Ok, it has been a long long while now and I thought it's time changes come into play. Believe it or otherwise, this is the 5th time I'm trying to update my blog and I hope something good would come out of it. I had to satiate the burning desire inside of me to write somehow.
The first couple weeks of the new semester has started and ended. I am officially going into the last semester of my junior year in TP as a Culinary and Catering student and you can give me money and free tattoos and still I wouldn't believe how fast time has actually passed. I still have no clue why I'm even part of this whole adventurous and downright fucked up but merticulously planned plot of churning the cream of the crop of the absolutely booming hospitality and tourism industries that are going to last for God knows how long. I'm already working towards my end of the 2nd semester of my 2nd year and next semester, it's but the 3 to 4 months SIP (There are already 3 overseas companies expressing their interests in us!) and it's good bye to poly life. And it's high chance I'll go right back to that particularly hazy crossroad that I had been 4 years ago, having to make the right choice for my future, where to go, where else to be, what else to get my hands dirty for and if I afford to. I mean, I still think I'm that worried 18 year old kid who wouldn't stand a chance to go to a polytechnic because it was just so damn unpredictable then. Now I'm on my merry path ending exactly that journey and hopefully a new exciting one would commence.
I've been trying and learning to adapt and that including sleeping in a little bit earlier. Well, for one thing, a good 8 to 10 hours of sleep quickens the metabolism rate and makes me look thinner and two, it takes me like 2 hours just to fall asleep. This semester, unlike the last, I'm no longer a chef. I am but a staff who needs authorization to enter the kitchens. I am now the headwaiter, assistant headwaiter, captain, bartender, waiter, runner, cashier and the steward for a 80-pax/cover casual café and a 69-pax/cover formal dining restaurant 2 days out of 5. And on top of that, I had to think in a triangle; as the Boss of the restaurant who just wanna cut losses and make profit, the Staff who is just surviving, getting along and the Patrons who wanna have a good time because apparently they had money. I would literally be running the 2 outlets on my own. That's hardly even register. Nonetheless I was freaked out and tired out. There are so many things my fingertips and brain have to hold and yes, literally. I have a near-broken last finger on my left because we have to hold everything with our left hands. You name it, we hold it. And like most people on the planet, I'm a right-hander and I have often neglected my left. We will be having 2 proficiency tests next week and the week or weeks after respectively and I don't think I'm prepared. I hope I am then. I'll get through this. I have to, I'm designed to.
And not forgetting I'm taking Accounting. Again and again and again and again, because I took it for 4 years. For the last 4 years, I have taken the subject in 2 different schools and I've managed to get a C in my last year simply because I had to. I wouldn't be able to graduate if otherwise. Right now, I'm starting a new slate. I wouldn't know anything about Accounts except for the 4 Accounting Assumptions and Balance Sheet because those were what I've learnt so far in 2 lectures. The pretending came like a breeze; I didn't even have to try. The other subject include Wine and Beverages which got the attention of a couple real affluent entrepreneurs offering scholarships. One of them being a Mr. Keith Mugford of Moss Wood Vineyard, Margaret River, Western Australia. The Aussie flew here and gave us a sensory workshop which is extremely rare and a honored experience according to our moody lecturer. We tasted his wines, white and red all of at least of a 5 years vintage and using our senses, scored them according to its color, its aroma, and the palate. Those bottles of wines are really of some quality, a bottle easily costing S$135. Maybe it was really an honor. Someone so experienced this willing and enthusiatic to share and all expenses paid for the lucky 2 who gets the scholarship. Spending 2 to 3 weeks just being where it all would start and perhaps ends although hearing that we would be spending that amout of time with the lecturer I've just mentioned probably just kill it. Everyone's less enthusiatic and driven somehow. I wonder why :P.
I've jotted some recipes and I really hope I'll get to try them out somehow because God, do I miss being in the kitchens or what?! Perhaps I could give you guys the recipes.
Ok. I've written, all right. And I didn't expect it to turn out the way it did. It has been all about school which I've portrayed in an almost perfectly positive light. Rare, some would say. Rare indeed.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
To Be or Not To Be?
