Dear God,
If you were out there, and so full of love and giving and all that shit, would you kindly give me a call. Tell me what makes your love and what makes you you and what makes your disciples or just people in general them and on the right path? And better worth in THAT particular place of the most vaguest description one would manage?
I'm gay and I'm human and that makes me better than you. I am more tangible and closer and way fallible than you could ever be. I do things, I fuck them up and then I do them again and it sort of become routine. I love and probably am and was loved (this, I probably is a notch below you but you know, no one can win at everything so...it's cool) Children of yours speak of love and giving and yet pride themselves with denial, prejudices and being closet-minded; denying it when it's the most needed, never knowing what it really means and feels.
Why is love a sin and that of a rigid and inhuman regulation in your little black book, which by the way, font's way too tiny. Why can't two human beings, of the similar gender and most coincidently, of similar orientation be together, and be as decent as it could ever be? Why do nations have laws that kill people who just wanna be in love and honest? Why can't they just give them that darn freaking paper so they could be just like everybody else with a house and a dog or two and maybe, just maybe a kid too. I can't ask enough like you can't say no enough.
Love is a beautiful thing, sex might not even be as good. Humans are beautiful, women especially. They are the mothers of everything. They care about emotions, gratifications, attractions and appeals etc...they care about the fundamentals of anything, being such intricate and sensitive and sometimes insightful creatures. I'm not dissing the guys; I just don't have anything wonderful to say about them yet. It'll happen. Soon
You see, I'm doing this project, setting up a restaurant catered only to the homosexual community, if only in my head. I was supposed to find solutions to deal with sheer negativity and ignorance from the general and media at large, my mom and family being a part of them, I'm sure. I can't find nothing yet and I had to present it to my tutor in the late afternoon tomorrow...we'll see what happens.
I had this plan thing...to exercise and completely refrain from fastfood. Never really like either of them but if I had to do something incredibly intelligent for myself before I die, this would be one of it.
Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone
Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
Girls Aloud - Whole Lotta History
Pink - Dear Mr. President
Snow Patrol - Run
The bad news is I'm officially deaf pretty much. The headphones are officially busted; it's on the left side for now and I think I'm going to not survive!!!
I hear only music.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
"If I must go,
Now would be good time
For no one would have to grieve too long
Have I made an impact?
On a stranger who wouldn't have known me otherwise
Have I made someone's day?
With sincerity and words I said
I wish I'm gone
Really, just ashes and dust
Just a distant memory and perhaps
Of someone else's blurry watercolor paint
I wish I'm already part of the stars
That I am insignificant and humble
Yet still full of crap and babble
There would be another me, I'm sure but one less like me I hope
Don't wanna hurt anymore like I can't be hurt no more
Everything should be quieter now like bubbles on water, as when the sun sets
I shall cease to be heard though the air around my grave hardly stale
I pray I die in love as would my lover
And those who had known and learnt of me."
I watched this lesbian film probably made last century a few couple of days ago. It's about an investigation surrounding this young girl who wrote and shared her poems and so full of love and death and sort of almost despair but really sexually-charged. Her parents knew shit about her and then she went missing and was later found dead and buried under probably the basement of her very own home where you pretty much see parents walking around, and worrying and later mourning and grieving. She wasn't gay; it was the detective or rather the private investigator who's gay and who fucked the girl's lecturer who in turn was actually married to this lawyer guy whom I think killed the girl. Anyway, it was a bad film. And I thought they were supposed to be talking in English? Well, I don't know.
Anyway, after watching the film, I thought I could maybe try to write something too...and I can't decide on a title, if one should ever be needed. Nothing as good probably but what the hell!
"When you left that day
I remembered I counted each and every step
Those steps that took you further away
Away from this world, from the very one who loves
The clothes he stained he will pay
That last thought in your head could never stray
As fresh and fast your blood would spread
When you're gone
It was the end.
I always needed time on my own
Just never figured I needed you more
When I cried, When I lost what's bright
When I can no longer tell what's wrong from right
What's color from black and white
What's the diff' between being dead or alive.
I miss those times
The color of your eyes
The moments you wouldn't let me say goodbye
I miss you so much I can't fill this gaping hole
So fucking much I can't hurt no more
There is only so much I can take
There is only this much life is fair.
