But all of this means nothing

"I found that record you'd been looking for yesterday

The one I'd been searching for forever

I played that record all night, you were right

The last song said it all

Even though it skipped a bit, it sounded better

I never, I never, I never knew

The only way to listen to a record like that

Is to play it through

But all of this means nothing

Yeah, all of this means nothing

All of this means nothing

Without you

I packed up the car and started to drive

Without a plan, with no direction

You said it'd be good for me

To break out of my daily routine

You were always trying to teach some lesson

You wanted, you wanted, you wanted me

To feel the open road with the wind on my face

Well, I'm here and I'm finally free

But all of this means nothing

Yeah, all of this means nothing

All of this means nothing

Without you

You and I were partners in crime

Petty thieves in a line up

But somehow we wound up here

I'm looking at a letter that I wrote to you long ago

I wouldn't even know now where to send it

It's funny how it all poured out on paper

If only I had found a way to tell you

If only, if only, if only you

Had found a way to love me for who I am

The way that I loved you

But all of this means nothing

Yeah, all of this means nothing

All of this means nothing

Without

Without

Without

Without

Without you

*Dealbreaker, Track 10, Rachael Yamagata, Chesapeake

It's Christmas tonight and I've been out alone all day. I was in 1912 for 2 whole hours. I was part of an imminent tragedy but I didn't die. I was a 2-week old infant named Elizabeth and I survived.

I'm so tired. I'm kinda in a daze right now. I'm on a sugar+caffeine rush and I feel like blacking out. It's worse than being drunk. I can't breathe. I'm shutting down. And the crowd is fucking crazy, IS fucking driving me crazy. I hear laughter everywhere. I think I'll head home straight, before I go insane. Jump into a shower, rest my head until I have to wake again. Until the sun comes up again. Or until it starts to rain like a symphony in my head. The only trouble is, I can't stay in bed, for I'm currently living a lie I am forced to spun. But I'll get out of it soon, I promise you.

But I love you.

And I love you so much.

And I'll love you forever. Until the end of time.

I'll plead with you in my sleep for you to make me pancakes in the morning

Funny shapes

I'll close my eyes and hold you tight

I wouldn't wanna let you go now, would I?

I don't wanna let you go.

So please don't leave.

Don't leave me

Don't walk away

Don't cross that light

Stay where you are.

I'm coming for you.

I'm coming to save you.

坦然选择放弃 不是我提早违背对你许下的诺言
更不是种胆小懦弱的表现
只因不想在睡梦中再次被已失去你的事实痛醒

真心诚意地将旧回忆暂搁一旁
偶尔才拿出来回忆不是我忘了你相反的 是因为害怕失去仅有的你才会把心房均匀切开 隔出足够空位来方便随时想念你

爱你是不变的事实
在星期五的早上失去了你也是不变的事实
而改变却是宇宙万物唯一不变的事实
我想停止一切折磨
我想重新开始
我想你也会赞成我的想法 支持我吧？

Dear Liesl

I know I haven't call you that for a long time. In fact, I haven't called you at all.

The birthday celebrations went well. Had a cake-sandwich at the Botanic Gardens. My first visit. Sat on a mat on a grass patch on a beautiful Monday morning. Fed the turtles and cat fishes by the pond. Saw a pair of swans and actually witnessed a pair of cat fishes making out in the water. Their bodies were literally out of the water. I know, fishes bonding. I sure as hell have never seen that before until that Monday. And how come we never thought about having a picnic? You would have liked that. The weather was good and the scenary beautiful. We could sit under the shade and laze and talk all day. And it was not expensive at all. Oh well, I'll just add that to the list.

And then, there were dinners with people who knew about you and people who will never. I have enjoyed them. And beer. Paulaner. You would agree. And ice cream. Andersen. Definitely Danish. And I had flavor of the week; Danish Nougat. Yeah, that's about it. I thanked my friends for showing up. They didn't have to. And then shortly after that, I received news of a funeral. I know, right?

And last night, a baby shower. We welcome Baby Ashley Cheah into the world, born 18th November 2011 at Singapore General Hospital at approximately 2008 hours. She's beyond lovely. I will show you pictures.

Work has been toiling, more emotionally than physically. I feel like I belong in an entirely different league altogether. I feel like persecuted like a victim. I am leaving. I am leaving to go away. I am leaving to beg at someone else's door and pray they don't tear me apart. And I am leaving for Nepal. In March. A break. A test. Another confirmation. Something to jolt me out of my dream. Hopefully.

