I shall never rush into the secret room

"I shall never rush into the secret room, not for her, and only because of her..."

It's a phrase taken from one of Shakespeare's works, I'm not quite sure which, was hardly the Literature person but I added a lil' more me in there. But anyway, the act of rushing into the secret room implied taking things in your own hands, committing suicide. And for a whole second some couple years ago, it felt like the only sensible thing to do. But I didn't. It was because of her that I quickly snapped out of it. I can't die, not because she did. I have to live, for the both of us, for what she believed in and wanted to do, for doing right for this cruel world.

I don't know how I got through or if I could continue. There were moments of good and not so good and really bad times. There were ways 've tried to express myself but only to futility. I would write long letters sending to an address long gone. I would imagine tracing the name of my dead lover with my finger on her tombstone and saying hi, sharing with her my day. I would smile, or cry and often say things no one gets. I could never stand another with the same name. And I would kill anyone who said I should just move on. I was stubborn and quite stupid I would say but no one's me. No one will ever go through what has happened in my shoes, as me. I know how tragedies struck everyone everyday, I know a mother who loses her kid to a drunk driver, I know shit. But no one has gotten to know her like I did and then feel her slowly slipping away in your arms. No one has to cry late at night, at a song, or while watching television, or be locking themselves in the darn toilet just so you could find a moment of peace and to vent. No one has to keep a secret and live life like nothing has happened.

Pain, it comes in huge doses and for free. For the swells of happiness I used to feel in my heart, I now trade for pain. It has become a part of me. And I think it's a good thing.

221186 - ??

Ok, so today's the day when I finally have to go out into the world and be like 'ok, I'm all grown, hit me, only not...'

I've always liked birthdays. Birth is a present thing, so it has to be a good thing. I used to have little parties when people I know and I didn't came and ate food and drank and laughed about something I'm quite certain isn't as amusing anymore. My mom would put me in dresses that I absolutely detested simply because the material was too annoying. But I smiled, I would, in most of the photos taken then. These days, I've stopped doing that and for whatever reasons.
As I got older, like 7 year old kinda older, people went away, my parents buried underneath work, obligations and insecurities and my own brother doing something entirely different on his own etc...birthday parties are the past.

I don't know if I like birthdays anymore. It gets so alone and it brings pain. It forces a reason or rather an obligation upon you to be happy and celebratory, even when you don't necessary feel like it. I'm not saying I wasn't happy that people remembered and that I actually received tangible gifts that I know I didn't deserve. I was elated, in ecstacy. Really. But something is terribly missing. And things will always be so, for as long as I live and she's not. I know, I know, people are going to be like 'oh come on, fucking shut up about her already, she's freaking dust but you're still here!"

For a long while, she wasn't the first and last thing on my mind, which I guess an indication of my still intact. sane and sound mind. At first, I felt guilt and then sort of a relief; that things could still be ok. Yeah, it was exactly how I felt, that I'm getting better, moving on to wherever. School was doing an excellent job at keeping my mind off things, it still is, with tests and projects and whatnots. As a matter of fact, I should be sleeping right about now for a test in the morning which I'm sure half the class might fail. And then when I had to write something about today (22 Nov, Thursday), I saw her face again. I didn't lose her, I'm glad. I didn't kill her.

It wasn't the most pleasant half a day. It was the first day of operation, 42 pax and as the captain, i've made an absolutely stupid mistake and it implicated the whole of the restaurant and I was terribly apologetic about it and if guilt were a tangible thing, I would have been crushed to death. But I did so much better on Friday albiet rooms for improvement so I think it's a good thing...I would continue to do better, I promise.


Happy 21st to me.

let's Eavesdrop to God's Plans

It was said, that languages and words are created just so human beings could shed the burden of having to tell what's really they are feeling and wanted to say but can't or don't want to. When a person stops talking, that's when a conversation really begins, that's when a picture or rather body language paints a thousand muted words.

Human beings lie, human beings distract, human beings create, break and then mend with words but sometimes, shutting up says so much more. And sometimes, one should not speak anymore but do.

It might just change the world.

I'm sitting right here and now and I don't know what to do. I wanna do something, before time runs out, before my bones turn all gray and no one remembers my name. I have a proficiency test up and coming, and I can't be sure if I were prepared. We never really had a chance to practice and we never really had to be in that situation. But we will pass, because we had to and we will. Service Bootcamp actually made me wanna be in the kitchen, for good, like a long-term occupation for life kinda for good. Maybe it's the way I'll go.

