Sometimes the world doesn't make a fucking sense
With no rhyme nor reason, no less.
After a while, you accept it and you'd learn to deal
After a while, you said, "what the hell, screw it! It hurts my brain!"
And so the pain never goes away
It stays to sting
It stays to bring
You to a new level, and often with tears
Abusing and violating its visitation rights, late at night, just when you wish you'd sleep

An emotional outburst at times
A relevation and a given chance
Living takes guts and blood
Living in reality after death takes courage and time
And I don't have any.
I had to hide, I have gotten lie, just to keep myself alive
This is my life, this is who I am
She was my life, she made me who I am

I kind of don't give a fuck if I ever heal
But what if I just want to feel her warm hands on my cheeks, her ruby luscious lips on my lips?
What if I just want us to last, and time to halt?
What if I just wanna heal?

I won't give her up if this is what it is
You gave her me, and you took her me
You gave me life and air but took her quicker than I could say
And you want me to say it's cool, I'll deal. I'll just get on on my merry way
Good God! You've got to be pulling my leg!

I've lived and survived,
Bleed and got on by
With reality and life
But I am still hardly alive...

Evanescence - My Immortal (Band Version)
Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You (Spirit Room CD Version)
Pink - Who Knew

You took my handYou showed me howYou promised me you'd be aroundUh huhThat's rightI took your wordsAnd I believedIn everythingYou said to meYeah huhThat's rightIf someone said three years from nowYou'd be long goneI'd stand up and punch them upCause they're all wrongI know betterCause you said foreverAnd everWho knewRemember when we were such foolsAnd so convinced and just too coolOh noNo noI wish I could touch you againI wish I could still call you friendI'd give anythingWhen someone said count your blessings nowFor they're long goneI guess I just didn't know howI was all wrongThey knew betterStill you said foreverAnd everWho knewYeah yeahI'll keep you locked in my headUntil we meet againUntil weUntil we meet againAnd I won't forget you my friendWhat happenedIf someone said three years from nowYou'd be long goneI'd stand up and punch them outCause they're all wrong andThat last kissI'll cherishUntil we meet againAnd time makesIt harderI wish I could rememberBut I keepYour memoryYou visit me in my sleepMy darlingWho knewMy darlingMy darlingWho knewMy darlingI miss youMy darlingWho knew

Of all the things I've believed inI just want to get it over withTears form behind my eyesBut I do not cryCounting the days that pass me byI've been searching deep down in my soulWords that I'm hearing are starting to get oldIt feels like I'm starting all over againThe last three years were just pretendAnd I said,Goodbye to youGoodbye to everything I thought I knewYou were the one I lovedThe one thing that I tried to hold on toThe one thing that I tried to hold on toI still get lost in your eyesAnd it seems that I can't live a day without youClosing my eyes and you chase my thoughts awayTo a place where I am blinded by the lightBut it's not right[Chorus]And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same timeI want what's yours and I want what's mineI want youBut I'm not giving in this timeAnd when the stars fallI will lie awakeYou're my shooting star

Feelings & Machines

It's frightening to see fatigue and frustration evolving into temporary elation, dread and helplessness in matter of hours. And also frightening on the count that it's me who's going through the shit every fucking day.

Every day at work, I'm trying to do something different and slower so I could at least catch a glimpse of time crawling by. I'm not usually like this, at work or in school. I'm always almost eager to wanna do something. But working for 12 fucking hours, 6 days a week, can and has taken its fucking toil. I am just so tired and so pressed for personal time and privacy that I'm not looking forward to anything but sleep and I'm not even getting any!! I wanna get out of this cycle where I curse and complain and wanting my own personal time to stop so I'll live it over and over again. I'm simply not spending time wisely or at least the way I would have wanted it spent. I want the three weeks to go. The relevation 'living is sounding like hard work' is sinking in and weighing me down.

