彻夜不眠的我决意大胆挑战过去
独自坐在阳台角落凝视着离自己好远的月亮、星星
感觉就像已遗失很久的过往
再怎么努力伸手都捉不到
你说当爱相随，能完美一切不完美
少了你的爱我被困在残酷而不完美的世界
持续在陌生人群中迷惘 流泪 流浪着
天天等着自己提起勇气挥别过去
只能妄想将冰冷回忆灌醉
啤酒拼命往肚子里灌
酒精却效用不大 只留我不断在悲痛里兜圈子
反复割划着旧伤口
脑海里浮现的简单感伤
像旧朋友般如何赶都不走
不能和你一起的日子总觉得少了什么
心里那份坚强却多了寂寞的陪伴
过去的快乐也随之而蒸发
我的世界少了颜色、新的启发
深夜了 我依然醒着
手中拿着你的照片 拿着念了第四遍的信
信封都不知道跑到哪去了
醒着醒着 天也亮了
我看见了新的曙光 提醒着我是时候收拾心情 振作起来
望着在路上频繁驰过的车辆
我听到了一声巨响 玻璃被强力击碎的声音
我的心跳瞬间停止 呼吸变得仓促
心碎了
眼前变黑了
醒过来发现自己躺在你的卧房里
是耳边隐约传来的吵闹声吵醒了我
我认得这声音
是我俩第一次吵架
是我一次有一次让你心碎，导致你决意离我而去的声音
望着四周环境依旧清晰
我们就好像从没离开过那样
黑白相框中的我们对着我傻傻微笑着
似乎想提醒我些什么
我下了床让站稳在地板上的脚踝告诉我这不是梦
我慢慢走向房门却发现自己被反锁在房里
不管我如何挣扎都无法把门打开
就像自己的心一样，被自己牢牢地锁著
你离开后我记得我有点伤心
而伤心会让人不想爱自己
也就只好暂时把你停搁在心中某处里, 暂时不爱你
拉开距离 发现爱你的曾经离自己好远好远
这爱你的火把也已被现实的时间熄灭
房间弥漫着你的气息
离开也是新的出发
耐心等待 等着有一天忽然想起你
你离开的原因再也不想提起
再翻出旧日记从新写起
门外吵闹声似乎已渐渐喊停
这时才领悟到声音其实源自自己脑里
其实一点都不真实
只是上帝和自己开的一个玩笑
才刚看完一场电影，还没透彻地淋完一场雨
就强烈意识到生命里缺少了什么
是幸福和一点勇气
除了把伞之外，心里明白到必须绕过你曾给过我幸福的街道
才能得到自由
认识你之前，我是个轻易释怀，一个因为淋了一场大雨而觉得被解放的懵懂小孩
失去你之后我成了个懂得隐藏伤痛的大人
一个酷爱伤害而不自爱的大人
我变得不懂得如何真心对待生命、自己
后来的我，每天看着脆弱坚强天天互相作战
搞得彼此遍体鳞伤
也搞得自己狼狈不堪
日子天昏地暗
我想你一定觉得我很可笑
我的耐心逐渐被时间拉长了
了解着生命的路上即使一个人也能开心走完
在路上结识到的人与事是上帝贴心点缀
收藏在我心里你的笑容曾是我心情温度计
心跳也只因为你
过去过度依赖你的我现在心胸宽大
等着吸收世界精华
等着有一天好起来
等着有一天找回那懵懂小孩，将她紧紧搂在怀抱里
就这样吧
故事结束了
你写的信也念完了。
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Letters, Strings and All VIII
Dear Love,
We had agreed to go by the bookstore today, to pick up yet a new set of books, a new set of babies home. It’s what we do, every day off, every ounce of free time we may have at our disposal. Reading has been a lifelong cultivation and passion. Before you, I had Ma. And a long time after Ma, I only had myself to be and now, the Goddess has blessed me with you by my side.
