some guy told my friend on a train ride that life is like a pencil.
(12:51 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
we can do a lot of things when someone would hold our hands and guide us
(12:51 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
life is a collection of memories, remembered and forgotten, hence the eraser at the end
(12:51 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
and once in a while, when we get down or blunt or a little too conceited, we get a rude awakening and painful sharpening
(12:52 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
and the more we learn and grow, the shorter our lives are left with, the pencil get shorter and shorter
(12:52 AM) ASHLEIGE TARA -:
but if we were to do just one good thing, something that made an impact on a person's life, we will still be remembered even if the pencil's gone
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Looking For Me
A kid who has replaced cartoons for bloody veageances and flayings
A kid who sees only red and felt shards of clear white glass cut into her feets
A kid who has abandoned sleep and teddy bears for nightmares and tattoos
A kid who writes in her head poetic suicide notes but never really quite fulfill them
A kid who never calculate her losses for she never knew what she had and lost.
A kid who knew all the words to a wordless lullaby sung to her each night
A kid who gladly leaves her blood kins for a colder and harder world knowing she will only come home to regrets...and solitude
I am looking for me, at least who I used to be. Please tell me if you have seen her. I think I've lost her along the highway of Growing Up. It's one tough treacherous ride, they say. I think I buy it now. Sometimes, I wish I could walk backwards, then maybe I'll find her, and I'll keep her close this time. I promise. I promise I would see light again and bear no selfish desires beyond the next birthday.
A broken heart, indeed, all tangible. Am I lying, to say I have forgotten when actually none of that has happened? I knew her name, right from the start. The color of her eyes even when she sleeps. Every word of that song she sings. She's incredibly funny and a real piece of work. One who knew no boundaries, to love, to life, to everything. And one who taught me. Why, I ask, one day, why did you leave? So you would grow, she said. I didn't, I'm really didn't. I am still that same gal you left in the rain that night on that road. I am still 16. I am still incredibly stupid and useless and childish. I am still yours. But you are not mine anymore. You are of this Earth and her soil and greens and flowers. And I should have let you go, a long time before this...all this.
You must hate me now, for I've failed you. And now, my mother. I see the disappointments in her eyes. Will she ever look at me the way she sees my brother and other strangers? You told me she would, one day, just one good day. She will learn me and see me, that I should have patience. I worry the day she might leave me. I worry about the kind of things I might do to myself and others. Will I go insane? I don't think I have enough parts of myself to die along with her. I'm already pretty much invisible.
I love my mother and I will give her the world, if only she ask and listen. I will easily give up my life just for her. Will she understand? Doesn't she want me to be happy? Right now, I'm not. I don't know how.
A kid who sees only red and felt shards of clear white glass cut into her feets
A kid who has abandoned sleep and teddy bears for nightmares and tattoos
A kid who writes in her head poetic suicide notes but never really quite fulfill them
A kid who never calculate her losses for she never knew what she had and lost.
A kid who knew all the words to a wordless lullaby sung to her each night
A kid who gladly leaves her blood kins for a colder and harder world knowing she will only come home to regrets...and solitude
I am looking for me, at least who I used to be. Please tell me if you have seen her. I think I've lost her along the highway of Growing Up. It's one tough treacherous ride, they say. I think I buy it now. Sometimes, I wish I could walk backwards, then maybe I'll find her, and I'll keep her close this time. I promise. I promise I would see light again and bear no selfish desires beyond the next birthday.
A broken heart, indeed, all tangible. Am I lying, to say I have forgotten when actually none of that has happened? I knew her name, right from the start. The color of her eyes even when she sleeps. Every word of that song she sings. She's incredibly funny and a real piece of work. One who knew no boundaries, to love, to life, to everything. And one who taught me. Why, I ask, one day, why did you leave? So you would grow, she said. I didn't, I'm really didn't. I am still that same gal you left in the rain that night on that road. I am still 16. I am still incredibly stupid and useless and childish. I am still yours. But you are not mine anymore. You are of this Earth and her soil and greens and flowers. And I should have let you go, a long time before this...all this.