I'm depressed everyday. I wore the same clothes and I've prematurely outworn my new shoes which have been a personal favorite since its collection a few months ago. And I'm eating dinner 9 every night. That is just unhealthy. And I have to prioritize stuff I didn't have to a month ago. Plus there are those weird guys with their smiles and attention, one of them being my colleague. I'm just so glad we're not of the same shift so far. But he got me into thinking about PDA cell phones because they are just such versatile and wonderful things. I'm really digging the Microsoft Word application and the huge screen for my videos and if I could get Internet connection running with a 3G sim card, I'll have MSN on the go!! How awesome is that? This guy could get the phones at relatively low price...he just got one for his daughter today...but we'll see.

For people who knew me, and know that I'm working 2 jobs, probably figured it out. Oh yeah, another tattoo to my collection. Girl has got to feed her passion somehow. Right now, I'm just waiting for The call to tell me that the draft is done and if I'm happy with it, we could get on with it. It's like the first time. It is not the wisest way to be spending money, even I could tell you that but it's not everyday that you could fulfill a want. My passion for tattoos brought with it problems. To feed it, I have to keep a job for a steady income and that's what I'm trying to do now, juggling 2 jobs. I pray they would take me in even after they don't need extra helpers for the sale anymore. Fingers crossed. And school is going to be such a bitch. Just to add on, I can't wait to leave that other job. I know I've said it and cursed it a thousand times since I got it a week ago but that's only because it's true. I'll stop if it's not. The people there are generally nice, so that's a good thing. Huh.

I'm trying to get back on writing but I've got zero juice. I don't have a specific way to write, to start and to end. I just knew I wanted it good. Once in a while, a potentially great and worthy scenerio would pop in my head, and I'll kill if I could just happen to find stationery and large spaces on white papers, preferrably with lines lying around and that I have time. My colleague suggested I bring the laptop to work so I don't have update my blog on a damn piece of recycled paper and then copy it when I get home. It would have been super cool if I'm allowed and a great Internet connection running.

Avril Lavigne - Innocence, When You're Gone
James Morrison - One Last Chance, Pieces Don't Fit Anymore
Michelle Branch - Goodbye to You

永远不会有任何人能代替你

I've not cried for a long time now so the last couple of days, including last night had been a little overwhelming and very unexpected. But I've also believe it might have just easily been a bleeding-through from the last couple of days. It was my first day off after a week of working and God can only tell you how much I wanted time to stop so I'll keep having that day off.

Let's just break it down. I was listening to a song on Friday at work and tears were brimming. I'm just glad nobody saw it. On Saturday morning, I've spent a could-have-been more pleasant morning at the polyclinic and did my 4th blood test and the hormonal test results back and apparently my thypoid level was a little too high, whatever that meant. (I'm having difficulties between 'hormones' and 'hormonal'). While the doctor was incredibly grouchy, he could not figure out what's wrong with me. And for the first time in my life, the blood test thing hurt, badly and that's just weird to me. Anyway he did what other sound person probably would and referred me to specialists instead. I'm not sure if I'm swinging by though...And I think I know why he's just a doctor in a polyclinic instead of a specialist or something. Ok, I hate to be all judgemental-y but really, there is a good reason why that dude with the horrible accent doesn't belong with the big boys. I was referred to TTSH, and now the world knows, a race to 'save' my life officially begun.

Then there was the work, the 2nd one; hordes of people and no lunch until 6pm. My colleague thought I should join him and his girlfriend for dinner or rather dessert after work and it's a willing obligation. We talked a lot about stuff we didn't before like school, people, memorial tattoos and spilt tongues. And of course, it was the talk about memorial tattoos that triggered and snapped. Memorial tattoos are stuff of extreme pain and or pleasure that every individual feels differently about. Some people simply dissed it while curiosity and sympathy invoked in others. Every single night for the last few years, there is only one thing I wanted to do, and that is to kiss her. I mean, It's what I do but couldn't anymore. The emotional outburst was akin to that of a balloon, expanding and contracting in size in sync with my very own heartbeat which by the way, can be rather erratic on most occasions.

It's rather helpless and unexpected, albiet the signs and one of them being that of a company bus with the name 'Tara Technologies' written loud and clear. Now that's what I call cool!