Wow, overwhelming couple of days and nights. I just had what I would think was the longest and hardest conversation with my brother. My only brother is Christian, having accepted God into his life and heart some 3 years ago. And a minute ago, he was trying his hardest to convince me to do the same; to pray in forgiveness with him for I have sinned, to join him under the wing of the Lord and be granted eternity life up in heaven with him. I had to say no. I had to break up the party. My brother told me that if I said yes, it would be the happiest night of his life and that of those angels up above. There is supposedly going to be a party because one soul that is me has escaped the clutches of dear Satan and into the arms of Lord J. A huge huge part of me had wanted to say yes, because it made my brother happy. And then a larger part of me realized that if I said yes, I would be the world's greatest liar and I've always been an advocate of honesty.
My brother told me he knew I was gay and I was no longer trying to hide my tattoos. (My mom still thinks it's just a sticker :P and I'm not complaining). And yesterday I was brought to the Accident and Emergency Department of the nearest hospital because well, the doctors still couldn't tell me what's wrong with me 'cept I had a heartbeat faster than most people. I was put on the IV drip and now I know how much it hurt. I have bruisings on both my hands from the drip and blood tests as I typed now. I also went through 1 X-ray screening and 2 ECGs, like a heart scan to check your heartbeat. It was uncomfortable lying on the bed and I scratched my thigh pretty badly against the sharp corner of the clipped file beside my bed when I tried to get off to go to the ladies. The doctor could only refer me to a cardiologist and the appointment is set this coming Wednesday. We'll see what happens. I'm kinda tired from spending every weekend the past month at the doctors just so they could tell me they don't know what's wrong with me. And of course, the money spent out of own pocket. Anyway, my brother got news and he and his chapel mates got together and sent out a prayer to God for me. They prayed with all their hearts that God will be there with me and for me by my bedside and that I survived. My brother realized that it's time I join him, to find meaning in my life, to ask for forgiveness, to have a chance to convince others to do the same, etc. I can't. I was really touched.
It was the first time in 17 years he sat me down, and in his hand, the bible and in his heart, an open door that welcomed God. He was willing to spend time with me to help me out of this apparently one-way road to destruction. I never would have asked anything like that from him. We were never close, I was always jealous of him because my parents were proud of him. He was the better looking one and well, very much straight and healthly. And tonight, he posed me the most difficult 'to be or not to be'. I couldn't deny him only for the fact that he is my blood brother and he meant well. But I have to deny him because of who I am. I am gay and tattooed and I've violated 2 of God's not-to-do. My brother even read me the lines or whatever you called it from the bible to let me know my mistakes. He knows, he actually knows. All these years, I've tried to hide it, hide who I am from him, my only family. My parents don't know yet and I could only imagine their reactions.
I don't know if things will ever be the same. I know I'm heading straight to hell and be tortured for the rest of all eternity just because I'm honest and being myself. I could have easily said yes and tonight would mark my salvation. I really don't know. I love my brother and if whatever he said was true, I've just lost that right.
"I wish I'll die tonight so I'll be freed from tomorrow
Of all pain and sorrow, from words and judgement of God's
I hate to think I'm meant to die for who I am, of what I feel
Why? Why give me life when you just want me to lie?
I'll really have an easier time to just die
Everyone will get on just fine
And Time shall just heal things right
Why, a fiery death, an eternity of hell and torment?
What have I done wrong?
The only time it felt right was the only time I didn't breathe and it was the only truth.
I had quiet and peace.
Silence and ease.
And no more pain, and no more."
My brother told me he knew I was gay and I was no longer trying to hide my tattoos. (My mom still thinks it's just a sticker :P and I'm not complaining). And yesterday I was brought to the Accident and Emergency Department of the nearest hospital because well, the doctors still couldn't tell me what's wrong with me 'cept I had a heartbeat faster than most people. I was put on the IV drip and now I know how much it hurt. I have bruisings on both my hands from the drip and blood tests as I typed now. I also went through 1 X-ray screening and 2 ECGs, like a heart scan to check your heartbeat. It was uncomfortable lying on the bed and I scratched my thigh pretty badly against the sharp corner of the clipped file beside my bed when I tried to get off to go to the ladies. The doctor could only refer me to a cardiologist and the appointment is set this coming Wednesday. We'll see what happens. I'm kinda tired from spending every weekend the past month at the doctors just so they could tell me they don't know what's wrong with me. And of course, the money spent out of own pocket. Anyway, my brother got news and he and his chapel mates got together and sent out a prayer to God for me. They prayed with all their hearts that God will be there with me and for me by my bedside and that I survived. My brother realized that it's time I join him, to find meaning in my life, to ask for forgiveness, to have a chance to convince others to do the same, etc. I can't. I was really touched.