I might not always listen to you it, but every time you did, just before we sleep, you bring me to this magical world where whether I am deaf or otherwise matters without significance. I love the way your voice danced over each syllabi, the way your tongue would lick your lips absently when you’re all engrossed creating a world with every word spoken, with every quirky expression swept across your face and the way your eyes looked into mine. I love how you sometimes took it slow and then quickly again, just for the fun of it and how I had to fight down the surging urge to end your every punctuation with a kiss. Of course, I had a hard time going back to the collection for now each and every alphabet that has been delicately tasted by your mouth and rolled off your tongue is a constant reminder that you’re not here. None of what I’ve picked up were any interesting, except for this manuscript I found carelessly tucked away at the end of the corner of my bedside drawer.
I recognize the handwriting like it was mine. My eyes followed the scrawled lines like a predator fixated on its prey. There were only about two pages or so and what they brought to me was the vorspeisen, something that played on my tongue and teased my mind like a willful fairy. You wrote of an extraordinary kingdom with handsome, heroic princes, and gorgeous princesses of diverse colors and what abilities they possessed! The drama that interweaved the lives of the characters unfolds right before my eyes. I love especially the one who wields the power of Mother Nature at his fingertips and with just a movement of his eyeballs, and the other one who reads minds like an open book and had answers for the world yet always ever so willing to learn. What took my breath away instantly was the way the princesses had made passionate and erotic love all through the night, their lives. Oh god, I could almost feel your soft, warm lips on mine and your teeth biting down on my nipples and the way my body climaxes when it peaked. Promise me you would never stop writing.
Where will you be today? Should I avoid the bookstore so I could ignore every desire to run up to you, and kiss you when I see your soft shadow creeping slowly into our favorite café? Or do I go up to you and say hi and ask about your day and tell you mine, wearing the façade that all is well? All this thinking and avoiding and fake smiling is tearing me apart. I didn’t realize in time how this decision to leave will wreck up my life and yours. Isn’t it supposed to progress towards light, towards a scenario where the Goddess returns you to me, more enlightened and fulfilled and even more inseparable this time? Why am I in such misery? How could I not be strong enough? Is this what they said about how it’s the darkest before dawn? How it’s the most painful when the knife plunged into your chest needs to be removed so you could begin to heal? On most days, the knife protrudes from my heart awkwardly and I carry on with life pretending it was just ornament when it’s anything but. Every day I wish things were different, that you didn’t do what you did, that you didn’t betray my love and trust in you, that we didn’t break up. Nothing in this world changes the truth though, just like the fact that I’ll always love you.
liebe Ich Sie immer und mein Herz gehört nur Ihnen und sonst niemandem
Liebe,
Liesl
3 April 2002
We had agreed to go by the bookstore today, to pick up yet a new set of books, a new set of babies home. It’s what we do, every day off, every ounce of free time we may have at our disposal. Reading has been a lifelong cultivation and passion. Before you, I had Ma. And a long time after Ma, I only had myself to be and now, the Goddess has blessed me with you by my side.
I might not always listen to you it, but every time you did, just before we sleep, you bring me to this magical world where whether I am deaf or otherwise matters without significance. I love the way your voice danced over each syllabi, the way your tongue would lick your lips absently when you’re all engrossed creating a world with every word spoken, with every quirky expression swept across your face and the way your eyes looked into mine. I love how you sometimes took it slow and then quickly again, just for the fun of it and how I had to fight down the surging urge to end your every punctuation with a kiss. Of course, I had a hard time going back to the collection for now each and every alphabet that has been delicately tasted by your mouth and rolled off your tongue is a constant reminder that you’re not here. None of what I’ve picked up were any interesting, except for this manuscript I found carelessly tucked away at the end of the corner of my bedside drawer.
I recognize the handwriting like it was mine. My eyes followed the scrawled lines like a predator fixated on its prey. There were only about two pages or so and what they brought to me was the vorspeisen, something that played on my tongue and teased my mind like a willful fairy. You wrote of an extraordinary kingdom with handsome, heroic princes, and gorgeous princesses of diverse colors and what abilities they possessed! The drama that interweaved the lives of the characters unfolds right before my eyes. I love especially the one who wields the power of Mother Nature at his fingertips and with just a movement of his eyeballs, and the other one who reads minds like an open book and had answers for the world yet always ever so willing to learn. What took my breath away instantly was the way the princesses had made passionate and erotic love all through the night, their lives. Oh god, I could almost feel your soft, warm lips on mine and your teeth biting down on my nipples and the way my body climaxes when it peaked. Promise me you would never stop writing.
