denn ich werde immer finden Sie

Do you remember why and how you started writing? That of course, I'm being presumptuous thinking that just because you read, it automatically makes you a writer. Feel free to correct me.

I remembered the very first time I started writing fictions, I was 17 and I imagined myself then to be absolutely angry and hysterical and off-kilter for the most parts. I guess I was looking for a reason to carry on. I was stubborn then but I also remembered how terrified I was. I wanted to change the world, well, my world anyway, the little sometimes insignificant bubble I live in. I'm not sure if I did that but I don't think I've ever really given up on writing completely. I may have my share of what I call 'a blank period' where spelling my name is as far as I wanna go in writing. I still have those periods. A hiatus or perhaps an opportunity for me to fill up the empty spaces in my brain so I could start writing again.

Writing to me, was a manner of self-reflecting and rediscovery and reliving certain parts of my life. I wanted to relive the past. So much so that I'm suffering from some kind of amnesia. My memories are shattered, segmented in illogical snippets. I could no longer make sense of my life. I imagine 20-odd years of my life have been so repressed that looking at it now, it just looks to me like scattered petals on a body of ocean. Just floating and going whichever direction the tide ushers them in.

Through writing, whether they are real or fiction, I am revisiting the things I've done and talked about, the foods I've ate, the room, the bed, the person I've slept in and with, the road I've taken to go to school and return from...everything that I have lived and forgotten. I am reinventing these memories.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm making things up. Maybe it's not real. Maybe I wanted it to be real. Maybe it was just an ordinary day but I painted it red. Maybe she wasn't dead.

Acute sensual experiences that form memories are some of the strongest triggers for the greatest literary works. Turns out, creativity and imagination really do not have limitations, except for the lack of a writing instrument just when something hits you. I believe in that. I believe that most writers, if not all, started their first word or sentence with circumstances they have personally lived through or wanted to live through. Fictions are sort of a mirror that apart from reflecting uncomfortable truths, it throws in a pinch of imagination and spin that made you wonder if the things you have written from experiences and life can be further manipulated.

Perhaps all fictions began as an autobiography and muddled with resistance and hopes and expectations. The people you have met in your life, ever so opinionated whether they are conscious of it or not, are like road signs. They tell you where to go and it's up to you to rationalise it. I've met a handful and while sometimes I wish they would just simply shut their mouths, they actually become the reason why I rebel against myself. Although, how that turns out is up to you.

When I write, I prolong a certain part of my life, one that is usually acutely missing. It helps me deal with everyday stuff without feeling that I would fail. Right now, all I remembered are the times I've spent with Tara. It may sound absurd but it's true. Unconsciously, I may have blocked out the rest of everything and as far as I am concerned, I had no problem with that. I shall continue to live life as it is. I may of course also be wrong for perpetuating what seems to be an unhealthy obsession. But I can't care now. I am fine.

In my fictions, Tara never had to die and even if she had, I'll bring her back. I am God, I am Fate, I am that turn around the corner where the switch of your life flicks and changes forever. Most importantly, I am Faith. Who knows, maybe one of these rain-drenched days, I'll see her turn a corner on the streets and find myself drawn to her once again.

I am who I want to be because I can be. I have never quite live life on anyone's terms. Don't think I'm gonna start anytime soon. However, I am rethinking about this project I've been toying with for the longest time. I will reintroduce the characters, based them on believable human natures that will resonate with people who read about them. I will reinvent circumstances and decorations, the turns around the corners, so to speak. I will completely abandon myself and find myself again in the lives of my characters and story.

I will die and be reborn.

denn ich werde immer finden Sie.

I think I've said this before.

I think I'm walking on a familiar route back home.
I said it once then, and I'll say it again.

When you need to fall completely apart, I am where you break, I am where you land
like raindrops on pavements, like an intoxicated outburst
I wanna see you crumble and break down
I wanna see you tore apart
I wanna hear you cry for real
Stop putting up a front, a struggle
It's useless in this light, this time of day.

If I may again, repeat what I've said before, I wouldn't mind
I would love to be drenched in your contradictions
But I can't anymore.
I needed an answer, an answer for your foolishness, selfishness and arrogance.

I will keep my piece, as you would yours.
I will not say a word because I know I wouldn't have to.

Looking at you, I am convulsed with disgust
Looking past you, I realised that I'm still me, and you, you.
And I have no rights.

I can't just be your friend.
I am more than that. Hell, I deserve more than that.
But I'm past that.

Yes, over the years, I may have said this before.