Now keep quiet. I've gotten keep in line.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I am remembering something. Something that completely thrills and throws me off my chair if my ass wasn't already on the floor. It’s exhilarating, like a first kiss. Something familiar is invoked in me. It has been quite a while and you may believe I am delusional and severely detached from reality when all along I was part of humanity and the whole spectrum of emotions. I have goosebumps coming down my spine and it wasn’t a ghost. I am excited and my heart pumps for the right reasons. I am reconnecting again, through visionary art and pain and sort of a connection between this and that. I am reclaiming my love for pain but the good kind. I am ecstatic, my adrenaline pumping, coursing through my veins I was smiling and for real. I don’t remember the last time I did. It made me lighter. It made me a different being. The being that was lost to all the wrong reasons in life. It’s only for an hour though. It will fade until the next hour comes again and I’ll feel like home. And I’ll have wings and the wind in my hair. It’s real odd how I didn’t feel like this when I was going through it. I ought to be profusely apologetic. That next time will come on the day the world sees me so till then.
It was an extraordinarily amazing feeling that was lost on me. I was feeling something else, the not-so-good pain. The pain took me away from me and turned me into less of an individual who care for and love herself. My heart was pining for another, who would never care about me if I was left with my last drop of good blood. And today I made the decision to erase her from my life, starting with the impressions of her. I will go on to erase her face from my brain like it’s the easiest thing to do. How can she hurt me more than my slit wrist? But she did and it was only because she smiled. Anyway, back to reclaiming myself and reconnecting, I am very anticipative and though no one would be standing on my side, I know I can deal and I will enjoy every bit of the process of marking myself for the better. It made me forget, the useless vessel I was. It made me vulnerable to the simplest things in life. It made me human.
It was an extraordinarily amazing feeling that was lost on me. I was feeling something else, the not-so-good pain. The pain took me away from me and turned me into less of an individual who care for and love herself. My heart was pining for another, who would never care about me if I was left with my last drop of good blood. And today I made the decision to erase her from my life, starting with the impressions of her. I will go on to erase her face from my brain like it’s the easiest thing to do. How can she hurt me more than my slit wrist? But she did and it was only because she smiled. Anyway, back to reclaiming myself and reconnecting, I am very anticipative and though no one would be standing on my side, I know I can deal and I will enjoy every bit of the process of marking myself for the better. It made me forget, the useless vessel I was. It made me vulnerable to the simplest things in life. It made me human.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Letters, Strings and All IX
I woke, slightly grouchy and barely awake. I was walking with my eyes closed and I stretched and took a deep breath. I heard a really loud, manly yelp coming from the kitchen and for a minute there, I was torn between running in with a baseball bat that magically appears in my firm grip or I could be all stealthy and old Russian espionage. (I must have been watching too much TV) I decided on neither. I moved quietly like a mouse and what filled my half-lidded sight was the silhouette of a tall man, early 20s who has never dated, or has ever made decent breakfast for a girl besides maybe his own mother holding on to his finger under running water at the sink. He has cut himself. I hurried over but stopped myself in time. He’s after all a grown man and I was waiting to see what he was up to. He shrugged dismissingly the bleeding wound, reaching for a plaster and wrapping it tightly around his injured digit and continued with whatever he was busy with. He has his glasses perched at the tip of his nose, which I love and found terribly charming and old English. I think he was humming a song, tiptoeing on the balls of his heels left and right and left again. I couldn’t hear clearly but you probably have heard the song before. He was in a very old white tee shirt, worn out and stained in various places at the sleeves and the middle in shades of pink and gym shorts. That was your fault when you forgot to separate colors from whites the other time.
I was lost, watching him. He was exceptionally and surprisingly graceful, for a man of his size and background and well, lack of culinary finesse or so I thought. I may have made a noise because he turned around and looked at me with a wide, childish grin spread on his marble-chiseled features. It was like sunshine. I smiled and greeted him Good morning. He fetched immediately from the refrigerator a glass of freshly squeezed orange tomato juice and sat me down, his muscular hands gently pushing down on my shoulders. I eyed him curiously, wondering what he would whip up. I knew he grocery-shopped last night because I had bumped into him in the elevator and offered help. He continued to hum, something out of a rock concert maybe because his fists were holding invisible drum sticks and beating them as if on a flat surface furiously in mid air. I watched, bemused and entertained. He reached for a plate from above his head and deftly transferred the omelet from the pan onto the chinaware. He motioned in my face a bottle of ketchup and pointed to the salt and pepper kit he had laid very nicely on the table, along with silver cutleries and napkin. I felt almost like a queen. I asked that he joined me. He simply refused. I looked at him, lifting my right brow questioningly. He crossed his heart and guaranteed the omelet and juice were perfectly fit for human consumption. And I believed his words, picked up my fork and dug in. “Wow, this is good! This is really good!” I remembered thinking to myself.
The inside of the omelet was so moist it melted like ice cream and I could taste subtly tomato cubes, then more distinctively button mushrooms and crunchy diced cucumber. And then I made a delightful discovery – roasted almond flakes stuck in the recesses of the egg mixture, providing a much desired contrast in texture and crunch. He must have put the flakes in just as the omelet was to be served. I finished my plate hungrily, determined to finish every last morsel. I was grinning from ear to ear. That happiness was short-lived though, replaced rapidly by sort of a mourning feeling. I wish to God you were sitting right beside me and eating the same food. But you weren’t. You weren’t watching me eat with a smile and feeding me between mouthfuls like you do on most mornings. He smiled and watched as I finished the plate. I looked at him and mouthed ‘thank you’ and gave him a tight hug. Hmm…it’s quite odd he smelt like lavender too. I bet you didn’t know that, right? Odd but nevertheless refreshing, 7 am in the morning. He pointed at his watch that he will come back just in time to send me to work. It’s his first day off in 2 weeks and he would take the train with me. You could tell he was in a fantastic mood. I nodded and kissed him goodbye on both his cheeks before he left the house for the park. It took him by surprise because I have never shown him affection like that before. Heck, it surprised me too. I have never touched a man this intimately before and didn’t think I would ever. I wanted to thank him for a putting a smile on my face, if only for a minute. God knows the last time I smiled. Anyway, he left and I turned my back and let out a sigh. The dull ache in my heart has returned and taken over me.
