God I didn't think I could crave drinking at Holland Village the way I had. It's insane. I was insane. It is a familiar feeling that brought me back to this span of moments where I have been before and left quite reluctantly for various reasons for a long time, a person I thought was my true self rather than a reflection. And I could still never be drunk, however I decided to drink.
The desire to return to that place was burning like wild fire in my heart. I work at Buona Vista now which makes walking to Holland Village a breeze and a very, very tempting thing to do. Everything has changed though. I am now alone, sitting among strangers and their partners, the waiters have changed faces and they have introduced a different house brand which was actually quite good. For a long time, I didn't feel pain. I feel home...despite the surge of memory it has triggered.
I don't know what I'll do in the coming days. I am all for succumbing easily and slipping back into my old habit of spending endless evenings just drinking my guts away yet a part of me knows I should muster courage from somewhere inside myself to fight the urge which I have done pretty well.
I wish for company. Someone who knows me, someone who wants to know me for who I am and not who they think I am. Someone I could love, and be honest with. Someone who makes my heart beat. Someone I could talk about anything and everything without having to spin a different story, a lie. Someone I know I'd be safe with, even if I do get drunk or begin to babble like an idiot, which by the way, has yet happened.
I am alone because I am more sober drunk than when I am not.
I am addicted to my past. Something I would never experience again. I am stupid but hey, at least I got to keep my honesty intact.
Why do I continue to write? Who am I writing this for? What do I wanna get out of it? Love, a greeting from someone who cares?
No one cares. I've learnt a long time ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment