I can't live without you

Why don't you kill me?

Why can't you take me with you?

I can't sing anymore, no sound
My heart doesn't beat anymore, just scarred and buried not soarin'

I don't walk in the sun no more,

Only in darkness will my footsteps leave bloody prints from that of a wrenching heart, my lover's blood

I can't always just forget you but I can't always remember you either

Your name, your eyes and your voice...sometimes I forget

Why you had to die and why shouldn't I...

As you kind souls would know, I have been fucking up to here with school and I was depressed about it. Thoughts of quitting school has eventually surfaced, bubbling and all like a bad brew. AND I was the least surprised when it did. Funny thing, isn't it? This was the first time that I felt so; that I can't handle it, that I can't pull rabbits out of hats. As the orange cloud loomed overhead and often I waked flustered and guilty, life remains on the orbit. I always knew obligations and responsibilites are fucking truckloads of scary heavy stuff but it is only when they started burying me that I know how heavy life can be, homework-wise anyway.

Let's do the math.

1. 8 proposals and essays, polytechnic & university (- western australia wine essay)
2. 4 class tests
3. 23 short article, 1 done (that is if they like what I do and would continue using me for the next 22)
4. 100,000 cover letters for the internship program that's due end of January
5. 4 end-of-year examinations
6. Liesl Tara Oppenheim
7. Life

To be complaining about 1 - 5 is like complaining about the color of day and night, why's one's clear and the other's dark...so I won't.

Let's talk about Tara and life then. I've made a tiny discovery today, that I could actually go by a day or rather weeks without thinking about Tara. But if I'm not thinking about her, it is only because I'm so stressed up about writing the 100,000,000,000th business proposal or essay. And I hated that. I mean, on any given day, I would so wanna cut myself up with thinking about Tara than to be so stressed about homework I can't sleep. You know what I mean? And yesterday I had a little downtime and I wanted to kinda revert to my old life and it came right back, like bees to honey. The tears came back, and some of that leftover anger and stuff...I was so happy. That's when I know I'm me again. That's when I know I'm alone too. And it doesn't matter.

Eva, wow, I'm so gonna hand it to her and her oblivion. It's exactly what I wanted though, to avoid an argument. 我从不相信自己会在世界的另一端找到她。更不能相信她所能带给我的一切希望、快乐和痛苦。她曾经让我相信信念的存在， 却也把它残酷地带走。And she told me nothing has changed. I don't know what has gone into me but I guess it's just a defense mechanism, a way to avoid more pain. And I think I am doing the right thing. I can't get close to her no more. I can't put myself out there in the bull's eye. I can't let her in again. I used to believe in her for everything, especially regarding our future. I have never knew how a truthful promise can became air when subjected to different circumstances of a person's will. At the rate I'm taking her promises at face value, the sooner I might go completely insane. Guess I had to learn everything the hard way. What's stupid is how I would go back to her every single time she has hurt me when it always hurts so bad.

Ever since Tara, I have never let anyone else in. I couldn't. And I was right, cause' whenever I do, I get hurt, someone else's get hurt and I hated that. I used to have my life all planned out, but all was lost and dashed when Tara died. And I have been a living corpse ever since, trying to grasp of the direction and meaning in life. I was born alone, and I would die alone too...

I have blood but it's so cold. I have a brain but I can't remember nor forget. I have a pair of eyes but they are only meant to cry. I have a mouth but I speak with doubt. I have a pair of ears but I could only hear slience. I have a good pair of hands but they are only writing words of angst.

<<在人与人来回试探眼神的言语
在爱与不爱等待与放弃的煎熬里。。。
在心与心破撞后开始保护自己
在放与不放沉淀与寂寞日子里。。。>>