Christina Perri's A Thousand Years

"I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more"

Happy Valentine's Day, my love

Dear sweetheart, dear love, dear soulmate and best friend, dear partner and my dearest Shufen.

There are so many names I could use but nothing comes close to describing what you truly mean to me but I will try.

From the very first moment I laid my eyes on you, I wanted you. I was in awe. I was dumbfounded. I was clueless. I was a coward. I became distracted and detached from reality. For a spilt second, you have taken my world apart and put it back together. From that moment on, all my eyes could see is you. All I could breathe is the peculiar scent you carry. All I could feel and touch and taste is you. All I could think about is you. You bring colors into my world, fill my ears with music and laughter, and compel me to dream up vivid imageries of what life with you can be. Tell me, are you a blurry water paint that's just gonna be washed away when the rain comes again? Or are you the perfect portrait, constructed from acrylic and oil, and will stay to spend the next 60 years with me because that's how long an acrylic painting takes to completely dry?

They say that silence is the loudest at night. It envelops me, it compels me. It's when my wildest fantasies come true, it's why I love, why I yearn for you to be in my arms and why I don't think I can fall asleep without having you lie next to me. I want to make you laugh, anything at all, to keep that smile shining on your face and your laughter in my ears. I wanna share a downpour with you, a thunderstorm in the middle of a weekday. I wanna spend the brightest of Sunday mornings, gloomy afternoons and rainy evenings with you in bed, doing absolutely nothing productive cause that's what Sundays are invented for. I wanna look up at a darkened sky and have you tell me the difference between planets and stars that have died a long time ago. I want you to hold my hand in yours, look into my eyes and smile a crooked grin. I wanna listen to you whisper "I love you" under the most unexpected circumstance and fill my heart to brim. I wanna come home to you after a long day so we could share a hot shower and supper on the kitchen counter. I wanna go to bed with you every night with my hand in yours. I'll gladly give up my end of the bed for you. I wanna wake up every morning to your kisses and grins and have you whisper "good morning, my love." and you can tell me how much you love me, the places we have been in your dreams and the crazy things we have done, like making sweet love along my kitchen aisle as the world watches. I will share with you my dreams but then again, you would already know who's in it.

You.

Still, I constantly miss and crave for you.

I don't believe it's possible to get over you or get too much of you. Forever is no longer just a state of mind. Not when every kiss is a first kiss. Not when we are drawn and folded into each other, and it felt like it's the first time we have ever experienced intimacy. I had wanted to die and I might have been dead for a long time. I might have forgotten the virtues of being alive but secretly I have been mending my heart and soul. I have been preparing myself for the light at the end of the tunnel. I was learning to love myself for you, just so I could love you, like you deserve to be loved. At 25, I may be a child but a child's love and affection is love and humanity at its purest.

So let me keep you close to my heart. Stay with me. Laugh and cry alongside me. Let me hold your hand as we walk along the streets. Let us share a kiss whenever our faces come too close. Rest your head on my chest and listen to my heart race. See the world with me.

Just breathe.

Just be.

Let me love; teach me, teach me how to love you.

Because I love you.

Because I truly do.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

Perhaps next time I will be braver I will be my own savior.

Liebe S,

Ich weiß nicht, warum ich dies schreibe, aber ich kann nicht schlafen. Vielleicht war ich versucht, mich und nichts geht schriftlich für mich zu erlösen. Zumindest ist es das, was ich hoffe.

Heute, oder besser gesagt, gestern war der 1. Tag des chinesischen Neujahrs. Ich habe mir nicht vorstellen, es auszugeben irgendeine andere Weise, aber mit Ihnen. Für alle Feste das wir übersehen haben, waren wir machen das wieder wett. Ich liebe die Fotos, die Sie gesendet, ich liebe unsere Gespräche, zufällig und spontan, witzig und intim. Mit jedem Satz, jedem Ausrufezeichen und Smiley-Gesicht, ich lerne Bits und Stücke über Sie, über die Personen, die Sie lieben und respektieren und halten am Herzen. Ich habe kein Recht, solche eine perfekte Nacht Wrack, aber ich tat. Und ich bin furchtbar leid. Sie hatte keine Ahnung.