星期六晚上
哪儿都不想去
也无法入睡
看着电视机
持续在发呆
喝了七分醉
闭上了眼睛
试着不想你
但已来不及
忘了如何让眼泪停止流下
还好没人看见， 没人会说话
星期六深夜
我想起了你
没什么特别， 只是回忆
你让我自由我很感激
星期六深夜
永远不会有任何人能代替你
这就是遗憾的滋味
陪着我形影不离
明天我会面带微笑
但无法忘记你

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDnORne35l8&feature=related

Perceptions Personalized

Humans are known to have a million perceptions about a million different things, paving a way to more 'in my humble opinion...' and 'no, you see, I beg to differ.'

Almost 21 years ago, I was born and 5 years ago, I died. A month ago, my semester ended and now I'm left with a month more to do whatever I can before school reopens again, namely working and working. There are other tons of things to do and time to pass. When I was fretting over unemployment only a week ago, I had to find a way to pass time and do something and there were the lovely Internet, and my parents' and friends' desperation for me to get a job. Now that I have a job or rather 2, (I'm still trying to work it out), I believe time has froze, at least for me. It's a selfish and very human perception in itself of course; perceiving entirely differently, if not opposite of the same matter. Time, abstract and heavily shrouded aids survival and accomplishments but time has also made living impatient.

2 out of 4 lifts at work broke down while the remaining 2 took a year to drop a level. The lobby where my desk was, instantly filled itself with people, and impatience taking a corporate form. Taking time out of a hectic schedule to wait for faulty machines was not part of the plan and naturally in an instant, time and efficency defined differently and negatively. And I sat watching and waiting, more impatient than anyone else for the clock to strike 8. As soon as I got home, showered and really sat down, time's an Olympic runner, its eyes on the time breaking record and pride. Sometimes I understood that one minute is actually a very very long time and sometimes I don't. Intriguing, isn't it, how the same thing could meant a different time every time.

While it took me nothing to forget the most trivial stuff like Tara's middle and last name and lunch, it took me a fucking long while to remember what I wanted to update on, only to not wanna write about it no more because it's simply someone else's deal and hardly mine and I just know too little to write anything smart about it. And you know me, I breathe only for irony. And of course the f word. Oh yeah, good times, people, good times.

To Adore Or Not To? That is the Question,

Ok, I couldn't, for the short and now ignorant life of me understand how people get by with a job that require them to do nothing for an entire length of 12 hours. I wish I know, considering I'm now, also stuck in the same plight. It's absolutely horrible, made my head hurt and reduced me a kid who suffered from a series of mental traumas. I know, I know, I have to stick with me and the job, however bad it is. No one needed the dough more than I do. More work needs to be done, a debt to return, a birthday gig I could do without...and my parents. I am broke even before I got the money and it never change.

You could never guess who came to me last night - J. Yeap, the ever charming prince of Spain, whom I now know a little bit more about. Last night, however short it was, made me heave a tiny sense of relief, only because I'm not the one he so very much ADORED. He likes that word a lot, used it whenever he could. It's like that word have turned salvation for him. It's something that helps him express stuff, I guess. And at the same time, I know how much he's doing to NOT be as aggressive as a man who so strongly believes that he has finally found The One but still, I was taken aback.

The One that he so adored, more than his own benefits, is one born with insatiated thirst for knowledge and freedom and much more. One only temporarily restrained by the invisible depths of imagination, vivid brain activity and a vigorously pounding heart of a human, it's an understatement to say she needs someone at least on par with her. Now I think I know why she thinks she couldn't be in a committed relationship. It was really selfishness but not the wrong kind. As far as I know, J wants to be that person, that person who no longer has a place to live but to stay, and dealing with impossible surges of emotions til' he became numb. J will do it for love. J will do it for life, his own and E's.

I don't really know a lot about him but he came across, in an instant, incredibly fragile and vulnerable and kinda stuck in a hole that he had willingly and very aggressively dug for himself. It's called Love. And if Love ever needed a fresh pair of cornea(s), this would be a perfect time. I worry about him a lot. He's doing too much not for himself, although it looks like it is on the superficial surface and I don't know, I wish he would have seen the whole thing differently...and who knows, things might just flow a little easier, and on everyone else.

