Gonna Get Myself Out From Underneath

"For Ashleige Tara, this I char

Let Lethe's Bramble do its chore

Purge her memories of grim, of pains from recent slights and sins

When the fire goes out, when the crystal turns black, the spell will be cast

Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa"



A spell to purge memories grim, to be relieved of all pains and sins...after all these years I'm supposed it's high time I learn how to live. To move on with no burden and without my past. And God, no more tears!



I'm sorting out my life. School reopens well, yesterday of next month and I wanna be able to get by the last semester without too much of a bloody scratch. I'm thinking of making my willingness and availability known to my potential employers out there, you know, sending of my resumé, and arranging interviews and the likes. CA*California has unofficially offered me a full-time position. It might look good on my resumé, secure a façade some sort that resembled a working experience before I go out or it could be just something that's kinda just stopping the inevitable - that I'm better for something else. Neither way, I'm not losing out.


I have always wondered if I should stay in the kitchen. I mean, what kind of person would willingly fit that kind of insanity into their lives, to never ever be around for anything. I never wanted my life to be revolving around working. Working isn't what my life is. Living is. Packing as much living into my body is what I was meant to do. A day job is merely a tool to do that. And you have to be real blessed to really enjoy what you do.

And doing what I do now, it takes you to a place where you just don't feel anymore. You just kept doing the same thing over and over again, with no real feelings attached to it. It's like moving on to the next thing, you have to finish what's now and you really wouldn't give a fuck. Maybe it's Sunday.

Revelation in Pieces II

As the night darkens, and the day writhed away in rightful death, I’ve never been clearer. The things I yearn, I could almost taste my desires, you know if I weren’t already dead tired or at least working hard at it…I wanted to start anew. I’ve already begged for my forgiveness and that green light has lit for me to move on. I’ve given her everything, every fiber of me.

I had an addiction, perhaps I still have it. It’s sort of semi-open one and not enough to be a secret. And everyone has seen it in my eyes and reasons why I cry, the object of desire in the Gods’ eyes. I can’t quite remember enough to go back anyway. She wouldn’t take me back anymore.

Today, a friend asked me a question, if I was feeling alright. He understands I've been spending too much 'me time' and he and I know what happen when that happens. And it was surprising, to me anyway. The words that came out from my head was "grounded", "normal" and the likes. No one would usually put me along with those words in the same sentence. Nor would I. Maybe all of this is slipping away, slowly.

The imaginary better half of me must leave now. I watched her, walkin' out in stride the confines of my mind, freed from a selfish burden, freed from me, her ex-lover, her ex-world. She bid goodbye and smiled, turning her head at me for the last time. She looked so happy. And I look at her disappear. Freedom's the new kind of happiness I gave her and it was for her to keep. What is the real world anyway? What is us? All living things simply decay and die away. The only truth lies in our hearts.

Time to Move On, Me

Dear fond readers,
I thought I shared this with you. I've gotten a key, a golden one Monday afternooon, 8/9/08. It took like 3 hours. It's healing, and the ink is kinda like bleeding through the skin now and my wrist hurts. I'll put another photo up when it heals completely. Do feel free to comment on it if you like in the little box on your right but not too harshly, please and nothing too negative.

It meant to guide, to help me remember things. Reasons are of my own and personal and some of you might think it stupid but you also realize that I don't quite give a fuck what you think so...This is my 4th tattoo or rather my 3½th tattoo if you wanna get technical. I have a thing for perpetuality and images, pictures, symbols, letters, alphabets etc. Sometimes, words fail me and so I turn to images. Hopefully the healing goes fine because this is the first tattoo that I did at a different shop so we'll just have to wait and see. I've never quite experience color bleeding this intense before but I have good faith and so will you guys.

Would You Please?

Would you please let me slide a few words under your door
And would you please let me slide a few words under your door

The first 3 say "I Love You"
The last 5 "But I can't no more"
I don't believe in miracles
Not like I did before

And would you please
Let me slide a few words under your door
And would you please try to understand

There's a paragraph or two
devoted to the memories that we shared
in the dramatized songs about how there'll be no more memories
No more memories
And if you'll notice in the corner
there's a tiny little heart I've enclosed
Like a little surprise (Oh Yes I did)
And if you'll please ignore the smeared smudged writing
It came from the tears in my eyes

You're probably gonna get it
After a long day
You may not even believe it's true
I know you know, you know, you know my crazy ways
Yeah, but Sleeping Beauty is going to bed
She put a little tiny hole in her own head
Gotta find her own way home
Before she's dead

©Rachael Yamagata EP ~Track 5, Would You Please~

No Questions Asked

I walked alone the darkened crowded streets, and I see the world through colored panes, dodging baffled glances as I travelled from one story to the next.

I barely acknowledge.

Do you speak my name and the sound of my voice etched in your brain?

I got fatigue and misery, the perfect company as we walked, powerful as three, impregnable like a warship.

I can’t walk no further from me, from the memories, for the truth and what’s drenched, in blood, in tears, unspoken words.

I can’t even begin to remember.

I’ve forgotten to forget, to erase what built me, dismissing the hand that supported me.

Hunger and thirst became a chore, communication with words an obligation, and waking up to each day a liability.

I’ve tried, to shed my glasses, to walk among the happy, to breathe easy.

And not lie or put up a front because things just ain’t that breezy walk in the park.

I am guilty, for grabbing every chance to let my mind wander, to let my soul burn

It gave me pleasure

It shared with me things that needed confirmation.

I hear laughters now, I'm sure you guys are laughing at me, poking fun

Hear me now, Silence.

You will obey me.

Quiet down, you contagious humanity, don't you all have an elsewhere to be?

I never ever wanna explain my actions or words I've said.

No one, no one should ever ask.

No one should ever be given an answer.

I am me, I am her, I am we.

Go away people, there is nothing to see.

Revelation in Pieces

I
am
so
very
happy
for
her.

I mean,
new car
new perspectives
and the whole big 'hey, i'm moving on' thing.

What can
come close?

Time
is borrowed
before
another apocalypse hits.

I don't know
how I'll deal
but I'm sure I will.

I mean, it's not the first.

Fresh crimson
on my white
taunted relentlessly,
cruel words, laughing hysterically
Reminding me
Of your untimely absence. Of your undeserving death.
You said it was ok,
the way to go if the Gods said so.
Because I'm still here,
breathing and dealing, growing.
And so will you, in my heart, immortalized.
I wish I've never forgotten.
That image of you, sitting in my room, half-asleep and dreaming about pretty things
, patience, and love, beaming through your very being
That blue...
That you...
I wish I've apologized
for all that I've done wrong.
I wish I've never made you cry
and question why
You know, I'm not bright.
Can't quite shine alone
without your light
Can't quite tell my left from right.
Could you ever forget me,
forget this life?
Will time make this right by erasing what's ours, mine?
I sure hope not, for hey, this can't be right.

I beg your forgiveness, love, for I harbored desires, to sleep at night
to dream lovely thoughts and not of screeching tires and broken glass
and not red
I wanna see the world, and you'll be right beside
I wanna touch lives, so your eyes shall shine with pride
And I wanna die, not alone, and with a loud sigh.
Would you,
allow me that?
I can't tell you who the person is yet.
That piece of good news, that new surge of emotions and life
On which my blood drives
She's not arrived.

She might never.
And I might cry a little
But it's ok
I can't push for what's not mine
Can't rush
Perhaps it's just not yet time.