i am living my life in snippets of fantasy and dreams
leave me be and
soon enough i'll crawl out from that hole
and learn a world i never knew
speak a language that is cold and distant
i have to stop using my heart now

Ok. I'm just gonna start off by saying that my brain is a jumbled mess and hopefully I can do this mess justice by reflecting it truthfully on here. Ok, here goes.

I'm so many things and disasters right now I can't even begin to sort it out. I want too many things too fast. And it's taking a toil on me.

I want a full leg tattoo.

I want to go to Greece for my upcoming birthday just so I can kiss my soulmate so hard she wouldn't remember her name.

I want to get a motorcyclist's license and not think about dying on the streets which for some reasons, I know I would.

I want a girlfriend, a partner or whatever you call it. Someone who sees me and saves me from who I am. Someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me. Someone to cuddle up to at night and early mornings. I don't care if I'm ready or not. I don't deserve to be alone and I'm done being alone. Speaking of which, kudos to Jared or otherwise better known as KT, a wonderful friend of mine, who came out to me last morning. I love you for being brave, I love you for being who you want to be because you know you can be and you can. You really made my day! (PS: I always knew you were gay.)

I wanna write a book and publish it. But first thing first, coming up with a damn title. It's vital for me that this first book is a heartbreaker because that's really what I felt for a long time and it's something I really connected to.

Lastly, I want you to shut the.fuck.up!

Oh right, before I forget, roller blades and new clothes.

I need something or someone to distract me. I don't know who I am or what I am doing here and that's what I believe to be a deadly flaw. It could literally kill me. Just couple days ago, I had wanted to hurt myself, like a car accident or something. The only glitch in that master plan was not knowing if I'll die so that plan is shelved. For now.

I never knew the answers and I never bothered to ask questions. I just wanted to be left alone in my space, doing what I want to do in that moment in time. Everything should come naturally as the next thought to create this flow that sustain me. But life is anything but. Aren't I supposed to have the last say? Apparently not.

There are many things in life that I feel I've been and still am missing out on. The virtue of living life to the fullest is completely lost on me. Tara's death was akin to having someone saw my chest open and basically shred or pour acid over it and then putting it back again. And repeating the same procedure 2 seconds later. That pain is so palpable it later just sort of became me. I swear to God that I can still feel that sickly, viscousy, wet texture on my skin. It's like fresh blood is still on me -- Tara's blood. The love of my life, my G force, my thoughts and every word spoken, the catalyst of my passion, the woman I knew I could spend the rest of my life with...her blood was just soaking into my shirt, my skin. Blood and whatever it was was forcing its way out of her, I watched helplessly as she fought for her last breath but life just wouldn't stop gushing out of her. And yet all of that has become nothing short of a weakness and a joke in everyone else's eyes. No one cares. None of it matters now and I am supposed to live with that.

I don't know how I am going to do that but I sort of feel like it's one of those I always knew the answers kinda situations. And that answer also lies in the next person that I'm gonna restart my life for or even fall in love with. I wish I knew who that person is. But whoever you are and whatever you are going to do to me, thanks.

I have no idea what writing about my feelings here can do to help but I' m obviously doing it. I don't care if anyone reads it. They say the writer is the only one who gets the most out of the actual writing while everyone else who reads it is just the work of a strange coincidence. Perhaps that is true. I don't even know what I'm getting out of this, let alone you but I needed to feel better so here it is.

She is Gone. David Harkins.

"You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:smile, open your eyes, love and go on."

Letters, Strings and All 14

Dear Love,

Letter 14 and I feel like I should be heading somewhere. I've been writing for almost half a month now but it feels like I haven't moved an inch. On most days, I imagine myself nearing towards a miracle or at least a destination where I can finally stop all this yearning to bask in the glory of our sweet love. Today, I just feel like a train wreck, minutes away from falling off the edge of a cliff, seconds away from a sort of searing pain, one I am not sure if I'll ever recover from. I don't think my heart can take any more of this.

I need you more than I want you. And I want you more than I know is possible. I am not sorry. I am not guilty, for this is what my heart sings to me and I know you feel the exact same way. You love me. I hear you whisper it to me every night before we go to bed. I felt the words carve tiny craters on the surface of my bones and make impressions on my flesh. I am yours and only yours and I'll give myself to you in a heartbeat if you would only ask.

At times, I thought I could cry myself to death. Those endless nights made me believe that I am far from being rational and all right. I know for sure I wouldn't survive this heartache. In the wee hours of the night, I wanted to rush for you. I wanted to tell your mother about us. I want to fuck you so hard you would not remember anything else. I want to hold you in my heart just so I could breathe again. But I can't. I just can't.

You told me over breakfast one time how a person's life is made up of the choices he/she makes. I now hold the tool to shaping the outcome of our lives. I need a guiding hand, a hug. I need you to tell me that what I am doing is right. I can't imagine keeping you away from me and breaking a future we could possibly have into pieces.

Tara

I no longer remember

At 24, I'm back at the crossroad I was at just two years ago. I am just as troubled, just as unhappy, if not more about life. It leaves me with a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. Deprived of any true inspiration, I realise I haven't eaten in almost a year.

I have been thinking or rather, not been thinking at all. I've either lost everything and who I am or I have not experienced and cultivated anything in the last years of my life. I am empty. Stubborn and empty.

I am still locked up, still drowning. And what kills me the most is the fact that I am the one responsible for putting myself in that place. I am keeping myself from all my potential. I don't know what I can do with that power but I wanna do something and I don't know how. I want things I know I can have. What I want is easy. What I want is achievable. But as of right now, I am helpless. Utterly, totally helpless. And there is nothing I hate more than being helpless.

Everyone wants answers. Do I like my job? What do I think about copywriting? No, I hate copywriting. I hate doing anything I have no interest for. Period. How do I feel about being put fourth or fifth or sixth or even the hundredth place on everyone else's plate? Do people really care about me and my so-called, yet to be explored potential? And why does people lose their tempers on me if they care? Is this how people care? If so, what do they want from me?

I am scared. I am lost. I am whatever the hell I am now. I like writing. I vaguely remember I do but you have taken away everything. Now even that I can't do.

I've recently met someone whom I may potentially develop feelings for. She asked if I were ready for love and all I wanted to say in that instant was that I like you. I can be ready for you. Just give me a chance. But of course I didn't. She is in love with someone else.

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