And because I didn’t wanna feel like I was walked out on for no good reasons at all, I sincerely made up my own.

“I wish you would work things out with her. Be happy, exploit the most out of every fleeting moment so I’ll know it was worth it.”

I'm sorry I, consumed by the demons in my head in the wee morning, ripped your chest open, and made you think that I have intentionally exhibited your fondest secrets, instances and moments, conversations and vivid pictures. This is hardly my goal. I had no idea at all but I am just as, if not, more apologetic.

I'm sorry I convinced you that you were wrong; that I weren't all that special after all and therefore there is no need to keep me close. Funny, how I was doing all that I could to not make you feel that way. I want you to still talk to me, even if it's to end it and I can move on with a good weep in the cubicle and some wall-punching.

Discard of them, the letters I have hand-written, even if they contained nothing but my truest, most foolish thoughts
Throw them away before they remind you how we should have never started this but did
Throw them away before they do nothing but hurt and infuriate you
I wouldn't trade you for the world but the words I have so involuntarily pour forth on paper are of no worth now.
I'm not turning my words into weapons
I'm not looking to steal from you
I'm not looking to break rules or cross lines
I just needed an outlet because the bad feelings were seeping in, viscous like coagulated blood or fuel oil and they are drowning me and I can't breathe
I'm sorry I know no other way to deal with me

I might have to try harder than I already am
to not still fall for you and everything that you are
But I imagine what I can do, is to stop hurting you.This will be my last post. I will keep my word. I will stop hurting you.
And whoever has been reading this crap, thank you and goodbye.

I'm quite done here now.












I love you.

Now, who says I'm alone, when I've got my demons with me.

Doubts set in when I don't feel you next to me. That's when the monsters drop by and drive me to tears.

"I'mnotgonnaliveforyouOrdieforyouOrdoanythinganymoreforyouBecauseyouleavemehereontheothersideYouleavemehereontheotherside

Iwon'tliveforyouOrdieforyouOrdoanythinganymoreforyouBecauseyouleavemehereontheothersideYouleavemehereontheotherside

Iwon'tliveforyouOrdieforyouDoanythinganymoreforyouBecauseyouleavemehereontheothersideYouleavemehereontheotherside

Iwon'tliveforyouOrdieforyouDoanythinganymoreforyouBecauseyouleavemehereontheothersideYouleavemehereontheotherside

Iwon'tliveforyouordieforyouOrdoanythinganymoreforyou

I'mnotgonnashedonemoretearforyouShedonemoretearforyou

I'mnotgonnashedonemoretearforyou

AtleastnottillSundayafternoon

Sundayafternoon

Leaveorstay

Leaveorstay."

and I mean it. and i still love every single second i spent with you.

I know when I remember how to smile, everything will be OK and I will be enough. This silly pursuit for perfection will thus end. I will cease to cry. We can go to bed at night, lay in the same small bed in the wee morning, kiss each other good night and good morning. Look into each other's eyes and smile. We would see each other for who we are and fall in love with that person over and over again and over and over and over again until we can't anymore. Don't push me away. Just do what you do best. Mend. Love. Heal. Hope. Disappoint. Smile. Live. Tell me a joke. Fuck up and make mistakes because that's what people have been doing forever. I don't know if I'll ever stop loving you or missing you when you're sitting next to me or wanting the best for you but you know what, I am perfectly fine like that. Just loving and loving you with my heart and life on my own accord, simply because I can't have it any other way. I don't lie. I certainly don't wanna start by lying to myself. I just wish, if given a chance, to be there every time you break into a smile or when you break down in tears or when you just wanna scream your head off. I know all you wanna do is run away. It's too bad nobody escapes what's in their head. Only you can free you.

God I don't even know why I'm writing this. You should wait till I'm drunk.

And please don't stop talking to me.













Please?

I should have left a long time ago.
I'm sorry I held you back all this time.

I didn't know.



But you're on your way to a certain happiness now.




Right?

I love you. You must still know that I do and you mean the world to me. Nothing between us has changed. Everything that we have been through together and will go through in the future is just gonna make me fall in love with you over and over again.

