It’s a funny thing really, expectations and beliefs that totally get to people and be that of a wicked wicked wreck. Growing up, I had a lot of expectations and beliefs. No doubt I still hold them true to my heart and stood firmly my ground but I've covered myself with self-inflicted wounds inflicted mostly by broken promises and these so-called wonderful expectations. All cut up inside because I didn't wanna give up. I just wanna feel alive but yet I've never felt more vulnerable in my life. And it is so so painful. I can't even put it in words (so obviously I took someone else's).
After years of just feeling numb, I now have a wonderful person E, constantly feeding me with huge unattainable dreams, at least by my standards and to believe in them. 'They may be unrealistic but they are still 'realize-able', if only you would believe in them.' Well, these dreams are only realistic because they are for you. I thought I found salvation. Lies, were the words she has spoken with such steely faith. Faith that is now burning fiery holes inside of me, rendering me ashes as I fall so swiftly from great heights. And she doesn't even have to try. Ain't it all pretty and gray? She has her own right to life and for some reasons, she brings people along with the ride. She just do, whether she knows it or not and right now, this tall, charming guy hailing all the way from Spain has fallen deeply under her spell. And don't get me wrong, I've got no complaints about that, it's their lives, no way near mine. I'm merely an audience who got suck into the whole shit.
With expectations comes even greater disappointments, that I've learnt so well. And while I'm not the only person in this world who has lost the light of their world and existence, I sure seemed to be the only idiot who can't snap out of it. Instead, all this pain and sorrow and grieving has become of the mainstay of who I am. If I were ever human, the wonderful bundle of pain is oxygen and blood. I might have actually invited the bundle to stay. I am neither genuinely happy nor devastated about anything. I have never found the reason to smile anymore but lots to cry about. I gave in into the enthralling allure of silence without a fight yet on a good day I sometimes cling to whatever light that was offered, a thread of hope. And E gave me that thread of hope. That of course meant she could leave me out to bleed in cold darkness whenever she feels like. That why I can never blame her.
If she decides to move to Spain, i'll let her. I'll even visit her.
Words are just such patronizing bullshit...
You tried to show me the good things in life
But you are also the one who took it away
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