Where will you be today? Should I avoid the bookstore so I could ignore every desire to run up to you, and kiss you when I see your soft shadow creeping slowly into our favorite café? Or do I go up to you and say hi and ask about your day and tell you mine, wearing the façade that all is well? All this thinking and avoiding and fake smiling is tearing me apart. I didn’t realize in time how this decision to leave will wreck up my life and yours. Isn’t it supposed to progress towards light, towards a scenario where the Goddess returns you to me, more enlightened and fulfilled and even more inseparable this time? Why am I in such misery? How could I not be strong enough? Is this what they said about how it’s the darkest before dawn? How it’s the most painful when the knife plunged into your chest needs to be removed so you could begin to heal? On most days, the knife protrudes from my heart awkwardly and I carry on with life pretending it was just ornament when it’s anything but. Every day I wish things were different, that you didn’t do what you did, that you didn’t betray my love and trust in you, that we didn’t break up. Nothing in this world changes the truth though, just like the fact that I’ll always love you.
liebe Ich Sie immer und mein Herz gehört nur Ihnen und sonst niemandem
Liebe,
Liesl
3 April 2002
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Just Wait.
Tonight and for the rest of the days, I just wanna be in my favorite clothes and pair of shoes and my IPOD and start walking. To start walking to nowhere and somewhere. It's the journey that counts, right or so they say. Hopefully, on a good day, I'll find myself back to you, where I'd pick up and may I rest only in your arms and basked in the glory of our love. Time will stand still in the face of our contentment and the blisters on my foot, my weathered expression will come to heal and a smile will take its place..Just wait.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Rain Check
A lot has gone on lately. Relevations, appreciations for things and/ people that have always exist around and near me and my heart and the direction my career would go and also, yes, before I forget (like I could ever), my new tattoo.
I love to be alive now, although it is largely filled with work and more work and I think, work. But all this hard work only proves that I am meant for something much larger than exhaustion. For those who don't know and would like to know, I am currently working with Resort World Sentosa, and for 3 months next 8th. I am under Universal Studios Singapore, Food & Beverage Department. I am going to be attached to one of the many outlets that are due to open (fingers crossed) some time next year. And for as long as I have lived, cooking was never part of my life. Both parents work their guts out so most of my life, I've ate only takeouts. I am constantly brown-bagging and frustrated about where to go and eat what everyday (and still am) and on top of that, I am always eating alone and so naturally, and gradually, I developed a habit of not eating or rather not finishing my food. But there are issues on top of being a brown-bagger my entire life that I will talk about, maybe in the later parts of this entry. I got a good feeling about this.
Anyway, I can't do anything else or think about anything else but the food that I am eating if I ever wanna finish it. I can't pause because when I do, I stop wanting to eat and it's a regular pattern and just recently, a friend pointed out that I never finish my meal and I'm like, hmm, and did a very philosophical-y looking nod, something knowingly. I am therefore very determined to quit that habit of not finishing and hello, look at the world, people are starving and I hope it work. It will.
So back to my career choice, (sorry if I derail a little) if you had read an entry I wrote some time back, there is this desperate plea for a position in the print media industry or journalism. I realized I really wanted to a film screenwriter. To put what I have in mind up on stage so everyone gets a share of what out of nothing, I have created something. But it was not to be. With more than just twists and fate and luck thrown in, I was enrolled under the tuition of the Culinary Institute of America (one of the prestigious schools of culinary arts in the States) at Temasek Polytechnic and I just graduated from a 3 year course end of February. And there was this sort of recruitment drive thing going on with RWS and TP so that's really how I got in. Anyone could tell you how tough it could be to waking up at 6am every morning, and going to work an hour away and doing things you don't necessarily enjoy or found meaning in and then on top of that, colleagues who were your coursemates who have different ideas to working as a responsible, open-hearted and minded adult. My probation was ending and so I have to make a choice between staying in Culinary or quit altogether and live on air and without money and false hopes that my resume would be pick up one day by a employer who is willing to trust and train me. And out of practicality and conventional reasons that I suck so bad at saving money, I chose Culinary. I chose to stay with my Executive Chef, at least for the next one year or so. I have expressed to him my lack of passion in Culinary although I don't hate it. And I wish for him to ignite the missing spark so we'll see how it goes. Right now, I'm just doing my job, whatever it is. Oh, there is a 2-day recruitment drive this coming weekend where the employment center place is, within walking distance from Redhill MRT. There are a lot of openings so do check it out!
