OK, I’m going back to the roots.
I came into the office today and instantly pumped up the volume of Avril Lavigne’s songs on my laptop. I found a collection of remix versions of her old albums. Oh yes, I am a closeted (and now open) Avril fan. I remembered listening to her very first single, Complicated, when I was 17. I was introduced to that song by my then online girlfriend. Fell in love (with Avril, not the online girlfriend) and immediately went out to get the album. After the CD was done playing Complicated which happened to be the first song of the album and moved on to the next track and the next, a sense of doubt was looming over me. I was thinking, ‘hey, maybe her music isn’t my cup of tea.’ The background music was so loud and without the lyric booklet then, I couldn’t make out the words but I refused to give up on it and gave it several more listening. Boy, was I glad I didn’t just put it away and miss out on a large chunk of what could have been good music and writing. It became a staple of my high school life and as of today, I have reacquainted my love for Avril’s music.
Talking about roots, I was thinking of about digging up all my writing projects that I have pretty much put on hold for 8 years now. I have enlisted the help of an old friend (a wonderful man) to work with me on this writer’s blog (notice the play on word on writer’s block) that allows aspiring writers to come together to share and publish their work. I was watching The Amazing Race Asia last night and realised (quite awkwardly and painfully) what the acronyms happen to stand for. Wow, it took my breath away and instantly I felt a sharp pain in my heart and abdominal areas. I was not kidding. It was not good at all. I suppose the blog is my next (poor) attempt at getting myself back on track. I know if I could try to recreate or rekindle some sort of a passion and control over my life, I can heal. And I would like to heal very much.
Watch out for that new blog.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Thought I share this:
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), he was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008. --
"I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.
My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable. Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife. And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.
Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.
You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers. The good news is that they’re wrong.
The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy. I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.
Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom. So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper. Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.
I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy. After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average. Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much. That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste. If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average. What you should prepare for is mess.
Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.
Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows. What does this mean for you?
It is good that your life is over. Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free. The most important is this: do not work.
Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable. Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.
There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.
People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.
Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.
Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.
I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.
So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.
Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.
Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.
In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.
I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.
One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.
The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone. Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It's far easier to find a reason not to love someone than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart. You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it."
So there you go. Life's pretty much it.Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.
Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), he was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008. --
"I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.
My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable. Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife. And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.
Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.
You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers. The good news is that they’re wrong.
The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy. I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.
Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom. So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper. Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.
I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy. After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average. Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much. That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste. If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average. What you should prepare for is mess.
Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.
Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows. What does this mean for you?
It is good that your life is over. Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free. The most important is this: do not work.
Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable. Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.
There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.
People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.
Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.
Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.
I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.
So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.
Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.
Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.
In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.
I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.
One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.
The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone. Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It's far easier to find a reason not to love someone than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart. You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it."
So there you go. Life's pretty much it.Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Ok. I'm just gonna start off by saying that my brain is a jumbled mess and hopefully I can do this mess justice by reflecting it truthfully on here. Ok, here goes.
I'm so many things and disasters right now I can't even begin to sort it out. I want too many things too fast. And it's taking a toil on me.
I want a full leg tattoo.
I want to go to Greece for my upcoming birthday just so I can kiss my soulmate so hard she wouldn't remember her name.
I want to get a motorcyclist's license and not think about dying on the streets which for some reasons, I know I would.
I want a girlfriend, a partner or whatever you call it. Someone who sees me and saves me from who I am. Someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me. Someone to cuddle up to at night and early mornings. I don't care if I'm ready or not. I don't deserve to be alone and I'm done being alone. Speaking of which, kudos to Jared or otherwise better known as KT, a wonderful friend of mine, who came out to me last morning. I love you for being brave, I love you for being who you want to be because you know you can be and you can. You really made my day! (PS: I always knew you were gay.)
I wanna write a book and publish it. But first thing first, coming up with a damn title. It's vital for me that this first book is a heartbreaker because that's really what I felt for a long time and it's something I really connected to.
Lastly, I want you to shut the.fuck.up!
Oh right, before I forget, roller blades and new clothes.
I need something or someone to distract me. I don't know who I am or what I am doing here and that's what I believe to be a deadly flaw. It could literally kill me. Just couple days ago, I had wanted to hurt myself, like a car accident or something. The only glitch in that master plan was not knowing if I'll die so that plan is shelved. For now.
I never knew the answers and I never bothered to ask questions. I just wanted to be left alone in my space, doing what I want to do in that moment in time. Everything should come naturally as the next thought to create this flow that sustain me. But life is anything but. Aren't I supposed to have the last say? Apparently not.
