I'll Always Find You

Everyone lies, and willingly everyone believes in those lies. How far would a lie take you? How much would a lie heal and/or hurt? And just how much would a lie cost you? You believe in fairy tales and faith in God and beautiful things, just so they could fade away. You believe because, you do and why not, right? These things get you by each day, remind you to breath and to sleep and smile and talk nicely. Even when it's dark and you're alone, you are no longer in fear. For she'll always find you.

Sometimes when I'm just walking on the streets and I stop to take a bearing, I watched these people and their life stories unfold. You know, like what's it like? To be them, to be doing what they are doing, going where they are heading, and losing what they had. And what is it like, to know them?

Oh Lover...

Oh lover,
Would you keep longin'?
For me to come home
'Cause this road I'm on...
For good, I'm lost.

Oh lover,
Would you say no?
Turn your head and walk on
Never to look me in the eye
Deepen the blow
'Cause I can't fight no more
Happiness' wages such a wicked war
Drive me home, why don't you?

Take me home
Hang me up against your wall, our headboard
Do you remember what we have done and talked about?
The dark streets, the filling of bloody holes
Have you always looked this peaceful?
Lying in our bed, in between these sheets...

I am looking in, from outside these windows
Looking in as I have once promised in my sleep
Are those tears flowing?
How dare they stain your pale cheeks!
Would you have blamed me?
If you know I left before sunlight creeps in,
Would you have made a sound?

Please don't tell me what I should otherwise think!
The day's not here to please
Oh God, I'm so sorry
Please just smile, my darling
I am not here to save you,
Someone else, someday will do
I am only here to love you

Trace my name softly on my grave, why don't you?
On that cool morning...

What Wishfulness...

I wish that first night with e n n a e J never ended..I wish I know where things went wrong and fix it right. It was something I said, I swear or something she misunderstood but kept it. Way to go with the fucking up, Ashleige Tara. You aren't even breaking a sweat now.

I'm drawing blood and cutting skin through a sharp mould to be who she wanted me to be. What she assumed she sees...I can't blame her, I'm sure for I wanted to be that same thing. In her eyes, she shall see light and only light. And it's high time I hide, to go back into the bloody darkness, where I revel. But there is nothing I could do to take me back to before, before I met her. Before I feel her. Before my desires and yearns...

I see her running away from me now, putting greater distance between us as she moves. Like in my dream, she's moving away, faster now, the blurry water color painting in my poor head is never taking shape. I would never break this cycle. I would never learn. I hope she hears this. Manifestations of my confusion, and my helplessness and my careful tip toeing around her. Careful now, don't break me. I am fragile from all the death and coming back and cold cruel honesty. Don't know if I can deal now.

A brush and a tiny stirring in my soul has resulted in all these words. Why am I still here?

Reasons, practicality and deliberate ignorance, these defences will soon cease effective protection. She will have nowhere to run but back to her 'contentment'. Disappointments...would leave a bloody trail, leading straight from my heart but that trail too, shall end in time. And all will be done. No pain, only silence.

Playground schoolbell rings, againRain clouds come to play, againHas no one told you she's not breathing? Hello, I'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to...Hello...If I smile and don't believeSoon I know I'll wake from this dreamDon't try to fix meI'm not brokenHello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide...*Don't cry...*Suddenly I know I'm not sleepingHello, I'm still here, all that's leftOf yesterday...

©Evanescence, Fallen ~ Track 9, Hello ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leEoglhCuOQ

The Waking Up Part What?

I drank today, Duvel and Westmalle Triple and I gotta realize that alcohol's no longer my pal no more for it has learn to agitate. I know, I know, doctor's orders. No caffeine, no alcohol and nothing too agitating like a dead girlfriend and a deader me. I get that. It's in my fucking head. Sometimes, for example, tonight, I just wanna sleep the life of me away and really just, forget about the whole waking up deal. I could dream, I could cry in my dream, not having to worry about holding it all up together like a normal human being. I could sing so loud I would never sing any other song. Trust me not, for I am not yet crazy.

I also make a comprehension that a pint of ice cream might just do the trick of waking me up, not completely but still. Oh yeah, Haagen Daz, baby. Could have been my first easy. It's such a fragile line, you see, to care for someone, anyone and I would hate to break that. I am supposed to see things in the light but it's so hard. I see darkness and I am comfortable with that. No questions asked, no answers ever needed. I just dwell and linger for the last decade. But I can't do that anymore. I can't keep myself in my head. I have to free fall into the fucking realm of changes and be ok with that. So I will. There is nothing I cannot do.

Come to me now And lay your hands over me Even if it's a lie Say it will be alright And I shall believe I'm broken in two And I know you're on to me That I only come home When I'm so all alone But I do believe That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say honestly you won't give up on me And I shall believe And I shall believe Open the door And show me your face tonight I know it's true No one heals me like you And you hold the key Never again would I turn away from you I'm so heavy tonight But your love is alright And I do believe That not everything is gonna be the way You think it ought to be It seems like every time I try to make it right It all comes down on me Please say honestly You won't give up on me And I shall believe I shall believe And I shall believe

©Sheryl Crow ~ I Shall Believe ~

'Til I Get Over You

Every time I feel alone
I can blame it on you
And I do
Oh you got me like a loaded gun, golden sun and sky's so blue
Oh We both know
That we want it
But we both know
You left me no choice
(Chaque fois que tu ton va)
You just bring me down
(Je pretend que tu fais bien)
So I'm counting my tears
'Til I get over you

Sometimes I watch the world go by
I wonder what it is like
Oh
To wake up every single day
Smile on your face
You never tried
We both know
We can't change it
But we both know
We'll just have to face it
(Chaque fois que tu ton va)
You just bring me down
(Je pretend que tu fais bien)
So I'm counting my tears
'Til I get over you

If only I could give you up
Would I want to let you off of this soapbox lately?
We both know that we want it
But we both know
You left me no choice
(Chaque fois que tu ton va)
You just bring me down
(Je pretend que tu fais bien)
Oh so I'm counting my tears
'Til I get over you....
(Chaque fois que tu ton va)
(Je pretend que to fais bien)
We both knowI am not over you

[Chaque fois que tu ton va - Everytime You Walk Away
Je pretend que tu fais bien - I Pretend That I'm Ok]

©Michelle Branch, Hotel Paper ~Track 12, 'Til I Get Over You ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-VcrpB5NTQ

I'm never a weapon person but I relate to guns and pistols and revolvers and the likes in my own way. When a gun's fully loaded and just ready for some blood, you feel so completed and invincible. The moment you let out a bullet and the deafening sound and the gunpower and repercussions and everything fall into nothingness in the background, you lose a hint of that completeness and it's quickly replaced by vulnerability and doubts. And it spelled a no turning back. You are left completely on your own to decide whether or not you fire the next one, or keep it. I used to have nightmares in my head about a fired pistol. The very sounds it made, its very destination it stopped, life all slipped out, blood all over, and then silence. I would have goosebumps lining the span of my body and in my heart, it's like something's torn and shredded apart. And I will close my eyes shut so tight I feel like screaming my head off. I don't know why I'm writing this but I think I have just compared the raptured relationships that made up a good part of my life to a fired pistol.

One tiny metal...the end of a world