So yeah.

Please don't tell me I'm strong, cause then I'll have to be strong. And I'm nothing like that. I am irresponsible, irrational, very selfish and stupid and doing nothing to better my god damn life. I have however just caught a movie and went out with a cool dude. I've known him what, 5 years now? I love him to bits. He would make a wonderful husband. Maybe not a boyfriend, but a wonderful, wonderful man he is. Maybe even a father. So, here's to you, Drew. It was a great movie and you were great! And yes, I'm not eating Magmum ice cream again.

Yesterday was well, on many levels, unbelievable but sort of predictable. I knew me for my stupidity and my irrationality and romance, none of which works in reality. I know me very well. And while I have no intention to hurt or freak anyone out which I seem to do so fucking well, I have and I'm terribly sorry. I was an idiot who didn't even possess half a teaspoon of brain in my fucking head. All I had was my heart.

All my life, I have been living on everyone else's double standards. What to say or do, who to emulate and please, who to patronise with a smile, and even who to hate and throw daggers at. How I should lead my life, how I should just forget about the nightmares that have plagued me for the last decade, how I should take up god damn driving because, man, it will benefit me greatly. How I should let go of the past and not hold on, especially when my palms and knuckles bleed. It's nothing like they painted me. When Tara died, I died. I cease to exist. It may sound awfully pathetic and it probably is but this is the sad truth. I will not love anything or anyone more than I love Tara. And she is or was the only thing in this god damn life that can ever hurt me. And it's the only thing I see now, the only thing I feel that reminded me at all of her. And I don't wanna feel like that. I don't wanna only feel the bleeding of her death. God damn it! My shirt is still stained. I want a new shirt. I want a new perspective. I want to not cry anymore. I want to not have my heart break every time I offer it up with both hands. I want a lot of things, a lot of things that only I have the power to achieve.

And I'm keeping it shut now. No more stupid crushes or feelings for strangers, no more hopes and expectations. No more waiting because it's the same fucking ending anyway. No more treating anyone with any respect because sometimes, they really do not deserve it. No more broadcasting what I feel or wearing my heart on my sleeve for the world to see. No more wallowing in self-pity. No more holding on to broken promises that no one cares to keep. No, my life won't be put on halt like this.

So...I've been thinking. I have to mirco-manage my life's schedule. I'll chase dreams I've put on hold for the last 10 years. I'll pick up sign language and German because it was a promise I made to Tara. I'll get a motorcycle license. I can fucking die on the fucking road for all I fucking care. I'll make a trip to Greece because, really, it's about fucking time I quit this procrastination and get on with it. I'll then maybe finish my writing projects and see where that take me. First, I have to discuss with my boss the possibility of switching to a part-time position. I really hope she agrees. God knows, I can't fucking function before 11 am in the morning. Besides, copywriting is really nothing I wanna make a career out of. I'll pick up roller-blading again because if you think about it, way more convenient and portable than a bicycle and the instances of theft is greatly minimised. I'm considering taking up boxing and/or kick-boxing if I ever wanna shed 10 kg off my hugh ass body. I'll save up so I can travel at least once every or half a year. I'll finish my 3/4 sleeve tattoo and more while I'm doing all of the above mentioned. It's gonna be a fucking rock concert!

So yeah.