There are many things in life that I feel I've been and still am missing out on. The virtue of living life to the fullest is completely lost on me. Tara's death was akin to having someone saw my chest open and basically shred or pour acid over it and then putting it back again. And repeating the same procedure 2 seconds later. That pain is so palpable it later just sort of became me. I swear to God that I can still feel that sickly, viscousy, wet texture on my skin. It's like fresh blood is still on me -- Tara's blood. The love of my life, my G force, my thoughts and every word spoken, the catalyst of my passion, the woman I knew I could spend the rest of my life with...her blood was just soaking into my shirt, my skin. Blood and whatever it was was forcing its way out of her, I watched helplessly as she fought for her last breath but life just wouldn't stop gushing out of her. And yet all of that has become nothing short of a weakness and a joke in everyone else's eyes. No one cares. None of it matters now and I am supposed to live with that.
I don't know how I am going to do that but I sort of feel like it's one of those I always knew the answers kinda situations. And that answer also lies in the next person that I'm gonna restart my life for or even fall in love with. I wish I knew who that person is. But whoever you are and whatever you are going to do to me, thanks.
I have no idea what writing about my feelings here can do to help but I' m obviously doing it. I don't care if anyone reads it. They say the writer is the only one who gets the most out of the actual writing while everyone else who reads it is just the work of a strange coincidence. Perhaps that is true. I don't even know what I'm getting out of this, let alone you but I needed to feel better so here it is.
I'm so many things and disasters right now I can't even begin to sort it out. I want too many things too fast. And it's taking a toil on me.
I want a full leg tattoo.
I want to go to Greece for my upcoming birthday just so I can kiss my soulmate so hard she wouldn't remember her name.
I want to get a motorcyclist's license and not think about dying on the streets which for some reasons, I know I would.
I want a girlfriend, a partner or whatever you call it. Someone who sees me and saves me from who I am. Someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me. Someone to cuddle up to at night and early mornings. I don't care if I'm ready or not. I don't deserve to be alone and I'm done being alone. Speaking of which, kudos to Jared or otherwise better known as KT, a wonderful friend of mine, who came out to me last morning. I love you for being brave, I love you for being who you want to be because you know you can be and you can. You really made my day! (PS: I always knew you were gay.)
I wanna write a book and publish it. But first thing first, coming up with a damn title. It's vital for me that this first book is a heartbreaker because that's really what I felt for a long time and it's something I really connected to.
Lastly, I want you to shut the.fuck.up!
Oh right, before I forget, roller blades and new clothes.
I need something or someone to distract me. I don't know who I am or what I am doing here and that's what I believe to be a deadly flaw. It could literally kill me. Just couple days ago, I had wanted to hurt myself, like a car accident or something. The only glitch in that master plan was not knowing if I'll die so that plan is shelved. For now.
I never knew the answers and I never bothered to ask questions. I just wanted to be left alone in my space, doing what I want to do in that moment in time. Everything should come naturally as the next thought to create this flow that sustain me. But life is anything but. Aren't I supposed to have the last say? Apparently not.
There are many things in life that I feel I've been and still am missing out on. The virtue of living life to the fullest is completely lost on me. Tara's death was akin to having someone saw my chest open and basically shred or pour acid over it and then putting it back again. And repeating the same procedure 2 seconds later. That pain is so palpable it later just sort of became me. I swear to God that I can still feel that sickly, viscousy, wet texture on my skin. It's like fresh blood is still on me -- Tara's blood. The love of my life, my G force, my thoughts and every word spoken, the catalyst of my passion, the woman I knew I could spend the rest of my life with...her blood was just soaking into my shirt, my skin. Blood and whatever it was was forcing its way out of her, I watched helplessly as she fought for her last breath but life just wouldn't stop gushing out of her. And yet all of that has become nothing short of a weakness and a joke in everyone else's eyes. No one cares. None of it matters now and I am supposed to live with that.
I don't know how I am going to do that but I sort of feel like it's one of those I always knew the answers kinda situations. And that answer also lies in the next person that I'm gonna restart my life for or even fall in love with. I wish I knew who that person is. But whoever you are and whatever you are going to do to me, thanks.
I have no idea what writing about my feelings here can do to help but I' m obviously doing it. I don't care if anyone reads it. They say the writer is the only one who gets the most out of the actual writing while everyone else who reads it is just the work of a strange coincidence. Perhaps that is true. I don't even know what I'm getting out of this, let alone you but I needed to feel better so here it is.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
She is Gone. David Harkins.
"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:smile, open your eyes, love and go on."
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:smile, open your eyes, love and go on."
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Letters, Strings and All 14
Dear Love,
Letter 14 and I feel like I should be heading somewhere. I've been writing for almost half a month now but it feels like I haven't moved an inch. On most days, I imagine myself nearing towards a miracle or at least a destination where I can finally stop all this yearning to bask in the glory of our sweet love. Today, I just feel like a train wreck, minutes away from falling off the edge of a cliff, seconds away from a sort of searing pain, one I am not sure if I'll ever recover from. I don't think my heart can take any more of this.
I need you more than I want you. And I want you more than I know is possible. I am not sorry. I am not guilty, for this is what my heart sings to me and I know you feel the exact same way. You love me. I hear you whisper it to me every night before we go to bed. I felt the words carve tiny craters on the surface of my bones and make impressions on my flesh. I am yours and only yours and I'll give myself to you in a heartbeat if you would only ask.
