I long to be like you, Lis
Lie cold in the ground like you
There is room inside for 2
And I'm not grieving for you
I'm calling for you.
2 wrongs make it all alright tonight. It was a very restless day. Time wouldn't pass any faster and my head wouldn't stop throbbing as if it's alive. I accumulated more cuts and such today and there's probably the only normal thing. I was so exhausted and I don't know why. I even overslept during my 45 minutes lunch break today, though it was fitful at best. I don't wanna blame it on the day and say that it suck but I'm just glad that I'm home right this minute, watching as time passes, and morning to come again. Things will change. For the better and it wouldn't leave no crimson stain on no white fabric and it would stop tainting her face.
I am only human, of flesh and bones I am made. I can't do this again. This intimate affair with pain. I'd give anything just to feed it, just so I would be inspired to do anything. I was looking for any excuses to cry, any excuses for my heart to break into a zillion pieces and leaving it in the cold wind so I could cry some more. It's nothing short of being unhealthy and highly negative but that was me, my life, what I'm mostly composited of and I'm not ashamed of it.
All my life, I've always just been jumping from one obligation to the next because it's the most conventional thing to do. And being conventional sometimes leaves no room for grief or hatred or loss and such. That accident took 2 lives with it and gave rise to guilt and remorse that would last a world forever. I wonder if that guy is even functioning, going on on his usual routine that probably involved more speed driving and alcohol. One thing I learn, is that you gonna give yourself time, ample amounts of it, and if you happen to receive some understanding and empathy, those things are great too but if you don't, it's fine. You gonna learn to let things slide and for other more important things to come into perspective and really, to just forgive yourself. There is nothing more you could have done. Nothing more I could have done to save her. All I could do was to let her know that she was loved and that everything is going to work out.
I kissed her for the last time and after that I could not taste nothing. My eyes hurt from all the crying and hiding. I put up the fakest composure possible and kept smiling, with nothing at all, radiating from my eyes but nobody could tell of course. I didn't wanna make a sound, or talk to anyone. I just wanted everything to be finished with, whatever that meant. I searched high and low for some kind of distraction and would fail at it miserably. And soon, it got dark, really dark, and the not having her around part sunk it significantly and it took over my life. I lost my identity, for it was the only thing I could identity with. At all. It was nothing but her. Everywhere. The sky, the people, the music I listen to, books, lights, the colors red and blue, the entire freaking world was yelling out her name and repeatedly playing her face and the accident in my head, our once perfectly fairytale-like life. I really thought I could die from feeling so much pain, and anger, emotionally or physically alike. But I have a life, I am still alive.
Over the years, I probably developed something akin to an obsession or at least verging it. I would actively bring her up in casual conversations, even with strangers. I would actively wanna see her name written out somewhere and not just in my head. I have dedicated an entire blog, or most of it anyway in her name and it was nothing but manifestations of what I felt inside and those are not pretty. A friend even suggested I should check myself in into some professional therapy program thing and of course, very quickly as that suggestion sprung in her sometimes self-centered brain, it vanished with my dismissive shrug. I actually laughed at that suggestion but I knew she meant well. She despised negativity and if you would check that word out in the dictionary, I am very well a fine illustration, right beside it. Anyway, it got better when I tried harder, to kinda sever a connection with her and things and life. I no longer relate the color blue with her eyes, or the color of honey and blond and strawberries to her hair and so on and so forth. I forgot how her lips taste like and the feeling of completeness when I would lay in bed with her at night, tangled up in sheets. I forgot what it was to be alive. That's how I got through it. I know that my loss is probably nothing as compared to the grand scheme of things but it doesn't undermine its impact and significance. It might had even magnified it a little, and blinding me for a bit there.
What would I say if I could just see her again...I would probably just say that I love you and that for as long my heart still beats, I would never forget you, what you have given and taught me, and what could have been. I would cease dishonoring and tainting your memory by living in the past. I would leave it, with only the good parts because that was what you were about. I would live life as fully as I can. I give thanks to the heavens that I met you. I will see you again.
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