I miss you, the first and last thought in my head. Did you have breakfast? I think not. You have the worst appetite in the morning and I had to coax you to eating like a willful baby. The method was simple - a kiss in exchange for a mouthful of food or you will never eat. I studied intently the post-in note at the sink, hoping you would suddenly manifest before my eyes and grab me into a hug. It was one of the last onees you left before you left. It read aloud "Good morning, baby. I’m sorry you had to wake up alone today. Gonna tie up the loose ends for that Art project. I love you and please have a good day. I will see you at dinner. I’ll miss you.” Warm tears formed and brimmed from my eyes as I desperately try to recall the sound of your voice, a task that remained to be a timely challenge. I traced the cursive handwriting with my fingertip, imagining it to be your skin or the shape of your lips. I was fairly disappointed and laughed bitterly at my own silliness and rolled my eyes. If I didn't...if only we didn't...
I grabbed your jacket from the wardrobe. The lingering scent of you on the cotton fabric assaulted my nostrils like drinking soda too quickly. I pulled the jacket tighter to myself as if I could meld together me and it. Just then a head popped into my room. It was Lex, back from his jog. The scent of lavender long gone, his sweat mingled with the morning air. I told him I’d be ready as soon as he was. 10 minutes later, we were on the bus towards the train station.
I laid my head against his shoulders and he was looking out the window in the opposite direction. Despite a year living together, we sat in mutual silence. Perhaps because I was deaf, or just so we’re both so painfully shy and introverted. My voice pierced through and broke the silence when I asked if he has spoken to you. He shook his head and wondered what the hell has happened between us. I had to come clean, how you violated my trust, our first argument and the night we broke up at the park. He listened and concluded that things take time and trust needs to be built again on both sides. He believed we were meant to be together and nothing should and will ever break us apart. I nodded gratefully and knowingly, for his company and advice. I watched the scenery go past before my eyes, like the good times we have had and the bad. It was written in his brown eyes that he too, misses you a great deal. Though neither one of us would care to admit, it has been rather awkward without you. You were always the bridge that brought us together. You are essentially the only one who understood me. We walked side by side along the pavement as he filled me in about a possible overseas work transfer. I concurred it would be a great exposure and learning experience and something valuable to keep under his belt. “Yeah, you think?” “Of course, dork!” I punched him playfully on his left arm and we continued walking. I asked about his plans for the day and if he would like lunch with me so he could hover around the customer service counter. There’s a really cute part-timer named April. I think she speaks funny though, her immaculately selected choice of words. I suppose some guys find that endearing. Lex blushed a shade of red, the way he does whenever the word ‘girlfriend’ comes into the picture. I punched him again, lightly. “You guys are worried, aren’t you?” “All the time.” We laughed. “This is me,” I said, stopping just outside the films and music counter. “And that way’s Customer Service, sir.” I pointed with good intentions, a mischievous glint in my eyes, waiting for that tomato shade of red to resurface and I wasn’t disappointed at all. Lex embraced me in a tight hug and left me at my counter. “I’ll see you at lunch, girl.” The sound of his voice ever so distant in my ears. Sometimes I wonder if I had imagined hearing these voices and what if they were never real. He disappeared into the corner that leads to Customer Service.
Every day I wake up, wishing the day would unfold and end with you and each day I have been let down. You’ve simply become too far away, since the day I pushed you away. I concentrate on work, reading critiques and reviews of the latest albums or films. I make the best recommendations for my customers and would do nothing short of walking them to the cashier. I have forged trusted relationships with some nice people who looked past the irony that I was deaf. Life, on the surface was fine though I know it mocks my futile attempts to get you off my mind. Sometimes, I pleaded for time to stop, or if imaginable, for time to bring me back to when I would still wake up with you by myself, to when the first thing I taste is your tongue. It has never answered my call though. All these years, silence was the one thing that never left me. It’s the one thing that sometimes even you can’t intrude. It provided me absolute privacy. It has grown on me, almost like a skin that fits too closely. It made me think and focus on what I, we can do, separately and together. It gave me courage to be here, to carry on with life and it made me somehow trust in you. Still, I wish I were a more together, self-aware person who has given you the affection and attention you needed. Then maybe we wouldn’t have to be broken up now. I yearn for the day we reconnect.
Lex was already waiting for me at the cashier before the clock strike noon. It had suddenly rained and I was grateful I had your jacket on me. Poor substitute though. We walked towards Tanglin Mall and decided on Starbucks. Whenever I walk in now, I would picture you sitting in that little corner and dozing off, a half-read book in your hand. That image remained freshly etched in my head. It was how I found you the first night. You were adorable and I think I had wanted to kiss you then. Lex got us both lattes as I found a seat by the window. I watched as people go by, my hands cupping the warm beverage, capturing whatever warmth it emitted. Just then I saw a piece of card sticking out of Lex’s pocket and I looked at him suspiciously. I reached for it and it was a phone number. I looked up at Lex who by now has turned a shade of red and grinned at him. “Nice work!” I said and I meant it. He laughed, his hand rubbing the back of his head. “Just so you know, I didn't ask for it. She was adamant about stuffing it in my pocket. She does have an interesting choice of words, doesn’t she? Kinda reminded me of the answering machine. Ever so chirpy and mechanic.” I had to agree. He boldly placed his hand on mine and held it tight, as if to channel positive energy. I looked at him then his hand and smiled. "Well, it's that look on your face..." He said. And indeed I wonder about you, what you were doing right this minute. I wonder about your day and night everyday. “You’re really sweet.” Lex blushed involuntarily again and withdrew his hand. “Hey, positive energy!” He replaced his hand.