It was the first time in 17 years he sat me down, and in his hand, the bible and in his heart, an open door that welcomed God. He was willing to spend time with me to help me out of this apparently one-way road to destruction. I never would have asked anything like that from him. We were never close, I was always jealous of him because my parents were proud of him. He was the better looking one and well, very much straight and healthly. And tonight, he posed me the most difficult 'to be or not to be'. I couldn't deny him only for the fact that he is my blood brother and he meant well. But I have to deny him because of who I am. I am gay and tattooed and I've violated 2 of God's not-to-do. My brother even read me the lines or whatever you called it from the bible to let me know my mistakes. He knows, he actually knows. All these years, I've tried to hide it, hide who I am from him, my only family. My parents don't know yet and I could only imagine their reactions.
I don't know if things will ever be the same. I know I'm heading straight to hell and be tortured for the rest of all eternity just because I'm honest and being myself. I could have easily said yes and tonight would mark my salvation. I really don't know. I love my brother and if whatever he said was true, I've just lost that right.
"I wish I'll die tonight so I'll be freed from tomorrow
Of all pain and sorrow, from words and judgement of God's
I hate to think I'm meant to die for who I am, of what I feel
Why? Why give me life when you just want me to lie?
I'll really have an easier time to just die
Everyone will get on just fine
And Time shall just heal things right
Why, a fiery death, an eternity of hell and torment?
What have I done wrong?
The only time it felt right was the only time I didn't breathe and it was the only truth.
I had quiet and peace.
Silence and ease.
And no more pain, and no more."
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Jinxed with a capital J
Ok, so I started the fucking day on a fucking bad note. But this one comes with a disclaimer so here goes. When I was writing this entry in my cell phone, I was just fucked up, exhausted and sick. When I finally got home and post it up here, I'm just fucked and sick. So...I knew disclaimers have their worth. But of course, pardon the language. This is just me. Or rather Was.
First I had to wake up 6.20 am for work while everyone goes away to celebrate, then I had to be a fucking idiot who dropped her cell on the the darn fucking road, completed with asphalt, carbon and stones and whatever they throw in to make roads. And I might have really lost the soft outer layer of the left side of my earpiece for good when the cell tangled and hit the ground. Oh My Fucking God! I've not been able to listen to my mp3 player either because the fucking headphones died on me weeks ago. Music was and still is the only non-judgemental-y salvation and now I'm left with nothing. And I also realized I can't make nor answer phone calls. Something has absolutely gone busted in the little gadget. While I've literally turned into an unpredictable land mine and totally pissed at the universe, I still had to go through 12 hours of whatever crap at work. The world and its little equally fucked up people are pitting against me. Hell, I AM pitting against myself, for that matter. Being broke, finding the absolutely fucked up job for the month, met and worked with some of the worst people, the darn pain-inflicting wisdom tooth and my glorious health condition I'm tryin' to salvage with vitamins and herbs the doctors prescribed. I still have to make appointments with specialists which I know for a fact I would have neither time and money for. I know I've just been a lousy person these days full of grudges and feeling just deprived. But I'm sure the less deprived me will come back in no time. Till then, whoever reads my entries has to bear with me. I'm really sorry.
I always assumed that I can be kind and generous about almost everything like allowing my fucked up self to do whatever stupid things I've done and whatever happened with the cell. I'm just really exhausted, you know. I know I've made some really stupid mistakes, the road along my life this far. I'm digging my own grave. Well, at least I didn't do things that would guarantee me a certain death, like cigarettes and drugs and fucking strangers. Ah, comfort....
