time, in classes, in life. I lose my concentration to something unknown and I've wanted to change it with sleep and attitude. What something I could do become something I can't. And I hated that. I hated that me. Where is my comfort zone? I don't know. Where is me, the better part of me? It's nowhere to be seen, nowhere to be located and keep.

My 21st is coming and all I wish for is that I'd wake up from this life, to perk with excitment and anticipation. I'd not make mistakes again. I'd try to keep everyone happy with sincere love, with my jokes and sarcasm. And maybe I will find someone, among the stars, in the crowds, to love me before my time's up. And I'll die for her. I want a fresh start is all. Will anyone grant me that?

So far, I'm never quite prespicuous but I've worked with that. I'll repeat myself as many times as it'd take. And I think the people are secretly glad I'm bilingual. When I'm only talking to me, it was so easy. I might have a problem, otherwise. I love people, I've moved out of isolation but I'm not mingling with the right people enough. I'm not mingling period. See why I needed a birthday wish now?