The Only Exception

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And cursed at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day I promised
Id never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darlin,
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I was content
With loneliness

Cos none of it was ever worth the risk, but
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some proof it's not a dream
You, are, the only exception

©Paramore, Brand New Eyes ~ Track 6, The Only Exception ~
http://www.haoting.com/musiclist/ht_2a49b23736a7a87e.htm

I know you have to leave by morning
Words you have whispered to me in the dark
But please, leave me with a hint
Of reality, blurry proof that you were not a dream

And so I won't wake up

I grasp air in my hand
I listen in hard on muted conversations,
Things you would never tell me or repeat twice
Cause you won't hear of it
Cause you can't hear it

And so I won't let go and I'll keep pressing

Where do you go when you step out of my door?
Do you just walk in circles until it's time to come home?
I've always wanted to follow you, my little attempts, futile at best to kiss blade to wrists
I am due for a visit
I find myself walking in circles,

I am now lost

Was that laughter I hear, a soft dim amber glow I spot in a distance,
Travelling further away and away as if I deserve none of it
It's unfair, I hear myself say but it always is and will be
How do you think anyone walks again with a void where a brimming heart once resides

It has always been a burning question, just one of those I don't have an answer for

No matter how hard I try
I just keep doing, living like it's a remote possibility

I'm not yet the one in the ground
I'm not the one so decomposed I could be of no help
But sometimes I might as well be

And it hits me

I love you and I'll always do
Yet none of that love seems to matter much anymore
Because we aren't meant to be together and we will never be

Because

It really is a lonelier place without you
I have no business for anyone else and yet they continue knocking on my windows at the most inappropriate hours
I'd like to put across my intentions bluntly in his face
Please go away, and go away now
Please just let this be my imagination running wild
Please have no room for me, no compassion
We're mere strangers. I rather revel in my loneliness than be in your kind embrace.

So go, do as you are told

I am tired now. I do not feel like a word
I must leave my eyes shut so tears won't fall
I wanna shut off the world when I laid my body neatly on the hot asphalt

As I lay leisurely and patiently in familiar waters, I feel sick to my stomach
as dilemma engulfs me like fire
My heart is racing again like an inauspicious omen
Am I doing it right or am I just on the road to more wrongs, more time wasted?

But I just wanna rest

2013

I may have unwittingly invoked some feelings in a man I've met and worked with for the last month.

I don't know what I can do about it but shake my head repeatedly with a courteous enough smile plastered on my face and hoping to God this poor man doesn't fall for me. He's a great guy, one I would have contented myself with if I were a different person altogether. He's pretty old school and gentleman-y. He believes in treating a girl right and he's pretty easy going and reasonably generous. He doesn't remember what it's like to smile, what it meant to have a mom and dad and a family. On that note, my parents like him. He's lost. He doesn't know what he wanna do in life, what his purpose was and path which, hello, rings a bell. And he thinks I'm special and treats me like I was special. He wants to meet me like all seven days of the week. He listens to me talk. Oh all right, babble. He walks me home each time, and carries my bag and stuff and all that which frankly as refreshing as it was, it's freaking me out a little.

I do not like what he invokes in me. It's sort of a fear that adds up to the heavy load I'm already carrying. I do not want to have to say no and see a sense of reject and disappointment wash over a poor man.

I just want a nice, platonic friendship if he wants to continue to keep in contact. And if he can't stay within the line, it's better we don't see each other at all. I can't decide and have no control over how he must feel for me but I really, really hope that I was just letting my imagination run wild and that it's not true, I'm just making it up like a self-centered idiot. Its almost like he has wanted to confess his feelings for me or something tonight. It's suffocating and a little absurd cause hello, is he like blind or judgement-impaired. It made me wanna just take off and run away as fast as I possibly can.

I'm sorry if I can't reciprocate. I don't wanna hurt him. I seemed to do that a lot, to other people and if I did, I didn't mean to.

If it feels this wrong, it wouldn't be right.

I am just terminated from a fast-service cafe called Eighteen Chefs. I have never ever been terminated. I would be the one who goes when I say I go. I've always been proud of myself and my work attitude and etiquette. Never has anybody called me out and throw a letter in my face and send me packing, while they expressed their 'utmost disappointments' in me. And so I walked right out, head high, like nothing could defy me. But I don't think I feel the same now.

With unemployment, my plans are going wonky. My parents are trying to apply for a new flat with my pay slips and I'm not sure how it's possible now. Plus also I was trying to save up for a birthday gift I have put on hold for 6 months now. I would have to kill myself if that plan needs to be put on hold for another I don't know, 6 more months or longer. And I have also instructed the bank to open up another Savings Account so I could actually start saving. They are gonna withdraw from my account some money at the beginning of each month and deposit that into that new account. Its supposed to help me save up for whatever in the future and all that. Well, so much for saving up.

On the other side of the road, I am in desperate need for a breather anyway. I have been working so much it has significantly aggravate my stress-induced insomnia. And because of my suddenly hectic work schedule and responsibilities, I could not even begin, let alone finish my prescription from the psychiatrist to keep myself sane and I have to go back next week. The only silver lining's that I don't have to apply the day off which just makes things a lot easier. I don't have to report to no one or even get an MC.

All in all, it has been a pretty enriching experience. Nice enough colleagues and a guy with the puppy love syndrome who follows me around. I do not miss any part of it though it has sort of in some ways empowered me and make me a stronger person and a leader. I now understand how difficult it is to be in total control and gain respect and the right to lead. For the past month, I felt like I was caught up in a ridiculous whirlwind.

I have never felt like I was in charge of anybody, apart from my own person. I just have to make sure that I perform accurately and consistently. That I am doing what I was supposed to do and I do. At the Eighteen Chefs, I was, for the first time in my working life, put in charge of kitchen operations for an entire outlet. I was almost like the Executive Chef except I am not. I am responsible for the smooth running of my service operation, especially at peak hours, where the students and cubicle rats swarm in at alarmingly speed. The most important thing and really, the only thing I care about was the portioning and quality of my food. The staff under me doesn't seem to give much fuck about that though and I was constantly compelled to yell at them and tell them how to conduct themselves. I am honestly tired of it. Why in the hell am I poking my nose in telling someone else how to lead their life and I might not have the patience to repeat myself over and over again but somehow I believe in them and hopefully, they would learn to see what I saw in them, and why I didn't give up until the last minute. I remembered what they told me just last week, that they would quit if I do. It's really an honor and a great feeling just to hear that. I sure wish they don't actually hold up to the end of that bargain.

Time to hop on back to the job search wagon. Hopefully I'll come back with more pleasant news the next time I write.