Dear Love,
We had agreed to go by the bookstore today, to pick up yet a new set of books, a new set of babies home. It’s what we do, every day off, every ounce of free time we may have at our disposal. Reading has been a lifelong cultivation and passion. Before you, I had Ma. And a long time after Ma, I only had myself to be and now, the Goddess has blessed me with you by my side.
I might not always listen to you it, but every time you did, just before we sleep, you bring me to this magical world where whether I am deaf or otherwise matters without significance. I love the way your voice danced over each syllabi, the way your tongue would lick your lips absently when you’re all engrossed creating a world with every word spoken, with every quirky expression swept across your face and the way your eyes looked into mine. I love how you sometimes took it slow and then quickly again, just for the fun of it and how I had to fight down the surging urge to end your every punctuation with a kiss. Of course, I had a hard time going back to the collection for now each and every alphabet that has been delicately tasted by your mouth and rolled off your tongue is a constant reminder that you’re not here. None of what I’ve picked up were any interesting, except for this manuscript I found carelessly tucked away at the end of the corner of my bedside drawer.
I recognize the handwriting like it was mine. My eyes followed the scrawled lines like a predator fixated on its prey. There were only about two pages or so and what they brought to me was the vorspeisen, something that played on my tongue and teased my mind like a willful fairy. You wrote of an extraordinary kingdom with handsome, heroic princes, and gorgeous princesses of diverse colors and what abilities they possessed! The drama that interweaved the lives of the characters unfolds right before my eyes. I love especially the one who wields the power of Mother Nature at his fingertips and with just a movement of his eyeballs, and the other one who reads minds like an open book and had answers for the world yet always ever so willing to learn. What took my breath away instantly was the way the princesses had made passionate and erotic love all through the night, their lives. Oh god, I could almost feel your soft, warm lips on mine and your teeth biting down on my nipples and the way my body climaxes when it peaked. Promise me you would never stop writing.
Where will you be today? Should I avoid the bookstore so I could ignore every desire to run up to you, and kiss you when I see your soft shadow creeping slowly into our favorite café? Or do I go up to you and say hi and ask about your day and tell you mine, wearing the façade that all is well? All this thinking and avoiding and fake smiling is tearing me apart. I didn’t realize in time how this decision to leave will wreck up my life and yours. Isn’t it supposed to progress towards light, towards a scenario where the Goddess returns you to me, more enlightened and fulfilled and even more inseparable this time? Why am I in such misery? How could I not be strong enough? Is this what they said about how it’s the darkest before dawn? How it’s the most painful when the knife plunged into your chest needs to be removed so you could begin to heal? On most days, the knife protrudes from my heart awkwardly and I carry on with life pretending it was just ornament when it’s anything but. Every day I wish things were different, that you didn’t do what you did, that you didn’t betray my love and trust in you, that we didn’t break up. Nothing in this world changes the truth though, just like the fact that I’ll always love you.
liebe Ich Sie immer und mein Herz gehört nur Ihnen und sonst niemandem
Liebe,
Liesl
3 April 2002
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