And thank you for the awesome 3 months! You taught me how to live and love again, invoking the last shreds of humanity in me and setting my heart beating again. May many many more kick-ass 3 months to come our way.

Oh, and I wish you the strength to conquer your fears and reconcile with who you truly are so you can be happy. Heal that aching part of you. As far as I am concerned, you already are the best and you know I don't patronize or pay any kind of lip service. Faith is always a useful thing to keep in your heart and more than anything, you have me! So smile, pick yourself up, and for once, put yourself first priority and think about what you need. You shall have no fear, my love. No fear to live and to love.

No one should ever stay sad or live with regrets or loss. No one especially you, my dear. It may take forever to make it up for that somebody and it's so hard. So this is where I come in and pull you in so you can rest and continue on your journey later.

Maybe next time I wouldn't wait 3 years to say hello again. Then maybe I would be spending that 3 years with you instead.

I love you and I'm starting to miss you already.

And you left me with more than just star dust to remember you by.

i've been alive for some odd 26 years and I'd like to think that I know me and

on some levels, like me enough to stay me. I don't have me figured out yet, that much I'm sure of.

I go to sleep, I dream and I think that's the only thing that is real to me.

Maybe that's why I can't sleep well because when I am asleep, I am not really.

And when I am forced to wake up, I am yearning only for my bed, for the night to come and the routine begins. And then 3 months ago, I met you and I think you're a dream that has somehow collided with my warped reality.

And then I can't stop wondering if I have successfully melded reality with my dreams

I see you when it's light out

I see you when the stars come out

I could touch you, feel you, hear you and watch/study you and discover you

I could actually hold you and kiss you like I wanted to 3 years ago

In that case, you must be real then and I am not hallucinating

I am not ill and living in my own world

Sometimes I think about you leaving me

There is this image in my head that I can't erase. It haunts me.

In my head, I see that you are walking away from me, with tear-stained eyes

It was in daylight

It was on familiar streets

The scene played out in my head repeatedly like a broken cassette tape

I tried to turn it off

I tried to turn it into something good

so it can teach me to love you, for however long, maybe for as long as time goes

And it makes me want to love you even more, cherish you like it's the last time

Time is precious, my dear and I don't think we've got much to spare

I don't wanna wake up the next day and regretting not telling you how much I do love you

I will not make that mistake

When you go to sleep with me, next to me, I propped my head up on my elbow

sometimes to look at you

it makes you uncomfortable and so you would turn away from me

I can't help it

I can't help it if I just wanna run my fingers through your hair and trace your lips

I can't help it if I just wanna pull you close and weave my fingers with yours

I can't help it if I just wanna snuggle up to you so you could listen to my heart beat

I can't help it if I start to doubt myself and wonder if you were really lying next to me in my bed.

I can't help it if I can't bear to go to sleep, for fear I would wake up alone, empty and cold.

You must excuse me.

And forgive me for I must have misplaced all my crucial faculties

I wanna live life to the fullest, even if it meant it's gonna hurt worse

I don't care

I am happy now. I am contented. That's all that matters to me right now. Your happiness.

So just be.

Happiness is not rocket science

People just are happy or they are not or they are caught in between or they simply can't feel

So just be with me.

And feel. breathe. bask in the little moments with me.

So someday, when you look back on your life, you can be sure that you have been thoroughly loved and was happy, even for a short while.

I love you.

I really do.

And I think it's something you need to hear.

Till the next time I kiss you, my love.

Letter, please do what I cannot

Christina Perri's A Thousand Years

"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more"

Happy Valentine's Day, my love

Dear sweetheart, dear love, dear soulmate and best friend, dear partner and my dearest Shufen.

There are so many names I could use but nothing comes close to describing what you truly mean to me but I will try.