We were supposed to belong, and stay together
To fit like 2 perfect puzzle pieces
Just as the sea's always filled with water
Just as the night sky never fails to glitter
"It was only an accident", he said, after he took you away without ever knowing your face
Without trying to learn your last name
I wish I could be like him
To forget you were the only reason I was ever sane
I prayed I've not memorized his face
For only yours should remain this fresh.
I've always dreamt of you coming back
Hearing you say 'I love you' back
Over and over again and not just in my head
Knowing you would never take it back
Yet each time I wake, silence is all I'll ever get
And then...
I forgot to forget..."
This, on the other hand was inspired by the fact I couldn't find the next perfect personal message for my MSN Messenger and I remembered I can't quite remember things so...and it almost felt like a song but I don't know...tell me what you think...
Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone
Girls Aloud - Whole Lotta History
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
Now would be good time
For no one would have to grieve too long
Have I made an impact?
On a stranger who wouldn't have known me otherwise
Have I made someone's day?
With sincerity and words I said
I wish I'm gone
Really, just ashes and dust
Just a distant memory and perhaps
Of someone else's blurry watercolor paint
I wish I'm already part of the stars
That I am insignificant and humble
Yet still full of crap and babble
There would be another me, I'm sure but one less like me I hope
Don't wanna hurt anymore like I can't be hurt no more
Everything should be quieter now like bubbles on water, as when the sun sets
I shall cease to be heard though the air around my grave hardly stale
I pray I die in love as would my lover
And those who had known and learnt of me."
I watched this lesbian film probably made last century a few couple of days ago. It's about an investigation surrounding this young girl who wrote and shared her poems and so full of love and death and sort of almost despair but really sexually-charged. Her parents knew shit about her and then she went missing and was later found dead and buried under probably the basement of her very own home where you pretty much see parents walking around, and worrying and later mourning and grieving. She wasn't gay; it was the detective or rather the private investigator who's gay and who fucked the girl's lecturer who in turn was actually married to this lawyer guy whom I think killed the girl. Anyway, it was a bad film. And I thought they were supposed to be talking in English? Well, I don't know.
Anyway, after watching the film, I thought I could maybe try to write something too...and I can't decide on a title, if one should ever be needed. Nothing as good probably but what the hell!
"When you left that day
I remembered I counted each and every step
Those steps that took you further away
Away from this world, from the very one who loves
The clothes he stained he will pay
That last thought in your head could never stray
As fresh and fast your blood would spread
When you're gone
It was the end.
I always needed time on my own
Just never figured I needed you more
When I cried, When I lost what's bright
When I can no longer tell what's wrong from right
What's color from black and white
What's the diff' between being dead or alive.
I miss those times
The color of your eyes
The moments you wouldn't let me say goodbye
I miss you so much I can't fill this gaping hole
So fucking much I can't hurt no more
There is only so much I can take
There is only this much life is fair.
We were supposed to belong, and stay together
To fit like 2 perfect puzzle pieces
Just as the sea's always filled with water
Just as the night sky never fails to glitter
"It was only an accident", he said, after he took you away without ever knowing your face
Without trying to learn your last name
I wish I could be like him
To forget you were the only reason I was ever sane
I prayed I've not memorized his face
For only yours should remain this fresh.
I've always dreamt of you coming back
Hearing you say 'I love you' back
Over and over again and not just in my head
Knowing you would never take it back
Yet each time I wake, silence is all I'll ever get
And then...
I forgot to forget..."
This, on the other hand was inspired by the fact I couldn't find the next perfect personal message for my MSN Messenger and I remembered I can't quite remember things so...and it almost felt like a song but I don't know...tell me what you think...
Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone
Girls Aloud - Whole Lotta History
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Just how strong is your faith to God?
I'm not sure if I believed in a man called God. I'm not even sure how he looked like or if he was indeed ever alive. It could very well be a she. And no one can answer that question. How do you go about tracing the identity and work of a man who lived a million years ago among the ignorant and new and be professional and general about it? No way.
Over the years, I've witnessed how religions or rather God, one or many, whatever works for you has salvaged and crushed at the same time. I'm not going to be discriminating, or be badmouthing any one kind of religion, just to be clear. Only voicing my own personal views on the whole crushing picture like I would on my personal blog. (I like disclaimers :P And a lot.)