I bit half-heartedly into my blueberry muffin. It has been your favorite. You, the arch-nemesis of all baked goods, especially breads. You’re more Germanic than I am. “You’re thinking about her now, aren’t you?” I barely smiled. “And how would you know?” “Well, let’s just say I am a keen observant.” I stick out my tongue, unimpressed. “Plus, it’s your eyes. The way they seemed to take you far away from here.” I watched Lex as he said those words. “Oh, so Mr. Observant, when are you gonna give April a call?” We were leaving when Lex held on to my shoulder, freezing me in my tracks. I turned around, a post-in note in my face. The words were cluttered and tiny, scribbled by a familiar hand and distracted mind. I clutched tightly the tiny piece of paper, stuffing it quickly into my pocket. We parted ways outside Starbucks and after I was alone, I reached for the note in my pocket. It was crumbled and stained. “You were right about leaving. And I realized it now.” It might sound strange and because it really is, for in my head there was you, sitting exactly where I just sat, only in Lex's place, a pen in your hand and the note. You had a smile on your face as if you have just been washed with enlightenment. It was as if you have understood something that was very simply yet complex. "What is it that you have realized, my love?" I said softly to myself.
It was cold in the shower tonight. I forgot the heater, again and you weren't waiting out there for me. I have taken for granted the habit you made of waiting for me by the bathroom door so you could pull me into a tight hug as soon as I got out, rubbing your hands up and down my arms as if you were frightened I would catch a cold. I could feel your warm breath whispering into my ears. Have I told you how that easily turn me on? I wanna be pulled into that hug now. My eyes turned to your jacket that was lying on your side of the bed. It was just very quiet. A little like you when we are just snuggling in bed. You would hum into my ears an imaginary song, something to wash me into sleep. And I'll wake the next morning, with your arm resting possessively across my chest, our legs entwined under the blanket. And then a strong scent of lavender would wash over me. I always wake before you do, so I could watch you. It wasn't before long when you would wake and kiss me good morning. I suppose I have taken that for granted as well. Forgive me, love.
liebe Ich Sie immer und mein Herz gehört nur Ihnen und sonst niemandem
Liebe,
Liesl
10 April 2002
I was lost, watching him. He was exceptionally and surprisingly graceful, for a man of his size and background and well, lack of culinary finesse or so I thought. I may have made a noise because he turned around and looked at me with a wide, childish grin spread on his marble-chiseled features. It was like sunshine. I smiled and greeted him Good morning. He fetched immediately from the refrigerator a glass of freshly squeezed orange tomato juice and sat me down, his muscular hands gently pushing down on my shoulders. I eyed him curiously, wondering what he would whip up. I knew he grocery-shopped last night because I had bumped into him in the elevator and offered help. He continued to hum, something out of a rock concert maybe because his fists were holding invisible drum sticks and beating them as if on a flat surface furiously in mid air. I watched, bemused and entertained. He reached for a plate from above his head and deftly transferred the omelet from the pan onto the chinaware. He motioned in my face a bottle of ketchup and pointed to the salt and pepper kit he had laid very nicely on the table, along with silver cutleries and napkin. I felt almost like a queen. I asked that he joined me. He simply refused. I looked at him, lifting my right brow questioningly. He crossed his heart and guaranteed the omelet and juice were perfectly fit for human consumption. And I believed his words, picked up my fork and dug in. “Wow, this is good! This is really good!” I remembered thinking to myself.
The inside of the omelet was so moist it melted like ice cream and I could taste subtly tomato cubes, then more distinctively button mushrooms and crunchy diced cucumber. And then I made a delightful discovery – roasted almond flakes stuck in the recesses of the egg mixture, providing a much desired contrast in texture and crunch. He must have put the flakes in just as the omelet was to be served. I finished my plate hungrily, determined to finish every last morsel. I was grinning from ear to ear. That happiness was short-lived though, replaced rapidly by sort of a mourning feeling. I wish to God you were sitting right beside me and eating the same food. But you weren’t. You weren’t watching me eat with a smile and feeding me between mouthfuls like you do on most mornings. He smiled and watched as I finished the plate. I looked at him and mouthed ‘thank you’ and gave him a tight hug. Hmm…it’s quite odd he smelt like lavender too. I bet you didn’t know that, right? Odd but nevertheless refreshing, 7 am in the morning. He pointed at his watch that he will come back just in time to send me to work. It’s his first day off in 2 weeks and he would take the train with me. You could tell he was in a fantastic mood. I nodded and kissed him goodbye on both his cheeks before he left the house for the park. It took him by surprise because I have never shown him affection like that before. Heck, it surprised me too. I have never touched a man this intimately before and didn’t think I would ever. I wanted to thank him for a putting a smile on my face, if only for a minute. God knows the last time I smiled. Anyway, he left and I turned my back and let out a sigh. The dull ache in my heart has returned and taken over me.
I miss you, the first and last thought in my head. Did you have breakfast? I think not. You have the worst appetite in the morning and I had to coax you to eating like a willful baby. The method was simple - a kiss in exchange for a mouthful of food or you will never eat. I studied intently the post-in note at the sink, hoping you would suddenly manifest before my eyes and grab me into a hug. It was one of the last onees you left before you left. It read aloud "Good morning, baby. I’m sorry you had to wake up alone today. Gonna tie up the loose ends for that Art project. I love you and please have a good day. I will see you at dinner. I’ll miss you.” Warm tears formed and brimmed from my eyes as I desperately try to recall the sound of your voice, a task that remained to be a timely challenge. I traced the cursive handwriting with my fingertip, imagining it to be your skin or the shape of your lips. I was fairly disappointed and laughed bitterly at my own silliness and rolled my eyes. If I didn't...if only we didn't...
I grabbed your jacket from the wardrobe. The lingering scent of you on the cotton fabric assaulted my nostrils like drinking soda too quickly. I pulled the jacket tighter to myself as if I could meld together me and it. Just then a head popped into my room. It was Lex, back from his jog. The scent of lavender long gone, his sweat mingled with the morning air. I told him I’d be ready as soon as he was. 10 minutes later, we were on the bus towards the train station.
