救生圈

我不在乎 我就是爱哭
控制不了泪落下的速度

不在乎 太容易认输
说我傻我天真是个错误
需要再失去多少次的幸福
我才能觉悟

在每一个失望都藏着个希望
但我总是困在一艘没有救生圈的船
有些人只该欣赏 而不该去爱上
但我依然打开我的心再次受了伤

我哭够了
从这一刻我也该反省了

© 蔡健雅, 若你碰到他~ Track 7, 救生圈~
http://www.haoting.com/musiclist/ht_5004bccc764183b4.htm

Like the strangers who have passed you by, do you wish you know a little bit more about them apart from the distinctive color of their eye, the tales they could have told you if you had stopped for a while?

Like the sky you've been under forever, do you remember the last time it rain and you heard thunder rumbling over your head? The odd shapes the clouds took and the shades of blue

Like the last joke or compliment you have heard, do you still hear the lingering laughter and sincerity in your ears?

Like the last meal you’ve had, do you remember to stop for a minute just to savor, like it’d be the last meal you would ever have?

Do you remember your first kiss? The first beat your heart made for anyone else but yourself?

Like the hand you have just let go of, how long would you remember its warmth? And how tightly would you hold on to it the next time you hold it?

Like the person you have just bade goodnight, did you remember to place a soft kiss on his/her forehead and tell him/her with all your heart you love them?

Do you remember the last word you said last night, to the person you love or were pissed at?

Like the lights you have just so carelessly left on, do you see the earth withering away?

I have been telling myself that I should let whatever that has happened happen, that I will not try to fix anything or make anything work or convince anyone to talk to me again. And so it is done.

I am leaving their lives now, which I am quite sure pleases them immensely. Who was I in their lives I used to wanna know, I used to wanna measure with a pinch of salt but is now something I do not mind. I love them both and I'll always will, until I can't love, until I die, though they will never know.

I have to now learn to love myself, because no one would be able to like I do. To give myself as much attention and affection, to boldly do things I would never otherwise have done. It's not an easy task. I've spent my life pouring my heart out for someone else and I have always ended up feeling short-changed because no one would be able to match up to what I've given without question. The only one who did that is now dead and as much as I still love her, she can't love me anymore. She can't care for me and give me what I need. So I have to be the one who gives myself it, whatever it actually is.

I have to also quit being so emotional and sensitive, about someone else. I have to capture the moment of rationality and keep it. Some people are just not worth it. This is change, on a molecular basis. It's not just like a sun burnt. It's more like a change in the way I sense and react to everything and everyone. It is about what and who I would eventually attract into my life and in good faith. So I guess, we'll see if I'll do better.

Hell Knows No Fury Like A Gay Man Scorned. Indeed

It was a good enough day. After what seemed to be a crazy Friday. I missed work on Friday. A reason as mundane as that, a convenient excuse to escape work, even for a day and on such shaky excuses but you know, I got my Friday off so that made me happy. I am no stranger to the A&E and how rough I would be treated with an IV drip that wouldn't quite work. Pain is relative. Pain, unfortunately in this case, has failed to do its job at overwhelming. I, unfortunately, wouldn't just die.

I was an audience, the only one with the imagination. I sat down late this early afternoon for a film I was scheduled to watch last evening, alone. I have always been gently inspired and intrigued by movies and I wish that each time I bought a ticket, and sat down among the other people who I barely knew or remember a face, it was for a worthy experience that would come to stay with me for a while longer after the credits roll. It didn't quite, this time but it was just as worthy.

The film was called A Frozen Flower.

The Korean film released last December in Korea, and 23rd this month in Singapore tells of a gay King, whose empire lies on a thin thread without a heir to his kingdom, whose love and trust in his commander-in-security and bisexual lover, Hong Lin, ended up in deaths of both men but eventually an heir. The King, out of time and pure desperation, ordered Hong Lim, the only man he trusted besides himself, to impregnate his Queen. Hong Lim was reluctant of course, for he loved and served only the King. Or so I thought. He continued his affair behind the King's back, guilty and teary-eyed at first but eventually his feelings for the Queen went beyond the line of duty, beyond lust. He was discovering love outside of what he has shared with the King for that past decade. He gradually fell in love with the Queen and of course it infuriated the King beyond measures. However he had no intention of executing Hong Lim for the he still believed in their love which unfortunately, at the end, we realized was not mutual.