I cried last night. Twice. I cried because I remembered deleting your phone number. It was the last time I laid in our bed, in Alexander's flat. I stared at you for the longest time as I thought about what we have been through. And then it happened. I waved goodbye to you and I pressed the 'delete' button and you were gone.

How I wish you were here.

To save me, from me. To stop all this crying.

Now, tell me about you. How are you doing? Do you miss me? Do you still wear your heart on your sleeve? Are you still as kind as ever? Do you still smile when you think about pancakes, the sun, the blush on Alexander's face, me? Do you wish I haven't taken you back that night?

Do you wish you could take back your words about a wedding under the stars, just the two of us? Taking back the vows you made to me. Do you wish we were never happy?

Do you wish you never knew me? Never loved me?

You could have gone back to Damien that night but you didn't. You, sweetheart of a lover, showed up at my doorstep with a burning candle! The flame said the words you never could. Love, was what the flame was. Always burning, always passionate and comforting. Now that flame's extinguished. No oxygen. No light. Nothing.
I am left with nothing.
I am nothing.
I want to be something.
I want to be with someone new, someone who would love you like I do. Someone I could love till I die.
Someone I can cry to. Someone who would let me cry and then hold me tight with no questions asked.
Someone who just knows what's going on inside of me.
Someone who knows all that I needed was a hug and a kiss.
Someone who encourages me to take leaps of faith because even if I do fall, I wouldn't be alone.
Someone who reads my thoughts
Hear the unspoken words I can't find the right words for
Someone who loves the written word because that is where all my secrets are.
Someone who is you, is like you.

"Don't be silly, dear." I heard you say.
Indeed, I have been silly but life hasn't been easy. Not at all. Not like you've promised. But I am trying. I am trying to breathe. Someday, I'll get there. I'll get to where you are.

Someday.

For Steph, a warrior and a believer

If you love me, love me

If you don't have a heart, here, take mine

But if you're gonna hurt it, then break it thoroughly, make it worth every ounce of agony, every drop of stray tear

We will eventually work alongside this distance, work it to our advantage somehow, you said, when you were still craving for me, when you know next to nothing about me but you knew how I wanted you back the way you wanted me

Back then, it was all we needed.

And I nodded, thinking you must be right, for it's high time I rest my feet and quell my fears, set my chaotic world at ease

I wish to be at peace

Was it because we were too happy?

Were we disaster's perfect recipe?

Were we wrong from the beginning?

No, it can't be

I won't take this

Not when I still remember every vivid scene and kiss, right down to every minute detail, every word you filled my ears with in the morning

I swear it wasn't just make-believe that I weave inside my head

You're not a casual pastime, not a fling or hobby that I can erase and put aside

It was all real, at least to me you were

No, I didn't wreck this

In fact, on the bloody contrary, you did.

Life did.

No, this is not my fault for I remain true till the end

I overcame my demons and I naively thought I was at the top of my game but it was all but a hollow victory, I'm a winner who had lost everything

But hey, at least I could answer to my conscience

I could breathe easy

I hardly think I could say the same for you

As you laid in bed, wide-eyed, in the dead of night, thinking about how it could have all been

No, this mistake is not the manifestation of my flaws combined

It must be life's filtering system at its most untimely fault

So how can I still feel injustice, or say that love and fate and the pursuit of happiness are fleeting states of mind?

When I knew I had, for a brief eternity, lived my life?

And lived it wise.

I have seen the world, walked it

I have been on a helicopter, enjoyed it

I have seen my fill of breathtaking coastlines

It's the 'seen-it-done-it' deal for me

The world is still up for grabs,

For those who wants it

And I know I want it

I hear it screaming out my name

And nothing's coming in between

From now on, we'll both move on

We will assign a corner in our hearts for when one of us comes back again

We'll be ready to entertain

By then, we'll be immuned of each other's pain

We'll be on our way and emerge as our own survivors

Surviving separately together

Yeah, it's gonna be OK.

Yeah, I'm gonna be OK.

Yeah, I still wish the best for you and your other/better half

We met, we love, and now we part

We are just going through the rhyhmns of life, of our hearts

It's no big

I am built to overcome this

So yeah, if you don't mind me repeating

I'm gonna be OK :)

Hope.

Not too long ago, I wanted to die, to hurt myself. I wanted a distraction. I wanted to feel like I was still relevant. Tonight, I pray for faith and courage. I wish I have hope. I wish that my heart no longer breaks whenever I cross the road. I wish I never break another knuckle. I wish for the nightmares to stop, for the voices to cease in my head.

