My folks have the perfect timing. It's Christmas today and though I make no attempt to celebrate, it doesn't necessarily mean I wanna be caught in a yelling fest, starring my mom and dad.

It happens whenever someone puts mom and dad in the same room. It happens whether or not there is validity. And they sure do not take anyone's feelings into consideration. And so this may be the very type of family I grow up in.

It started in my early teens, my first few years in high school and now that I've grown to become more or less, a semi-functioning young adult, the arguements only seem to intensify. I don't wanna grow up to be my parents. I need to grow up capable of love and express what I feel without having to yell anyone's head off. I need to be able to remain composed and clear-headed and become more self-aware.

For the larger part of my life, I grew up with an impression etched into my brain that I am not a good daughter. I am always breaking my parents' hearts. And I've done so much of that I can't even begin to look into their eyes and speak to them without feeling like I'm guilty of a heinous crime. I tried to convince them that I am their daughter, that I did not grow up wrong or have made mistakes that I will come to regret. But we just kept pushing each other apart. We can't see eye to eye on anything. She resents the fact that I am the way I am now. And I resent the fact that she's the way she is now. I resent I am a part of her. And my dad. I wish I was never born.

I think he's having an affair and it's the last thing I would wanna think about or feel hurt or really generally react to. I do not care enough to care and I have just detached myself from this particular fucked up family sitcom, sitting at the edge, swinging my feet and watching my very existence crumble. Have I become unfeeling and cold? I am reluctant. And I am ready to run away.

I know I still had it good. At least they weren't violent or abusive but I can't live with them anymore. I wish it would just stop. I wish they would put a little more faith in me, trust me a little, knowing I could brave the storms and still come out of it slightly weathered, more learnt but still sensible and quirky.

I might have the rebellious streak of a werewolf off the lease but I think I'm more of a vampire-type person. I feel like for the longest time, I am walking through life on a path shrouded with mist. I'm always trying to figure out the next step and avoid a certain predicament. I tiptoed percariously at the corner of my life because I am just so scared to be a part of it all. I am thoroughly afraid of losing, of bonding and believing. I just do not see the light of it all. I am pissed. I am just pissed.

I want the world to stop asking for favors. I want my mother to shut the fuck up. And I need to die for a little bit so I could be put aside. I have to lose it all before I gain it back. I can never satisfy my mother, my maker.