I laid my head against his shoulders and he was looking out the window in the opposite direction. Despite a year living together, we sat in mutual silence. Perhaps because I was deaf, or just so we’re both so painfully shy and introverted. My voice pierced through and broke the silence when I asked if he has spoken to you. He shook his head and wondered what the hell has happened between us. I had to come clean, how you violated my trust, our first argument and the night we broke up at the park. He listened and concluded that things take time and trust needs to be built again on both sides. He believed we were meant to be together and nothing should and will ever break us apart. I nodded gratefully and knowingly, for his company and advice. I watched the scenery go past before my eyes, like the good times we have had and the bad. It was written in his brown eyes that he too, misses you a great deal. Though neither one of us would care to admit, it has been rather awkward without you. You were always the bridge that brought us together. You are essentially the only one who understood me. We walked side by side along the pavement as he filled me in about a possible overseas work transfer. I concurred it would be a great exposure and learning experience and something valuable to keep under his belt. “Yeah, you think?” “Of course, dork!” I punched him playfully on his left arm and we continued walking. I asked about his plans for the day and if he would like lunch with me so he could hover around the customer service counter. There’s a really cute part-timer named April. I think she speaks funny though, her immaculately selected choice of words. I suppose some guys find that endearing. Lex blushed a shade of red, the way he does whenever the word ‘girlfriend’ comes into the picture. I punched him again, lightly. “You guys are worried, aren’t you?” “All the time.” We laughed. “This is me,” I said, stopping just outside the films and music counter. “And that way’s Customer Service, sir.” I pointed with good intentions, a mischievous glint in my eyes, waiting for that tomato shade of red to resurface and I wasn’t disappointed at all. Lex embraced me in a tight hug and left me at my counter. “I’ll see you at lunch, girl.” The sound of his voice ever so distant in my ears. Sometimes I wonder if I had imagined hearing these voices and what if they were never real. He disappeared into the corner that leads to Customer Service.
Every day I wake up, wishing the day would unfold and end with you and each day I have been let down. You’ve simply become too far away, since the day I pushed you away. I concentrate on work, reading critiques and reviews of the latest albums or films. I make the best recommendations for my customers and would do nothing short of walking them to the cashier. I have forged trusted relationships with some nice people who looked past the irony that I was deaf. Life, on the surface was fine though I know it mocks my futile attempts to get you off my mind. Sometimes, I pleaded for time to stop, or if imaginable, for time to bring me back to when I would still wake up with you by myself, to when the first thing I taste is your tongue. It has never answered my call though. All these years, silence was the one thing that never left me. It’s the one thing that sometimes even you can’t intrude. It provided me absolute privacy. It has grown on me, almost like a skin that fits too closely. It made me think and focus on what I, we can do, separately and together. It gave me courage to be here, to carry on with life and it made me somehow trust in you. Still, I wish I were a more together, self-aware person who has given you the affection and attention you needed. Then maybe we wouldn’t have to be broken up now. I yearn for the day we reconnect.
Lex was already waiting for me at the cashier before the clock strike noon. It had suddenly rained and I was grateful I had your jacket on me. Poor substitute though. We walked towards Tanglin Mall and decided on Starbucks. Whenever I walk in now, I would picture you sitting in that little corner and dozing off, a half-read book in your hand. That image remained freshly etched in my head. It was how I found you the first night. You were adorable and I think I had wanted to kiss you then. Lex got us both lattes as I found a seat by the window. I watched as people go by, my hands cupping the warm beverage, capturing whatever warmth it emitted. Just then I saw a piece of card sticking out of Lex’s pocket and I looked at him suspiciously. I reached for it and it was a phone number. I looked up at Lex who by now has turned a shade of red and grinned at him. “Nice work!” I said and I meant it. He laughed, his hand rubbing the back of his head. “Just so you know, I didn't ask for it. She was adamant about stuffing it in my pocket. She does have an interesting choice of words, doesn’t she? Kinda reminded me of the answering machine. Ever so chirpy and mechanic.” I had to agree. He boldly placed his hand on mine and held it tight, as if to channel positive energy. I looked at him then his hand and smiled. "Well, it's that look on your face..." He said. And indeed I wonder about you, what you were doing right this minute. I wonder about your day and night everyday. “You’re really sweet.” Lex blushed involuntarily again and withdrew his hand. “Hey, positive energy!” He replaced his hand.
I bit half-heartedly into my blueberry muffin. It has been your favorite. You, the arch-nemesis of all baked goods, especially breads. You’re more Germanic than I am. “You’re thinking about her now, aren’t you?” I barely smiled. “And how would you know?” “Well, let’s just say I am a keen observant.” I stick out my tongue, unimpressed. “Plus, it’s your eyes. The way they seemed to take you far away from here.” I watched Lex as he said those words. “Oh, so Mr. Observant, when are you gonna give April a call?” We were leaving when Lex held on to my shoulder, freezing me in my tracks. I turned around, a post-in note in my face. The words were cluttered and tiny, scribbled by a familiar hand and distracted mind. I clutched tightly the tiny piece of paper, stuffing it quickly into my pocket. We parted ways outside Starbucks and after I was alone, I reached for the note in my pocket. It was crumbled and stained. “You were right about leaving. And I realized it now.” It might sound strange and because it really is, for in my head there was you, sitting exactly where I just sat, only in Lex's place, a pen in your hand and the note. You had a smile on your face as if you have just been washed with enlightenment. It was as if you have understood something that was very simply yet complex. "What is it that you have realized, my love?" I said softly to myself.