There are a few instances, friends, who got me thinking. Are pledges and faiths in a specific religion or God's teachings be such binding, and rendering poor souls to helplessness? It deters progress and thrills, defy wishes and decisions. Life became not about living, but following and judging and saying yes and no to the wrong persons. Life became about abandoning thoughts and dreams because apparently, hello, sinful thoughts and must be eliminated and so forth. God, and I thought the situation would gradually be a tad bit better than, i don't know 10 years ago?
I recalled vividly when I was in high school, I presented this newspaper article, one about a murder. A Muslim father murdered his own 19 year old daughter because she wanted to marry a Christian blue-eyed man who by the way, I think loved her. The case took place in America where the father has raised his daughter. The daughter scored good grades and was the kind of daughter any father would like...and her father decided to kill her because he himself put and raised her in a Western country where friends and people she met are mainly Caucasians and mostly Catholic. Hmm....stop and behold the irony. And it is only one of the many other cases where family members murder one of themselves in the name of God.
I am certain that by God's grace and the faith in Him, a lot of people has survived. Over the decades, people had gone through numerous wars, natural disasters to slightly more mundane and human challenges like loss and separation, deaths of loved ones etc...Many of these people have survived, I'm sure, through praying and spending Sundays in a church in a group who ate turkey and open presents laid under a tree. I guess there are shades of gray when it comes to religions, just like most things are.
Tell you what I think. I think everyone is God, yes, man or woman or child and whatever race and skin color, whatever native tongue, wealth or poor. You are ultimately the reason why you acted, why you spoke and thought and behaved the way you did. You are not breathing and eating and crying and laughing and fucking for anyone else's sake but yourself. You are making the decisions, calling the shots, and acting on strange but valid impulses. And then dealing with whatever consequences. As far as I'm concerned, as long as you are not hurting anyone or yourself, it's your life and you shall live as you deem fit. So, religions, they are like school and other life experiences where you should just be taking whatever you think is helpful and useful and use them as a guideline but nothing extreme.
Evanescence - My Immortal
Jojo - How To Touch A Girl
K's choice - Live For Real
Over the years, I've witnessed how religions or rather God, one or many, whatever works for you has salvaged and crushed at the same time. I'm not going to be discriminating, or be badmouthing any one kind of religion, just to be clear. Only voicing my own personal views on the whole crushing picture like I would on my personal blog. (I like disclaimers :P And a lot.)
There are a few instances, friends, who got me thinking. Are pledges and faiths in a specific religion or God's teachings be such binding, and rendering poor souls to helplessness? It deters progress and thrills, defy wishes and decisions. Life became not about living, but following and judging and saying yes and no to the wrong persons. Life became about abandoning thoughts and dreams because apparently, hello, sinful thoughts and must be eliminated and so forth. God, and I thought the situation would gradually be a tad bit better than, i don't know 10 years ago?
I recalled vividly when I was in high school, I presented this newspaper article, one about a murder. A Muslim father murdered his own 19 year old daughter because she wanted to marry a Christian blue-eyed man who by the way, I think loved her. The case took place in America where the father has raised his daughter. The daughter scored good grades and was the kind of daughter any father would like...and her father decided to kill her because he himself put and raised her in a Western country where friends and people she met are mainly Caucasians and mostly Catholic. Hmm....stop and behold the irony. And it is only one of the many other cases where family members murder one of themselves in the name of God.
I am certain that by God's grace and the faith in Him, a lot of people has survived. Over the decades, people had gone through numerous wars, natural disasters to slightly more mundane and human challenges like loss and separation, deaths of loved ones etc...Many of these people have survived, I'm sure, through praying and spending Sundays in a church in a group who ate turkey and open presents laid under a tree. I guess there are shades of gray when it comes to religions, just like most things are.
Tell you what I think. I think everyone is God, yes, man or woman or child and whatever race and skin color, whatever native tongue, wealth or poor. You are ultimately the reason why you acted, why you spoke and thought and behaved the way you did. You are not breathing and eating and crying and laughing and fucking for anyone else's sake but yourself. You are making the decisions, calling the shots, and acting on strange but valid impulses. And then dealing with whatever consequences. As far as I'm concerned, as long as you are not hurting anyone or yourself, it's your life and you shall live as you deem fit. So, religions, they are like school and other life experiences where you should just be taking whatever you think is helpful and useful and use them as a guideline but nothing extreme.
