God, I fucking hate my dad and I guess it counted, that for some odd reasons, I actually loved him or at least, tried to. He fathered me but he was never my dad and I wouldn't find out years after he's dead. What's wrong with me and this world? Why can't I love? Am I that bad? Can no one get near? Am I to die alone and quiet? No, this is unfair! Why can't I have him? Was it all because of what he had done? Or didn't bother to do? I wanted to love my father...I really do...I just....
I wanted to sought comfort from no one but me.

This is pretty much seething hatred for a man who fathered me. It's something that's fleeting, that comes and goes when something happens. And I'm just sitting with it, not knowing what to do but knowing exactly that this is how I feel and that there is nothing ashamed about it. But that doesn't mean I enjoyed it at all. I'm tired, and I have so many other things that I have to face alone and sometimes I don't know what to do. It's just that simple, a question but with no answer...

This is not supposed to be an angry entry, I'm not angry when I'm typing this entry. In fact I am just so tired from another project marathon. I think I should sleep.

Tonight I met up with my pals, Drew and Adeline and I didn't think I could have had a happier time. We went dinner, nothing too special about it and we talked. It was quality time well-spent. And I really love having them around and Drew's this really i don't know, persistent guy and I'm not sure if it's a good thing...



I'm gay, he's certainly not, in fact he's rather Christian. We would always be arguing about it from our own perspectives and POV and he would never in his life, this life anyway agree to what I say and we were like having a little debate competition going on earlier hanging out at Macdonald's and everyone around us seemed to be eavesdropping. It was a little mad that he can't see my orientation the way I see it and it frustrated me. He was and still is a very kind friend, a good man even. I mean he wanted happiness for me and I wanted happiness for myself and it wasn't even about winning or losing the argument but more of bringing across his points and make me see that I am indeed wrong. I get it. He and my brother would make a perfect pair. He would say this like all the freaking time and it's so funny what Adeline said about it. He would say this " 两个鸡蛋不会生出小鸡!" and Adeline said I should write it on my New Year couplet and hang it round. It was so funny when she said that. We were laughing like absolute crazy. I really love those guys.



We don't get to hang out a lot, Drew's in camp, Adeline's working and doing a part-time degree course and I have my own stuff to do but every time we meet out, we had the most fun. We may stand polar opposite on some issues but at the end of the day, we will always be good friends and I think Adeline knows that and I hope Drew too. I think it is really important. I wish we had taken photos but we are really not the camera-loving crew...

I am just so freaking tired right now and I want the world to fucking shut up..This is not targeted at anyone or anything.

I got drunk yesterday. Well not drunk drunk but still...I kinda felt I was flying but at the same time everything was so clear. I was myself, I could talk like myself and trust me I was talking loud. We were drinking Italian and Spanish red wines and they tasted so good so I downed like 7 glasses and I thought I could do it, because I have had done it so many times before. And obviously, I couldn't. I was high but I was more sober than when I am not. For a short while, waking up wasn't such a painful task; it became mundane and managable. And thank god I had my friend and I've just told her about Tara, and she was supportive and all. And I didn't embarrassed myself at all, I think, apart for the fact that I couldn't take 10% alcohol volume but whatever.

I may still be a little tipsy as I am typing this (I'm having a break now) but I think I'm back to dealing with life and stuff and being such a whine about everything. I just read the news of Heath's death on Yahoo! and I thought, ok, that is another good man gone. Like Tara, God can't wait to have him back. I couldn't even say her name. I am such a loser. And as many times I can tell myself that it's ok to move on, it's cool to not think about her, I can't. I just can't. Things are not meant to be the way it is now. I hated how things are. I hated how she's not here.

Sometimes....

I just feel like writing something, and hopefully a lil' less death and angst. As compared to when I was writing my last blog, I am a tab bit lighter. And I walked away lessons learnt. About me, about limitations, mine and theirs and about saying no at the right time to your best friend.

Sometimes I am a dreamer, just staring and not talking
Sometimes I'm just one hell of a fucked up asshole, just swearing but not looking
Sometimes I am human and vulnerable
Sometimes I mourn, for a past that has abandoned me by the entrance of Hell, by the roadside on a rainy night
Sometimes I find myself just incredibly stupid and dumb
Sometimes I find myself enlightened in the most unexpected circumstances, even if I walked away in cuts and bruises
Sometimes I sing, as I'm typing away, racking my brain about some assignments that didn't mean a thing
Sometimes I tried to find a way to stop where I was going, to take a breather, even for a short while, to get things right
Sometimes I cry, watching tv, listening to a song
Sometimes I snapped and yelled and be so angry I could break a person in half
And often times I stopped.

Sometimes I wonder if life would have been a different gig if I were a different person
Sometimes I come to the conclusion and put my foot down and thinking "no way!"
Sometimes I don't think I can't deal with it anymore, that I just wanna run away
Sometimes I walk alone, in the dark, surrounded by strangers
Sometimes I get a good day and I wanted time to stop
And Sometimes I get a not so good day
Sometimes I need to sleep.

I can't live without you

Why don't you kill me?

Why can't you take me with you?

I can't sing anymore, no sound
My heart doesn't beat anymore, just scarred and buried not soarin'

I don't walk in the sun no more,

Only in darkness will my footsteps leave bloody prints from that of a wrenching heart, my lover's blood

I can't always just forget you but I can't always remember you either

Your name, your eyes and your voice...sometimes I forget

Why you had to die and why shouldn't I...

