God, what is wrong with you?

2 weeks now and I'm starting to feel the toil. The toil of not doing nothing at all. I've just been sitting alone and waiting. For something to struck, for something to make or break. Whatever works for me.

Life takes on different forms and one being a mundane chore, not filled with amazing extraordinary things like mine was. And then something happened. You're not sure if it's meant to be but somehow somewhere along the line it's the only comfort. You're not sure if you could walk away from it, changed, better. And you're not sure if it's the thing that would eventually take over your life, killing dinner plans and rare elation, hopes and dreams. Isn't life supposed to just be mundane?

As I sat typing, I'm not sure if I've lived today or the days before, for the last 2 weeks, now going into its 3rd. I'm such a loser, livin' off and on borrowed time. Everyone has got something to do, everyone but me. Everyone has something to look forward to, 'cept me. Ok, now I see where this is going - it's one of those entries where I could complain and then come back a couple weeks later realizing, 'oh fuck no, that wasn't me at all.' Unfortunately, it's kinda the routine. I just needed to vent and no one reads it anyway which would so justify it.

I think I'll come back.

E's back, after almost 2 months, she's back. A little jet-lag but back. She came back to me, and to J. And J.

I don't wanna be sounding bitter or god forbids it, jealous or whatever but I thought I've got it under control, my feelings and how I would feel and react to certain things. I thought I got it all figured out and covered nicely. Apparently not so much. There are still things that needed figuring out and more feelings that I have to deny ever having.

God, what is wrong with me?! Do I not understand? Do I not get it at all? She's never going to love you, you moron who possibly had Delusional Paranoia. She's in love with another, and my money's on J who made her happy and should in turn make me happy because she's happy. But I'm not. And I hated it. I hated myself for thinking and behaving the way I have. It'll all go away I'm sure. It had to.

Chair, and Me In It

Hi, I think I'm sick. Like emotionally sick. 3 hours ago I was a crazy person sitting in front of my computer just typing and typing and reorganizing thoughts in my head as bits and pieces of my story fall into place. Fast forward 3 hours, I'm feeling like my heart is going to break into pieces and not going to fall into places. Ever. And it was the same kind I feel whenver I would look down on my wrist.

I know I should have known. That it's merely a fabrication. Something to keep me in my chair until everything blows away. I should be happy that she wrote to me today, telling about menses cramps, nice beautiful parcels and then there was also that possible trip to do volunteer work in Colombia.

I'm such a bad person and selfish too. My best friend wants to go do volunteer work for a couple of months and I should be happy and be supportive of her. But all I ever could think about is the distance between us. There is so much going on in her life and I couldn't be there for her and with her, to share, to laugh with or even to be angry about or cry over with. I never believe I could miss someone as bad, but I did. I keep thinkin' that she's moving away faster than I can possibly handle and maybe, just maybe we were never close to start with. No, that last thought would have been so wrong...we were close, before and now and in the future....God!

A long time ago, she sort of almost made me a promise that she would come to Singapore to visit me and she would rent an apartment so I could go stay with her for however long...and now she's telling that 'no, it's cancelled. i never made any such plans with you.' I know even if her parents allow her the trip to Columbia which she and I highly doubt so, it would only be a few months and maybe after that I can actually see her but.....she's just too fast and too far away from me....and I miss her...I really do...but I'm proud of her for doing the things she does, the dreams she has.

A few months ago I started wearing the wrist band around my wrist religiously, as if my life depended on it. It was her first gift for me and the Greeks believed that it would ward evil spirits and keep the wearer protected and blessed. As the time without her grows, I found myself at two ends. A part of me wanted to wear the wrist band or at least be able to see it all the time and a part of me just wanna put it away so it doesn't hurt as bad. Just so you know, people, I am wearing the wrist band as I typed. I have mixed feelings for her and I don't want her to know.