I wish for a crane. It was a doodle in one of the letters. A corner, dog-eared like a surprise. It had simply called out to me, the incessant begging.

"Please, take me with you. I will save your heart."

The voices, they speak to me, like poetry. Am I hearing things? Am I obsessive? Have I made the wrong move? I hope not.

I hope.

Happy 27th Birthday, Liesl

It's supposed to be your birthday today so I thought I write something about it.

Well, first of all, happy 27th birthday. I know it's crazy! Us, in our mid-twenties. What do we know about being adults? I sure as hell don't.

It was a horrible day today. I barely slept the night before. I had to be at work at 7am. I had to make scrambled eggs and pancakes for strangers with happy families and lots of money. I wanted to hide my face, disappear. You would be displeased. I scraped my knuckles from hitting them against the wall today. I wanted to cry so I fought. I wanted to scream out your name so I fought. I wanted to beat the crap out of somebody, anybody so I fought. I fought to remind myself to breathe.

I probably haven't told you this but I got your letters. I'm at Letter 17. I know I weren't supposed to get them. God only knows the effort you have spent concealing them. But they were gifts. They were the stuff I wish I knew before I lost you. They told me things I would have fought for to keep till my last breath. If I had knew what I meant to you, I would have never let you go.

I should have just skipped school that morning. I should have never let you cross that road. I always knew how dangerous it was.

This year, we are celebrating a new tradition. It's called 'finally getting over Liesl.' It does sounds grim but please don't take it personally. We both know how much I crave for you, like a vampire who needs her blood. In the last years, I have decided I have gone through enough. It is silly to continue torturing myself over something we can't change. You are dead and that's that. The universe left me here for a reason. It left me so I could live the dreams we once dreamt of and do the things you always wanted to do. It left me here so I could learn to be brave and strong like you. It left me here so I could learn how to fight the voices in my head that want me to hurt me. Frankly, it wasn't easy at all. After all, I am not you. I am not half as brave and wise as you were.

I recently met somebody. She is every inch, you and it frightens me sometimes how much of you I see in her, the words she used. I would never tell her this because it would then seem as if my concern for her wasn't for her at all but for you instead. That is not true. I genuinely care for her and I sincerely love her. Now I sit around and wait to listen to her. She is saving me with who she is and I thank her for that. She told me she wants to meet you. Maybe she will.

I love you, Liesl. Now, always, forever.

无事生非

客厅里那相片 何时挂回了左边
你没带走的衬衫 被烫过几遍
你一定回来过 潜进这公寓里面
要不然你的指纹 怎会布满杯沿

谁为那鱼缸 换了水
为那盏灯察了灰
到底谁这样鬼祟 照料这一切

你明明就坐在对面
你近得像迫在眉睫
原来是我在无生事非
分不清真实的时间
拆不掉那些画面
你一走 我出现幻觉

我戴上钢盔 在防备 感情留下的炮灰
无孔不入的回忆 却四处繁衍
你明明说下次再会
我明明听见你汗水
谁说是我在捏造是非
只记得幸福曾拜会
忘了忘记那滋味
那是我仅有的抚慰

墙壁上那钟摆 依然滞留在那天
旧回忆一刀未剪 轮回着上演

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Letters, strings and all 17: breathe, tara, breathe

被思念划过的痕迹像藤蔓般缠绕着我的皮肤住了下来
你说偶尔应该把脑袋里堆积已久的回忆拿出来整理一番
把不要的 用不着的通通扔掉
但你早已彻底性地霸占了我身体的每一寸角落
对于想说却还没说出的话题
该做却还没做的事
我没法腾出空位来
不管我如何洗刷都没能完整地将被污染的记忆清洗干净
只见血流不止的双手不停颤抖着
我不晓得对自己做了些什么
耳边忽然传来了命运讽刺的讥笑声而我在眼角捕捉的是死神毫无怜悯却又带着一丝无奈的表情
他用他那深邃神秘的眼神只是静静地望着我
似乎是在等着我如何继续挥霍所剩无几的生命
把我也领走了才算真正完成任务
他俩就这样默默地陪着我在你离开后开心 沮丧 失望 难过 生气 疯狂 妒忌 羡慕和偶尔的醉酒等等等
说起来他们俩还真的是比寂寞更不离不弃的忠实伴侣