I don't wanna give it away too much because it'd be good for you guys to watch and interpret it in your own way. Just a kind reminder, the movie is rated R21 and for good reasons. However, there is this guy on Youtube who has already uploaded the film in segments so. It's your call.

I did not feel like talking today. And it was perfect for I only had to imagine quietly, feeling each and every emotion as they played on screen. I knew the ending before I knew it. It could not end well at all. It was a doomed destiny, which I'm sure translated clearly to everyone who watched it.

The cast were a gorgeous bunch, though I wouldn't think I would recognize either of them outside of the movie. The palace, the costumes, the fights and more importantly the sex were great! Soundtrack-wise, the actor who starred as the King lent his voice and you can catch a glimpse of it on the official website under multimedia which is the 3rd one of the selection at the bottom and click on the 4th one at the top for the clip. I'm not sure if it was dubbed but it's cool. My favorite character was the King. I like he trusted and continue to trust until the very end. Because I would have too.

I leave with you the official website of the movie and I apologize that it's in Korean but watch the trailer anyway. It's not too bad. Also, there is this other website that played the trailer with Chinese subtitles. Do explore the official website.

http://www.festivefilms.co/ (chinese subtitles)

http://www.ssanghwa.co.kr/ (official korean website)

Movies are meant to be felt with your heart, and not necessarily understood all the time.

阳光普照也好 狂风暴雨也不怕
爱过也好 失去了就算
曾经拥有过也只是曾经 从来没有过也只是等不到奇迹
而奇迹始终是人为
但人也有懦弱自私缺乏自信心的时候

有心跳的未必就是精力充沛有生命的
死掉了的东西也能因时常被想起讨论着而有了绵延不断的生命
现在身旁穿梭着的人事物提醒了你什么记得了就将它遗忘

主宰着现在的自己是哪个遗憾、缺口
想完成些什么事情
心里虽没答案但也无须太过顾虑 就让一切顺其自然

隐藏已久的伤口愈合了的也差不多了
是时候重新出发 去遇见下一个会被自己感动的人
学会如何对自己、他人诚实善良
残留在心中的温暖、勇气一定会是指引你走往幸福的方向
让你这辈子都能保持着微笑

不能和你一起

结束还是原谅 爱永远搁在远方
眼神不会说话 只有泪光
你给过希望 怎么能忘

是你填满温暖 让梦想有了翅膀
教我如何控制 风的方向
让我每一天能飞到更远的地方

不能和你一起 拥有喜悅和悲伤
不管走多远 步伐都没有力量
不能和你一起 走往这世界 幸福方向
孤单的身旁少了坚强 只有简单感伤

© 孙燕姿，The Moment Disc 1~ Track 4, 不能和你一起~
http://www.haoting.com/musiclist/ht_4e78de79f5114dc4.htm

凝视着透着微光的绿色酒瓶
持续降温着的啤酒似乎就相等于自己在这世上所剩下的时间
若不赶快将那剩余苦涩的啤酒喝完
就将会被报销，被浪费掉
就像生命一样，需要用心珍惜

我看着从我身边走过的人群
试着从这些陌生的面孔中找到自己活着的意义
想知道为何我还坐在这里
望着这些模糊面孔的我虽然依然找不到答案
但最起码我还在这里

心想，倘若今天你深爱着的我突然退出了这场生命， 与死神之间的残酷切磋终究瞬间喊停，只剩下短暂记忆的我在你心中是否依旧清晰美丽？
这分钟的我只想知道我在你心中的位子
在我离开的时候是否会听到你的轻声哭泣

我想我会说声对不起，
我提早走了， 牵着你的手不让你寂寞的人不再是我
离开你必非我逃避的借口
也明白着毅然离你而去的冲动会变成了你心碎的理由
但既然我们都没有反对或抵抗的权利， 我也豁然地接受了这结局

手心里从前握着的默契已转化成的勇气会代我指引着你， 往幸福的方向继续前进
这是我唯一能给你的最后惊喜

而这勇气藏着的也是我未来的命运

或许经过时间的冲淡， 经历了新的人事物， 你会在不知觉中把我忘记。
我不会怪你
因为我明白这世界不会为了任何人做出改变
更不会因为你的心碎而对你好一些
我只希望下一个她会是个比我更爱你的人， 让你不必孤单一人在人群中流浪着

你和我不一样
不会因失去了我而选择逃避
更不会因失去了我而在痛苦中寻求寄托，伤害自己
你会随身带着微笑， 以爱情的名义继续让世人感动

如果我像你如此潇洒就好了
付了帐
是时候走了。