It was cold in the shower tonight. I forgot the heater, again and you weren't waiting out there for me. I have taken for granted the habit you made of waiting for me by the bathroom door so you could pull me into a tight hug as soon as I got out, rubbing your hands up and down my arms as if you were frightened I would catch a cold. I could feel your warm breath whispering into my ears. Have I told you how that easily turn me on? I wanna be pulled into that hug now. My eyes turned to your jacket that was lying on your side of the bed. It was just very quiet. A little like you when we are just snuggling in bed. You would hum into my ears an imaginary song, something to wash me into sleep. And I'll wake the next morning, with your arm resting possessively across my chest, our legs entwined under the blanket. And then a strong scent of lavender would wash over me. I always wake before you do, so I could watch you. It wasn't before long when you would wake and kiss me good morning. I suppose I have taken that for granted as well. Forgive me, love.
liebe Ich Sie immer und mein Herz gehört nur Ihnen und sonst niemandem
Liebe,
Liesl
10 April 2002
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
彻夜不眠的我决意大胆挑战过去
独自坐在阳台角落凝视着离自己好远的月亮、星星
感觉就像已遗失很久的过往
再怎么努力伸手都捉不到
你说当爱相随，能完美一切不完美
少了你的爱我被困在残酷而不完美的世界
持续在陌生人群中迷惘 流泪 流浪着
天天等着自己提起勇气挥别过去
只能妄想将冰冷回忆灌醉
啤酒拼命往肚子里灌
酒精却效用不大 只留我不断在悲痛里兜圈子
反复割划着旧伤口
脑海里浮现的简单感伤
像旧朋友般如何赶都不走
不能和你一起的日子总觉得少了什么
心里那份坚强却多了寂寞的陪伴
过去的快乐也随之而蒸发
我的世界少了颜色、新的启发
深夜了 我依然醒着
手中拿着你的照片 拿着念了第四遍的信
信封都不知道跑到哪去了
醒着醒着 天也亮了
我看见了新的曙光 提醒着我是时候收拾心情 振作起来
望着在路上频繁驰过的车辆
我听到了一声巨响 玻璃被强力击碎的声音
我的心跳瞬间停止 呼吸变得仓促
心碎了
眼前变黑了
醒过来发现自己躺在你的卧房里
是耳边隐约传来的吵闹声吵醒了我
我认得这声音
是我俩第一次吵架
是我一次有一次让你心碎，导致你决意离我而去的声音
望着四周环境依旧清晰
我们就好像从没离开过那样
黑白相框中的我们对着我傻傻微笑着
似乎想提醒我些什么
我下了床让站稳在地板上的脚踝告诉我这不是梦
我慢慢走向房门却发现自己被反锁在房里
不管我如何挣扎都无法把门打开
就像自己的心一样，被自己牢牢地锁著
你离开后我记得我有点伤心
而伤心会让人不想爱自己
也就只好暂时把你停搁在心中某处里, 暂时不爱你
拉开距离 发现爱你的曾经离自己好远好远
这爱你的火把也已被现实的时间熄灭
房间弥漫着你的气息
离开也是新的出发
耐心等待 等着有一天忽然想起你
你离开的原因再也不想提起
再翻出旧日记从新写起
门外吵闹声似乎已渐渐喊停
这时才领悟到声音其实源自自己脑里
其实一点都不真实
只是上帝和自己开的一个玩笑
才刚看完一场电影，还没透彻地淋完一场雨
就强烈意识到生命里缺少了什么
是幸福和一点勇气
除了把伞之外，心里明白到必须绕过你曾给过我幸福的街道
才能得到自由
认识你之前，我是个轻易释怀，一个因为淋了一场大雨而觉得被解放的懵懂小孩
失去你之后我成了个懂得隐藏伤痛的大人
一个酷爱伤害而不自爱的大人
我变得不懂得如何真心对待生命、自己
后来的我，每天看着脆弱坚强天天互相作战
搞得彼此遍体鳞伤
也搞得自己狼狈不堪
日子天昏地暗
我想你一定觉得我很可笑
我的耐心逐渐被时间拉长了
了解着生命的路上即使一个人也能开心走完
在路上结识到的人与事是上帝贴心点缀
收藏在我心里你的笑容曾是我心情温度计
心跳也只因为你
过去过度依赖你的我现在心胸宽大
等着吸收世界精华
等着有一天好起来
等着有一天找回那懵懂小孩，将她紧紧搂在怀抱里
就这样吧
故事结束了
你写的信也念完了。
独自坐在阳台角落凝视着离自己好远的月亮、星星
感觉就像已遗失很久的过往
再怎么努力伸手都捉不到
你说当爱相随，能完美一切不完美
少了你的爱我被困在残酷而不完美的世界
持续在陌生人群中迷惘 流泪 流浪着
天天等着自己提起勇气挥别过去
只能妄想将冰冷回忆灌醉
啤酒拼命往肚子里灌
酒精却效用不大 只留我不断在悲痛里兜圈子
反复割划着旧伤口
脑海里浮现的简单感伤
像旧朋友般如何赶都不走
不能和你一起的日子总觉得少了什么
心里那份坚强却多了寂寞的陪伴
过去的快乐也随之而蒸发
我的世界少了颜色、新的启发
深夜了 我依然醒着
手中拿着你的照片 拿着念了第四遍的信
信封都不知道跑到哪去了
醒着醒着 天也亮了
我看见了新的曙光 提醒着我是时候收拾心情 振作起来
望着在路上频繁驰过的车辆
我听到了一声巨响 玻璃被强力击碎的声音
我的心跳瞬间停止 呼吸变得仓促
心碎了
眼前变黑了
醒过来发现自己躺在你的卧房里
是耳边隐约传来的吵闹声吵醒了我
我认得这声音
是我俩第一次吵架
是我一次有一次让你心碎，导致你决意离我而去的声音
望着四周环境依旧清晰
我们就好像从没离开过那样
黑白相框中的我们对着我傻傻微笑着
似乎想提醒我些什么
我下了床让站稳在地板上的脚踝告诉我这不是梦
我慢慢走向房门却发现自己被反锁在房里
不管我如何挣扎都无法把门打开
就像自己的心一样，被自己牢牢地锁著
你离开后我记得我有点伤心
而伤心会让人不想爱自己
也就只好暂时把你停搁在心中某处里, 暂时不爱你
拉开距离 发现爱你的曾经离自己好远好远
这爱你的火把也已被现实的时间熄灭
房间弥漫着你的气息
离开也是新的出发
耐心等待 等着有一天忽然想起你
你离开的原因再也不想提起
再翻出旧日记从新写起
门外吵闹声似乎已渐渐喊停
这时才领悟到声音其实源自自己脑里
其实一点都不真实
只是上帝和自己开的一个玩笑
才刚看完一场电影，还没透彻地淋完一场雨
就强烈意识到生命里缺少了什么
是幸福和一点勇气
除了把伞之外，心里明白到必须绕过你曾给过我幸福的街道
才能得到自由
认识你之前，我是个轻易释怀，一个因为淋了一场大雨而觉得被解放的懵懂小孩
失去你之后我成了个懂得隐藏伤痛的大人
一个酷爱伤害而不自爱的大人
我变得不懂得如何真心对待生命、自己
后来的我，每天看着脆弱坚强天天互相作战
搞得彼此遍体鳞伤
也搞得自己狼狈不堪
日子天昏地暗
我想你一定觉得我很可笑
我的耐心逐渐被时间拉长了
了解着生命的路上即使一个人也能开心走完
在路上结识到的人与事是上帝贴心点缀
收藏在我心里你的笑容曾是我心情温度计
心跳也只因为你
过去过度依赖你的我现在心胸宽大
等着吸收世界精华
等着有一天好起来
等着有一天找回那懵懂小孩，将她紧紧搂在怀抱里
就这样吧
故事结束了
你写的信也念完了。
Monday, August 24, 2009
Letters, Strings and All VIII
Dear Love,
We had agreed to go by the bookstore today, to pick up yet a new set of books, a new set of babies home. It’s what we do, every day off, every ounce of free time we may have at our disposal. Reading has been a lifelong cultivation and passion. Before you, I had Ma. And a long time after Ma, I only had myself to be and now, the Goddess has blessed me with you by my side.
