Dear Liesl

I know I haven't call you that for a long time. In fact, I haven't called you at all.

The birthday celebrations went well. Had a cake-sandwich at the Botanic Gardens. My first visit. Sat on a mat on a grass patch on a beautiful Monday morning. Fed the turtles and cat fishes by the pond. Saw a pair of swans and actually witnessed a pair of cat fishes making out in the water. Their bodies were literally out of the water. I know, fishes bonding. I sure as hell have never seen that before until that Monday. And how come we never thought about having a picnic? You would have liked that. The weather was good and the scenary beautiful. We could sit under the shade and laze and talk all day. And it was not expensive at all. Oh well, I'll just add that to the list.

And then, there were dinners with people who knew about you and people who will never. I have enjoyed them. And beer. Paulaner. You would agree. And ice cream. Andersen. Definitely Danish. And I had flavor of the week; Danish Nougat. Yeah, that's about it. I thanked my friends for showing up. They didn't have to. And then shortly after that, I received news of a funeral. I know, right?

And last night, a baby shower. We welcome Baby Ashley Cheah into the world, born 18th November 2011 at Singapore General Hospital at approximately 2008 hours. She's beyond lovely. I will show you pictures.

Work has been toiling, more emotionally than physically. I feel like I belong in an entirely different league altogether. I feel like persecuted like a victim. I am leaving. I am leaving to go away. I am leaving to beg at someone else's door and pray they don't tear me apart. And I am leaving for Nepal. In March. A break. A test. Another confirmation. Something to jolt me out of my dream. Hopefully.

I cried last night. Twice. I cried because I remembered deleting your phone number. It was the last time I laid in our bed, in Alexander's flat. I stared at you for the longest time as I thought about what we have been through. And then it happened. I waved goodbye to you and I pressed the 'delete' button and you were gone.

How I wish you were here.

To save me, from me. To stop all this crying.

Now, tell me about you. How are you doing? Do you miss me? Do you still wear your heart on your sleeve? Are you still as kind as ever? Do you still smile when you think about pancakes, the sun, the blush on Alexander's face, me? Do you wish I haven't taken you back that night?

Do you wish you could take back your words about a wedding under the stars, just the two of us? Taking back the vows you made to me. Do you wish we were never happy?

Do you wish you never knew me? Never loved me?

You could have gone back to Damien that night but you didn't. You, sweetheart of a lover, showed up at my doorstep with a burning candle! The flame said the words you never could. Love, was what the flame was. Always burning, always passionate and comforting. Now that flame's extinguished. No oxygen. No light. Nothing.
I am left with nothing.
I am nothing.
I want to be something.
I want to be with someone new, someone who would love you like I do. Someone I could love till I die.
Someone I can cry to. Someone who would let me cry and then hold me tight with no questions asked.
Someone who just knows what's going on inside of me.
Someone who knows all that I needed was a hug and a kiss.
Someone who encourages me to take leaps of faith because even if I do fall, I wouldn't be alone.
Someone who reads my thoughts
Hear the unspoken words I can't find the right words for
Someone who loves the written word because that is where all my secrets are.
Someone who is you, is like you.

"Don't be silly, dear." I heard you say.
Indeed, I have been silly but life hasn't been easy. Not at all. Not like you've promised. But I am trying. I am trying to breathe. Someday, I'll get there. I'll get to where you are.

Someday.