Ok, so now let's talk about the appreciation for things and/ people around me. For the past decade, I've been fighting with myself and it would have ended in imminent bloodshed if weren't for the relevations I am going to seuge into right now. I'm too nice and too dumb for my own good and that's what it is. And also I don't love myself. I can't imagine loving another human being more than I should myself but I do. And of course, needless to say, I ended up pretty battered and scarred, all the time. And I'll usually just sit myself down and beat myself over the head with an imaginary sledge hammer so I wouldn't repeat the mistake again but I do it over and over again, just on a different person. It's stupid I know but I thought I couldn't leave it. But I am now :)
There are a few people I would like to say thanks, cause you were an integral part of the process of discovering who I am. And I thank you for the hurt you may have caused, consciously or not because the scars you have put on my heart, I've learnt to survive. And I will always survive. It's just time and new perspectives is all. And thanks for the memories, even when they come in back-breaking heavy baggages. And I have to thank a few others whom I've every honor and pleasure of knowing and keeping. I certainly hope you guys know who you are because without you guys, I would have just disintegrate literally into ashes and yes, pun intended :P I don't know if I am doing enough but I guess by taking good care of myself is a good first step. I am sure to spread that love cause that's what I do too. When I know how to love and care for myself, I wish to embark on a journey of helping others, like volunteer work cause I believe that is the most true and quickest way of feeling happiness with shared happiness. I've always wanted to make a person's day, to put a smile on his/her face so I could tick off the invisible boxes on my invisible self-listed quota :)
And tattoos. Wow, it's a word the invoked a lot of pain, a lot of money, a lot of time spent in pain, and conflicts with a lot of people, including my dear family. My mom wanted to disown me the last time I got tattooed and that tattoo, I would admit openly was a stupid mistake. People, please, please, I beg of you, do mull over the decision of getting tattooed if you are, even if you take a while. It's well worth it. Anyway, I got a key then, wrapped around my wrist, which is wrong, if you're getting a key cause usually with tattoos, you have to place it where you can see it in its entirety. So I contemplated a cover-up but I didn't come up with nothing concrete or substantial. I was with a friend at a tattoo parlor, on a Thursday evening and ended up getting a cover-up of 2 portraits of women. The tattoo started 8.30pm Thursday and didn't end until 4.30am Friday morning and I had to go to work straight. I never knew how much physical pain I could endure without food and water or any other kind of support but I made it through and these photos are taken immediately after the tattoo is done and here goes:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aschleigetara/
I love to be alive now, although it is largely filled with work and more work and I think, work. But all this hard work only proves that I am meant for something much larger than exhaustion. For those who don't know and would like to know, I am currently working with Resort World Sentosa, and for 3 months next 8th. I am under Universal Studios Singapore, Food & Beverage Department. I am going to be attached to one of the many outlets that are due to open (fingers crossed) some time next year. And for as long as I have lived, cooking was never part of my life. Both parents work their guts out so most of my life, I've ate only takeouts. I am constantly brown-bagging and frustrated about where to go and eat what everyday (and still am) and on top of that, I am always eating alone and so naturally, and gradually, I developed a habit of not eating or rather not finishing my food. But there are issues on top of being a brown-bagger my entire life that I will talk about, maybe in the later parts of this entry. I got a good feeling about this.
Anyway, I can't do anything else or think about anything else but the food that I am eating if I ever wanna finish it. I can't pause because when I do, I stop wanting to eat and it's a regular pattern and just recently, a friend pointed out that I never finish my meal and I'm like, hmm, and did a very philosophical-y looking nod, something knowingly. I am therefore very determined to quit that habit of not finishing and hello, look at the world, people are starving and I hope it work. It will.