Evanescence - My Immortal
Jojo - How To Touch A Girl
K's choice - Live For Real
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa
ok, so I've moved, after some 75 entries, I needed a new hideout. Call it 'on the run' if you have to. There were definitely elements of the like in play here...
Mended Hearts
5 minutes before I started out on this blog, I was watching one of Ghost Whisperer's rerun on cable called "Mended Hearts" . Tonight's episode was about this trialthon guy, Conor Donovan who got into an accident in one of his races and died and he stayed on because he couldn't leave his fianceé, Gwen Alexander behind and Gwen had refused to move on either. Conor was an organ donor in the episode and the other thing that was holding him back from crossing over and into the light was that he wanted to make sure that whoever got his heart was worthy of it and he was taking care of it, the way he did i guess. That guy was Cliff Aimes who eventually kinda became Conor in his own way.
I became an organ donor a week ago. It was one of those things that came naturally and part of my list, so to speak before I die or after, I can't decide. Donating blood every 3 months used to be part of that list but I got sicker or something and the nice people at the blood bank wouldn't take my blood even when I pleaded on my knees. But anyway, the organ donor thing, that was mandatory. As soon as you turn 21, the ministry of health i think would send you this letter, asking if you would go with the flow and with them or if you wanna refuse the chance to save 6 strangers with whatever organs that you know you wouldn't need no more when you're gone. That was pretty much it. I was kinda excited about it cause you know, part of my list. And I did it, said yes, and got the card and name on the register a week ago. And one of the organs I would be donating would be my heart.
I often wonder what lies in front of me. Was it going to be more loneliness, more loss or would I, by God's grace, meet someone new and have my own Happily Ever After. For the longest time, I was convinced that when something good and wonderful happens, something bad follows right after. It's like someone's out there and he's jealous of you and he wouldn't let you be happy for long. So if I do get to meet someone, I might not really get that Happily Ever After ending I wanted because it's just the way it is. When I die, I would be giving my heart away to someone too...like Conor did in the episode. And Cliff, the guy who got the transplant, he sort of inherited certain traits and memories of Conor. Like he smelt the same sweet Gardenia fragrance Gwen was wearing or he got cravings of food he never would have eaten before the surgery and he does things that were very Conor. He would make everyone's job much easier if he could, and each time he and Gwen were in a restaurant and they were eating bread, and there would be breadcrumbs on the table, Conor would sweep it up into his palm and hold them until he could throw them away. After the transplant, Cliff did the exact same things. And guys, it's very thought-provoking to me, considering I could be very well be giving my heart away to some stranger tomorrow...
It's a very intriguing thought...ok I know it's tv and some guy wrote it but still...I wonder. If the person who got my heart would somehow be sharing the same memories and traits that were distinctive and once me. If he/she cries as easily about virtually everything that's worth, if he/she loves and enjoys the same things I did...if he/she remembers certain things that I've been through and seen when I was alive. It would have been very interesting.I'm dying. Just like everyone in the world is. Everyone starts to cherish what they have more, perhaps started a long string of letters for the people they love to tell me them exactly. Or opted out on some thrilling ride, or the next bungee jump. I'm not sure if I've told anyone I loved them nor was I certain if I spent enough time with anyone or if I've done enough for them. A friend told me a night ago what she would have done if she knew she was going to die. She would go around and tell anyone and everyone who ever knew her, especially her family that she loves them and she wants them to take care of themselves...Frankly, I don't know what I would have done, if I know I would die in say, a month. I would probably just be spending the month alone, and doing things that I like. I remembered telling Eva to take care of herself if I were to die and I couldn't be there for her anymore. And that I only asked that she would think of me and the times we had once in a good while. She was really mad at me when I said that. She wanted me to not think about stuff like that and stay positive and all that. She wanted me alive, at least until the day we would meet in person. I'm not sure. If things are the way they are in the show, I would probably be staying around and by the side of my loved one(s) for as long as I possibly can after I die...just to make sure they're all right and only for selfish reasons..."Sometimes I wonder who's holding back who..."
