Hi, I think I'm sick. Like emotionally sick. 3 hours ago I was a crazy person sitting in front of my computer just typing and typing and reorganizing thoughts in my head as bits and pieces of my story fall into place. Fast forward 3 hours, I'm feeling like my heart is going to break into pieces and not going to fall into places. Ever. And it was the same kind I feel whenver I would look down on my wrist.
I know I should have known. That it's merely a fabrication. Something to keep me in my chair until everything blows away. I should be happy that she wrote to me today, telling about menses cramps, nice beautiful parcels and then there was also that possible trip to do volunteer work in Colombia.
I'm such a bad person and selfish too. My best friend wants to go do volunteer work for a couple of months and I should be happy and be supportive of her. But all I ever could think about is the distance between us. There is so much going on in her life and I couldn't be there for her and with her, to share, to laugh with or even to be angry about or cry over with. I never believe I could miss someone as bad, but I did. I keep thinkin' that she's moving away faster than I can possibly handle and maybe, just maybe we were never close to start with. No, that last thought would have been so wrong...we were close, before and now and in the future....God!
A long time ago, she sort of almost made me a promise that she would come to Singapore to visit me and she would rent an apartment so I could go stay with her for however long...and now she's telling that 'no, it's cancelled. i never made any such plans with you.' I know even if her parents allow her the trip to Columbia which she and I highly doubt so, it would only be a few months and maybe after that I can actually see her but.....she's just too fast and too far away from me....and I miss her...I really do...but I'm proud of her for doing the things she does, the dreams she has.
A few months ago I started wearing the wrist band around my wrist religiously, as if my life depended on it. It was her first gift for me and the Greeks believed that it would ward evil spirits and keep the wearer protected and blessed. As the time without her grows, I found myself at two ends. A part of me wanted to wear the wrist band or at least be able to see it all the time and a part of me just wanna put it away so it doesn't hurt as bad. Just so you know, people, I am wearing the wrist band as I typed. I have mixed feelings for her and I don't want her to know.
I used to harbor this gigantic crush on her when I first met her last December. (God, I think she is so going to kill me with a knife if she could right now) I remembered the first time I saw her, or rather her display picture on MSN, it was a girl standing with her elbows on the tabletop behind her in what looks like a kitchen to me. She wasn't smiling at all. And thank god, I eventually change that fact. I wonder if anyone told her how beautiful she was when she smiled. But anyway, we talked more and we knew about each other more and we fully embraced the next person for who they truly are and might become. And then there was first email from her and it pretty much set the tone for the rest of the months, at least for me. As the days and weeks and months go, the more I feel I'm attracted to her. Initially I brushed it off as an infatuation, something that will pass sooner or later. Then we started chatting and I told her about this dream that I had, regarding her. If only I knew I was setting myself up for a big heartbreak...but anyway, it was a crazy 2 weeks for me after that. I couldn't eat nor sleep. It was a first for me. It was like I'm at my lowest, 24/7 and I couldn't help it...it's something that has to work itself out on its own and thankfully, it did, after 2 weeks. I was almost myself again. There were still a hurdle or 2 that I had to cross, of course and silly stupid jealousy to get over with but I did so it was cool. I actually worked around the fact that there was never any way in hell she would fall for me. (Funny how it's one of those memorable things that got stuck) Then there was Javier, the Spanish prince charming standing at 180cm with broad shoulders, a decent-looking face and charming words. We have never really spoken so I don't really know him at all but I knew his love for her. And I thought that was enough.
He was a man who made her happy, the person who sort of took my place to make her happy. Then there was the crazy and stupid and very uncalled for riots and whatnots in her school and whatever that was going on in school was put on halt, exams and classes...it was crazy but i guess it's how people there and around the world settle problems. And because of the riots, exams and classes were all squeezed into matters of weeks and months. She was probably driven crazy with non-stop revisions and exam schedules. I know I was. But thank god, salvation came in the light of Summer. She was finally able to rest and breath easy again. It was the holiday and she was going home.
And she was gone...for months. And sometimes, it sucked not having her around...who am i kidding, it always suck since she has returned home. I was ecstatic she was home, no more school, no more ridiculous exam schedules. I don't know, maybe I'm just reading too much into it..I must have been crazy. Though truth be told, i still wish somehow, just somehow she might just visit me one of these days....And also, I didn't write this entry just so I could make our lives difficult...I just wanna have some right to stick around in her life, whatever role I might play.
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