So back to my career choice, (sorry if I derail a little) if you had read an entry I wrote some time back, there is this desperate plea for a position in the print media industry or journalism. I realized I really wanted to a film screenwriter. To put what I have in mind up on stage so everyone gets a share of what out of nothing, I have created something. But it was not to be. With more than just twists and fate and luck thrown in, I was enrolled under the tuition of the Culinary Institute of America (one of the prestigious schools of culinary arts in the States) at Temasek Polytechnic and I just graduated from a 3 year course end of February. And there was this sort of recruitment drive thing going on with RWS and TP so that's really how I got in. Anyone could tell you how tough it could be to waking up at 6am every morning, and going to work an hour away and doing things you don't necessarily enjoy or found meaning in and then on top of that, colleagues who were your coursemates who have different ideas to working as a responsible, open-hearted and minded adult. My probation was ending and so I have to make a choice between staying in Culinary or quit altogether and live on air and without money and false hopes that my resume would be pick up one day by a employer who is willing to trust and train me. And out of practicality and conventional reasons that I suck so bad at saving money, I chose Culinary. I chose to stay with my Executive Chef, at least for the next one year or so. I have expressed to him my lack of passion in Culinary although I don't hate it. And I wish for him to ignite the missing spark so we'll see how it goes. Right now, I'm just doing my job, whatever it is. Oh, there is a 2-day recruitment drive this coming weekend where the employment center place is, within walking distance from Redhill MRT. There are a lot of openings so do check it out!
Ok, so now let's talk about the appreciation for things and/ people around me. For the past decade, I've been fighting with myself and it would have ended in imminent bloodshed if weren't for the relevations I am going to seuge into right now. I'm too nice and too dumb for my own good and that's what it is. And also I don't love myself. I can't imagine loving another human being more than I should myself but I do. And of course, needless to say, I ended up pretty battered and scarred, all the time. And I'll usually just sit myself down and beat myself over the head with an imaginary sledge hammer so I wouldn't repeat the mistake again but I do it over and over again, just on a different person. It's stupid I know but I thought I couldn't leave it. But I am now :)
There are a few people I would like to say thanks, cause you were an integral part of the process of discovering who I am. And I thank you for the hurt you may have caused, consciously or not because the scars you have put on my heart, I've learnt to survive. And I will always survive. It's just time and new perspectives is all. And thanks for the memories, even when they come in back-breaking heavy baggages. And I have to thank a few others whom I've every honor and pleasure of knowing and keeping. I certainly hope you guys know who you are because without you guys, I would have just disintegrate literally into ashes and yes, pun intended :P I don't know if I am doing enough but I guess by taking good care of myself is a good first step. I am sure to spread that love cause that's what I do too. When I know how to love and care for myself, I wish to embark on a journey of helping others, like volunteer work cause I believe that is the most true and quickest way of feeling happiness with shared happiness. I've always wanted to make a person's day, to put a smile on his/her face so I could tick off the invisible boxes on my invisible self-listed quota :)
And tattoos. Wow, it's a word the invoked a lot of pain, a lot of money, a lot of time spent in pain, and conflicts with a lot of people, including my dear family. My mom wanted to disown me the last time I got tattooed and that tattoo, I would admit openly was a stupid mistake. People, please, please, I beg of you, do mull over the decision of getting tattooed if you are, even if you take a while. It's well worth it. Anyway, I got a key then, wrapped around my wrist, which is wrong, if you're getting a key cause usually with tattoos, you have to place it where you can see it in its entirety. So I contemplated a cover-up but I didn't come up with nothing concrete or substantial. I was with a friend at a tattoo parlor, on a Thursday evening and ended up getting a cover-up of 2 portraits of women. The tattoo started 8.30pm Thursday and didn't end until 4.30am Friday morning and I had to go to work straight. I never knew how much physical pain I could endure without food and water or any other kind of support but I made it through and these photos are taken immediately after the tattoo is done and here goes:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aschleigetara/
救生圈
我不在乎 我就是爱哭
控制不了泪落下的速度
不在乎 太容易认输
说我傻我天真是个错误
需要再失去多少次的幸福
我才能觉悟
在每一个失望都藏着个希望
但我总是困在一艘没有救生圈的船
有些人只该欣赏 而不该去爱上
但我依然打开我的心再次受了伤
我哭够了
从这一刻我也该反省了
© 蔡健雅, 若你碰到他~ Track 7, 救生圈~
http://www.haoting.com/musiclist/ht_5004bccc764183b4.htm
控制不了泪落下的速度
不在乎 太容易认输
说我傻我天真是个错误
需要再失去多少次的幸福
我才能觉悟
在每一个失望都藏着个希望
但我总是困在一艘没有救生圈的船
有些人只该欣赏 而不该去爱上
但我依然打开我的心再次受了伤
我哭够了
从这一刻我也该反省了
© 蔡健雅, 若你碰到他~ Track 7, 救生圈~
http://www.haoting.com/musiclist/ht_5004bccc764183b4.htm
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Like the strangers who have passed you by, do you wish you know a little bit more about them apart from the distinctive color of their eye, the tales they could have told you if you had stopped for a while?