I might not always listen to you it, but every time you did, just before we sleep, you bring me to this magical world where whether I am deaf or otherwise matters without significance. I love the way your voice danced over each syllabi, the way your tongue would lick your lips absently when you’re all engrossed creating a world with every word spoken, with every quirky expression swept across your face and the way your eyes looked into mine. I love how you sometimes took it slow and then quickly again, just for the fun of it and how I had to fight down the surging urge to end your every punctuation with a kiss. Of course, I had a hard time going back to the collection for now each and every alphabet that has been delicately tasted by your mouth and rolled off your tongue is a constant reminder that you’re not here. None of what I’ve picked up were any interesting, except for this manuscript I found carelessly tucked away at the end of the corner of my bedside drawer.
I recognize the handwriting like it was mine. My eyes followed the scrawled lines like a predator fixated on its prey. There were only about two pages or so and what they brought to me was the vorspeisen, something that played on my tongue and teased my mind like a willful fairy. You wrote of an extraordinary kingdom with handsome, heroic princes, and gorgeous princesses of diverse colors and what abilities they possessed! The drama that interweaved the lives of the characters unfolds right before my eyes. I love especially the one who wields the power of Mother Nature at his fingertips and with just a movement of his eyeballs, and the other one who reads minds like an open book and had answers for the world yet always ever so willing to learn. What took my breath away instantly was the way the princesses had made passionate and erotic love all through the night, their lives. Oh god, I could almost feel your soft, warm lips on mine and your teeth biting down on my nipples and the way my body climaxes when it peaked. Promise me you would never stop writing.
Where will you be today? Should I avoid the bookstore so I could ignore every desire to run up to you, and kiss you when I see your soft shadow creeping slowly into our favorite café? Or do I go up to you and say hi and ask about your day and tell you mine, wearing the façade that all is well? All this thinking and avoiding and fake smiling is tearing me apart. I didn’t realize in time how this decision to leave will wreck up my life and yours. Isn’t it supposed to progress towards light, towards a scenario where the Goddess returns you to me, more enlightened and fulfilled and even more inseparable this time? Why am I in such misery? How could I not be strong enough? Is this what they said about how it’s the darkest before dawn? How it’s the most painful when the knife plunged into your chest needs to be removed so you could begin to heal? On most days, the knife protrudes from my heart awkwardly and I carry on with life pretending it was just ornament when it’s anything but. Every day I wish things were different, that you didn’t do what you did, that you didn’t betray my love and trust in you, that we didn’t break up. Nothing in this world changes the truth though, just like the fact that I’ll always love you.
liebe Ich Sie immer und mein Herz gehört nur Ihnen und sonst niemandem
Liebe,
Liesl
3 April 2002
We had agreed to go by the bookstore today, to pick up yet a new set of books, a new set of babies home. It’s what we do, every day off, every ounce of free time we may have at our disposal. Reading has been a lifelong cultivation and passion. Before you, I had Ma. And a long time after Ma, I only had myself to be and now, the Goddess has blessed me with you by my side.
I might not always listen to you it, but every time you did, just before we sleep, you bring me to this magical world where whether I am deaf or otherwise matters without significance. I love the way your voice danced over each syllabi, the way your tongue would lick your lips absently when you’re all engrossed creating a world with every word spoken, with every quirky expression swept across your face and the way your eyes looked into mine. I love how you sometimes took it slow and then quickly again, just for the fun of it and how I had to fight down the surging urge to end your every punctuation with a kiss. Of course, I had a hard time going back to the collection for now each and every alphabet that has been delicately tasted by your mouth and rolled off your tongue is a constant reminder that you’re not here. None of what I’ve picked up were any interesting, except for this manuscript I found carelessly tucked away at the end of the corner of my bedside drawer.
I recognize the handwriting like it was mine. My eyes followed the scrawled lines like a predator fixated on its prey. There were only about two pages or so and what they brought to me was the vorspeisen, something that played on my tongue and teased my mind like a willful fairy. You wrote of an extraordinary kingdom with handsome, heroic princes, and gorgeous princesses of diverse colors and what abilities they possessed! The drama that interweaved the lives of the characters unfolds right before my eyes. I love especially the one who wields the power of Mother Nature at his fingertips and with just a movement of his eyeballs, and the other one who reads minds like an open book and had answers for the world yet always ever so willing to learn. What took my breath away instantly was the way the princesses had made passionate and erotic love all through the night, their lives. Oh god, I could almost feel your soft, warm lips on mine and your teeth biting down on my nipples and the way my body climaxes when it peaked. Promise me you would never stop writing.