Evanescence - My Immortal
J-five - Find A Way
Jojo - Never Say Goodbye
Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home
I became an organ donor a week ago. It was one of those things that came naturally and part of my list, so to speak before I die or after, I can't decide. Donating blood every 3 months used to be part of that list but I got sicker or something and the nice people at the blood bank wouldn't take my blood even when I pleaded on my knees. But anyway, the organ donor thing, that was mandatory. As soon as you turn 21, the ministry of health i think would send you this letter, asking if you would go with the flow and with them or if you wanna refuse the chance to save 6 strangers with whatever organs that you know you wouldn't need no more when you're gone. That was pretty much it. I was kinda excited about it cause you know, part of my list. And I did it, said yes, and got the card and name on the register a week ago. And one of the organs I would be donating would be my heart.
I often wonder what lies in front of me. Was it going to be more loneliness, more loss or would I, by God's grace, meet someone new and have my own Happily Ever After. For the longest time, I was convinced that when something good and wonderful happens, something bad follows right after. It's like someone's out there and he's jealous of you and he wouldn't let you be happy for long. So if I do get to meet someone, I might not really get that Happily Ever After ending I wanted because it's just the way it is. When I die, I would be giving my heart away to someone too...like Conor did in the episode. And Cliff, the guy who got the transplant, he sort of inherited certain traits and memories of Conor. Like he smelt the same sweet Gardenia fragrance Gwen was wearing or he got cravings of food he never would have eaten before the surgery and he does things that were very Conor. He would make everyone's job much easier if he could, and each time he and Gwen were in a restaurant and they were eating bread, and there would be breadcrumbs on the table, Conor would sweep it up into his palm and hold them until he could throw them away. After the transplant, Cliff did the exact same things. And guys, it's very thought-provoking to me, considering I could be very well be giving my heart away to some stranger tomorrow...
It's a very intriguing thought...ok I know it's tv and some guy wrote it but still...I wonder. If the person who got my heart would somehow be sharing the same memories and traits that were distinctive and once me. If he/she cries as easily about virtually everything that's worth, if he/she loves and enjoys the same things I did...if he/she remembers certain things that I've been through and seen when I was alive. It would have been very interesting.I'm dying. Just like everyone in the world is. Everyone starts to cherish what they have more, perhaps started a long string of letters for the people they love to tell me them exactly. Or opted out on some thrilling ride, or the next bungee jump. I'm not sure if I've told anyone I loved them nor was I certain if I spent enough time with anyone or if I've done enough for them. A friend told me a night ago what she would have done if she knew she was going to die. She would go around and tell anyone and everyone who ever knew her, especially her family that she loves them and she wants them to take care of themselves...Frankly, I don't know what I would have done, if I know I would die in say, a month. I would probably just be spending the month alone, and doing things that I like. I remembered telling Eva to take care of herself if I were to die and I couldn't be there for her anymore. And that I only asked that she would think of me and the times we had once in a good while. She was really mad at me when I said that. She wanted me to not think about stuff like that and stay positive and all that. She wanted me alive, at least until the day we would meet in person. I'm not sure. If things are the way they are in the show, I would probably be staying around and by the side of my loved one(s) for as long as I possibly can after I die...just to make sure they're all right and only for selfish reasons..."Sometimes I wonder who's holding back who..."
Evanescence - My Immortal
J-five - Find A Way
Jojo - Never Say Goodbye
Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home
"Till Death Do Us Part"
“Till death do us part, my love, if only for a short while.” Clutching the letter so tightly her knuckles turned pale, Tara Gellar fought off in futile the impossible raging surge of emotions that go on inside her. She could not distinguish between gratitude and anger that Alexis hid the letter. AJ spotted the letter when he was fumbling through one of those secret drawers his father had in his study room. The young boy has taken it upon himself to clearing Alexis’ stuff. Tara never cared about those drawers simply because it did not matter. “Well, I have secrets of my own too, you know.” She replied with a mischievous grin, when Alexis wondered if she were ever curious about what he had in those drawers, the secrets he kept. Now that she thought about it, if no one ever did fumbled through those drawers, she would never have had the chance to read Alexis’ letter to her. Years has since slipped away the way her beloved husband did, as silent as night, as inevitable as death usually was. But Tara could still recall vividly the ugly meltdown after Alexis’ funeral service, with her son. It was the first time she ever hit him. AJ’s grades were slipping and he decided he should skip his lectures so he could fail his year-end papers.