I used to harbor this gigantic crush on her when I first met her last December. (God, I think she is so going to kill me with a knife if she could right now) I remembered the first time I saw her, or rather her display picture on MSN, it was a girl standing with her elbows on the tabletop behind her in what looks like a kitchen to me. She wasn't smiling at all. And thank god, I eventually change that fact. I wonder if anyone told her how beautiful she was when she smiled. But anyway, we talked more and we knew about each other more and we fully embraced the next person for who they truly are and might become. And then there was first email from her and it pretty much set the tone for the rest of the months, at least for me. As the days and weeks and months go, the more I feel I'm attracted to her. Initially I brushed it off as an infatuation, something that will pass sooner or later. Then we started chatting and I told her about this dream that I had, regarding her. If only I knew I was setting myself up for a big heartbreak...but anyway, it was a crazy 2 weeks for me after that. I couldn't eat nor sleep. It was a first for me. It was like I'm at my lowest, 24/7 and I couldn't help it...it's something that has to work itself out on its own and thankfully, it did, after 2 weeks. I was almost myself again. There were still a hurdle or 2 that I had to cross, of course and silly stupid jealousy to get over with but I did so it was cool. I actually worked around the fact that there was never any way in hell she would fall for me. (Funny how it's one of those memorable things that got stuck) Then there was Javier, the Spanish prince charming standing at 180cm with broad shoulders, a decent-looking face and charming words. We have never really spoken so I don't really know him at all but I knew his love for her. And I thought that was enough.

He was a man who made her happy, the person who sort of took my place to make her happy. Then there was the crazy and stupid and very uncalled for riots and whatnots in her school and whatever that was going on in school was put on halt, exams and classes...it was crazy but i guess it's how people there and around the world settle problems. And because of the riots, exams and classes were all squeezed into matters of weeks and months. She was probably driven crazy with non-stop revisions and exam schedules. I know I was. But thank god, salvation came in the light of Summer. She was finally able to rest and breath easy again. It was the holiday and she was going home.

And she was gone...for months. And sometimes, it sucked not having her around...who am i kidding, it always suck since she has returned home. I was ecstatic she was home, no more school, no more ridiculous exam schedules. I don't know, maybe I'm just reading too much into it..I must have been crazy. Though truth be told, i still wish somehow, just somehow she might just visit me one of these days....And also, I didn't write this entry just so I could make our lives difficult...I just wanna have some right to stick around in her life, whatever role I might play.

What Breaks, Mend Too

A couple hours ago, not sure if I were any more awake than I am as I write this entry now, I was stoked that I got an email from my best friend, E. But it wasn't so pretty as soon as I started reading, realizing why I got an email from her. She told me that she has decided to call it off with her Spanish boyfriend, J. I'm not sure how I feel. I just know I have to be there for her, for whatever she needs, whenever it is. J loves her, that even I can tell. They met online, in a forum kinda thing on the internet and eventually charming J won E over. He made her feel like she's the most important person, with voicemails, phone calls and emails and online conversations. I wish I knew the guy better. They were supposed to meet for the first time in Athens this October and J had already even bought the ticket as a surprise. He just wanna spend some real time with his girl is all.

If I assume correctly, I would probably think that what made E decided what she did, it was because of what she cannot do or promise and support and what J has been doing. There has apparently been a tilt in balance. Now E and J are brokenhearted.

I love this girl to bits and pieces ever since I known her and all I could ever ask for is that she's happy, with a good man, with a good job and a family that I know would always be behind her, supporting and loving her. She would always paint me a beautiful picture of what our future would be like, all full of faith, all full of beliefs and all full of anticipation. We are going to take over the world, with our eyes, with our legs and hands and me, a reason to be covered in tattoos, the way I wanted it to be. She's my angel, important person. And now I can't do shit to help her get through this decision. J could very well be the man she needed, nobody has the answer, nobody could possibly. And all these time that I've known her, she has been this fiercely driven, and highly independent girl that needed no one and somehow a part of her thinks that she's not worth of a good man, a good love, a wedding that is worth mentioning even after 70 long years. She thinks she's selfish when it comes to relationships with boys. And meeting J would have changed that thought, or so I thought. And I always hate how she would think that. I would think that I'm the one that isn't worth loving.

I don't know exactly what has went down between those 2. I would never really ask about him or them. I just have to know that she enjoyed his company, his love and his affection. It's between them anyway. A shared affection, a shared happiness. Not mine. I wish I could do more...but I kinda promise her that I wouldn't talk about it.

Looking back on things, and gladly looking past that crush, I was there when she realized her affection to J, the first time she answered J's phone call, his first voice mail, his first gift that had her name on it etc....maybe, just maybe, things will work out...I just have to there for her.