From the very first moment I laid my eyes on you, I wanted you. I was in awe. I was dumbfounded. I was clueless. I was a coward. I became distracted and detached from reality. For a spilt second, you have taken my world apart and put it back together. From that moment on, all my eyes could see is you. All I could breathe is the peculiar scent you carry. All I could feel and touch and taste is you. All I could think about is you. You bring colors into my world, fill my ears with music and laughter, and compel me to dream up vivid imageries of what life with you can be. Tell me, are you a blurry water paint that's just gonna be washed away when the rain comes again? Or are you the perfect portrait, constructed from acrylic and oil, and will stay to spend the next 60 years with me because that's how long an acrylic painting takes to completely dry?

They say that silence is the loudest at night. It envelops me, it compels me. It's when my wildest fantasies come true, it's why I love, why I yearn for you to be in my arms and why I don't think I can fall asleep without having you lie next to me. I want to make you laugh, anything at all, to keep that smile shining on your face and your laughter in my ears. I wanna share a downpour with you, a thunderstorm in the middle of a weekday. I wanna spend the brightest of Sunday mornings, gloomy afternoons and rainy evenings with you in bed, doing absolutely nothing productive cause that's what Sundays are invented for. I wanna look up at a darkened sky and have you tell me the difference between planets and stars that have died a long time ago. I want you to hold my hand in yours, look into my eyes and smile a crooked grin. I wanna listen to you whisper "I love you" under the most unexpected circumstance and fill my heart to brim. I wanna come home to you after a long day so we could share a hot shower and supper on the kitchen counter. I wanna go to bed with you every night with my hand in yours. I'll gladly give up my end of the bed for you. I wanna wake up every morning to your kisses and grins and have you whisper "good morning, my love." and you can tell me how much you love me, the places we have been in your dreams and the crazy things we have done, like making sweet love along my kitchen aisle as the world watches. I will share with you my dreams but then again, you would already know who's in it.

You.

Still, I constantly miss and crave for you.

I don't believe it's possible to get over you or get too much of you. Forever is no longer just a state of mind. Not when every kiss is a first kiss. Not when we are drawn and folded into each other, and it felt like it's the first time we have ever experienced intimacy. I had wanted to die and I might have been dead for a long time. I might have forgotten the virtues of being alive but secretly I have been mending my heart and soul. I have been preparing myself for the light at the end of the tunnel. I was learning to love myself for you, just so I could love you, like you deserve to be loved. At 25, I may be a child but a child's love and affection is love and humanity at its purest.

So let me keep you close to my heart. Stay with me. Laugh and cry alongside me. Let me hold your hand as we walk along the streets. Let us share a kiss whenever our faces come too close. Rest your head on my chest and listen to my heart race. See the world with me.

Just breathe.

Just be.

Let me love; teach me, teach me how to love you.

Because I love you.

Because I truly do.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

Perhaps next time I will be braver I will be my own savior.

Liebe S,

Ich weiß nicht, warum ich dies schreibe, aber ich kann nicht schlafen. Vielleicht war ich versucht, mich und nichts geht schriftlich für mich zu erlösen. Zumindest ist es das, was ich hoffe.

Heute, oder besser gesagt, gestern war der 1. Tag des chinesischen Neujahrs. Ich habe mir nicht vorstellen, es auszugeben irgendeine andere Weise, aber mit Ihnen. Für alle Feste das wir übersehen haben, waren wir machen das wieder wett. Ich liebe die Fotos, die Sie gesendet, ich liebe unsere Gespräche, zufällig und spontan, witzig und intim. Mit jedem Satz, jedem Ausrufezeichen und Smiley-Gesicht, ich lerne Bits und Stücke über Sie, über die Personen, die Sie lieben und respektieren und halten am Herzen. Ich habe kein Recht, solche eine perfekte Nacht Wrack, aber ich tat. Und ich bin furchtbar leid. Sie hatte keine Ahnung.

Mein Herz brach, als ich dich angerufen habe (und natürlich auch, da ich nicht nennen, dass jemand, mein Herz war schon racing), und ich hörte deine Stimme und du warst so kalt. Ich fühlte mich, als ob mein Herz war durch eine tausendmal durch Scherben von Eis und Glas durchbohrt. Ich wusste nicht, was ich sagen soll, die typisch für mich und wir aufgehängt. Und ich weinte wie ein kleines Mädchen. So viel zum so dass Sie gehen, wenn es Zeit und alles, was zu reden. Wenn Sie zu lesen dies geschehen, zu verstehen, dass ich nicht versuchen, Sympathie Punkte oder so etwas zu gewinnen. Ich brauchte nur zu reden, gehen zu lassen.