Where will you be today? Should I avoid the bookstore so I could ignore every desire to run up to you, and kiss you when I see your soft shadow creeping slowly into our favorite café? Or do I go up to you and say hi and ask about your day and tell you mine, wearing the façade that all is well? All this thinking and avoiding and fake smiling is tearing me apart. I didn’t realize in time how this decision to leave will wreck up my life and yours. Isn’t it supposed to progress towards light, towards a scenario where the Goddess returns you to me, more enlightened and fulfilled and even more inseparable this time? Why am I in such misery? How could I not be strong enough? Is this what they said about how it’s the darkest before dawn? How it’s the most painful when the knife plunged into your chest needs to be removed so you could begin to heal? On most days, the knife protrudes from my heart awkwardly and I carry on with life pretending it was just ornament when it’s anything but. Every day I wish things were different, that you didn’t do what you did, that you didn’t betray my love and trust in you, that we didn’t break up. Nothing in this world changes the truth though, just like the fact that I’ll always love you.
liebe Ich Sie immer und mein Herz gehört nur Ihnen und sonst niemandem
Liebe,
Liesl
3 April 2002
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Just Wait.
Tonight and for the rest of the days, I just wanna be in my favorite clothes and pair of shoes and my IPOD and start walking. To start walking to nowhere and somewhere. It's the journey that counts, right or so they say. Hopefully, on a good day, I'll find myself back to you, where I'd pick up and may I rest only in your arms and basked in the glory of our love. Time will stand still in the face of our contentment and the blisters on my foot, my weathered expression will come to heal and a smile will take its place..Just wait.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Rain Check
A lot has gone on lately. Relevations, appreciations for things and/ people that have always exist around and near me and my heart and the direction my career would go and also, yes, before I forget (like I could ever), my new tattoo.
I love to be alive now, although it is largely filled with work and more work and I think, work. But all this hard work only proves that I am meant for something much larger than exhaustion. For those who don't know and would like to know, I am currently working with Resort World Sentosa, and for 3 months next 8th. I am under Universal Studios Singapore, Food & Beverage Department. I am going to be attached to one of the many outlets that are due to open (fingers crossed) some time next year. And for as long as I have lived, cooking was never part of my life. Both parents work their guts out so most of my life, I've ate only takeouts. I am constantly brown-bagging and frustrated about where to go and eat what everyday (and still am) and on top of that, I am always eating alone and so naturally, and gradually, I developed a habit of not eating or rather not finishing my food. But there are issues on top of being a brown-bagger my entire life that I will talk about, maybe in the later parts of this entry. I got a good feeling about this.
Anyway, I can't do anything else or think about anything else but the food that I am eating if I ever wanna finish it. I can't pause because when I do, I stop wanting to eat and it's a regular pattern and just recently, a friend pointed out that I never finish my meal and I'm like, hmm, and did a very philosophical-y looking nod, something knowingly. I am therefore very determined to quit that habit of not finishing and hello, look at the world, people are starving and I hope it work. It will.
So back to my career choice, (sorry if I derail a little) if you had read an entry I wrote some time back, there is this desperate plea for a position in the print media industry or journalism. I realized I really wanted to a film screenwriter. To put what I have in mind up on stage so everyone gets a share of what out of nothing, I have created something. But it was not to be. With more than just twists and fate and luck thrown in, I was enrolled under the tuition of the Culinary Institute of America (one of the prestigious schools of culinary arts in the States) at Temasek Polytechnic and I just graduated from a 3 year course end of February. And there was this sort of recruitment drive thing going on with RWS and TP so that's really how I got in. Anyone could tell you how tough it could be to waking up at 6am every morning, and going to work an hour away and doing things you don't necessarily enjoy or found meaning in and then on top of that, colleagues who were your coursemates who have different ideas to working as a responsible, open-hearted and minded adult. My probation was ending and so I have to make a choice between staying in Culinary or quit altogether and live on air and without money and false hopes that my resume would be pick up one day by a employer who is willing to trust and train me. And out of practicality and conventional reasons that I suck so bad at saving money, I chose Culinary. I chose to stay with my Executive Chef, at least for the next one year or so. I have expressed to him my lack of passion in Culinary although I don't hate it. And I wish for him to ignite the missing spark so we'll see how it goes. Right now, I'm just doing my job, whatever it is. Oh, there is a 2-day recruitment drive this coming weekend where the employment center place is, within walking distance from Redhill MRT. There are a lot of openings so do check it out!