现在的你过的是全新的生活
忘了我是理所当然的事
对于我的垂死挣扎当然也毫不理会
我不怪你
我凭什么怪你
我只能怪自己怎么如此不争气 这么我那么窝囊
搞得大家那么不开心
不仅害了你 也弄伤了自己
自以为能感受到的痛楚才是活着的证据
自以为辜负了你对我的期望就等于是爱你的表现
现在你走了还能证明些什么
我不过是个笨蛋

我痛却找不到语言
只好将对你的想念血淋淋一划不漏地刻在纸上身上
想你的时候
在心脏不法负荷的时候
能看到你傻笑 假装生气的样子
多少能让激动的心情平静下来
说我是傻子疯子也好 说我会后悔也罢

十年了
想起的不再是你的离开 怨恨的不是上天的安排
想到的是你带着幸福曾经拜会过我
想到的是你曾经只要轻轻地呼吸 微笑就能点亮我心中每一个火焰
想着你的好 想着你对我对世界的好
偶尔梦到我们那未完成的婚礼还有Alexander脸上的失望误解
被我们再也无法实现的幸福吓醒吓哭

但我想这一切终究会被时间治愈冲淡
对于我们这场未完待续的爱情
我们只能说它完美的像一种遗憾
垂手可得地像天上的星星般
凄美地让原本是陌生人的我们明白什么叫彻底地心碎
我终于了解了什么是幸福
什么是失去
也学会什么叫原谅 什么叫对生命的一切无奈与不幸释怀
或许我们会再次相见吧
再次教会彼此什么才是爱。

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<<是时候>>

害怕看见 你骤变的脸
也不想理解 失温的语言
是时侯 该转身就走
从此放弃我们渴望的永久

不想承认 你还出现梦中
温暖安慰我
即使一秒钟 也难承受

我多恨自己轻易地放开手
以为能承受 还能从容不迫
坚强不是我 想要的解脱
假装能好好过

害怕察觉 你分心的眼
不想再争辩 你说的谎言
是时候 就放手
谁能够

我多恨自己就这样让你走
以为很潇脱 以为这是温柔
却忘了你和我 一样脆弱
一样的难过

多希望自己就这样松开手
一切很潇脱 好好看你走
坚强该是我 给你的自由
还能做什么

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161084 - 070502

As above.
As loved.

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he, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee

hey guys

This one's been a long time coming and I do, on some level, feel guilt for not having done this until now. It has been eight years and I think I've waited long enough. I don't know if you guys know what the blog title 'he, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee' means but if you guys could just hop online to some translation websites, it should more or less tell you that it meant 'hey, i owe you coffee' very loosely in German.

As you know, my ex-better half was German and the words literally begun what I still believe to be an utterly surreal and ridiculously blessed life. I still feel like a stranger looking in from the fringe of life yearning when I know I had everything anyone could have ever asked for in my hand. 'He, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee" had been my lucky charm for two, almost three years and after all that we and I have been through, I sincerely wish that this lucky charm continues to shine its light on me.

For a long time, I was happy. I have felt, heard and seen and experienced life and love and I knew what contentment is. Heck, I have even almost gotten married. I was so deliriously happy that every cell and molecule in my body got used to it that when I lost it all, I could no longer function. I've stopped living, stopped breathing and stopped everything. I didn't know who I was, I still don't. I just wanted to get on with life so I could die. As I would so much quote a friend's words, "I am merely a machine who has no place on this Earth if I don't start living again. I have no rights to be taking up oxygen and space from someone who is actually passionate about life and love,". Well, the good news is, I don't wanna be a machine anymore. I don't wanna miss out on on all the new perspectives/opportunities life may throw me just because I am a 16-year-old loser. I'm done hurting. I'm done tearing. I'm done being pathetic. I wanna start living again and for the right reasons. And I want that for the people I love. I want them to be happy, to feel loved and learn how to love. I hope this is one entry you read, Cart because this is for you.

Perhaps I would bump into someone new on the way to the coffee shop or even the tattoo parlor. I could meet someone new over dinner or at work. I could accidentally stepped on someone's toe, etc. The list goes on. The bottom line is, I don't have to be unhappy. Life offers one choices. At the same time, it offers one many perspectives/angles to the same thing. While 'He, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee' had once meant my life and love for Tara, it could also mean starting life on a fresh start. Don't get me wrong. I still love Tara and I know a part of me will ALWAYS love her but it's time I put her aside and share what she has taught me with someone else. Someone special. Someone who's gonna teach me new things about life and love, just like Tara had once mentored me. Now, why would anyone wanna shut their hearts to that?