You must hate me now, for I've failed you. And now, my mother. I see the disappointments in her eyes. Will she ever look at me the way she sees my brother and other strangers? You told me she would, one day, just one good day. She will learn me and see me, that I should have patience. I worry the day she might leave me. I worry about the kind of things I might do to myself and others. Will I go insane? I don't think I have enough parts of myself to die along with her. I'm already pretty much invisible.
I love my mother and I will give her the world, if only she ask and listen. I will easily give up my life just for her. Will she understand? Doesn't she want me to be happy? Right now, I'm not. I don't know how.
Monday, August 18, 2008
"i'm sorry, mdm but her heart has stop
breathing cut short
please don't cry...there was nothing you could have done."
i beg my anger be no more and my love spread like fire
i can't read
i can't speak
i can't think
i can't explain just what the fuck is going on with me, inside of me, this useless unproductive body
and i want everyone to shut the fuck up and leave me alone
just me, and my music in my player
i need a pen and a book, to write, to remember
i have a disease tormenting me
i hope it wins and i'll go out without a sound, a note
perhaps dying and lying in a elaborately fucked up coffin isn't that bad
at least i get to choose the color and music and the kind of people i wanted there
would anyone mourn for my passing?
i doubt it
but it'd be a party!
everyone's invited as long as you bring money
just let go, won't you?
let me rest my weary head and close my eyes?
and stop punishing me, please
i just wanna at least love for the last time
to do one good thing, so maybe, just maybe, i'll come to you in your dreams and you will speak my name
to look into some girl's beautiful eyes and tell her how i feel about life, about her, how i could delight her for the rest of her life if she would only believe
no, day wouldn't come
i've lost that right
"You Are Beneath Me", they would say as they turned their backs, walking away
what flows in abundance through me is negativity, that you can get nowhere else
it is so hard to say no to
what i offer in hand is your worst day, a parade of tears and goodbyes
and still, i couldn't see what's wrong with me
though life and her little people disagree
beg to differ, coming up with their own theories
to judge and label me and lastly,
putting me in my place, the coffin
and i'll be happy
you see, ignorance, i don't believe in a life after death or God
we are bits made out from recycled matters floating around aimlessly in space
there is no man who should judge me and burn me
there is no conscience i would answer for but my own and even that would pass when i die
and it would be my heart
that i'll follow without hesitations or doubts
then i should die if it say so...
breathing cut short
please don't cry...there was nothing you could have done."
i beg my anger be no more and my love spread like fire
i can't read
i can't speak
i can't think
i can't explain just what the fuck is going on with me, inside of me, this useless unproductive body
and i want everyone to shut the fuck up and leave me alone
just me, and my music in my player
i need a pen and a book, to write, to remember
i have a disease tormenting me
i hope it wins and i'll go out without a sound, a note
perhaps dying and lying in a elaborately fucked up coffin isn't that bad
at least i get to choose the color and music and the kind of people i wanted there
would anyone mourn for my passing?
i doubt it
but it'd be a party!
everyone's invited as long as you bring money
just let go, won't you?
let me rest my weary head and close my eyes?
and stop punishing me, please
i just wanna at least love for the last time
to do one good thing, so maybe, just maybe, i'll come to you in your dreams and you will speak my name
to look into some girl's beautiful eyes and tell her how i feel about life, about her, how i could delight her for the rest of her life if she would only believe
no, day wouldn't come
i've lost that right
"You Are Beneath Me", they would say as they turned their backs, walking away
what flows in abundance through me is negativity, that you can get nowhere else
it is so hard to say no to
what i offer in hand is your worst day, a parade of tears and goodbyes
and still, i couldn't see what's wrong with me
though life and her little people disagree
beg to differ, coming up with their own theories
to judge and label me and lastly,
putting me in my place, the coffin
and i'll be happy
you see, ignorance, i don't believe in a life after death or God
we are bits made out from recycled matters floating around aimlessly in space
there is no man who should judge me and burn me
there is no conscience i would answer for but my own and even that would pass when i die
and it would be my heart
that i'll follow without hesitations or doubts
then i should die if it say so...