I'm reading about Japanese Etiquette & Ethics in Business (the book's exact name) now for a project and it dawned on me just how long I've stopped reading anything. It is extremely uplifting for me to pull out a book which previously I have zero juice for and started reading, even if it's for school. Right now, I'm understanding. It's a good thing, especially when the psychological and romanji elements came into play. I'm understanding a particular race of human I never did before.

If I wanna write, I have got to reflect and read and experience things. I'm not, don't think so. I lead a boring life, that of a student who's not involved in anything except being stuck in early and sometimes rainy mornings in buses, a post-teenager girl who's nowhere near the passing chart of 'hey, i think you're pretty and really interesting, wanna fuck?', and subconsciously, adopting a 2nd or even 3rd personae whenever I'm placed in a different and often tedious situation. The Service Bootcamp is one such apt example. I wanna learn so bad I'm not anymore. I'm just filled with contempt at times, for myself, for the way things have to be. Am I just this worthless? How could I have lost all my common sense, all the answers? I knew the answers. I knew I know. I'm not stupid, I've got a brain, I've got conscience and I've got both hands.

I blacked out all the time, in classes, in life. I lose my concentration to something unknown and I've wanted to change it with sleep and attitude. What something I could do become something I can't. And I hated that. I hated that me. Where is my comfort zone? I don't know. Where is me, the better part of me? It's nowhere to be seen, nowhere to be located and keep.

My 21st is coming and all I wish for is that I'd wake up from this life, to perk with excitment and anticipation. I'd not make mistakes again. I'd try to keep everyone happy with sincere love, with my jokes and sarcasm. And maybe I will find someone, among the stars, in the crowds, to love me before my time's up. And I'll die for her. I want a fresh start is all. Will anyone grant me that?

So far, I'm never quite prespicuous but I've worked with that. I'll repeat myself as many times as it'd take. And I think the people are secretly glad I'm bilingual. When I'm only talking to me, it was so easy. I might have a problem, otherwise. I love people, I've moved out of isolation but I'm not mingling with the right people enough. I'm not mingling period. See why I needed a birthday wish now?

Lost and Delirious. I enjoy the ring of it, somewhat of reality, somewhat contradicting and somewhat dangerously dark that can be so luring and engross-y.

LostandDelirious,thelatestfilmI'vewatchedtookmeacoupleofdays. Andmyverdictwasanextremelypositiveone. Icouldalmosttasteit. Thepainandwhy. Andofcourse,criedaboutandforit. I'llgotosleepwhenmidnightstrikeandbepissedaboutitbecauseIwannafinishwatchingthefilmandIcouldn'tforsimplereasons. Ireadabitaboutit,possiblywrittenbyafanwhoreallyreallyknewwhatshe'swritingaboutandsothankGodforthatbeforeIactuallycaughtit. IwasgladIunderstoodtheplotanddirectionandthenot-so-lovelybut strangelytheonlywaytogokindaendingofthefilm. IthinkI'vealwayswantedtowatchit. Ijustneverdid.

'Shall I abide in this DULL world which in THY absence is no better than a sty?
I'd fight for you with blood in my veins, my Queen, with air I breathe, and words I'd say, when eyes of blue meets green.
I’d call upon my soul within this crimson confine of glass; I’d call upon anything just so thy remains mine.
Your life is mine as mine is yours… So don’t leave.
Not this moment, not me.
Not out of my would-be-wrecked life if you leave, not for one second, I’d even lie.

I’ll keep thee, in safety, in light
I’ll keep thee brimming, with love for life
There are so little I could say and do to describe what I feel for you,
With so much wrong I’ll hate to undo, with roads and paths this arduous
With just your voice in my ear; your wish shall be my command
So shall thy death be my demise.'

I'vebeensober,ifIsaidsomyself. Notsomuchpainandyearning, notsomuchsleeplessnightsandcrying. I'mproudactually. Iunderstoodwhy. Whyithadtoend,whyithadtoendthewayitdid,wheresomeonehastosaynoandbreakheartsandkissforthatlasttime, wheresomeoneleapsoverabuildingafterdeclaringherloveandlookingatherex-loverforthelasttime. Itmadesense. Loveis. Itjustis.

"Paulie, listen to me ok? because I'm gonna say this once and never, ever again. I will never love anybody the way I love you. Never! You know that, and I know that, and I will die knowing that, ok? But it just can never, it just can never, ever, forever be. Do you understand? It just can never, ever, forever be..."