I'm sorry I, consumed by the demons in my head in the wee morning, ripped your chest open, and made you think that I have intentionally exhibited your fondest secrets, instances and moments, conversations and vivid pictures. This is hardly my goal. I had no idea at all but I am just as, if not, more apologetic.

I'm sorry I convinced you that you were wrong; that I weren't all that special after all and therefore there is no need to keep me close. Funny, how I was doing all that I could to not make you feel that way. I want you to still talk to me, even if it's to end it and I can move on with a good weep in the cubicle and some wall-punching.

Discard of them, the letters I have hand-written, even if they contained nothing but my truest, most foolish thoughts
Throw them away before they remind you how we should have never started this but did
Throw them away before they do nothing but hurt and infuriate you
I wouldn't trade you for the world but the words I have so involuntarily pour forth on paper are of no worth now.
I'm not turning my words into weapons
I'm not looking to steal from you
I'm not looking to break rules or cross lines
I just needed an outlet because the bad feelings were seeping in, viscous like coagulated blood or fuel oil and they are drowning me and I can't breathe
I'm sorry I know no other way to deal with me

I might have to try harder than I already am
to not still fall for you and everything that you are
But I imagine what I can do, is to stop hurting you.This will be my last post. I will keep my word. I will stop hurting you.
And whoever has been reading this crap, thank you and goodbye.

I'm quite done here now.












I love you.

Now, who says I'm alone, when I've got my demons with me.

Doubts set in when I don't feel you next to me. That's when the monsters drop by and drive me to tears.

"I'mnotgonnaliveforyouOrdieforyouOrdoanythinganymoreforyouBecauseyouleavemehereontheothersideYouleavemehereontheotherside

Iwon'tliveforyouOrdieforyouOrdoanythinganymoreforyouBecauseyouleavemehereontheothersideYouleavemehereontheotherside

Iwon'tliveforyouOrdieforyouDoanythinganymoreforyouBecauseyouleavemehereontheothersideYouleavemehereontheotherside

Iwon'tliveforyouOrdieforyouDoanythinganymoreforyouBecauseyouleavemehereontheothersideYouleavemehereontheotherside

Iwon'tliveforyouordieforyouOrdoanythinganymoreforyou

I'mnotgonnashedonemoretearforyouShedonemoretearforyou

I'mnotgonnashedonemoretearforyou

AtleastnottillSundayafternoon

Sundayafternoon

Leaveorstay

Leaveorstay."

and I mean it. and i still love every single second i spent with you.

I know when I remember how to smile, everything will be OK and I will be enough. This silly pursuit for perfection will thus end. I will cease to cry. We can go to bed at night, lay in the same small bed in the wee morning, kiss each other good night and good morning. Look into each other's eyes and smile. We would see each other for who we are and fall in love with that person over and over again and over and over and over again until we can't anymore. Don't push me away. Just do what you do best. Mend. Love. Heal. Hope. Disappoint. Smile. Live. Tell me a joke. Fuck up and make mistakes because that's what people have been doing forever. I don't know if I'll ever stop loving you or missing you when you're sitting next to me or wanting the best for you but you know what, I am perfectly fine like that. Just loving and loving you with my heart and life on my own accord, simply because I can't have it any other way. I don't lie. I certainly don't wanna start by lying to myself. I just wish, if given a chance, to be there every time you break into a smile or when you break down in tears or when you just wanna scream your head off. I know all you wanna do is run away. It's too bad nobody escapes what's in their head. Only you can free you.

God I don't even know why I'm writing this. You should wait till I'm drunk.

And please don't stop talking to me.













Please?

I should have left a long time ago.
I'm sorry I held you back all this time.

I didn't know.



But you're on your way to a certain happiness now.




Right?

I love you. You must still know that I do and you mean the world to me. Nothing between us has changed. Everything that we have been through together and will go through in the future is just gonna make me fall in love with you over and over again.

And thank you for the awesome 3 months! You taught me how to live and love again, invoking the last shreds of humanity in me and setting my heart beating again. May many many more kick-ass 3 months to come our way.

Oh, and I wish you the strength to conquer your fears and reconcile with who you truly are so you can be happy. Heal that aching part of you. As far as I am concerned, you already are the best and you know I don't patronize or pay any kind of lip service. Faith is always a useful thing to keep in your heart and more than anything, you have me! So smile, pick yourself up, and for once, put yourself first priority and think about what you need. You shall have no fear, my love. No fear to live and to love.

No one should ever stay sad or live with regrets or loss. No one especially you, my dear. It may take forever to make it up for that somebody and it's so hard. So this is where I come in and pull you in so you can rest and continue on your journey later.

Maybe next time I wouldn't wait 3 years to say hello again. Then maybe I would be spending that 3 years with you instead.

I love you and I'm starting to miss you already.

And you left me with more than just star dust to remember you by.