Re: 170807

29 April 2007

Well, it just didn't feel right. Now it does. The first week of the new term has come and gone. And god, it was more than merely adjustments but a complete 360 degree change. My sleeping pattern gradually changed, there was a whole lot of discipline and punctuality and precison and team spirit thrown into the mix that is me, Ashley Tara. All 3 classes were pretty much going through the same shit, a.k.a the Culinary Hell (as aptly dubbed by our wonderful Chef H. ). Everyone's waking 5 a.m. every morning and probably wouldn't get home until late evening just to suffer the onslaught of backaches and cuts and bruises and fatigue that was the after effects of spending 8 hours, racing against time and brain cells in the newly built but yet completed demo theatre and kitchens. Not to mention the numerous bags and stuff we had to carry while struggling up the bus or the train and when it does rain in the morning, it's just really really bad. But also because of that, yes the silver lining of whatever cloud, the 3 classes were more bonded together and it was, to me one of the most important and beautiful thing in trying times to have resulted. Everyone was helpful and understanding and kept that sense of light-ness and humor, knowing whatever they have to go through, that other guy from the other class at that other station they didn't realize previously of their existence is experiencing the same thing too..this is really just human nature, I would say...but beautiful. The other beautiful thing is that, we've learnt. And we still are. Stuff about stuff that we didn't previously figure out or knew about cooking and food and mentality towards cooking. And most of them, just kind of common sense.

There were 3 chefs flying in from CIA, Culinary Institute of America that is this pretigious and star-studded institute. They were Chef Ken James W., Chef Marc Something Haymon (can't remember the middle name for there isn't much interaction with the great Pastry man/master yet) and lastly, Chef Hinnerk Winhelm Von Bargen. As most people would have already noticed by his last name, Chef H's German and he has worked in many countries, Beijing for example, and he met his wife of almost a decade there and had a beautiful 8 year old daughter. He's this 1.90cm or more guy who I kept visualizing would poke his eyes and forehead against the sharp corners of the plasma tv and the cupboard whenever he would walk too near...Anyway, I've met them, his wife and daughter twice so I know...you know, just in case you're wondering. Chef Ken and Chef Marc on the other hand, are typical native Americans with Chef K possessing more than 30 years of experience in the culinary world. It was a total blast and honor to learn from these chefs who thank God, didn't lose their quirky sense of humor and humanity to the merciless hell of toiling and cooking.

This is how a typical day would go and warning: could be rather stale. Grooming inspection starts at around 7.50, for by then, anyone who's sane would already have been there, in full U and with whatever that was going through their minds at the time standing in a line. Sometimes, the tutor, Mr. Sarcastic-and-always-missing-the-mark J Sim would come round or Chef Ken, or Ms B Wilson, the other tutor, telling us what we've done correctly so far in the morning or in the kitchen the previous evening or if any, something we might have screwed up that morning. So far we have been great; punctual, perfectly dressed and having done a wonderful beef consomme etc...I guess everyone's pretty much adapted to the routine of waking up before dawn and going home after sunset. For the next couple of hours, there will be a demostration by Chef H, (so far it was him) demostrating what we have to do later in the kitchen. Along the way, questions were thrown between both directions and it was very interesting how inquistive some people are. To better faciliate teaching and interacting, there are 3 cameras and plasma tvs basically showing the demostration so we could really see if the color of the food changes, or if it's boiling or simmering etc...Ms Wilson, she's one messed up person when it comes to operating those cameras, zooming in and out at the exact wrong timing...we could never understand her. The class of 59, separated into Group A and B with A going into the kitchen and cooking right after whatever they have just sat through and B out for an hour lunch. After lunch, B comes back for the lecture covering topics for the next day before going into the kitchen. Group A, of course comes back in and sit through the same lecture after cooking wraps....School mostly ends around 4 to 5pm, that is, if we didn't have classes after that, which would then be ending around 6pm... Told you it could get a little stale..but I gotten do what I had to.

We've been practising knife skills and I tell you, no one suck at it more than I do. And I'm not even going to be talking about my various deep cuts (on my fingers). You'll know how precision really comes in when it comes to cutting stuff and really, I think I didn't put in any effort to doing it, otherwise it wouldn't have turned up shit. Anyway, it's the only thing so far that has made me not enjoy this thing as much..I'm having another knife skills practice tomorrow, we'll see what happens...