“I don't have anybody.” AJ yelled, at the top of his lungs. “What? Of course you do, AJ. You have me!” Tara was taken aback by his son’s sudden outburst. “No, I don't. You won't even look at me. It's so obvious you don't want me around.” “That's not true.” Tara said unconvincingly. It would have been deception to say that it has been easy and painless living with AJ, especially after Alexis died. Every time she looked at AJ, she saw his father; the messy blond hair, the same sparkle and the color of summer meadows that would reflect from his big, emerald eyes. At times, Tara found it hard to even stay in the same room. Ironically, it was the only reason why they even tried for a kid. Alexis wanted a part of him behind, to protect and love his Tara, the way he had. It sure was one hell of a risk they took.
“Yes it is. Dad ... died, and it's like you don't even care.” AJ countered harshly. Tara was shocked and tears stung her eyes. “Of course I care. How can you even think that?” “How can I not? You haven't even cried. You've just been running around like it's been some big chore or something. Cleaning up after Dad's mess.” Tara slapped AJ across the face as he yelped, putting his hand to his swollen cheek. As soon as her action sank, Tara put her hand over her mouth in horror. “AJ ... I've been ... working. I've been busy, because I have to…” “No! You've been avoiding me.” AJ confronted his mother. “I'm not! ... I have to do these things, 'cause ... 'cause when I stop, then he's really gone.” AJ frowned in confusion, trying to make sense of his mother’s words. “And I'm trying. AJ, I am, I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Your father always knew.” Truth was Alexis has always been the stronger one among them. “Nobody's asking you to be Dad.” “Well, who's gonna be if I'm not? Huh, AJ? Have you even thought about that? Who's gonna make things better?” Tara cried harder. “Who's gonna take care of us?” “Mom…” “I didn't mean to push you away, I didn't. I just, I couldn't let you see me.” AJ watched in tears as his mother collapsed on the floor. “I don't know what we're gonna do. I'm scared.”
In retrospect, Tara didn’t have the slightest idea how she lasted this long, with no means to fend for her own child and no anybody to speak of. It was then she realized it was Alexis who pulled her through. Albeit Alexis was gone, he had left with Tara memories to last the rest of her life. It took everything Alexis had in him to come clean with Tara, the painful truth he was HIV positive. It was two months before their wedding, when Alexis showed up at Tara’s doorstep, his blood test result in hand. She could tell instantly that something was wrong but she couldn’t put a finger on it. Alexis convinced Tara the test was simply a routine for his medical checkup and that she shouldn’t be fretting over it. Her world shattered as Alexis broke the news.
“You slept with some whore you don’t even know?” Tara questioned harshly her voice broke and wiping away stray tears. She refused to be the weak one and let Alexis see her cry. He could not even bring himself to look at her. “I’m sorry,” He mustered barely. “Sorry, that all you can say?” Her gaze pierced through Alexis’ soul as she slapped him across his face. “How could you?” Tara demanded. Alexis tried to take Tara into his embrace. “How could you?” She said again, fighting off and pounding hard with her fists against Alexis’ chest as she broke down. “I’m sorry…” Under normal circumstances, any sound woman would have broken up the engagement and be grateful to be able go on with life but Tara could never leave Alexis. Okay, so none of that dancing around under a crescent moon and drinking infinite amount of quality champagne and exchanging vows in a church happened but it was Alexis. She could give up that much if it meant still having him around.
“And Andrea called too, she and Brad couldn’t make it either, something about being sick to the stomach. So reception is cancelled.” Tara said, shrugging her shoulders carelessly as she wrote the last few names off their guests list. “It’s better; we’ll have the cake, champagne and all that dancing space to ourselves.” Alexis looked up at his girl. “I think we should elope right now. You always wanted to travel. It’ll be great.” Tara actually managed to look excited and got back to dialing numbers. “I’m sorry but the folks aren’t flying in for the wedding either.” Tara said, putting down the receiver. “Your parents?” Alexis frowned. “Yeah,” she said, dismissively. “Well, my dad used the word ‘abasement’. Abasement, who would have thought of that,” Tara shook her head in disgust, unimpressed, and going through the guest list, just to realize that no one is actually coming. Alexis looked sadly at Tara, studying her, and with his right thumb, caressed her cheeks gently. And no sooner, the façade melted and Tara broke under his touch, started weeping uncontrollably. “He’s my dad!!” Tara yelled, her tears soaking Alexis’ shoulder. “Hush baby…” Alexis whispered in his lover’s ear. “It’s ok…” Tara’s dad, Caleb had once liked him and called him ‘the son he never had’. All he could do now is to run his fingers through Tara’s hair, taking in her every sob and calming her down.