Monday, August 11, 2008
fatigue lures and tempts with a lullaby
yet she would never look me in the eye
am i not good enough?am i not right?
or is she the one bearing the sin?she's evasive now, turning her head and gaze away
don't walk away, pleasedon't leave, i beg
i have tears in my bloodshot eyes nowlooking at her walk away with such resolution
am i damaged beyond repair?am i not following?
or am i simply plain stupid?i must be.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
i'm pissed, very much at myselfi want things i can't have and i want these things because i wanted them they probably wouldn't carry any significance further than thati think i'm wrongand i'm reckless in making choicesi wanna do what's rightwhat's in the scheduleto type, to make things right this is no goodwhat this mortality is doing to me, my bodyhow all this would end in pain and fireeveryone is talking at me nowin my ears, in my head, screaming they are echoing their miseryand wish i could save them i just wanna resti just wanna to not speak a word and lay in beduntil the sun sets, until next sunrisemy passions are heftycaused me pain, and money caused me to be distant, from even my own blood familywill they understand, why i'm doing this?will they remember me, the true me?is this how it will end?with my death?with denial and more deceit? will my blood cleanses and bring happiness?i've got work to do now souls to savebroken to fixpeople to lovereturn wings to those who has fallenso hardso hard on themselves..i watched, i wept and i carried on on that little walk into the darkwhere i will feel homewhy can't i just be happy about stuffi'm real lucky, you knownot trapped by some mechanical or physical boundariesnot abused by my folks who drink and gamble and fucki'm not walking on glass shards everyday like some of them doit should be nicebut people worrythey are built that way and so i worry too choices i made, words i've used and saidill intentions and motives i may harbori've failed them all with truthwith my perceptioni think it's the one thing i've scoredflying colors, they sayand stickers and fake golden starsi am not aligned with myself with second thoughts i am not believing one word i say it's like a dream, and i'm watching with my weary eyesand no one, no one would ask why the light goneall tapped outflowers and greens writhed awaythe train wouldn't stopjust carrying on on its wilful waysi am leaving nowwith fatigueshe says she's taking me to some new placesshe says i'll enjoy myself tremedouslybecause she's with me, you know?always with me.we are forever.
yes, we were supposed to be foreverbut i forgot all about herthe way she sounded, and touched and lovedi am deeply ashamedbut tears, i can no longer shed in her namei will place blamei will kill a man and end this cruel gameto stop the rain to stop myself from hurting again i found some stuff of hers the other daysomething warm to wear on a cold bitter daysomething poetic to read and seek solace from on a real fucked up daythey were things of hersthings that would everyday remind me of herabsencethe living part of me has leftfollowed her out that doorwith devotion, a loyal partner sitting here on the floormy hands grasped for something invisibleit's called 'stability'and sometimes 'courage'i could almost hear her voice nowtelling me to be strong, like the amazonher blue eyes would shine with pride...
yes, we were supposed to be foreverbut i forgot all about herthe way she sounded, and touched and lovedi am deeply ashamedbut tears, i can no longer shed in her namei will place blamei will kill a man and end this cruel gameto stop the rain to stop myself from hurting again i found some stuff of hers the other daysomething warm to wear on a cold bitter daysomething poetic to read and seek solace from on a real fucked up daythey were things of hersthings that would everyday remind me of herabsencethe living part of me has leftfollowed her out that doorwith devotion, a loyal partner sitting here on the floormy hands grasped for something invisibleit's called 'stability'and sometimes 'courage'i could almost hear her voice nowtelling me to be strong, like the amazonher blue eyes would shine with pride...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
J July 28 2008
J was her name
That's all I needed and what a gorgeous name
There are things I've yet to understand
There are things I'll learn to grasp
Who is she really?
A rose in the rain?
A word in my lullaby
Or is she the woman in my dream, a blurry watercolor painting?
I don't know yet
Wouldn't have the answer until later
For now, I'll sit still
And watch her...
I hear her now, in the dark
Her voice, her sincerity
If it wasn't for her
I don't know how I've gotten so far today
Life is a flame burnt anew
Life is a path with fresh budding flowers along its edges
And life is about embarking on a self-discovery journey
With you, my guide, my light
You, my mentor and latest find
I saw clean lines
And I saw my footprints, hesitating to move forward because I know i'll die
I'm terrified, yet all along willingly on this ride
Where is she going to take me?
Where am I taking her?
What have I been doing?
What shouldn't I have done and said?
