2013

I may have unwittingly invoked some feelings in a man I've met and worked with for the last month.

I don't know what I can do about it but shake my head repeatedly with a courteous enough smile plastered on my face and hoping to God this poor man doesn't fall for me. He's a great guy, one I would have contented myself with if I were a different person altogether. He's pretty old school and gentleman-y. He believes in treating a girl right and he's pretty easy going and reasonably generous. He doesn't remember what it's like to smile, what it meant to have a mom and dad and a family. On that note, my parents like him. He's lost. He doesn't know what he wanna do in life, what his purpose was and path which, hello, rings a bell. And he thinks I'm special and treats me like I was special. He wants to meet me like all seven days of the week. He listens to me talk. Oh all right, babble. He walks me home each time, and carries my bag and stuff and all that which frankly as refreshing as it was, it's freaking me out a little.

I do not like what he invokes in me. It's sort of a fear that adds up to the heavy load I'm already carrying. I do not want to have to say no and see a sense of reject and disappointment wash over a poor man.

I just want a nice, platonic friendship if he wants to continue to keep in contact. And if he can't stay within the line, it's better we don't see each other at all. I can't decide and have no control over how he must feel for me but I really, really hope that I was just letting my imagination run wild and that it's not true, I'm just making it up like a self-centered idiot. Its almost like he has wanted to confess his feelings for me or something tonight. It's suffocating and a little absurd cause hello, is he like blind or judgement-impaired. It made me wanna just take off and run away as fast as I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I can't reciprocate. I don't wanna hurt him. I seemed to do that a lot, to other people and if I did, I didn't mean to.

If it feels this wrong, it wouldn't be right.