“Honey, what are you doing?” Tara yelled when she found Alexis gone on his side of the bed. Alexis’ health had deteriorated to a point there was not going to be a whole lot of time left. And so he got a house out on the beach; the very same one Tara and he exchanged wedding vows. “Hey, get back to bed, doctor’s order, no, or rather Tara’s order.” Tara ordered when she found Alexis outside the balcony writing into a book. Ignoring her plea, Alexis continued writing. “What did we have for breakfast, do you remember? I wanted to say bagel but I think that was yesterday. You have two sunny side-ups, I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs.” Tara smiled at his choice of words. Alexis had gotten up from bed for the sunrise. “Alex, what are you writing this for?” Tara joined her husband by the wooden patio, overlooking the vast sea. “My journal.” “That’s new.” Alexis nodded, his non-writing hand tangled with his wife’s as the couple lay on their stomachs. “I figured, life goes by so fast, if you don’t write it down, things just get lost.” “And I wanna remember.” “Down every last bagel.” “Down to every last everything I do with you.” Alexis said as he looked into the eyes of the woman he loved so dear. Alexis barely finished his last word when he realized the sky was getting brighter. “It’s going to be light soon, honey” Alexis said, almost inaudible. The wasted man had his beloved wife tucked comfortably between his legs and they sat watching the sunrise. Tara fought her tears. She could feel Alexis slipping away as the sun crosses the horizon. “And you’re leaving.” She said, resigned. “Baby, you know I would stay as long as you want me.” Tara didn’t know if his words were meant to make her feel better. “How’s forever? Does forever work for you?” Alexis forced a smile across his pale face when he heard his wife. It has been too long since he heard his Tara throw a childish tantrum. “It has been forever, sweetie.”
"I, Tara Deidre Gellar take you, Alexis Jacob Gallagher, to be my lawful husband to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."
“I don't have anybody.” AJ yelled, at the top of his lungs. “What? Of course you do, AJ. You have me!” Tara was taken aback by his son’s sudden outburst. “No, I don't. You won't even look at me. It's so obvious you don't want me around.” “That's not true.” Tara said unconvincingly. It would have been deception to say that it has been easy and painless living with AJ, especially after Alexis died. Every time she looked at AJ, she saw his father; the messy blond hair, the same sparkle and the color of summer meadows that would reflect from his big, emerald eyes. At times, Tara found it hard to even stay in the same room. Ironically, it was the only reason why they even tried for a kid. Alexis wanted a part of him behind, to protect and love his Tara, the way he had. It sure was one hell of a risk they took.
“Yes it is. Dad ... died, and it's like you don't even care.” AJ countered harshly. Tara was shocked and tears stung her eyes. “Of course I care. How can you even think that?” “How can I not? You haven't even cried. You've just been running around like it's been some big chore or something. Cleaning up after Dad's mess.” Tara slapped AJ across the face as he yelped, putting his hand to his swollen cheek. As soon as her action sank, Tara put her hand over her mouth in horror. “AJ ... I've been ... working. I've been busy, because I have to…” “No! You've been avoiding me.” AJ confronted his mother. “I'm not! ... I have to do these things, 'cause ... 'cause when I stop, then he's really gone.” AJ frowned in confusion, trying to make sense of his mother’s words. “And I'm trying. AJ, I am, I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Your father always knew.” Truth was Alexis has always been the stronger one among them. “Nobody's asking you to be Dad.” “Well, who's gonna be if I'm not? Huh, AJ? Have you even thought about that? Who's gonna make things better?” Tara cried harder. “Who's gonna take care of us?” “Mom…” “I didn't mean to push you away, I didn't. I just, I couldn't let you see me.” AJ watched in tears as his mother collapsed on the floor. “I don't know what we're gonna do. I'm scared.”