As you kind souls would know, I have been fucking up to here with school and I was depressed about it. Thoughts of quitting school has eventually surfaced, bubbling and all like a bad brew. AND I was the least surprised when it did. Funny thing, isn't it? This was the first time that I felt so; that I can't handle it, that I can't pull rabbits out of hats. As the orange cloud loomed overhead and often I waked flustered and guilty, life remains on the orbit. I always knew obligations and responsibilites are fucking truckloads of scary heavy stuff but it is only when they started burying me that I know how heavy life can be, homework-wise anyway.

Let's do the math.

1. 8 proposals and essays, polytechnic & university (- western australia wine essay)
2. 4 class tests
3. 23 short article, 1 done (that is if they like what I do and would continue using me for the next 22)
4. 100,000 cover letters for the internship program that's due end of January
5. 4 end-of-year examinations
6. Liesl Tara Oppenheim
7. Life

To be complaining about 1 - 5 is like complaining about the color of day and night, why's one's clear and the other's dark...so I won't.

Let's talk about Tara and life then. I've made a tiny discovery today, that I could actually go by a day or rather weeks without thinking about Tara. But if I'm not thinking about her, it is only because I'm so stressed up about writing the 100,000,000,000th business proposal or essay. And I hated that. I mean, on any given day, I would so wanna cut myself up with thinking about Tara than to be so stressed about homework I can't sleep. You know what I mean? And yesterday I had a little downtime and I wanted to kinda revert to my old life and it came right back, like bees to honey. The tears came back, and some of that leftover anger and stuff...I was so happy. That's when I know I'm me again. That's when I know I'm alone too. And it doesn't matter.

Eva, wow, I'm so gonna hand it to her and her oblivion. It's exactly what I wanted though, to avoid an argument. 我从不相信自己会在世界的另一端找到她。更不能相信她所能带给我的一切希望、快乐和痛苦。她曾经让我相信信念的存在， 却也把它残酷地带走。And she told me nothing has changed. I don't know what has gone into me but I guess it's just a defense mechanism, a way to avoid more pain. And I think I am doing the right thing. I can't get close to her no more. I can't put myself out there in the bull's eye. I can't let her in again. I used to believe in her for everything, especially regarding our future. I have never knew how a truthful promise can became air when subjected to different circumstances of a person's will. At the rate I'm taking her promises at face value, the sooner I might go completely insane. Guess I had to learn everything the hard way. What's stupid is how I would go back to her every single time she has hurt me when it always hurts so bad.

Ever since Tara, I have never let anyone else in. I couldn't. And I was right, cause' whenever I do, I get hurt, someone else's get hurt and I hated that. I used to have my life all planned out, but all was lost and dashed when Tara died. And I have been a living corpse ever since, trying to grasp of the direction and meaning in life. I was born alone, and I would die alone too...

I have blood but it's so cold. I have a brain but I can't remember nor forget. I have a pair of eyes but they are only meant to cry. I have a mouth but I speak with doubt. I have a pair of ears but I could only hear slience. I have a good pair of hands but they are only writing words of angst.

<<在人与人来回试探眼神的言语
在爱与不爱等待与放弃的煎熬里。。。
在心与心破撞后开始保护自己
在放与不放沉淀与寂寞日子里。。。>>

I Wanna See You Twice My Life

"Here I am everyday
Since you said you'd come again
But it's not fair, cause' you're not here
I wait in vain, but nothing has changed
I'm a flower, soaking in the rain
If I could wish one thing, I'd hear you call my name
So when will I see your face again?
When will you touch my life again?
When will I breathe you in again?
I think I Love You...Will I see your face again?
Little things, like the rain coming
She Looked At Me A Certain Kind Of Way
Tell me girl, where are you now?
Cause' I don't know how much longer I can wait
I'm a dreamer waiting for the sun
When you're coming in, I know my life's begun
Tell me girl...
When will I see your face again?
When will you touch my life again?
When will I breathe you in again?
I Think I Love You...Will I see your face again
You know that all my life I've been waiting,
Waiting for some, someone like you to love me
You can't come by like an angel into my life and then fly away"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLZ5P2Ph2-Y


Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and be looking around, to see if everything was the same as when I've fallen asleep, if my life remains broken and if she remains absent. I don't know how long I've been doing so and how many nights I've laid simply like a frustrated corpse, wide-eyed and rapid breathing.

Right now, I'm standing along a cliff and if I jump, it would probably mark the end of it all. And if I don't, well, nobody has to know.


The semester commenced almost a month ago and I do not like where it is going. There will be a lot of good after everything is over, I'm sure but right now's not that time. I have not felt stress this heavy for a long time. I have absolutely zero idea about what is going on around me. All I'm aware is that I have a lot on my hands; I have a lot of business proposals to write, like 5 essays and 23 little articles to write and within fuckingly pressing deadlines. I have obligations to seemingly everyone. And I don't have time to stop in my track for a bit and to look around, to see what I've lost, to cherish what I've and later gained. I don't even have time to miss her. I don't quite sleep anymore and I am angry about stuff, like lockers and a rather irresponsible character who happens to be my group mate.

A friend told me that one of my greatest weaknesses lies in my inability to say no. That would largely explain why I have 26 more essays to write than anyone else does. Maybe it's just the way it is.

It's all words meant just so I would keep quiet but never gone

How lovingly patronizing bull shit she has weaved

I couldn't even cry nor speak

I can't say how long I'll stand, how much I'll take

Perhaps I'll wake one fine day and realize, hey, it's all in good game

You would ask how I was doing and I'll lie between my clenched teeth

You would ask if it was all right if you could just put a knife through my heart and you do, everyday

And I'll let you.

Why, I'd ask my demons but they will never tell...