S.H.E's Rendition of 情人, originally by Beyond
刘德华 - 爱如此神奇
Pink - Leave Me Alone
Stefanie Sun - E-Lover
王力宏 - 星期六的深夜

Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa. And It's For Real This Time.

I have a couple hours left. I am starting work for this security company starting tomorrow at 8am. Although technically, my day would start 5.30am every single morning for the next month. I'm never one to look forward to working, especially 12 hours of work, non-stop and alone. I don't know what I'll be looking at at work tomorrow. It could be a slack gig, like what the guy who interviewed me said, almost dismissively or it could be a challenging, time-fulfilled one. All I asked for is money and satisfaction and I'll bail. I know it's a lot to ask for but it's how anything starts for me, at least the satisfaction and the bailing part. Right now, I could use a little pick-me-up as Tara once told me.

She was just overwhelmed with fatigue from school stuff when she came home one day and without a word, she sat me down and looked into my eyes with hers, both hands on either side of my shoulders. I was getting antsy by the second but I kept my eyes with hers because I believe she's trying to tell me something. She just couldn't do it just yet. And then she spoke. "Baby, I think I need a little pick-me-up. " All I could say then was 'Huh, ok. What can I do?" "You're doing it." And then she smiled the brightest smile you wouldn't ask as much from someone who had just been slogging her guts over a dumb project and making home from a dull meeting at the school prefectorial board. I swore to God I fell in love with her all over again. "You're my pick-me-up, darling, all I need."

So right this minute, I too, demanded a pick-me-up. I wanna Want to go work, I wanna Want to be able to wanna do something like checking the building's temperature which strangely enough, is part of my job scope. I wanna Want to feel that I'm underpaid, which really I still think I am, because I've tried my best and done everything the way I could possibly manage. And then get ready for school. Tara's not here anymore so I'll be my own pick-me-up.

I'm sure I'll be updating my blog more often unless work is really just a slack gig and it's main agenda's to aggravate my already irreversible sleep deprivation problem.

Keep swinging by, people

Titles.

I did a little adjustment. I added appropriate and apt titles for each and every entry I've posted up so far. I think it's a committment. People and friends might not get the titles at all; what it meant and why but they didn't have to. Memories, of the past are things that prompted the titles. If you guys really wanna know, I'm not dead so please, feel free to ask. And I'll try to be patient.

Sometimes you do things, things you regret 12 minutes later. And when that happens, your head hurts and cursing became a relatively natural course of action. I have these feelings for a particular person, a girl person and this particular person, let's just call her Person.

So I met said person, almost 10 months ago and I can't, for the life of me, remember how but we did anyway. She wasn't the person I thought she would be. For starters, I didn't think I'll befriend someone who lives a zillion million miles away from Singapore. Person's so committed and driven it made Santa Claus blush redder than his coat. And she's like nobody I've ever met and it could have been the language barrier or it could have been the raw and usually bloody truth OR it could be what I wanted it to be even when it's hardly so. I love her, I think. Like a friend, like true family. And there is nothing I wouldn't do for her.

She made me the happiest person on Earth with just words, that may or may not come true while sometimes what she does, usually unintentionally gave me the VIP card and infinite vistation rights to Hell. I can't know if I like it or I don't. It's always a blurry water color, abstract with her. At times you thought you know what you are looking at, but most times, you don't see what your heart wants you to see. You chose denial, you choose trashing about it to a poor stranger 4 in the morning who didn't have any obligation to listen to you. You get upset or sad or something when Person talks about a particular someone who's not you. You blame yourself countless times for being childish but you do the same thing over and over again. Words hurt, words encourage, words bring people down and words replay like a bad song in your head. I hated the person I've become. I didn't know this side of me before and I'm putting my rational foot down and says this part of Ash is no good at all. I'll change, as hard as it is...and having this blog thing is not helping either.

It's Like The Stars.