Mein Herz brach, als ich dich angerufen habe (und natürlich auch, da ich nicht nennen, dass jemand, mein Herz war schon racing), und ich hörte deine Stimme und du warst so kalt. Ich fühlte mich, als ob mein Herz war durch eine tausendmal durch Scherben von Eis und Glas durchbohrt. Ich wusste nicht, was ich sagen soll, die typisch für mich und wir aufgehängt. Und ich weinte wie ein kleines Mädchen. So viel zum so dass Sie gehen, wenn es Zeit und alles, was zu reden. Wenn Sie zu lesen dies geschehen, zu verstehen, dass ich nicht versuchen, Sympathie Punkte oder so etwas zu gewinnen. Ich brauchte nur zu reden, gehen zu lassen.

Du denkst immer, dass ich blind und deshalb getrübt, aber ich habe nicht gefühlt mehr nüchtern und bewusst über meine Möglichkeiten als ich jetzt habe. Und ich bin sicher wie die Hölle erinnert sich nicht an das letzte Mal, dass ich für jeden, rief zweimal. Du denkst, es ist, weil ich mich verschlossen haben sich für 10 Jahre und jetzt, dass ich mein Herz, egal, wer die Person ist eröffnet, würde ich natürlich überfordert fühlen. Nun, ich bitte um unterscheiden.Ich habe nicht nur beschlossen, mein Herz vor 3 Wochen offen, und ich sicher wie die Hölle, würde nicht nur wir alle in. Wenn ich es tat, würde ich wahrscheinlich nicht noch Single. Ich würde wahrscheinlich in einen Scheiß-Reihe von schlechten Beziehungen stecken. Ich wollte nicht wählen, um in dich verlieben, aber mein Herz hat. Ich tat. Jetzt kann ich nicht aufhören an dich zu denken. Ich kann nicht aufhören wollen Sie, dich zu berühren, zu fühlen, dich nah bei mir. Ich weiß, ich bin auf geborgte Zeit leben. Ich weiß, dass ich gehen zu lassen haben. Ich weiß, dass du liebst mich nicht und wird es nie. Wir sind kein Liebespaar oder Freundinnen, aber wir sind Seelenverwandte und dass mir mehr bedeutet als alles, was in dieser Welt.

Sie fragte, warum ich Angst hatte, und ich konnte nie kommen mit einer befriedigenden Antwort. Ich vermute, es war mein Überlebensinstinkt kicking in. Vielleicht 0,001% von mir, um mich von einem verheerenden Herzschmerz oder ein Missverständnis, dass ich vielleicht nicht rechtzeitig zum erholen retten will. Vielleicht, wenn ich nicht erwarte, werde ich nicht das Gefühl, Enttäuschung. Vielleicht, wenn ich nicht will dich so sehr, wie ich jede wache Minute tun, werde ich keine Sehnsucht nach ihr in der Mitte der Nacht. Vielleicht. Ich weiß nicht. Was ich weiß ist, dass ich Sie und mit wie wenig Zeit ich habe, ich werde dich mit rücksichtsloser Hingabe lieben, mit jedem letzten Atemzug und mein Bestes tun, um Ihr Vertrauen zu verdienen und dich glücklich machen, fühlen Sie sich geliebt. So füllen Sie bis zum Rand mit guten Erinnerungen so dass Sie im Leben zu gehen, um jemand anderen zu lieben. Ja, das ist mein Plan.

Manchmal frage ich mich, warum Sie das tun, was Sie tun. Sind Sie versuchen, mich zu retten?Ich denke, ich brauche nicht zu wissen. Liebe ist Liebe. Ich brauche einen Grund. Ich habe gerade auf mein Herz sagt mir, zu handeln, und dass ist es, Sie mit all meiner Kraft lieben.Manchmal aber möchte ich für Sie, weniger logisch und romantisch, wie ich. Denn ihr habt mir zu weit in ergriffen, um mich der Qual zu ersparen. Ich werde verletzt, aber ich werde wieder aufstehen. Ich wünschte, du würdest mir glauben, wenn ich das sage. Ich wünschte, wir könnten nur ... Liebe. Kein Zweifel mehr, nur Liebe und Glück.

Es tut mir leid wieder weh dich heute abend. Ich betete, dass es noch nie passiert ist und dass es nie wieder passieren.

I am suddenly reminded of this song:

"You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are gray

You never know, dear

How much I love you

Please don't take my sunshine away,"

Vielleicht beim nächsten Mal werde ich mutiger. Ich werde mein eigener Retter werden.