Smile and wish me luck!

I'm sorry I used tattoos as an excuse.

Hey guys,

I'm sorry I haven't been writing. I am sorry that I used tattoos as a drug to inflict seemingly harmless pain on myself. It reminds and helps me to breathe. I've been on an emotional roller-coaster since I got back. Sometimes, I wish I could remember how to cry but my tear ducts have long run dry. I can't verbalize how I feel. Words and their meanings are lost on me and as far as I am concerned, that is a very sad thing.

It just looks to me that I am living each day and night by dying a little and I think that applies to every living thing on the planet which would then justify me but who am I kidding? There is no fire. I am just Ash.

I am supposed to be reborn and embrace life for what it could be. I could loosen up a little, drink a little slower, smile a little bit more, talk a little bit more and open myself up but I don't. I don't want to. I can't. I am incapable but I continue to put on my game face when I wake up each day and I pretend to be OK. Hell, I think I may have found my niche. I am a fucking liar and a complete asshole to the ones I love and I don't think I'll ever make up for it. People think that I've gotten too comfortable with living with pain and passionless but I struggle everyday. I've come to the point where I hate myself for being a coward and weak.

I am sitting beside a hole where the rest of me used to be and still is. I look up and away from the past occasionally but nothing beckons me on the other side. I am the one left behind because subconsciously I made that choice but anyway.

I'm segueing into something different now. I am enrolling myself for the Class 2 motorcyclist license once I'm done with this entry. I know you guys mean well, for those whom I have talked to. I love you guys and I know the last thing you wanna hear about me is that I got involved in some fatal accident and all that but I think I can handle it. If you guys know me, you would know me for being unconventional, unrealistic, stupid and warped and I guess that's true and would pretty much sum me up so don't bother talking me out of it. Again, choice made. Consciously this time.

Recently, I have met several interesting characters and of course, the jerk in me gravitated towards depending on them to take me out of me, even just for a second. I'm like a leech like that. I enjoyed their company immensely. It's another thing I wish I could tell them and that they would believe me. Although sometimes, they leave me with a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. One of them, V, has recently gotten hooked up and I hope she doesn't read this particular post. In fact, I don't think she does which mean I can be honest here.

I am attracted to her but then again when am I not attracted to something? I remembered I was really depressed when I knew she was attached but I am really happy for her too. I wouldn't have otherwise forgone sleep just to listen to her talk about her girlfriend. She has gotten with someone who makes her really happy and makes her do things she wouldn't normally do and makes her tolerate things/behaviors she wouldn't otherwise tolerate. She has even stopped smoking for her. The girlfriend's quite the character, I must say and I wish her, them, the very best. Now I just have to nail that Shepherd pie recipe for them. I'll keep you guys posted on that. Maybe even a picture or two.

The other one, let's call her S, is another character who does a fabulous job at confusing me and (sometimes) keeping me in the dark. Maybe it's because I really suck at reading moods and signs. Or maybe she just doesn't trust me yet. That's fine. I respect that. Trust has to be earned and built over time. I just wish in time, I'll have that opportunity to get under her skin and could truly tear down her facade.

All right, I don't know what else to talk about. Oh, I am working at E Food and Wine on Dempsey Hill. Swing by if you wanna.

Hey, perhaps at the end of the day, I just wanna crawl into bed with you.

Letters, Strings and All 16

I am tracing every molecule that is you. My fingers tremble at the near touch. You have just fallen asleep next to me and already I miss your brown eyes. I want to see them sparkle. They tell me stories and read me love and contentment. They tell me everything my body needs to take each breath and my heart to pump every ounce of blood.

I adore how you would wriggle under the blanket to lie on your side so you could look into my eyes. I love how you fold your knees towards your chest as if hugging yourself and how your legs would eventually find and intertwine with mine. As the candles grew shorter and the day dimmer, you let out a quiet sigh. Warm air brushes the tiny hairs of my ears. You cuddle me like you would a teddy bear, like you're afraid you may wake up in an empty bed. Rest your fears, my love because I could not care to fall asleep and wake up any other way but to be living on the first and last breath of air you inhale in and out.

I think I am crazy but I ain't more so than the rest of us. I think you are unreal. I think you would simply vanish into thin air and cease to exist if I let you walk away. As each day passes, I grow less and less together. When you are not here with me, I am in pieces. Literally. Shattered chunks, bloody ribbons of an existence so cold and sharp it cuts anyone who dare comes close. I am no longer kind and patient. I am no longer in love, my passion extinguished. I am not Liesl whom my grandfather named nor the Tara you so fondly knew.