2 nights ago, I was waiting for my dad near the train station and there was my high school, just sitting there quietly in the dark of night for as long as I knew it had been. I've not gone back to visit 2, 3 years now and as I stood there, looking at its trademark blues and white exterior, I felt the weight of memories heavy on my heart. It wasn't something I was looking for and it got so heavy I had to sit down. One thing I've noticed was a color pattern - blue. Tara had the most gorgeous stories-telling eyes of azure, the color of the long sleeved shirt she died in and how blue was always my favorite comfort color. I felt the literal surge of colors and emotions and memories that has hitched a ride into me. I am living in a place I had 5 years ago, the high school and those who vaguely knew Tara are still alive...etc. I'm still living where I was, albiet going through different experiences, fighting different battles. Am I even here anymore?
Ever strike you how some people are there to offer you the world and how some just wanna take it away from you? We are really just talking about random incidents that have happened to me and well, if you counted God in. Ha! But it's difficult talking about some guy who's rather non-existent and I'm hardly ever friends with. You can't say aloud that things in your life were going perfect because that's when you jinxed it and The Powers That Be hear you and they go out of their way to completely wreck your life, turn it inside out and yes, pun intended, it's exactly how i feel like. Just read on. I mean, it's not a secret that everyone has a jealous streak, especially that guy who lives above with the stars. I was just reminded. Just when I thought my cardio and digestive conditions have taken a laying low strategy, they came back full strength, with a vengeance. It could very well been the lunch, I don't know. I spent the day and now night pretty much feeling ultra-nauseous and breathless. The perfect ending to a fucked up day I ventured.
"Problems are like the volcanic mountains in the far distant.
You see them, you know they are coming.
But they might just always be sitting in that far distant.
So don't sweat it.
Walk in light steps your destiny and find whatever you need.
Let things unfold and work their senseless logic at their own pace
No need to fret."
See, even I can come up with something a little of the more sunny variety. Changes, I appreciated them. Countdown 4 days.
First I had to wake up 6.20 am for work while everyone goes away to celebrate, then I had to be a fucking idiot who dropped her cell on the the darn fucking road, completed with asphalt, carbon and stones and whatever they throw in to make roads. And I might have really lost the soft outer layer of the left side of my earpiece for good when the cell tangled and hit the ground. Oh My Fucking God! I've not been able to listen to my mp3 player either because the fucking headphones died on me weeks ago. Music was and still is the only non-judgemental-y salvation and now I'm left with nothing. And I also realized I can't make nor answer phone calls. Something has absolutely gone busted in the little gadget. While I've literally turned into an unpredictable land mine and totally pissed at the universe, I still had to go through 12 hours of whatever crap at work. The world and its little equally fucked up people are pitting against me. Hell, I AM pitting against myself, for that matter. Being broke, finding the absolutely fucked up job for the month, met and worked with some of the worst people, the darn pain-inflicting wisdom tooth and my glorious health condition I'm tryin' to salvage with vitamins and herbs the doctors prescribed. I still have to make appointments with specialists which I know for a fact I would have neither time and money for. I know I've just been a lousy person these days full of grudges and feeling just deprived. But I'm sure the less deprived me will come back in no time. Till then, whoever reads my entries has to bear with me. I'm really sorry.
I always assumed that I can be kind and generous about almost everything like allowing my fucked up self to do whatever stupid things I've done and whatever happened with the cell. I'm just really exhausted, you know. I know I've made some really stupid mistakes, the road along my life this far. I'm digging my own grave. Well, at least I didn't do things that would guarantee me a certain death, like cigarettes and drugs and fucking strangers. Ah, comfort....
2 nights ago, I was waiting for my dad near the train station and there was my high school, just sitting there quietly in the dark of night for as long as I knew it had been. I've not gone back to visit 2, 3 years now and as I stood there, looking at its trademark blues and white exterior, I felt the weight of memories heavy on my heart. It wasn't something I was looking for and it got so heavy I had to sit down. One thing I've noticed was a color pattern - blue. Tara had the most gorgeous stories-telling eyes of azure, the color of the long sleeved shirt she died in and how blue was always my favorite comfort color. I felt the literal surge of colors and emotions and memories that has hitched a ride into me. I am living in a place I had 5 years ago, the high school and those who vaguely knew Tara are still alive...etc. I'm still living where I was, albiet going through different experiences, fighting different battles. Am I even here anymore?