In retrospect, Tara didn’t have the slightest idea how she lasted this long, with no means to fend for her own child and no anybody to speak of. It was then she realized it was Alexis who pulled her through. Albeit Alexis was gone, he had left with Tara memories to last the rest of her life. It took everything Alexis had in him to come clean with Tara, the painful truth he was HIV positive. It was two months before their wedding, when Alexis showed up at Tara’s doorstep, his blood test result in hand. She could tell instantly that something was wrong but she couldn’t put a finger on it. Alexis convinced Tara the test was simply a routine for his medical checkup and that she shouldn’t be fretting over it. Her world shattered as Alexis broke the news.
“You slept with some whore you don’t even know?” Tara questioned harshly her voice broke and wiping away stray tears. She refused to be the weak one and let Alexis see her cry. He could not even bring himself to look at her. “I’m sorry,” He mustered barely. “Sorry, that all you can say?” Her gaze pierced through Alexis’ soul as she slapped him across his face. “How could you?” Tara demanded. Alexis tried to take Tara into his embrace. “How could you?” She said again, fighting off and pounding hard with her fists against Alexis’ chest as she broke down. “I’m sorry…” Under normal circumstances, any sound woman would have broken up the engagement and be grateful to be able go on with life but Tara could never leave Alexis. Okay, so none of that dancing around under a crescent moon and drinking infinite amount of quality champagne and exchanging vows in a church happened but it was Alexis. She could give up that much if it meant still having him around.
“And Andrea called too, she and Brad couldn’t make it either, something about being sick to the stomach. So reception is cancelled.” Tara said, shrugging her shoulders carelessly as she wrote the last few names off their guests list. “It’s better; we’ll have the cake, champagne and all that dancing space to ourselves.” Alexis looked up at his girl. “I think we should elope right now. You always wanted to travel. It’ll be great.” Tara actually managed to look excited and got back to dialing numbers. “I’m sorry but the folks aren’t flying in for the wedding either.” Tara said, putting down the receiver. “Your parents?” Alexis frowned. “Yeah,” she said, dismissively. “Well, my dad used the word ‘abasement’. Abasement, who would have thought of that,” Tara shook her head in disgust, unimpressed, and going through the guest list, just to realize that no one is actually coming. Alexis looked sadly at Tara, studying her, and with his right thumb, caressed her cheeks gently. And no sooner, the façade melted and Tara broke under his touch, started weeping uncontrollably. “He’s my dad!!” Tara yelled, her tears soaking Alexis’ shoulder. “Hush baby…” Alexis whispered in his lover’s ear. “It’s ok…” Tara’s dad, Caleb had once liked him and called him ‘the son he never had’. All he could do now is to run his fingers through Tara’s hair, taking in her every sob and calming her down.
“Honey, what are you doing?” Tara yelled when she found Alexis gone on his side of the bed. Alexis’ health had deteriorated to a point there was not going to be a whole lot of time left. And so he got a house out on the beach; the very same one Tara and he exchanged wedding vows. “Hey, get back to bed, doctor’s order, no, or rather Tara’s order.” Tara ordered when she found Alexis outside the balcony writing into a book. Ignoring her plea, Alexis continued writing. “What did we have for breakfast, do you remember? I wanted to say bagel but I think that was yesterday. You have two sunny side-ups, I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs.” Tara smiled at his choice of words. Alexis had gotten up from bed for the sunrise. “Alex, what are you writing this for?” Tara joined her husband by the wooden patio, overlooking the vast sea. “My journal.” “That’s new.” Alexis nodded, his non-writing hand tangled with his wife’s as the couple lay on their stomachs. “I figured, life goes by so fast, if you don’t write it down, things just get lost.” “And I wanna remember.” “Down every last bagel.” “Down to every last everything I do with you.” Alexis said as he looked into the eyes of the woman he loved so dear. Alexis barely finished his last word when he realized the sky was getting brighter. “It’s going to be light soon, honey” Alexis said, almost inaudible. The wasted man had his beloved wife tucked comfortably between his legs and they sat watching the sunrise. Tara fought her tears. She could feel Alexis slipping away as the sun crosses the horizon. “And you’re leaving.” She said, resigned. “Baby, you know I would stay as long as you want me.” Tara didn’t know if his words were meant to make her feel better. “How’s forever? Does forever work for you?” Alexis forced a smile across his pale face when he heard his wife. It has been too long since he heard his Tara throw a childish tantrum. “It has been forever, sweetie.”
"I, Tara Deidre Gellar take you, Alexis Jacob Gallagher, to be my lawful husband to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."
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