In is good

Hey, do you guys think the constant rain is a sign, that the world is fucking ending? You know how the rain is keeping everyone indoor and most probably with their loved ones, and how everyone, includin' myself has came down with something and ill and stuck in bed with a hot honey drink and the tissue box? The cold water is an imminent sign that we should start loving our loved ones more because just how easily they will just slipped because it's just so well, slippery.

I like the rain. I'm totally domesticated and I wouldn't step up unless I have to and the rainy weather just validated that. I probably have caught a bad cold and a couple of days ago, I had a bad sore throat so I really haven't been sleeping for a long time. And I have this sucky voice right now. It's not sexy. And the attachment is up and coming and it scares me. My incompetence scared me. I don't know how to shed it, this real fucked up skin of mine. And mentality. There is nothing wrong with me the same time there is. I wanna be confident about stuff because there is no reason not to and I've yet to even discover me.

The water is so cold and it jerks you right back into reality, an even much colder place, unfortunately. I wanna remember things that would happen on such a persistent rainy weather when Tara was around but nothing specific came up. I would imagine just curling up to her in her bed, fighting for whatever warmth we'll get from each other's bodies and I see mugs on the table. We would most probably be drinking Milo and oh yeah, I've successfully corrupted the Germanic mind with our local chocolatey products. Now that I could cook, I would cook her something nice and warm and soft. Yes I would. There is this tiny nagging thing at the back of my mind. Why didn't I fucking kiss her? I mean, we're dating and we were totally into each other and all couple-y and we should kiss! Yes, for the Book of Love said so. We are totally allowed to make out if we are geniunely into each other and have dreamt of babies names. Ok, so I made up the book...but anyway, that was it. I should have kissed her. Even just once.

The weather is changing, and things are dying, writhing away in agony, physically or otherwise. I am writhing away in my chair right this moment as the first line of this new entry hit me. I'm happy to say that my computer's on and I have an internet connection running (i don't wanna jinx it by saying that my internet connection totally rocks!) so I could update this. Right now, I am waiting. Maybe E will come online and we can talk about the trip. Maybe S will reply me and maybe The L Word would load faster because I just watched both Bette and Tine cried their guts out because they lost their baby and amidst such pressures. I have also related on a very personal level the fear of Dana coming out to her parents. I'm not sure if she and Lara will get back together but I thought Lara's super hot. Yes guys, I'm only at my first season but I'll take my time with it.

I've not been able to write anything for the story lately so I'll apologize if anyone of you is remotely waiting for it. The intellectual, creative fluid was cut short, prematurely and I've run dry. Alexandria and Victoria are no longer talking to me in my head. I am not seeing the sun of Miami or hearing the waves crashed along the coast line at night. I don't see pretty young things on skates and in those hot beach wears...but I promise, if I do get them back, I will give you something that's worth the wait.

It's really hard taking the first step to doing anything. I have a supplementary paper to work on but everytime I retrieve my files, I wish my heart would stop. I wish the guilt and fear aren't carrying any extra weigh with them. "I don't like company, guys. I'm good." But I know I have to find a way to get started on it. This is one of those things that is not up for procrastination now...

Si Te Hace Feliz...

I just wanna say something right here, right now. I just want to me to be happy about stuff that nobody is. 6 fucking years ago, I fucking died and nobody in hell fucking cares and gives a shit and it fucking upsets me. Everyone is still fucking telling me that I have to be with a fucking man who fucks me and doesn't remotely and necessarily know the meaning of love and respect and sensitivity and what else that I fucking align myself with. All I am is me. I have got a name I'm still fucking trying to figure out. I am not sure if Ashley or Alexandria would cut it but you know, I already know what you guys fucking thinks. I can't tell my mother who I am. It is fucking eating me up and you know what guys, I don't fucking deserve this. I am only who you are, and perhaps better o....or lesser I don't care. I wanna fucking date and fucking fuck with that one person I love and spend my life with her. I don't need a marriage certificate. Hell, I might even pass on the whole ceremony and flowers and beaches and nice gowns.

I am just so fucking tired and I just wanna see how many I could use the word 'fuck' because it's apparently the only fucking entertainment I've got on my fucking hand and it's really fun. So sue me if you must but I think everyone should really fucking see things from my fucking perspective. Through my weary bloodshot eyes, you will see this life.

My dearest love,
I have wrote to you in my brain sitting in my father's car. It was beyond my capacity to think, so early in the morning and sitting with a man I don't quite know. I was looking across a huge body of water and staring at it, my emotions surged. I could see where my mother has spent her childhood, miserable and perhaps very happy too. It struck me as the most gorgeous place to be. We could really just be sitting down against the steel barricade things with one another and not speak. I could lose myself in your blue eyes and watched intently as stories unfold like water to quench a person's perpetual thirst. And I have not drunk since. To remember the colors and to have them etched into our memories when the sun rises and sets, how the rays matched the dark, almost black water somehow. It wouldn't quite make sense I'll grant you but it's beautiful and I think that counts for a lot.


Baby, you do understand that without you, even good ol' heaven pales in comparison and I will definitely burn in hell for wanting you so much I am not feeling anything for anything now. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible for me to be overly escstatic about something or be really upset about something because I am an asshole. And a selfish one at that so...please don't bring it down on me.


Everyday I would wake up and I will not see your face. I am no longer in your bed, the kinda squeaky one yes, and I don't have my hand in your pants, not that we actually had the chance...still. We so have to kiss, girl...


You know, maybe that's what it is; that I am denied of all things good because I 've done something so wrong and terrible. I am not motivated and I suck at pretty much everything you can think about. I am so god damn indecisive at times and sometimes I actually lie. Forgive me please, whoever you are, if you are out there. I didn't mean what I do and say. I just want things to be ok, and my way.

That spreading crimson is such a bad color on the vibrate blue and light.
Time stop, I stop.

Quiet

"Baby says I can't come with him
And I had read all of this in his eyes
Long before he even said so
Why go, I asked
You know and I know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
Take care
I've been hurt before
Too much time spent on closing doors
You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you
Goodbye
Don't cry
You know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal your best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history?
Would you feel the same
As I walk out the door
Never to see your face again
Never to see your face again
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
It'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything to change when I leave"

Apparently I love this song, shed a tear for it even and in a public place. I feel like it's kinda what Tara would have said anyway, to me, at the door, with a suitcase of her earthly possessions ready to be trashed. I might not know why she died, but I kinda knew that it was the only one thing she must do and as the person who swored her life for her, would therefore, theoritically support her and let her go. And like what the chorus said, it'd be as quiet as when she leaves, the way it was when she first came. And after she's gone, she would like nothing changed, and that includes me. I am supposed to still be that fucked up lousy grader who can't achieve no shit and could stand in front of no mirrors and be proud of what looked back. Guess nothing has changed after all...Go if you must, my love, for I shall stay and live this world for you. You would never have to be tainted again.

or so a different wishing star falls, with stunning acceleration bursting into flames
flames that were born out of passion and love
i was once a witness of that birth
i was once the person who didn't want it to happen
i thought, 'friends, a friendship would have been better for you have to know him better'
They went ahead anyway, and with my blessings.
They have been together for the last years, i can't remember for how long
And as time passes, everyone around them has figured out what's wrong
Everyone offered help, a listening ear and they rejected them so
And so everyone watched, hoping to see the light again, of their undying passion of one another
or so a different wishing star falls, into darkness
they will each find another again, i'm sure
i know
and it was nothing ugly, it was only time
it was something awaiting
something both of them and maybe us were almost waiting for
it'd be a good thing.