Letters, Strings and All V

Dear Love,

God, I miss you. And it hurts like I've been stabbed repeatedly in my heart and have the blunt knife withdrawn infinite times. The violence should have raptured my heart and shred it up in a million bits but it did nothing. It was but raw pain. My heart continues to beat with an anger, seemingly at a gaping loss and emptiness. Everything I have created. I must be pathetic, writing these words every other day and knowing perfectly well it's all I'm left with. I ought to be strong; this internal chastising and self-pity could only hold up for so long. I feel I could taste separation in my mouth, in my entire being like it's tangible and I could tell you how much I despised it with utter contempt.

'Lex knocked gently on my door today. For a second there, I thought it was you and I could not hide my disappointment at all when it was anyone but you. I, however remained grateful for his company though. He's such a great and wonderful man anyone should be grateful just to know him. He brought cookies and that chocolatey thing you used to make me on days when it rained. He asked about your absence, how without you, the world seems quieter and less entertaining and fun and expressed his longing and concern for you. He told me that everything has a solution and that I should look for it. I knew the solution all along. It lies only in you. And apparently you guys fixed up some sort of a movie schedule or the likes every Friday evening. It's Friday tonight. Will you come? Wll you stay the night and go to bed with me? For now I go to bed with a black hole in my heart. And as I fill that abyss wth nothing that would work, I think about the things we could have done, words we could have said if we were still together now.

But I've grown even quieter than when I first realized I was deaf. Largely because a whole significant portion of me is missing or has been overshadowed by loneliness. I've eventually realized the difference between solitude and loneliness and what harsh lesson I had to go through. I'd recall posing that question in class and understanding no more than beyond the context. Now, I more than understand it. I feel it, each day.

liebe Ich Sie immer und mein Herz gehört nur Ihnen und sonst niemandem

Liebe,
Liesl
28 März 2002