hey, it's your birthday, right?

Yesterday, it's a get-yourself-really-drunk-and-delirious day. Well, for me anyway. It was crazy, the amount I drank. I didn't even know I could do that. I didn't even know where the line's at. Drank for 6 hours straight, just babbling, taking in oxygen, breathing it out. Thinking about the past and fretting about an assignment due the next day. It's amazing.

I've not been holding up at all. If I did, it was a false front. I'm so tired, so uninspired. Nothing in me flows. Nobody's singing and dancing in joy.

I was happy, I was sad. I was nervous and I was so glad.

Birthdays, who cares about birthdays?

Grades, projects, tutorials and classes, that's what topped my list. And I'm not even like, doing anything about it. A zombie, part of the walking dead. Blue, and torn. Red and burning.

Vacant.

Open Addiction

The open addiction I don’t wanna fix
So many things to keep me breathing
So much more to keep me wanting
But this is the last place I wanna find myself in
No more giving up, no more white towels thrown in

The open addiction I can’t quit
The painful hook swinging in my face
And I ran, if I could but don’t wanna
Where will I turn to?
Where will I rest my body in?
Will I fly?

Her face is fading, so is my identity
She, my open addiction
Tattoos, my salvation
Hollow, when I am finally filled

Fuck the world, they say
But I don’t wanna
I’m keeping it right here
I am not a traitor
I am only a girl
Only baffled
Laid broken each night
Quiet, tears, quiet, blood

The open addiction I carry around like pretty jewellery
Promise one fine day to redeem me.

I wanna put my heart on the table here, to show the world what it's made of, and its various manifestations.

Go...do, satisfy.

I'm on the other side of where our lives used to be And I can feel alright about whatever's good for me Baby I want to go backYou were supposed to come with me All I ever wanted was to be with you YeahSupposed to come with me Anything I've started now we'll never do

612星球

满园玫瑰我以为找到我那一朵
认真爱了却狠狠刺伤我的双手
责备什麼人也没有用
玫瑰都红 难免看错

望著天空爱是否活在童话裏头
小王子说有些事流浪过才会懂
原来每颗心都有个洞
找不到真爱 会一直寂寞 Oh
我但愿有一个人在等我 在属於我的612星球
好让我忍著痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱著我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

擦乾眼泪一个人漂流在这宇宙
小王子说爱一定开在某个角落
路上相爱的人那麼多 我会幸福吗 在什麼时候 Oh

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属於我的612星球
好让我忍著痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦

一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱著我的所有
相遇前我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快 请你等等我

©S. H. E., 我的电台 FM S.H.E (未来电台版) ~ Track 11, 612星球 ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quT1IIhSmpU

I'll Always Find You

Everyone lies, and willingly everyone believes in those lies. How far would a lie take you? How much would a lie heal and/or hurt? And just how much would a lie cost you? You believe in fairy tales and faith in God and beautiful things, just so they could fade away. You believe because, you do and why not, right? These things get you by each day, remind you to breath and to sleep and smile and talk nicely. Even when it's dark and you're alone, you are no longer in fear. For she'll always find you.

Sometimes when I'm just walking on the streets and I stop to take a bearing, I watched these people and their life stories unfold. You know, like what's it like? To be them, to be doing what they are doing, going where they are heading, and losing what they had. And what is it like, to know them?

Oh Lover...

Oh lover,
Would you keep longin'?
For me to come home
'Cause this road I'm on...
For good, I'm lost.

Oh lover,
Would you say no?
Turn your head and walk on
Never to look me in the eye
Deepen the blow
'Cause I can't fight no more
Happiness' wages such a wicked war
Drive me home, why don't you?

Take me home
Hang me up against your wall, our headboard
Do you remember what we have done and talked about?
The dark streets, the filling of bloody holes
Have you always looked this peaceful?
Lying in our bed, in between these sheets...

I am looking in, from outside these windows
Looking in as I have once promised in my sleep
Are those tears flowing?
How dare they stain your pale cheeks!
Would you have blamed me?
If you know I left before sunlight creeps in,
Would you have made a sound?

Please don't tell me what I should otherwise think!
The day's not here to please
Oh God, I'm so sorry
Please just smile, my darling
I am not here to save you,
Someone else, someday will do
I am only here to love you

Trace my name softly on my grave, why don't you?
On that cool morning...

What Wishfulness...

I wish that first night with e n n a e J never ended..I wish I know where things went wrong and fix it right. It was something I said, I swear or something she misunderstood but kept it. Way to go with the fucking up, Ashleige Tara. You aren't even breaking a sweat now.

I'm drawing blood and cutting skin through a sharp mould to be who she wanted me to be. What she assumed she sees...I can't blame her, I'm sure for I wanted to be that same thing. In her eyes, she shall see light and only light. And it's high time I hide, to go back into the bloody darkness, where I revel. But there is nothing I could do to take me back to before, before I met her. Before I feel her. Before my desires and yearns...

I see her running away from me now, putting greater distance between us as she moves. Like in my dream, she's moving away, faster now, the blurry water color painting in my poor head is never taking shape. I would never break this cycle. I would never learn. I hope she hears this. Manifestations of my confusion, and my helplessness and my careful tip toeing around her. Careful now, don't break me. I am fragile from all the death and coming back and cold cruel honesty. Don't know if I can deal now.

A brush and a tiny stirring in my soul has resulted in all these words. Why am I still here?

Reasons, practicality and deliberate ignorance, these defences will soon cease effective protection. She will have nowhere to run but back to her 'contentment'. Disappointments...would leave a bloody trail, leading straight from my heart but that trail too, shall end in time. And all will be done. No pain, only silence.