Like the sky you've been under forever, do you remember the last time it rain and you heard thunder rumbling over your head? The odd shapes the clouds took and the shades of blue
Like the last joke or compliment you have heard, do you still hear the lingering laughter and sincerity in your ears?
Like the last meal you’ve had, do you remember to stop for a minute just to savor, like it’d be the last meal you would ever have?
Do you remember your first kiss? The first beat your heart made for anyone else but yourself?
Like the hand you have just let go of, how long would you remember its warmth? And how tightly would you hold on to it the next time you hold it?
Like the person you have just bade goodnight, did you remember to place a soft kiss on his/her forehead and tell him/her with all your heart you love them?
Do you remember the last word you said last night, to the person you love or were pissed at?
Like the lights you have just so carelessly left on, do you see the earth withering away?
Like the sky you've been under forever, do you remember the last time it rain and you heard thunder rumbling over your head? The odd shapes the clouds took and the shades of blue
Like the last joke or compliment you have heard, do you still hear the lingering laughter and sincerity in your ears?
Like the last meal you’ve had, do you remember to stop for a minute just to savor, like it’d be the last meal you would ever have?
Do you remember your first kiss? The first beat your heart made for anyone else but yourself?
Like the hand you have just let go of, how long would you remember its warmth? And how tightly would you hold on to it the next time you hold it?
Like the person you have just bade goodnight, did you remember to place a soft kiss on his/her forehead and tell him/her with all your heart you love them?
Do you remember the last word you said last night, to the person you love or were pissed at?
Like the lights you have just so carelessly left on, do you see the earth withering away?
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I have been telling myself that I should let whatever that has happened happen, that I will not try to fix anything or make anything work or convince anyone to talk to me again. And so it is done.
I am leaving their lives now, which I am quite sure pleases them immensely. Who was I in their lives I used to wanna know, I used to wanna measure with a pinch of salt but is now something I do not mind. I love them both and I'll always will, until I can't love, until I die, though they will never know.
I have to now learn to love myself, because no one would be able to like I do. To give myself as much attention and affection, to boldly do things I would never otherwise have done. It's not an easy task. I've spent my life pouring my heart out for someone else and I have always ended up feeling short-changed because no one would be able to match up to what I've given without question. The only one who did that is now dead and as much as I still love her, she can't love me anymore. She can't care for me and give me what I need. So I have to be the one who gives myself it, whatever it actually is.
I have to also quit being so emotional and sensitive, about someone else. I have to capture the moment of rationality and keep it. Some people are just not worth it. This is change, on a molecular basis. It's not just like a sun burnt. It's more like a change in the way I sense and react to everything and everyone. It is about what and who I would eventually attract into my life and in good faith. So I guess, we'll see if I'll do better.
I am leaving their lives now, which I am quite sure pleases them immensely. Who was I in their lives I used to wanna know, I used to wanna measure with a pinch of salt but is now something I do not mind. I love them both and I'll always will, until I can't love, until I die, though they will never know.
I have to now learn to love myself, because no one would be able to like I do. To give myself as much attention and affection, to boldly do things I would never otherwise have done. It's not an easy task. I've spent my life pouring my heart out for someone else and I have always ended up feeling short-changed because no one would be able to match up to what I've given without question. The only one who did that is now dead and as much as I still love her, she can't love me anymore. She can't care for me and give me what I need. So I have to be the one who gives myself it, whatever it actually is.
I have to also quit being so emotional and sensitive, about someone else. I have to capture the moment of rationality and keep it. Some people are just not worth it. This is change, on a molecular basis. It's not just like a sun burnt. It's more like a change in the way I sense and react to everything and everyone. It is about what and who I would eventually attract into my life and in good faith. So I guess, we'll see if I'll do better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)