Ok, the previous part of this entry was written a week after my first week in TCA. Now that I'm nearing the end, I should perhaps give it an update of what have gone down. And I think I would love to keep a detailed update as possible because then, I can forget about it. After the 3 weeks spent in Skills Hot where we picked up fundamental stuff, we were broken up and piled neatly into different departments, namely Skills Hot, Skills Cold aka Garde Manger which pretty much meant 'Protect to Eat' in French, Western, Asian and Baking and Pastry departments. Each kitchen is ran by different chefs or instructors. Chef Joyce, Chef Phua and Chef Hinnerk, Chef Desmond, Chef Derrick and Chef Ken for both kitchens and lastly, Chef Fum & Chef Lillian for Pastry and Chef Marc for Barkery as respectively. As for me, I started out in Pastry, Bakery, Asian, Garde Manger, Western and lastly, Skills Hot. Spent 2 weeks in every kitchen except Asian, Pastry and Bakery, I think. But anyway, I might just come back to this entry if I could remember anything else....

170807

It's nearing the end of the tunnel, the sort of flying and dodging the radars days are somewhat coming to a conclusion, good or bad, I'm not sure yet. Will I see the light? Or is it just a glimpse of what darkness is? The chefs are heading home. I can't believe that. It certainly felt as if I was just writing about them in my old blog a second before this. I was still trying to make out their middle names, the way their eyes would shine and the way they would talk and the distinctive working styles each possessed. I think I will miss them. And quite a bit actually.

It is still extremely hard to work with Marc Haymon but god, the man possessed the most beautiful eyes and charming face. It was as if they would talk, without being sarcastic...ok, so maybe no. But really, I would love to just look at that face. He too is going away and perhaps more enthusiatic about the prospect of leaving Singapore and us than any of the chefs. We kinda came to a conclusion that as quick witted, resourceful and incredibly enlightened in the ways of baking and stuff and as full of Common Sense as he is, he's really not a teacher-material. But nevertheless, thank you Chef M.

The other guy I had to mention is Chef Kenneth James Woyt.... (Ok, so I still can't spell his last name but I promise, I'll get it). A man probably in his early 50s who lived in California before he came here, he's an intriguing dude. I can't actually put him under any category. He's slightly more versatile in the ways of Asian and Western cuisines, having travelled and stayed in parts of the world. He has a big family but nothing to call his own, (we think) and just recently, he's grand-uncle to his niece's baby boy and the 4th time!! And by the way, it's just so ridiculously cool and outrageously awesome that that niece of his is actually gay and they probably got a close and trusted guy friend to make the whole baby thing work...hmm...but anyway, that's beside the point. I will always remember him...

The last guy's Chef Hinnerk Wilhem Von Bargen. The 2m tall German guy who married a native chinese and had a gorgeous little bit named Marlina. I had a chance to really work with him during my time in Garde Manger and I knew the depth of his knowledge and his love for food, just by looking into his eyes. There are beliefs he holds dear, there are times he needed to sort of really ask why and rebute. He's 40...happily married. "I love my wife to pieces," if i may quote him. I've seen the lady. Elegant, and very much into swimming :P! He's leaving for Beijing where his family will be this 18th. And so are the other 2 chefs, wherever it is they are heading to. My money's on either California or New York.

Most of all, I miss the time me and my classmates have spent in the different kitchens. It was hard work and full of grumbling at times but it's time that were spent and it therefore meant something. We are probably separating real soon, different SERVICE days, tutorials and lectures at different hours of the day...I don't like that. I'm just beginning to know people...

Plus also, obviously the fact that we will not see those 3 chefs ever again. I could never ever in this short lifetime of mine work around the mechanism of bidding goodbye, let alone appreciate it.

The first picture where you see an old dude with a pretty thing, that's Chef Kenneth and Chef Hinnerk's 9 years old, Marlina. It's taken in the chef's office. The second one's taken last day at Garde Manger and so that's Chef H, among hordes of insane people and the last picture's taken in the Pastry and Bakery Department. I really don't think you need me to point out Marc...