She's one hell of a tricky mystery
I'm not ready to unravel
But I am not a fking idiot either
I am just an ordinary girl who knows nothing outside of her world
I am only someone with words and with them, paint an universe
Have I hurt her?
Have I used words I shouldn't?
Have I gone so bizarrely out of my mind when I think about her?
I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable
I saw the color of your eyes today
And I heard your laughter with my own ears
It was music, it was real
You are indeed as practical as you said you were, all mapped out.
While all I had are words
And words and languages are cold
I've been hurt before, everyone has been before
But this is all I have and can give
I taste your comfort in my mouth now
You taught me well
It sets my heart on a rhythmic rhythm even at 170
You are ever swiftly moving, evasive about most everything
I can't get close, you know but I wouldn't push
You needed faith so it will all come at its own time
Maybe that first night would return to fill my heart with joy
Maybe I'll have the pleasure again to listen to your voice
Maybe
Maybe it's already forever lost.
Your words bounded me
lead me to believe
and compel me to forget everything we have shared.
Is this fair? I don't ask
Do I want more? Sure I do.
Will you give me it? I seriously doubt so.
The third day. That's all it takes.
I now watched with easy gratitude, flowers blooming.
Such fragile comfort...
The rain might come at times, and erosions too
But I suppose the will to wanna make things work prevailed and brought life
Mundane.
That's all I needed and what a gorgeous name
There are things I've yet to understand
There are things I'll learn to grasp
Who is she really?
A rose in the rain?
A word in my lullaby
Or is she the woman in my dream, a blurry watercolor painting?
I don't know yet
Wouldn't have the answer until later
For now, I'll sit still
And watch her...
I hear her now, in the dark
Her voice, her sincerity
If it wasn't for her
I don't know how I've gotten so far today
Life is a flame burnt anew
Life is a path with fresh budding flowers along its edges
And life is about embarking on a self-discovery journey
With you, my guide, my light
You, my mentor and latest find
I saw clean lines
And I saw my footprints, hesitating to move forward because I know i'll die
I'm terrified, yet all along willingly on this ride
Where is she going to take me?
Where am I taking her?
What have I been doing?
What shouldn't I have done and said?
She's one hell of a tricky mystery
I'm not ready to unravel
But I am not a fking idiot either
I am just an ordinary girl who knows nothing outside of her world
I am only someone with words and with them, paint an universe
Have I hurt her?
Have I used words I shouldn't?
Have I gone so bizarrely out of my mind when I think about her?
I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable
I saw the color of your eyes today
And I heard your laughter with my own ears
It was music, it was real
You are indeed as practical as you said you were, all mapped out.
While all I had are words
And words and languages are cold
I've been hurt before, everyone has been before
But this is all I have and can give
I taste your comfort in my mouth now
You taught me well
It sets my heart on a rhythmic rhythm even at 170
You are ever swiftly moving, evasive about most everything
I can't get close, you know but I wouldn't push
You needed faith so it will all come at its own time
Maybe that first night would return to fill my heart with joy
Maybe I'll have the pleasure again to listen to your voice
Maybe
Maybe it's already forever lost.
Your words bounded me
lead me to believe
and compel me to forget everything we have shared.
Is this fair? I don't ask
Do I want more? Sure I do.
Will you give me it? I seriously doubt so.
The third day. That's all it takes.
I now watched with easy gratitude, flowers blooming.
Such fragile comfort...
The rain might come at times, and erosions too
But I suppose the will to wanna make things work prevailed and brought life
Mundane.
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Lake House
OK, I've just wrapped up watching The Lake House, starring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock last night. It gave me that familiar feeling that I would only get when I'm reading letters Tara used to write to me when she was alive. That feeling prompted me in anticipation to finish watching the DVD. It was the end of another crazy week at work and I'm barely recovering from my various flu and cough and whatnots bugs and I would love to get some rest. But I bought the DVD some time ago and I decided to do it justice by playing it. I've always been a Sandra Bullock fan and I knew that whatever projects she decided to embark on, it can't be too bad and The Lake House proved that point rather poignantly, I would say.
