But all of this means nothing

"I found that record you'd been looking for yesterday

The one I'd been searching for forever

I played that record all night, you were right

The last song said it all

Even though it skipped a bit, it sounded better

I never, I never, I never knew

The only way to listen to a record like that

Is to play it through

But all of this means nothing

Yeah, all of this means nothing

All of this means nothing

Without you

I packed up the car and started to drive

Without a plan, with no direction

You said it'd be good for me

To break out of my daily routine

You were always trying to teach some lesson

You wanted, you wanted, you wanted me

To feel the open road with the wind on my face

Well, I'm here and I'm finally free

But all of this means nothing

Yeah, all of this means nothing

All of this means nothing

Without you

You and I were partners in crime

Petty thieves in a line up

But somehow we wound up here

I'm looking at a letter that I wrote to you long ago

I wouldn't even know now where to send it

It's funny how it all poured out on paper

If only I had found a way to tell you

If only, if only, if only you

Had found a way to love me for who I am

The way that I loved you

But all of this means nothing

Yeah, all of this means nothing

All of this means nothing

Without

Without

Without

Without

Without you

*Dealbreaker, Track 10, Rachael Yamagata, Chesapeake

It's Christmas tonight and I've been out alone all day. I was in 1912 for 2 whole hours. I was part of an imminent tragedy but I didn't die. I was a 2-week old infant named Elizabeth and I survived.

I'm so tired. I'm kinda in a daze right now. I'm on a sugar+caffeine rush and I feel like blacking out. It's worse than being drunk. I can't breathe. I'm shutting down. And the crowd is fucking crazy, IS fucking driving me crazy. I hear laughter everywhere. I think I'll head home straight, before I go insane. Jump into a shower, rest my head until I have to wake again. Until the sun comes up again. Or until it starts to rain like a symphony in my head. The only trouble is, I can't stay in bed, for I'm currently living a lie I am forced to spun. But I'll get out of it soon, I promise you.

But I love you.

And I love you so much.

And I'll love you forever. Until the end of time.

I'll plead with you in my sleep for you to make me pancakes in the morning

Funny shapes

I'll close my eyes and hold you tight

I wouldn't wanna let you go now, would I?

I don't wanna let you go.

So please don't leave.

Don't leave me

Don't walk away

Don't cross that light

Stay where you are.

I'm coming for you.

I'm coming to save you.

坦然选择放弃 不是我提早违背对你许下的诺言
更不是种胆小懦弱的表现
只因不想在睡梦中再次被已失去你的事实痛醒

真心诚意地将旧回忆暂搁一旁
偶尔才拿出来回忆不是我忘了你相反的 是因为害怕失去仅有的你才会把心房均匀切开 隔出足够空位来方便随时想念你

爱你是不变的事实
在星期五的早上失去了你也是不变的事实
而改变却是宇宙万物唯一不变的事实
我想停止一切折磨
我想重新开始
我想你也会赞成我的想法 支持我吧？

Dear Liesl

I know I haven't call you that for a long time. In fact, I haven't called you at all.

The birthday celebrations went well. Had a cake-sandwich at the Botanic Gardens. My first visit. Sat on a mat on a grass patch on a beautiful Monday morning. Fed the turtles and cat fishes by the pond. Saw a pair of swans and actually witnessed a pair of cat fishes making out in the water. Their bodies were literally out of the water. I know, fishes bonding. I sure as hell have never seen that before until that Monday. And how come we never thought about having a picnic? You would have liked that. The weather was good and the scenary beautiful. We could sit under the shade and laze and talk all day. And it was not expensive at all. Oh well, I'll just add that to the list.

And then, there were dinners with people who knew about you and people who will never. I have enjoyed them. And beer. Paulaner. You would agree. And ice cream. Andersen. Definitely Danish. And I had flavor of the week; Danish Nougat. Yeah, that's about it. I thanked my friends for showing up. They didn't have to. And then shortly after that, I received news of a funeral. I know, right?

And last night, a baby shower. We welcome Baby Ashley Cheah into the world, born 18th November 2011 at Singapore General Hospital at approximately 2008 hours. She's beyond lovely. I will show you pictures.

Work has been toiling, more emotionally than physically. I feel like I belong in an entirely different league altogether. I feel like persecuted like a victim. I am leaving. I am leaving to go away. I am leaving to beg at someone else's door and pray they don't tear me apart. And I am leaving for Nepal. In March. A break. A test. Another confirmation. Something to jolt me out of my dream. Hopefully.