I am afraid I would grow accustomed to the dull aching in my heart because that's just the way it's gonna be from now onwards.

Good night, sunshine.

Happy Valentine's Day!

When we first met, I wanted to know your name and my heart soared and did a little happy dance as I watched you reach for a piece of paper and pen.

I remembered the date. It was October 16, 2000, just after 8. I often joke that when we first locked eyes, you have taken my breath away and after that you give it back. And it was when I've truly taken my first breath. I remembered that vividly because I could barely stand. The world had slipped from under my feet and I felt faint.

The next time we met, I was so head over heels in love with you I suddenly remember what it meant to be brave. I forgot what pain is. You've opened my eyes to possibilities I never knew existed. You called it 'magic.'

We met again, this time I had a book in hand and my face dropped to an unnatural angle by the couch in the cafe. You caught me after a late night and boy, was I glad I stayed.

You talked about wanting a place of your own and I thought why not. I've got just the perfect place for you - my heart. Feel free to stay as long as you want. It's rent-free, just as long as you never leave and true enough, you held on to your end of the bargain and you never did and I don't want you to ever.

A string of 'firsts' shortly unfolded, the first page of our history made. Our first kiss in the subway, much to the disgust and annoyance of the people who stared. Our first Valentine's Day when we did nothing but spent the entire day in bed, giggling like absolute retards and staring into each other's eyes. I memorized every freckle on your perfect face that day and pointed out every shade of blue I can.

The first time you fell ill from being drenched in the rain and the first time you told me about your brother and dad, you asked if I could stay the night 'cause you could not bear to be alone. You were trying so hard to remain strong and I knew from that moment on, I wanted to be the one who keeps you warm for the rest of your nights.

The first time I heard you call my name, it was so bizarre and strange but I knew I wanted to hear nothing else. I have become deaf because of you and I probably still am.

The first time we argued and I made you cry, I didn't think I could do that. I thought I could die and it wasn't exaggerated. How could I be the same person who loved you so damn much and be the one to inflict so much pain? We broke up that day.

For the rest of the month, I had my game face on and pretended I didn't care. I pretended I could still function even though every cell in my body protested and showed me otherwise. I hear your name being whispered into my ears every waking second. I was an idiot then. I should have known that no one can and will ever fill the craters you have left.

You begun to systematically carve my face into pages, which you left in a metal case behind some old cassettes. You thought they could remain hidden. You had been naive. Alexander found them and gave them to me. It was mine to keep, it seems and later, the perfect gift to keep me walking on my feet.

I had no intentions of letting you go. I wanted you back. It was simple but so hard to accomplish. You were faraway and I had been a liar. I had been a jerk and in many ways, undeserving of your love. But I still want you.

and I want you more than I should. I want it bad. I was suffering from withdrawals and it was as bad as denying a junkie her poisonous jabs.

I came to you late one night with my heart in my hands. I might as well have gotten down on my knees and begged and I would have. I would do just about anything for you. Just ask.

I told you I've changed. For the best. I told you I love you and I'll forever do. I want you to believe my words. I have proven over the past month with concrete actions. And I saw tears formed in the blue of your eyes. It was happy tears this time and I was beyond elated.

Having you back in my arms in a bed we once shared, I thought I was dreaming or thrust into a different reality. I remembered saying just before I fell asleep:

"DON'T YOU DARE FUCK ME LIKE THIS IF YOU AIN'T STAYING."

And your response?

"'LEIGH, WILL YOU MARRY ME? THAT WAY, I NEVER HAD TO LEAVE."

"I would have married you a thousand times, a million if not enough."

But the next morning, you left anyway.

You had to die and that couldn't wait.

Till this day, I wondered and remained haunted by the same string of questions I know I'd never get answers for:

"Would you still have died if you didn't come back to me?"

"Could I have done something else? Could I have been faster or smarter?"

"What if that son-of-a-bitch, the waste of a human being hadn't drink and speed? And ran after hit?"

"Could I have taken your place instead?"

I don't know and I'll never know.

It's Valentine's Day today and I just wanted to seek solace. Just a temporary escape. It sure beats getting high on potent painkillers or getting drunk by the road side. I'm sure you would agree.

So here's to you, my past love,

Happy Valentine's Day.