For gentle readers of my blog who have yet catch the film, I'm telling you you should. And beware for possible spoilers. 2 persons, existing in different time frames altogether exchanged correspondences through a mailbox. They realized they were living in the same house a.k.a the Lake House and rearing the exact same dog named Jack or Jac, I wouldn't know. Anyway, they tried desperately to meet up but a fatal car accident prevented that meeting. Alex, played by Keanu was dead before he could meet Kate, Sandra's character. Just one wrong reckless move, and the 2 of them would have been separated forever. The mind-boggling time travel thing aside, it's about 2 people finding themselves in themselves and then falling in love with each other and realizing just how significant they could be to each other and to everyone else.
I didn't think I would like the film so much. It could be because it's the very first time I was watchin' it and I had no clue to knowing how it would develop and its twists and ending. So it's all fresh and my heart ready to be taken for a spectacular and romantic ride. I was so terrified that Alex would die and they would never be reunited. I was in pain when I watched as Kate tried her hardest to save his life. And I think the tones of their voices have got a lot to do with it. How soft their voices were...
Tara used to write letters for me. I think she did that while I was asleep. She would later place the letters in a bundle and put them in a box. I also found a jacket. It wasn't really the most necessary piece of clothing in a tropical island like Singapore but I kept it anyway in my closet. There will come a day when I know I'll need it. Needless to say, the car accident in the film reminded me of her. In the film, Kate couldn't save that man's life and she was really affected by it. She thought about the life of that man, the people who were waiting for him to come home and how they would never know...and yes, I thought about that too. I never got over that accident. I never got over how incredibly stupid I must have been to let it happened. Maybe that's why I ain't in such a hurry to get a driver's license. A door would close and another one would open. At least that's what everyone says. I don't know if I believe it.
I'm graduating soon. I don't have a sustantial job offer yet. I'm thinking of applying for a job in Adelaide. It would be very scary. I would be on my own. I would have to be an adult. And I have to be strong. Right now, all I've got are words and plans. Nothing concrete yet. And if I've decided to go for it, I would need money so I suppose I would still be working in Singapore for a while more before embarking on my journey. We will see what happens and where I will go.
For gentle readers of my blog who have yet catch the film, I'm telling you you should. And beware for possible spoilers. 2 persons, existing in different time frames altogether exchanged correspondences through a mailbox. They realized they were living in the same house a.k.a the Lake House and rearing the exact same dog named Jack or Jac, I wouldn't know. Anyway, they tried desperately to meet up but a fatal car accident prevented that meeting. Alex, played by Keanu was dead before he could meet Kate, Sandra's character. Just one wrong reckless move, and the 2 of them would have been separated forever. The mind-boggling time travel thing aside, it's about 2 people finding themselves in themselves and then falling in love with each other and realizing just how significant they could be to each other and to everyone else.
I didn't think I would like the film so much. It could be because it's the very first time I was watchin' it and I had no clue to knowing how it would develop and its twists and ending. So it's all fresh and my heart ready to be taken for a spectacular and romantic ride. I was so terrified that Alex would die and they would never be reunited. I was in pain when I watched as Kate tried her hardest to save his life. And I think the tones of their voices have got a lot to do with it. How soft their voices were...
Tara used to write letters for me. I think she did that while I was asleep. She would later place the letters in a bundle and put them in a box. I also found a jacket. It wasn't really the most necessary piece of clothing in a tropical island like Singapore but I kept it anyway in my closet. There will come a day when I know I'll need it. Needless to say, the car accident in the film reminded me of her. In the film, Kate couldn't save that man's life and she was really affected by it. She thought about the life of that man, the people who were waiting for him to come home and how they would never know...and yes, I thought about that too. I never got over that accident. I never got over how incredibly stupid I must have been to let it happened. Maybe that's why I ain't in such a hurry to get a driver's license. A door would close and another one would open. At least that's what everyone says. I don't know if I believe it.
I'm graduating soon. I don't have a sustantial job offer yet. I'm thinking of applying for a job in Adelaide. It would be very scary. I would be on my own. I would have to be an adult. And I have to be strong. Right now, all I've got are words and plans. Nothing concrete yet. And if I've decided to go for it, I would need money so I suppose I would still be working in Singapore for a while more before embarking on my journey. We will see what happens and where I will go.
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