Ok, so now let's talk about the appreciation for things and/ people around me. For the past decade, I've been fighting with myself and it would have ended in imminent bloodshed if weren't for the relevations I am going to seuge into right now. I'm too nice and too dumb for my own good and that's what it is. And also I don't love myself. I can't imagine loving another human being more than I should myself but I do. And of course, needless to say, I ended up pretty battered and scarred, all the time. And I'll usually just sit myself down and beat myself over the head with an imaginary sledge hammer so I wouldn't repeat the mistake again but I do it over and over again, just on a different person. It's stupid I know but I thought I couldn't leave it. But I am now :)
There are a few people I would like to say thanks, cause you were an integral part of the process of discovering who I am. And I thank you for the hurt you may have caused, consciously or not because the scars you have put on my heart, I've learnt to survive. And I will always survive. It's just time and new perspectives is all. And thanks for the memories, even when they come in back-breaking heavy baggages. And I have to thank a few others whom I've every honor and pleasure of knowing and keeping. I certainly hope you guys know who you are because without you guys, I would have just disintegrate literally into ashes and yes, pun intended :P I don't know if I am doing enough but I guess by taking good care of myself is a good first step. I am sure to spread that love cause that's what I do too. When I know how to love and care for myself, I wish to embark on a journey of helping others, like volunteer work cause I believe that is the most true and quickest way of feeling happiness with shared happiness. I've always wanted to make a person's day, to put a smile on his/her face so I could tick off the invisible boxes on my invisible self-listed quota :)
And tattoos. Wow, it's a word the invoked a lot of pain, a lot of money, a lot of time spent in pain, and conflicts with a lot of people, including my dear family. My mom wanted to disown me the last time I got tattooed and that tattoo, I would admit openly was a stupid mistake. People, please, please, I beg of you, do mull over the decision of getting tattooed if you are, even if you take a while. It's well worth it. Anyway, I got a key then, wrapped around my wrist, which is wrong, if you're getting a key cause usually with tattoos, you have to place it where you can see it in its entirety. So I contemplated a cover-up but I didn't come up with nothing concrete or substantial. I was with a friend at a tattoo parlor, on a Thursday evening and ended up getting a cover-up of 2 portraits of women. The tattoo started 8.30pm Thursday and didn't end until 4.30am Friday morning and I had to go to work straight. I never knew how much physical pain I could endure without food and water or any other kind of support but I made it through and these photos are taken immediately after the tattoo is done and here goes:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aschleigetara/
I love to be alive now, although it is largely filled with work and more work and I think, work. But all this hard work only proves that I am meant for something much larger than exhaustion. For those who don't know and would like to know, I am currently working with Resort World Sentosa, and for 3 months next 8th. I am under Universal Studios Singapore, Food & Beverage Department. I am going to be attached to one of the many outlets that are due to open (fingers crossed) some time next year. And for as long as I have lived, cooking was never part of my life. Both parents work their guts out so most of my life, I've ate only takeouts. I am constantly brown-bagging and frustrated about where to go and eat what everyday (and still am) and on top of that, I am always eating alone and so naturally, and gradually, I developed a habit of not eating or rather not finishing my food. But there are issues on top of being a brown-bagger my entire life that I will talk about, maybe in the later parts of this entry. I got a good feeling about this.
Anyway, I can't do anything else or think about anything else but the food that I am eating if I ever wanna finish it. I can't pause because when I do, I stop wanting to eat and it's a regular pattern and just recently, a friend pointed out that I never finish my meal and I'm like, hmm, and did a very philosophical-y looking nod, something knowingly. I am therefore very determined to quit that habit of not finishing and hello, look at the world, people are starving and I hope it work. It will.
So back to my career choice, (sorry if I derail a little) if you had read an entry I wrote some time back, there is this desperate plea for a position in the print media industry or journalism. I realized I really wanted to a film screenwriter. To put what I have in mind up on stage so everyone gets a share of what out of nothing, I have created something. But it was not to be. With more than just twists and fate and luck thrown in, I was enrolled under the tuition of the Culinary Institute of America (one of the prestigious schools of culinary arts in the States) at Temasek Polytechnic and I just graduated from a 3 year course end of February. And there was this sort of recruitment drive thing going on with RWS and TP so that's really how I got in. Anyone could tell you how tough it could be to waking up at 6am every morning, and going to work an hour away and doing things you don't necessarily enjoy or found meaning in and then on top of that, colleagues who were your coursemates who have different ideas to working as a responsible, open-hearted and minded adult. My probation was ending and so I have to make a choice between staying in Culinary or quit altogether and live on air and without money and false hopes that my resume would be pick up one day by a employer who is willing to trust and train me. And out of practicality and conventional reasons that I suck so bad at saving money, I chose Culinary. I chose to stay with my Executive Chef, at least for the next one year or so. I have expressed to him my lack of passion in Culinary although I don't hate it. And I wish for him to ignite the missing spark so we'll see how it goes. Right now, I'm just doing my job, whatever it is. Oh, there is a 2-day recruitment drive this coming weekend where the employment center place is, within walking distance from Redhill MRT. There are a lot of openings so do check it out!
Ok, so now let's talk about the appreciation for things and/ people around me. For the past decade, I've been fighting with myself and it would have ended in imminent bloodshed if weren't for the relevations I am going to seuge into right now. I'm too nice and too dumb for my own good and that's what it is. And also I don't love myself. I can't imagine loving another human being more than I should myself but I do. And of course, needless to say, I ended up pretty battered and scarred, all the time. And I'll usually just sit myself down and beat myself over the head with an imaginary sledge hammer so I wouldn't repeat the mistake again but I do it over and over again, just on a different person. It's stupid I know but I thought I couldn't leave it. But I am now :)
There are a few people I would like to say thanks, cause you were an integral part of the process of discovering who I am. And I thank you for the hurt you may have caused, consciously or not because the scars you have put on my heart, I've learnt to survive. And I will always survive. It's just time and new perspectives is all. And thanks for the memories, even when they come in back-breaking heavy baggages. And I have to thank a few others whom I've every honor and pleasure of knowing and keeping. I certainly hope you guys know who you are because without you guys, I would have just disintegrate literally into ashes and yes, pun intended :P I don't know if I am doing enough but I guess by taking good care of myself is a good first step. I am sure to spread that love cause that's what I do too. When I know how to love and care for myself, I wish to embark on a journey of helping others, like volunteer work cause I believe that is the most true and quickest way of feeling happiness with shared happiness. I've always wanted to make a person's day, to put a smile on his/her face so I could tick off the invisible boxes on my invisible self-listed quota :)
And tattoos. Wow, it's a word the invoked a lot of pain, a lot of money, a lot of time spent in pain, and conflicts with a lot of people, including my dear family. My mom wanted to disown me the last time I got tattooed and that tattoo, I would admit openly was a stupid mistake. People, please, please, I beg of you, do mull over the decision of getting tattooed if you are, even if you take a while. It's well worth it. Anyway, I got a key then, wrapped around my wrist, which is wrong, if you're getting a key cause usually with tattoos, you have to place it where you can see it in its entirety. So I contemplated a cover-up but I didn't come up with nothing concrete or substantial. I was with a friend at a tattoo parlor, on a Thursday evening and ended up getting a cover-up of 2 portraits of women. The tattoo started 8.30pm Thursday and didn't end until 4.30am Friday morning and I had to go to work straight. I never knew how much physical pain I could endure without food and water or any other kind of support but I made it through and these photos are taken immediately after the tattoo is done and here goes:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/aschleigetara/
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