Ever strike you how some people are there to offer you the world and how some just wanna take it away from you? We are really just talking about random incidents that have happened to me and well, if you counted God in. Ha! But it's difficult talking about some guy who's rather non-existent and I'm hardly ever friends with. You can't say aloud that things in your life were going perfect because that's when you jinxed it and The Powers That Be hear you and they go out of their way to completely wreck your life, turn it inside out and yes, pun intended, it's exactly how i feel like. Just read on. I mean, it's not a secret that everyone has a jealous streak, especially that guy who lives above with the stars. I was just reminded. Just when I thought my cardio and digestive conditions have taken a laying low strategy, they came back full strength, with a vengeance. It could very well been the lunch, I don't know. I spent the day and now night pretty much feeling ultra-nauseous and breathless. The perfect ending to a fucked up day I ventured.
"Problems are like the volcanic mountains in the far distant.
You see them, you know they are coming.
But they might just always be sitting in that far distant.
So don't sweat it.
Walk in light steps your destiny and find whatever you need.
Let things unfold and work their senseless logic at their own pace
No need to fret."
See, even I can come up with something a little of the more sunny variety. Changes, I appreciated them. Countdown 4 days.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Finding and Fucking
Maybe I'll learn to fly
Out of this place, out of me and my head
Perhaps I'll dive
So I'll learn how not to die, without a smile
Or, I could just walk away with my legs, they're all I've got
Away from it all, away from what's Life
Healing is about Living and Lying
Living is Finding and Fucking
So as long as you're lucky
You should find whatever it is.
Countdown to 17th of October, I would seriously open a bottle of champagne or something on that particulary day or rather late evening or I could just be too tired to even get up to say hi. It'd be a Wednesday, it'd be the last day. It'd be euphoric.
I've seen the draft but it's incomplete so we'll see. It's a little bigger than my palm and it's going to be on my right side where the TARA tattoo already is. He's combining the 2 together to make them look like 1 which I hope it looks great cause I just love the TARA tattoo so darn much! This would be a gift to myself, considering I'd be 21 soon. Ha, the perfect excuse. But of course, I was giving it away; whoever knew me knew I would get a tattoo with or without an excuse.
And also I'm doing something. I would posting stuff, like writings mostly. It just helps pass the time, you know. Feel free to comment.
Out of this place, out of me and my head
Perhaps I'll dive
So I'll learn how not to die, without a smile
Or, I could just walk away with my legs, they're all I've got
Away from it all, away from what's Life
Healing is about Living and Lying
Living is Finding and Fucking
So as long as you're lucky
You should find whatever it is.
Countdown to 17th of October, I would seriously open a bottle of champagne or something on that particulary day or rather late evening or I could just be too tired to even get up to say hi. It'd be a Wednesday, it'd be the last day. It'd be euphoric.
I've seen the draft but it's incomplete so we'll see. It's a little bigger than my palm and it's going to be on my right side where the TARA tattoo already is. He's combining the 2 together to make them look like 1 which I hope it looks great cause I just love the TARA tattoo so darn much! This would be a gift to myself, considering I'd be 21 soon. Ha, the perfect excuse. But of course, I was giving it away; whoever knew me knew I would get a tattoo with or without an excuse.
And also I'm doing something. I would posting stuff, like writings mostly. It just helps pass the time, you know. Feel free to comment.
Friday, October 5, 2007
"Fortune Favors The Brave"
I was so depressed I killed Patience
Stuck in a place I rarely got out of
Stuck in a vicious cycle that is myself and the world
I held on to my end of the bargain but it wasn't enough
No, it was never enough
I did what I did. Faith, Love and honesty but each time I fell harder than before
Why, I'd ask but no answer. No Light
I'm just back to square one but I'm not back
I just wanna be Ash again. Me. Human.
We should have been forever, girl
We were inseparable
But God, HE was so jealous
HE had to personally write my end
Tore me slowly apart, and forget to put me back
So I'm off the beaten path
Just waiting for hell
Till then, denial.
Where are you now?
Are you well and free, even better when you were with me?
I sure as hell wish you were, lover
Is it all light fluffy clouds and heavy golden harps with a bird eye's view of your past, my present?
I wish you'd smile.