But all of this means nothing

"I found that record you'd been looking for yesterday

The one I'd been searching for forever

I played that record all night, you were right

The last song said it all

Even though it skipped a bit, it sounded better

I never, I never, I never knew

The only way to listen to a record like that

Is to play it through

But all of this means nothing

Yeah, all of this means nothing

All of this means nothing

Without you

I packed up the car and started to drive

Without a plan, with no direction

You said it'd be good for me

To break out of my daily routine

You were always trying to teach some lesson

You wanted, you wanted, you wanted me

To feel the open road with the wind on my face

Well, I'm here and I'm finally free

But all of this means nothing

Yeah, all of this means nothing

All of this means nothing

Without you

You and I were partners in crime

Petty thieves in a line up

But somehow we wound up here

I'm looking at a letter that I wrote to you long ago

I wouldn't even know now where to send it

It's funny how it all poured out on paper

If only I had found a way to tell you

If only, if only, if only you

Had found a way to love me for who I am

The way that I loved you

But all of this means nothing

Yeah, all of this means nothing

All of this means nothing

Without

Without

Without

Without

Without you

*Dealbreaker, Track 10, Rachael Yamagata, Chesapeake

It's Christmas tonight and I've been out alone all day. I was in 1912 for 2 whole hours. I was part of an imminent tragedy but I didn't die. I was a 2-week old infant named Elizabeth and I survived.

I'm so tired. I'm kinda in a daze right now. I'm on a sugar+caffeine rush and I feel like blacking out. It's worse than being drunk. I can't breathe. I'm shutting down. And the crowd is fucking crazy, IS fucking driving me crazy. I hear laughter everywhere. I think I'll head home straight, before I go insane. Jump into a shower, rest my head until I have to wake again. Until the sun comes up again. Or until it starts to rain like a symphony in my head. The only trouble is, I can't stay in bed, for I'm currently living a lie I am forced to spun. But I'll get out of it soon, I promise you.

But I love you.

And I love you so much.

And I'll love you forever. Until the end of time.

I'll plead with you in my sleep for you to make me pancakes in the morning

Funny shapes

I'll close my eyes and hold you tight

I wouldn't wanna let you go now, would I?

I don't wanna let you go.

So please don't leave.

Don't leave me

Don't walk away

Don't cross that light

Stay where you are.

I'm coming for you.

I'm coming to save you.

坦然选择放弃 不是我提早违背对你许下的诺言
更不是种胆小懦弱的表现
只因不想在睡梦中再次被已失去你的事实痛醒

真心诚意地将旧回忆暂搁一旁
偶尔才拿出来回忆不是我忘了你相反的 是因为害怕失去仅有的你才会把心房均匀切开 隔出足够空位来方便随时想念你

爱你是不变的事实
在星期五的早上失去了你也是不变的事实
而改变却是宇宙万物唯一不变的事实
我想停止一切折磨
我想重新开始
我想你也会赞成我的想法 支持我吧？

Dear Liesl

I know I haven't call you that for a long time. In fact, I haven't called you at all.

The birthday celebrations went well. Had a cake-sandwich at the Botanic Gardens. My first visit. Sat on a mat on a grass patch on a beautiful Monday morning. Fed the turtles and cat fishes by the pond. Saw a pair of swans and actually witnessed a pair of cat fishes making out in the water. Their bodies were literally out of the water. I know, fishes bonding. I sure as hell have never seen that before until that Monday. And how come we never thought about having a picnic? You would have liked that. The weather was good and the scenary beautiful. We could sit under the shade and laze and talk all day. And it was not expensive at all. Oh well, I'll just add that to the list.

And then, there were dinners with people who knew about you and people who will never. I have enjoyed them. And beer. Paulaner. You would agree. And ice cream. Andersen. Definitely Danish. And I had flavor of the week; Danish Nougat. Yeah, that's about it. I thanked my friends for showing up. They didn't have to. And then shortly after that, I received news of a funeral. I know, right?

And last night, a baby shower. We welcome Baby Ashley Cheah into the world, born 18th November 2011 at Singapore General Hospital at approximately 2008 hours. She's beyond lovely. I will show you pictures.

Work has been toiling, more emotionally than physically. I feel like I belong in an entirely different league altogether. I feel like persecuted like a victim. I am leaving. I am leaving to go away. I am leaving to beg at someone else's door and pray they don't tear me apart. And I am leaving for Nepal. In March. A break. A test. Another confirmation. Something to jolt me out of my dream. Hopefully.