Du denkst immer, dass ich blind und deshalb getrübt, aber ich habe nicht gefühlt mehr nüchtern und bewusst über meine Möglichkeiten als ich jetzt habe. Und ich bin sicher wie die Hölle erinnert sich nicht an das letzte Mal, dass ich für jeden, rief zweimal. Du denkst, es ist, weil ich mich verschlossen haben sich für 10 Jahre und jetzt, dass ich mein Herz, egal, wer die Person ist eröffnet, würde ich natürlich überfordert fühlen. Nun, ich bitte um unterscheiden.Ich habe nicht nur beschlossen, mein Herz vor 3 Wochen offen, und ich sicher wie die Hölle, würde nicht nur wir alle in. Wenn ich es tat, würde ich wahrscheinlich nicht noch Single. Ich würde wahrscheinlich in einen Scheiß-Reihe von schlechten Beziehungen stecken. Ich wollte nicht wählen, um in dich verlieben, aber mein Herz hat. Ich tat. Jetzt kann ich nicht aufhören an dich zu denken. Ich kann nicht aufhören wollen Sie, dich zu berühren, zu fühlen, dich nah bei mir. Ich weiß, ich bin auf geborgte Zeit leben. Ich weiß, dass ich gehen zu lassen haben. Ich weiß, dass du liebst mich nicht und wird es nie. Wir sind kein Liebespaar oder Freundinnen, aber wir sind Seelenverwandte und dass mir mehr bedeutet als alles, was in dieser Welt.

Sie fragte, warum ich Angst hatte, und ich konnte nie kommen mit einer befriedigenden Antwort. Ich vermute, es war mein Überlebensinstinkt kicking in. Vielleicht 0,001% von mir, um mich von einem verheerenden Herzschmerz oder ein Missverständnis, dass ich vielleicht nicht rechtzeitig zum erholen retten will. Vielleicht, wenn ich nicht erwarte, werde ich nicht das Gefühl, Enttäuschung. Vielleicht, wenn ich nicht will dich so sehr, wie ich jede wache Minute tun, werde ich keine Sehnsucht nach ihr in der Mitte der Nacht. Vielleicht. Ich weiß nicht. Was ich weiß ist, dass ich Sie und mit wie wenig Zeit ich habe, ich werde dich mit rücksichtsloser Hingabe lieben, mit jedem letzten Atemzug und mein Bestes tun, um Ihr Vertrauen zu verdienen und dich glücklich machen, fühlen Sie sich geliebt. So füllen Sie bis zum Rand mit guten Erinnerungen so dass Sie im Leben zu gehen, um jemand anderen zu lieben. Ja, das ist mein Plan.

Manchmal frage ich mich, warum Sie das tun, was Sie tun. Sind Sie versuchen, mich zu retten?Ich denke, ich brauche nicht zu wissen. Liebe ist Liebe. Ich brauche einen Grund. Ich habe gerade auf mein Herz sagt mir, zu handeln, und dass ist es, Sie mit all meiner Kraft lieben.Manchmal aber möchte ich für Sie, weniger logisch und romantisch, wie ich. Denn ihr habt mir zu weit in ergriffen, um mich der Qual zu ersparen. Ich werde verletzt, aber ich werde wieder aufstehen. Ich wünschte, du würdest mir glauben, wenn ich das sage. Ich wünschte, wir könnten nur ... Liebe. Kein Zweifel mehr, nur Liebe und Glück.

Es tut mir leid wieder weh dich heute abend. Ich betete, dass es noch nie passiert ist und dass es nie wieder passieren.

I am suddenly reminded of this song:

"You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You never know, dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away,"

Vielleicht beim nächsten Mal werde ich mutiger. Ich werde mein eigener Retter werden.