I was done with my friend's blog and wow. It made mine so insignificant and childish. She talked about her day, and her opinions about stuff that was happening to her and around her, while I have a whole new different way to expressing what I feel, usually I just vent and complain and curse whenever I can. But I do believe that everyone's different and I think I love that!

This morning, I went for a job interview at the weirdest places. My mom called the guy a couple of days ago when I refused to wake up and she refused to shut up! She lied to the guy, telling him I have a couple more months to go before I go back to college which hello, when I was even a freaking college student and somehow my mom was convinced that i'll get at least $1,300 a month from working as a receptionist for the security company. It's just odd. Work officially starts on Monday and god, I have to wake up 6.30 in the freaking morning so I could squeeze with other people who suffered the same fate as I do in the train. And it's like almost 45 minute train ride alone. Hmm...something to ponder about. And then grumble. And if I really have to look at the bright side of things, at least I'm waking an hour later than when I had to for school.

And then I met my ITE mate after the interview and we went swimming, like we planned to even if the weather seemed like it could come down on us mere humans any freaking moment. Least to say, the water was darn cold! We swam a couple laps and ending up talking more than swimming. And the lifeguard was actually like, "hey you girls are just here to talk huh?" And we said, "Hell yeah! We missed each other even though we've just met 4 days ago!!" We've been good classmates and friends, me and her, for almost 4 years now and we talked about everything, things about family, things about being single, things about work etc...we never shut up!! Which is a good thing, I supposed. I might only be meeting her again after this freaking month filled with work. Who knows?

And also because of work, I can't chat with Eva and Bianca and that really bummed me out big time! I could like curse right now! I miss them and it's only right that we talk and share our day and what we had for lunch and stuff like that. God, why do they have to be so darn far away???

Oh Disclaimer?! (and hands up in the air)

I am so pissed right now so pardon the language.

I just checked out my semester result and GPA. I wasn't like expecting good grades but it didn't make it any easier when I saw it. I got a C for my Culinary Practicum instead of a B+ like I've imagined, while my GPA's a mere 2.2 over 4 points. I never knew how much I had to do or what I have to do in this fucking school! I never knew what the standards were. I've never skip a day of school for no reasons, I sat for each and every darn fucking paper and prepared myself for presentations no one is going to give a fuck after they leave the room. I'm not happy. Haven't been for a long while now.

People tell me, "you have to stop thinking about your oh-so-glamorous ITE past. You are not going to score 3.5 over 4 points anymore!" I am convinced of that fact. I just don't believe it yet. It's true, I can't think about what I can do before, but instead focus on what I'm capable of right now. Blah, blah, blah, that's what everyone says. But right now, I'm no way even close to being capable. I'm not sure why I'm still so stressed up over grades and stuff like that, especially when I'm already at my 2nd year and I know I'm not going to be straying off the wrong path any time soon. I'm just so...what's the word,............disappointed with myself.

I remembered the first week or month in school, I was giving myself like a whole fucking ton of stress, if anyone ever found a way to measure stress, it would be it. Growing up, I was never a good student, I was never the outdoor-y one, the one the teachers loved and hardly the one with good grades and wow personal achievements. I was just there. In fact, I was so quiet everyone thought I was a mute. Or autistic or whatever, I really could not give a fuck. I was an Express student in high school, and that fact still surprises me sometimes. For some crazy reasons, I sailed through 4 years of High School instead of 5. I took my Os and I scored only 2 credits and they were my languages. Surprise, surprise! (ok, that was indeed pure sarcasm and mocking, if you miss it!) I couldn't fucking do Math, Accounts, Combined Sciences, Humanities, even Arts! I think I only passed Math like once, when I was in primary 2! And nobody remembers what happen when they were in primary 2 but I do!! I eventually went to ITE, it was the only school that would take me, the only school I could afford. My parents wanted me to work instead, since I can't obviously study and that was when I started using school as an excuse to not grow up and assume adulthood and its responsibilities.

