A lot has gone on lately. Relevations, appreciations for things and/ people that have always exist around and near me and my heart and the direction my career would go and also, yes, before I forget (like I could ever), my new tattoo.
I love to be alive now, although it is largely filled with work and more work and I think, work. But all this hard work only proves that I am meant for something much larger than exhaustion. For those who don't know and would like to know, I am currently working with Resort World Sentosa, and for 3 months next 8th. I am under Universal Studios Singapore, Food & Beverage Department. I am going to be attached to one of the many outlets that are due to open (fingers crossed) some time next year. And for as long as I have lived, cooking was never part of my life. Both parents work their guts out so most of my life, I've ate only takeouts. I am constantly brown-bagging and frustrated about where to go and eat what everyday (and still am) and on top of that, I am always eating alone and so naturally, and gradually, I developed a habit of not eating or rather not finishing my food. But there are issues on top of being a brown-bagger my entire life that I will talk about, maybe in the later parts of this entry. I got a good feeling about this.
Anyway, I can't do anything else or think about anything else but the food that I am eating if I ever wanna finish it. I can't pause because when I do, I stop wanting to eat and it's a regular pattern and just recently, a friend pointed out that I never finish my meal and I'm like, hmm, and did a very philosophical-y looking nod, something knowingly. I am therefore very determined to quit that habit of not finishing and hello, look at the world, people are starving and I hope it work. It will.
So back to my career choice, (sorry if I derail a little) if you had read an entry I wrote some time back, there is this desperate plea for a position in the print media industry or journalism. I realized I really wanted to a film screenwriter. To put what I have in mind up on stage so everyone gets a share of what out of nothing, I have created something. But it was not to be. With more than just twists and fate and luck thrown in, I was enrolled under the tuition of the Culinary Institute of America (one of the prestigious schools of culinary arts in the States) at Temasek Polytechnic and I just graduated from a 3 year course end of February. And there was this sort of recruitment drive thing going on with RWS and TP so that's really how I got in. Anyone could tell you how tough it could be to waking up at 6am every morning, and going to work an hour away and doing things you don't necessarily enjoy or found meaning in and then on top of that, colleagues who were your coursemates who have different ideas to working as a responsible, open-hearted and minded adult. My probation was ending and so I have to make a choice between staying in Culinary or quit altogether and live on air and without money and false hopes that my resume would be pick up one day by a employer who is willing to trust and train me. And out of practicality and conventional reasons that I suck so bad at saving money, I chose Culinary. I chose to stay with my Executive Chef, at least for the next one year or so. I have expressed to him my lack of passion in Culinary although I don't hate it. And I wish for him to ignite the missing spark so we'll see how it goes. Right now, I'm just doing my job, whatever it is. Oh, there is a 2-day recruitment drive this coming weekend where the employment center place is, within walking distance from Redhill MRT. There are a lot of openings so do check it out!
Ok, so now let's talk about the appreciation for things and/ people around me. For the past decade, I've been fighting with myself and it would have ended in imminent bloodshed if weren't for the relevations I am going to seuge into right now. I'm too nice and too dumb for my own good and that's what it is. And also I don't love myself. I can't imagine loving another human being more than I should myself but I do. And of course, needless to say, I ended up pretty battered and scarred, all the time. And I'll usually just sit myself down and beat myself over the head with an imaginary sledge hammer so I wouldn't repeat the mistake again but I do it over and over again, just on a different person. It's stupid I know but I thought I couldn't leave it. But I am now :)
There are a few people I would like to say thanks, cause you were an integral part of the process of discovering who I am. And I thank you for the hurt you may have caused, consciously or not because the scars you have put on my heart, I've learnt to survive. And I will always survive. It's just time and new perspectives is all. And thanks for the memories, even when they come in back-breaking heavy baggages. And I have to thank a few others whom I've every honor and pleasure of knowing and keeping. I certainly hope you guys know who you are because without you guys, I would have just disintegrate literally into ashes and yes, pun intended :P I don't know if I am doing enough but I guess by taking good care of myself is a good first step. I am sure to spread that love cause that's what I do too. When I know how to love and care for myself, I wish to embark on a journey of helping others, like volunteer work cause I believe that is the most true and quickest way of feeling happiness with shared happiness. I've always wanted to make a person's day, to put a smile on his/her face so I could tick off the invisible boxes on my invisible self-listed quota :)
And tattoos. Wow, it's a word the invoked a lot of pain, a lot of money, a lot of time spent in pain, and conflicts with a lot of people, including my dear family. My mom wanted to disown me the last time I got tattooed and that tattoo, I would admit openly was a stupid mistake. People, please, please, I beg of you, do mull over the decision of getting tattooed if you are, even if you take a while. It's well worth it. Anyway, I got a key then, wrapped around my wrist, which is wrong, if you're getting a key cause usually with tattoos, you have to place it where you can see it in its entirety. So I contemplated a cover-up but I didn't come up with nothing concrete or substantial. I was with a friend at a tattoo parlor, on a Thursday evening and ended up getting a cover-up of 2 portraits of women. The tattoo started 8.30pm Thursday and didn't end until 4.30am Friday morning and I had to go to work straight. I never knew how much physical pain I could endure without food and water or any other kind of support but I made it through and these photos are taken immediately after the tattoo is done and here goes:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aschleigetara/
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