I cried last night. Twice. I cried because I remembered deleting your phone number. It was the last time I laid in our bed, in Alexander's flat. I stared at you for the longest time as I thought about what we have been through. And then it happened. I waved goodbye to you and I pressed the 'delete' button and you were gone.

How I wish you were here.

To save me, from me. To stop all this crying.

Now, tell me about you. How are you doing? Do you miss me? Do you still wear your heart on your sleeve? Are you still as kind as ever? Do you still smile when you think about pancakes, the sun, the blush on Alexander's face, me? Do you wish I haven't taken you back that night?

Do you wish you could take back your words about a wedding under the stars, just the two of us? Taking back the vows you made to me. Do you wish we were never happy?

Do you wish you never knew me? Never loved me?

You could have gone back to Damien that night but you didn't. You, sweetheart of a lover, showed up at my doorstep with a burning candle! The flame said the words you never could. Love, was what the flame was. Always burning, always passionate and comforting. Now that flame's extinguished. No oxygen. No light. Nothing.
I am left with nothing.
I am nothing.
I want to be something.
I want to be with someone new, someone who would love you like I do. Someone I could love till I die.
Someone I can cry to. Someone who would let me cry and then hold me tight with no questions asked.
Someone who just knows what's going on inside of me.
Someone who knows all that I needed was a hug and a kiss.
Someone who encourages me to take leaps of faith because even if I do fall, I wouldn't be alone.
Someone who reads my thoughts
Hear the unspoken words I can't find the right words for
Someone who loves the written word because that is where all my secrets are.
Someone who is you, is like you.

"Don't be silly, dear." I heard you say.
Indeed, I have been silly but life hasn't been easy. Not at all. Not like you've promised. But I am trying. I am trying to breathe. Someday, I'll get there. I'll get to where you are.

Someday.

For Steph, a warrior and a believer

If you love me, love me

If you don't have a heart, here, take mine

But if you're gonna hurt it, then break it thoroughly, make it worth every ounce of agony, every drop of stray tear

We will eventually work alongside this distance, work it to our advantage somehow, you said, when you were still craving for me, when you know next to nothing about me but you knew how I wanted you back the way you wanted me

Back then, it was all we needed.

And I nodded, thinking you must be right, for it's high time I rest my feet and quell my fears, set my chaotic world at ease

I wish to be at peace

Was it because we were too happy?

Were we disaster's perfect recipe?

Were we wrong from the beginning?

No, it can't be

I won't take this

Not when I still remember every vivid scene and kiss, right down to every minute detail, every word you filled my ears with in the morning

I swear it wasn't just make-believe that I weave inside my head

You're not a casual pastime, not a fling or hobby that I can erase and put aside

It was all real, at least to me you were

No, I didn't wreck this

In fact, on the bloody contrary, you did.

Life did.

No, this is not my fault for I remain true till the end

I overcame my demons and I naively thought I was at the top of my game but it was all but a hollow victory, I'm a winner who had lost everything

But hey, at least I could answer to my conscience

I could breathe easy

I hardly think I could say the same for you

As you laid in bed, wide-eyed, in the dead of night, thinking about how it could have all been

No, this mistake is not the manifestation of my flaws combined

It must be life's filtering system at its most untimely fault

So how can I still feel injustice, or say that love and fate and the pursuit of happiness are fleeting states of mind?

When I knew I had, for a brief eternity, lived my life?

And lived it wise.

I have seen the world, walked it

I have been on a helicopter, enjoyed it

I have seen my fill of breathtaking coastlines

It's the 'seen-it-done-it' deal for me

The world is still up for grabs,

For those who wants it

And I know I want it

I hear it screaming out my name

And nothing's coming in between

From now on, we'll both move on

We will assign a corner in our hearts for when one of us comes back again

We'll be ready to entertain

By then, we'll be immuned of each other's pain

We'll be on our way and emerge as our own survivors

Surviving separately together

Yeah, it's gonna be OK.

Yeah, I'm gonna be OK.

Yeah, I still wish the best for you and your other/better half

We met, we love, and now we part

We are just going through the rhyhmns of life, of our hearts

It's no big

I am built to overcome this

So yeah, if you don't mind me repeating

I'm gonna be OK :)