I cried last night. Twice. I cried because I remembered deleting your phone number. It was the last time I laid in our bed, in Alexander's flat. I stared at you for the longest time as I thought about what we have been through. And then it happened. I waved goodbye to you and I pressed the 'delete' button and you were gone.

How I wish you were here.

To save me, from me. To stop all this crying.

Now, tell me about you. How are you doing? Do you miss me? Do you still wear your heart on your sleeve? Are you still as kind as ever? Do you still smile when you think about pancakes, the sun, the blush on Alexander's face, me? Do you wish I haven't taken you back that night?

Do you wish you could take back your words about a wedding under the stars, just the two of us? Taking back the vows you made to me. Do you wish we were never happy?

Do you wish you never knew me? Never loved me?

You could have gone back to Damien that night but you didn't. You, sweetheart of a lover, showed up at my doorstep with a burning candle! The flame said the words you never could. Love, was what the flame was. Always burning, always passionate and comforting. Now that flame's extinguished. No oxygen. No light. Nothing.
I am left with nothing.
I am nothing.
I want to be something.
I want to be with someone new, someone who would love you like I do. Someone I could love till I die.
Someone I can cry to. Someone who would let me cry and then hold me tight with no questions asked.
Someone who just knows what's going on inside of me.
Someone who knows all that I needed was a hug and a kiss.
Someone who encourages me to take leaps of faith because even if I do fall, I wouldn't be alone.
Someone who reads my thoughts
Hear the unspoken words I can't find the right words for
Someone who loves the written word because that is where all my secrets are.
Someone who is you, is like you.

"Don't be silly, dear." I heard you say.
Indeed, I have been silly but life hasn't been easy. Not at all. Not like you've promised. But I am trying. I am trying to breathe. Someday, I'll get there. I'll get to where you are.

Someday.

For Steph, a warrior and a believer

If you love me, love me

If you don't have a heart, here, take mine

But if you're gonna hurt it, then break it thoroughly, make it worth every ounce of agony, every drop of stray tear

We will eventually work alongside this distance, work it to our advantage somehow, you said, when you were still craving for me, when you know next to nothing about me but you knew how I wanted you back the way you wanted me

Back then, it was all we needed.

And I nodded, thinking you must be right, for it's high time I rest my feet and quell my fears, set my chaotic world at ease

I wish to be at peace

Was it because we were too happy?

Were we disaster's perfect recipe?

Were we wrong from the beginning?

No, it can't be

I won't take this

Not when I still remember every vivid scene and kiss, right down to every minute detail, every word you filled my ears with in the morning

I swear it wasn't just make-believe that I weave inside my head

You're not a casual pastime, not a fling or hobby that I can erase and put aside

It was all real, at least to me you were

No, I didn't wreck this

In fact, on the bloody contrary, you did.

Life did.

No, this is not my fault for I remain true till the end

I overcame my demons and I naively thought I was at the top of my game but it was all but a hollow victory, I'm a winner who had lost everything

But hey, at least I could answer to my conscience

I could breathe easy

I hardly think I could say the same for you

As you laid in bed, wide-eyed, in the dead of night, thinking about how it could have all been

No, this mistake is not the manifestation of my flaws combined

It must be life's filtering system at its most untimely fault

So how can I still feel injustice, or say that love and fate and the pursuit of happiness are fleeting states of mind?

When I knew I had, for a brief eternity, lived my life?

And lived it wise.

I have seen the world, walked it

I have been on a helicopter, enjoyed it

I have seen my fill of breathtaking coastlines

It's the 'seen-it-done-it' deal for me

The world is still up for grabs,

For those who wants it

And I know I want it

I hear it screaming out my name

And nothing's coming in between

From now on, we'll both move on

We will assign a corner in our hearts for when one of us comes back again

We'll be ready to entertain

By then, we'll be immuned of each other's pain

We'll be on our way and emerge as our own survivors

Surviving separately together

Yeah, it's gonna be OK.

Yeah, I'm gonna be OK.

Yeah, I still wish the best for you and your other/better half

We met, we love, and now we part

We are just going through the rhyhmns of life, of our hearts

It's no big

I am built to overcome this

So yeah, if you don't mind me repeating

I'm gonna be OK :)