At times, I thought I could cry myself to death. Those endless nights made me believe that I am far from being rational and all right. I know for sure I wouldn't survive this heartache. In the wee hours of the night, I wanted to rush for you. I wanted to tell your mother about us. I want to fuck you so hard you would not remember anything else. I want to hold you in my heart just so I could breathe again. But I can't. I just can't.
You told me over breakfast one time how a person's life is made up of the choices he/she makes. I now hold the tool to shaping the outcome of our lives. I need a guiding hand, a hug. I need you to tell me that what I am doing is right. I can't imagine keeping you away from me and breaking a future we could possibly have into pieces.
Tara
Letter 14 and I feel like I should be heading somewhere. I've been writing for almost half a month now but it feels like I haven't moved an inch. On most days, I imagine myself nearing towards a miracle or at least a destination where I can finally stop all this yearning to bask in the glory of our sweet love. Today, I just feel like a train wreck, minutes away from falling off the edge of a cliff, seconds away from a sort of searing pain, one I am not sure if I'll ever recover from. I don't think my heart can take any more of this.
I need you more than I want you. And I want you more than I know is possible. I am not sorry. I am not guilty, for this is what my heart sings to me and I know you feel the exact same way. You love me. I hear you whisper it to me every night before we go to bed. I felt the words carve tiny craters on the surface of my bones and make impressions on my flesh. I am yours and only yours and I'll give myself to you in a heartbeat if you would only ask.
At times, I thought I could cry myself to death. Those endless nights made me believe that I am far from being rational and all right. I know for sure I wouldn't survive this heartache. In the wee hours of the night, I wanted to rush for you. I wanted to tell your mother about us. I want to fuck you so hard you would not remember anything else. I want to hold you in my heart just so I could breathe again. But I can't. I just can't.
You told me over breakfast one time how a person's life is made up of the choices he/she makes. I now hold the tool to shaping the outcome of our lives. I need a guiding hand, a hug. I need you to tell me that what I am doing is right. I can't imagine keeping you away from me and breaking a future we could possibly have into pieces.
Tara
Friday, September 10, 2010
I no longer remember
At 24, I'm back at the crossroad I was at just two years ago. I am just as troubled, just as unhappy, if not more about life. It leaves me with a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. Deprived of any true inspiration, I realise I haven't eaten in almost a year.
I have been thinking or rather, not been thinking at all. I've either lost everything and who I am or I have not experienced and cultivated anything in the last years of my life. I am empty. Stubborn and empty.
I am still locked up, still drowning. And what kills me the most is the fact that I am the one responsible for putting myself in that place. I am keeping myself from all my potential. I don't know what I can do with that power but I wanna do something and I don't know how. I want things I know I can have. What I want is easy. What I want is achievable. But as of right now, I am helpless. Utterly, totally helpless. And there is nothing I hate more than being helpless.
Everyone wants answers. Do I like my job? What do I think about copywriting? No, I hate copywriting. I hate doing anything I have no interest for. Period. How do I feel about being put fourth or fifth or sixth or even the hundredth place on everyone else's plate? Do people really care about me and my so-called, yet to be explored potential? And why does people lose their tempers on me if they care? Is this how people care? If so, what do they want from me?
I am scared. I am lost. I am whatever the hell I am now. I like writing. I vaguely remember I do but you have taken away everything. Now even that I can't do.
I've recently met someone whom I may potentially develop feelings for. She asked if I were ready for love and all I wanted to say in that instant was that I like you. I can be ready for you. Just give me a chance. But of course I didn't. She is in love with someone else.
I have been thinking or rather, not been thinking at all. I've either lost everything and who I am or I have not experienced and cultivated anything in the last years of my life. I am empty. Stubborn and empty.
I am still locked up, still drowning. And what kills me the most is the fact that I am the one responsible for putting myself in that place. I am keeping myself from all my potential. I don't know what I can do with that power but I wanna do something and I don't know how. I want things I know I can have. What I want is easy. What I want is achievable. But as of right now, I am helpless. Utterly, totally helpless. And there is nothing I hate more than being helpless.
Everyone wants answers. Do I like my job? What do I think about copywriting? No, I hate copywriting. I hate doing anything I have no interest for. Period. How do I feel about being put fourth or fifth or sixth or even the hundredth place on everyone else's plate? Do people really care about me and my so-called, yet to be explored potential? And why does people lose their tempers on me if they care? Is this how people care? If so, what do they want from me?
I am scared. I am lost. I am whatever the hell I am now. I like writing. I vaguely remember I do but you have taken away everything. Now even that I can't do.
I've recently met someone whom I may potentially develop feelings for. She asked if I were ready for love and all I wanted to say in that instant was that I like you. I can be ready for you. Just give me a chance. But of course I didn't. She is in love with someone else.
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