Temasek Polytechnic was the only polytechnic I swore I'll get in, at any cost. I wasn't even thinking about other polytechnics. I sent in the application form as soon as I could to apply for poly through my course manager. I weren't given a variety of courses to choose from, as supposed to a fresh out of high school kid would. So I chose Leisure and Resort Management out of the 3 hospitality course but got Culinary and Catering Management instead. It was my third choice and usually the applicant has to go through an interview and all that. Fortunately I didn't have to. Like my ITE mates, I thought I didn't get into poly because they didn't. I was just waiting for a phone call or a letter to tell me what I already knew. I even went to color my hair for the first time in 20 years because I thought I wasn't eligible. And 2 weeks later, I got a phone call at the 11th hour to ask me to go down to register. Man, I really dig this whole unpredictable shit. And so after missing 2 days of orientation and 1 day of class and 3 years later, I was officially a poly student. But that's also when the shit started.

I was 20 when I joined my class of 17, 18 year old. I didn't exactly portray a good first impression (and even now) and I was just sitting alone with myself at the far end of the table while everyone's clustered together in the center rows like squirrels who have known each other for eons of years, hoping somehow I was back in ITE so I could do the same squirrel thing. I didn't talk to anyone nor was I approached by anyone. Fast forward a couple of months, people know me and there were actually interactions going along, albeit certain misconceptions..like my tattoos for example and especially the fact they think I can't understand mandarin. Those kids didn't even think it was a big deal that I wasn't hetereosexual so it was cool. What's not cool is my grades.

I am so fucking pissed at myself, about not being able to reach the standards, whatever the hell they are. And my mother, she just never shut up! She couldn't stop comparing me with herself when she was younger, or with some fucking classmates I used to have or with some kids of her own friends. I don't even know who I fucking am anymore....and all these years, I'm trying so so fucking hard so they would look at me and I'll see pride in their eyes but no...apparently, whatever i do means nothing to them.

I'm just so tired....

But as all things that have happened in my life, especially good things, this will pass too and I promise I'll give you the Ashley Tara before she knew about her grades and before her mom started nagging at her back again.

Officially Rendered...

God, I've exhausted more pairs of headphones a nobody could possibly have and within months!! I don't get it, I so do not fucking get it! And this...this recent pair made my ears hurt! So now I'm officially rendered handicapped with half a life and the bad half of it at that! And I didn't even abused it! Would somebody tell me please?

Ok, so I tried to calm my absolutely exasperated self down and who knows, I might have to wait until October to get a new IPOD and along with it, brand new headphones. It just felt like something is missing, you know. Music is life, it is feelings and some pent up frustrations or joy. It's an outlet for many. And if only my brother could return me my guitar, I might just be able to embark on something cool...like writing music cool.

So MUSIC of the week.
Now, this is different. I want you guys to check out this girl. She can sing and write songs and plays the guitar. You can listen to her songs on her official website http://www.kimdivine.com/ or check her out on youtube (mostly acoustic). Just type in the name kim divine. And her lyrics and her thoughts are posted on her blog on her official website so people, please, knock yourself out. Her works are of realism and pure emotions, I guaranteed.

Another new kid I wanna recommend is Aselin Debison. She's like 15 but she's singing and writing her own songs. Do give her a shot.

What else have I been listening to....hmm, let's see...ok, right now, I'm trying to remember the lyrics of Alexander Wang Lee Hom's 唯一 . Not the mandarin version cause that I can do; its the japanese version of the song. And how did I not know that his English name was Alexander?

You guys could also check out Aslyn and Avril's and Maroon 5's latest CDs if you weren't already a fan like I am. Sarah McLachlan and John Mayer, you guys must be insane to have not listen to them...there are couple of songs and singer(s) that stucked with me through the years like The Verve Pipe's The Freshman, Vertical Horizon's Best I Ever Had, Chemical Romance's The Ghost Of You, James Morrison's Pieces Don't Fit Anymore and this one Spanish song; Alejandro Sanz feat. Shakira - Te Lo Agradezco Pero No...it's one of the first spanish song I've really ever listened to and it's great. These days, I put on repeat Arash's Boro Boro...god knows what it meant but it rocked!

It has been pointed out to me that I listened to a lot of different genres...and I like it :P