Ok. I'm just gonna start off by saying that my brain is a jumbled mess and hopefully I can do this mess justice by reflecting it truthfully on here. Ok, here goes.

I'm so many things and disasters right now I can't even begin to sort it out. I want too many things too fast. And it's taking a toil on me.

I want a full leg tattoo.

I want to go to Greece for my upcoming birthday just so I can kiss my soulmate so hard she wouldn't remember her name.

I want to get a motorcyclist's license and not think about dying on the streets which for some reasons, I know I would.

I want a girlfriend, a partner or whatever you call it. Someone who sees me and saves me from who I am. Someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me. Someone to cuddle up to at night and early mornings. I don't care if I'm ready or not. I don't deserve to be alone and I'm done being alone. Speaking of which, kudos to Jared or otherwise better known as KT, a wonderful friend of mine, who came out to me last morning. I love you for being brave, I love you for being who you want to be because you know you can be and you can. You really made my day! (PS: I always knew you were gay.)

I wanna write a book and publish it. But first thing first, coming up with a damn title. It's vital for me that this first book is a heartbreaker because that's really what I felt for a long time and it's something I really connected to.

Lastly, I want you to shut the.fuck.up!

Oh right, before I forget, roller blades and new clothes.

I need something or someone to distract me. I don't know who I am or what I am doing here and that's what I believe to be a deadly flaw. It could literally kill me. Just couple days ago, I had wanted to hurt myself, like a car accident or something. The only glitch in that master plan was not knowing if I'll die so that plan is shelved. For now.

I never knew the answers and I never bothered to ask questions. I just wanted to be left alone in my space, doing what I want to do in that moment in time. Everything should come naturally as the next thought to create this flow that sustain me. But life is anything but. Aren't I supposed to have the last say? Apparently not.

There are many things in life that I feel I've been and still am missing out on. The virtue of living life to the fullest is completely lost on me. Tara's death was akin to having someone saw my chest open and basically shred or pour acid over it and then putting it back again. And repeating the same procedure 2 seconds later. That pain is so palpable it later just sort of became me. I swear to God that I can still feel that sickly, viscousy, wet texture on my skin. It's like fresh blood is still on me -- Tara's blood. The love of my life, my G force, my thoughts and every word spoken, the catalyst of my passion, the woman I knew I could spend the rest of my life with...her blood was just soaking into my shirt, my skin. Blood and whatever it was was forcing its way out of her, I watched helplessly as she fought for her last breath but life just wouldn't stop gushing out of her. And yet all of that has become nothing short of a weakness and a joke in everyone else's eyes. No one cares. None of it matters now and I am supposed to live with that.

I don't know how I am going to do that but I sort of feel like it's one of those I always knew the answers kinda situations. And that answer also lies in the next person that I'm gonna restart my life for or even fall in love with. I wish I knew who that person is. But whoever you are and whatever you are going to do to me, thanks.

I have no idea what writing about my feelings here can do to help but I' m obviously doing it. I don't care if anyone reads it. They say the writer is the only one who gets the most out of the actual writing while everyone else who reads it is just the work of a strange coincidence. Perhaps that is true. I don't even know what I'm getting out of this, let alone you but I needed to feel better so here it is.