Well, I've not been updating like a good girl for a couple of days now. I could start with my glorious health condition. It's a little complicated, I'm no doctor so let's see if I could make it easier. The doctor said it has been a viral infection when I was really really little, like when I was 7 or something. And it wasn't dealt with but if it did, it has been a terribly slow process. My immune system is currently under siege so the doctor hooked me up on vitamins and chinese herbs and stuff to build up my immune system again. It's the only way to fight viruses so we'll see. And also she told me i have to get myself back on the right track before I turn 25 because then, it would be very difficult to get my health back. And it's 4 Novembers from now. She also suggested massaging certain acupoints of my body so I could breathe a little easier. I could sleep better, I could concentrate better and not be under the impression that I suffer ADD and whatnots. But I wasn't really doing the massages so like I said, we'll see.
I'm left with a week at work and that made me really happy. It meant a sort of victory and perserverance for me although I was just full of crap and shit when I get home, complaining about virtually everything. The 2nd job dropped me so I'm not very happy about that. I need to look for another really really extremely flexible part time job to fit into my school schedule. And I don't know what I'm looking for, for someone who needs so much of rest and personal time for things to sink, it's just best not to work. At All. But I can't, I don't think. These days at work, I try to write, bits and pieces of lines here and there on little pieces of rough paper. I wish I could play the guitar or something so I could put these lines to good use, like write them into songs.
I'm thinking of getting a new mp3 player when I can. The one that I have now, well, it'd be made to work a little bit harder. A friend of mine has gotten herself attached to an old acquaintance she coincidently bumped into a month ago. I think she referred to her as a stepping stone. Hmm, a very cruel but real phrase to use and rather apt, 'stepping stone'. I could never just get a 'stepping stone' although, truth be told, I wouldn't mind not being single now. But no thank you.
Stuck in a place I rarely got out of
Stuck in a vicious cycle that is myself and the world
I held on to my end of the bargain but it wasn't enough
No, it was never enough
I did what I did. Faith, Love and honesty but each time I fell harder than before
Why, I'd ask but no answer. No Light
I'm just back to square one but I'm not back
I just wanna be Ash again. Me. Human.
We should have been forever, girl
We were inseparable
But God, HE was so jealous
HE had to personally write my end
Tore me slowly apart, and forget to put me back
So I'm off the beaten path
Just waiting for hell
Till then, denial.
Where are you now?
Are you well and free, even better when you were with me?
I sure as hell wish you were, lover
Is it all light fluffy clouds and heavy golden harps with a bird eye's view of your past, my present?
I wish you'd smile.
Well, I've not been updating like a good girl for a couple of days now. I could start with my glorious health condition. It's a little complicated, I'm no doctor so let's see if I could make it easier. The doctor said it has been a viral infection when I was really really little, like when I was 7 or something. And it wasn't dealt with but if it did, it has been a terribly slow process. My immune system is currently under siege so the doctor hooked me up on vitamins and chinese herbs and stuff to build up my immune system again. It's the only way to fight viruses so we'll see. And also she told me i have to get myself back on the right track before I turn 25 because then, it would be very difficult to get my health back. And it's 4 Novembers from now. She also suggested massaging certain acupoints of my body so I could breathe a little easier. I could sleep better, I could concentrate better and not be under the impression that I suffer ADD and whatnots. But I wasn't really doing the massages so like I said, we'll see.
I'm left with a week at work and that made me really happy. It meant a sort of victory and perserverance for me although I was just full of crap and shit when I get home, complaining about virtually everything. The 2nd job dropped me so I'm not very happy about that. I need to look for another really really extremely flexible part time job to fit into my school schedule. And I don't know what I'm looking for, for someone who needs so much of rest and personal time for things to sink, it's just best not to work. At All. But I can't, I don't think. These days at work, I try to write, bits and pieces of lines here and there on little pieces of rough paper. I wish I could play the guitar or something so I could put these lines to good use, like write them into songs.
I'm thinking of getting a new mp3 player when I can. The one that I have now, well, it'd be made to work a little bit harder. A friend of mine has gotten herself attached to an old acquaintance she coincidently bumped into a month ago. I think she referred to her as a stepping stone. Hmm, a very cruel but real phrase to use and rather apt, 'stepping stone'. I could never just get a 'stepping stone' although, truth be told, I wouldn't mind not being single now. But no thank you.
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